At a loss
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: London
Posts: 3
At a loss
Hey there, I'm a new member who's boyfriend recently "dropped the bomb" and have a really had time coming to terms with it. I'll give you a bit of back story:
When I got with him 10 months ago he was straight with me that he had taken opiates in his past, after his ex cheated and broke up with him. He told me he wasn't addicted and got off them. I was fine with it but told him I was never going to be with a drug addict, and that was that. He wasn't on them any more and wasn't addicted so it was fine. It was definitely an issue in the relationship as I was always worried he wanted to go back to them (as he mentioned to me a few times that he'd like to try them again some day).
Fast forward to three days ago and he leaves me, but before he goes he tells me that he has been back on them since July when the doc prescribed him some Vicodin and he found himself getting attached to it. We've since decided to give our relationship another shot, but the fact remains that he firstly kept this from me but also only told me when he was leaving and never thought we'd speak again.
I've since agreed to helping him get through this addiction (as it is now an addiction) and he's tapering off opiates 2.5mg per week starting this weekend, but I recently found out today that he sometimes snorts them instead of taking them orally. I know it's the same stuff going into his system but of course, snorting has such a bigger badder meaning than just taking pills orally and it's shaken me. I always, ALWAYS told myself I would never be with an addict and now I am, and not only that but he SNORTS them.
I love him dearly, and I know sticking by him may mean relapses, constant lies and pain, but I don't know if I'm strong enough. I'm a very emotional person and drugs have always been a hugely bad thing in my mind, so I feel like I'm falling apart every time I think "My boyfriend is a drug addict" or "My boyfriend snorts drugs". Just the mental image of him in some shady carpark doing drug deals makes me angry and resentful. I HATE that lifestyle (no offense to any people here) and he knows this, and I just don't know what to do.
I love him. But can I do this? Is this even that bad? He takes 30mg of opiates a day at the moment and has (apparently - as he lied idk what to believe any more) quit before as he told me when I met him. Am I being a baby and making a huge fuss? Will it ever go away? I can't bear thinking of the rest of my life as a wife and a mother with a husband who got go back to being a drug addict at any moment.
I should also mention it is a long distance relationship - he lives in the USA and me in the UK, so I can't always keep an eye on him.
Sorry for the length. I have no many thoughts. I'm honestly sorry if I offended any body. It hasn't all sunk in yet.
When I got with him 10 months ago he was straight with me that he had taken opiates in his past, after his ex cheated and broke up with him. He told me he wasn't addicted and got off them. I was fine with it but told him I was never going to be with a drug addict, and that was that. He wasn't on them any more and wasn't addicted so it was fine. It was definitely an issue in the relationship as I was always worried he wanted to go back to them (as he mentioned to me a few times that he'd like to try them again some day).
Fast forward to three days ago and he leaves me, but before he goes he tells me that he has been back on them since July when the doc prescribed him some Vicodin and he found himself getting attached to it. We've since decided to give our relationship another shot, but the fact remains that he firstly kept this from me but also only told me when he was leaving and never thought we'd speak again.
I've since agreed to helping him get through this addiction (as it is now an addiction) and he's tapering off opiates 2.5mg per week starting this weekend, but I recently found out today that he sometimes snorts them instead of taking them orally. I know it's the same stuff going into his system but of course, snorting has such a bigger badder meaning than just taking pills orally and it's shaken me. I always, ALWAYS told myself I would never be with an addict and now I am, and not only that but he SNORTS them.
I love him dearly, and I know sticking by him may mean relapses, constant lies and pain, but I don't know if I'm strong enough. I'm a very emotional person and drugs have always been a hugely bad thing in my mind, so I feel like I'm falling apart every time I think "My boyfriend is a drug addict" or "My boyfriend snorts drugs". Just the mental image of him in some shady carpark doing drug deals makes me angry and resentful. I HATE that lifestyle (no offense to any people here) and he knows this, and I just don't know what to do.
I love him. But can I do this? Is this even that bad? He takes 30mg of opiates a day at the moment and has (apparently - as he lied idk what to believe any more) quit before as he told me when I met him. Am I being a baby and making a huge fuss? Will it ever go away? I can't bear thinking of the rest of my life as a wife and a mother with a husband who got go back to being a drug addict at any moment.
I should also mention it is a long distance relationship - he lives in the USA and me in the UK, so I can't always keep an eye on him.
Sorry for the length. I have no many thoughts. I'm honestly sorry if I offended any body. It hasn't all sunk in yet.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome, dear, I'm glad you found us.
Yes, it's "that" bad. He is an active addict who has been one for quite some time and he's not likely to stop any time soon. Right at the beginning of your post when you recalled that he told you he started when his last girlfriend broke off with him...huge red flag. He's blaming her for his bad choices.
You are lucky you haven't invested years and years, and that you don't have 3 children to support....you have the option of walking, and although we don't like to tell anyone whether to stay or go, if you were my daughter I'd tell you to run for the hills before you get sucked into his dark abyss of addiction.
Whatever you choose, we support you. Take a good read around, especially the sticky posts at the top of this forum, and it will give you some idea of what living with an active addict can lead to.
Hugs
Yes, it's "that" bad. He is an active addict who has been one for quite some time and he's not likely to stop any time soon. Right at the beginning of your post when you recalled that he told you he started when his last girlfriend broke off with him...huge red flag. He's blaming her for his bad choices.
You are lucky you haven't invested years and years, and that you don't have 3 children to support....you have the option of walking, and although we don't like to tell anyone whether to stay or go, if you were my daughter I'd tell you to run for the hills before you get sucked into his dark abyss of addiction.
Whatever you choose, we support you. Take a good read around, especially the sticky posts at the top of this forum, and it will give you some idea of what living with an active addict can lead to.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 26
All they are going to do is lie. I would really evaluate what makes this relationship worth it, he lives very far away from you for one, so it's easier for him to get away with it (whatever he's doing).
Tigerkitty, even I couldn't tell when my ex was on drugs and we lived together. The only time I found out was when he went into psychosis mode of whatever drug he was using (He wasn't on opiates, his DOC was cocaine/speed).
Do NOT expect it to get better, addiction causes nothing but pain and misery. A relationship is supposed to be happy and a partnership, we're supposed to make sacrifices for each other. He's not making a sacrifice, he's just trying to cover it up.
Just like you, my ex lied to me when we met about being a recovering opiate addict, and while he wasn't using opiates, he was replacing his urges with coke/speed and alcohol. So yes, they lie when they say they are "not using drugs". Maybe it sounds bad to get involved with someone who has "recovered" from whatever, but I was naive back then.
You should not sit there worried, day by day, night by night about what he's doing, who is he with, will he ever get better etc.
My ex used to tell me that when he relapses, we should be able to work on it, it's "just a bump in the road" well I don't think it's worth it anymore. The verbal abuse (that we don't love them, name calling, accusations) lies, manipulation and threats are NOT a bump in the road and no healthy relationship should ever have that in it, as far as I'm concerned.
I know it's easier said than done but I -really- think you should re-evaluate your relationship with this man. I left and returned about 6 times before I finally realized how crazy and irrational I was becoming.
Tigerkitty, even I couldn't tell when my ex was on drugs and we lived together. The only time I found out was when he went into psychosis mode of whatever drug he was using (He wasn't on opiates, his DOC was cocaine/speed).
Do NOT expect it to get better, addiction causes nothing but pain and misery. A relationship is supposed to be happy and a partnership, we're supposed to make sacrifices for each other. He's not making a sacrifice, he's just trying to cover it up.
Just like you, my ex lied to me when we met about being a recovering opiate addict, and while he wasn't using opiates, he was replacing his urges with coke/speed and alcohol. So yes, they lie when they say they are "not using drugs". Maybe it sounds bad to get involved with someone who has "recovered" from whatever, but I was naive back then.
You should not sit there worried, day by day, night by night about what he's doing, who is he with, will he ever get better etc.
My ex used to tell me that when he relapses, we should be able to work on it, it's "just a bump in the road" well I don't think it's worth it anymore. The verbal abuse (that we don't love them, name calling, accusations) lies, manipulation and threats are NOT a bump in the road and no healthy relationship should ever have that in it, as far as I'm concerned.
I know it's easier said than done but I -really- think you should re-evaluate your relationship with this man. I left and returned about 6 times before I finally realized how crazy and irrational I was becoming.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
Tigerkitty- Addicts tend to see their addiction as their problem and not something that should affect others. But it does anyway. It wreaks havoc and the only way to manage is to detach. Honestly, in healthy loving relationships one does not need to practice detachment for fear that you'll be hurt otherwise.
I've known my husband nearly 40 years and we are happily co-dependent. It's only with regard to our addicted daughter that co-dependence becomes a nightmare. We've had to let her go and to live her own life on her own terms. It was just too painfuil to do otherwise.
To be in a relationship with an addict is very very hard and forces you to set up boundaries and often requires a detachment that goes against the grain of normal healthy relationships.
If you were my kiddo, I would tell you to get out while you can. No need to look for trouble because there are plenty of other fish in the sea.
I've known my husband nearly 40 years and we are happily co-dependent. It's only with regard to our addicted daughter that co-dependence becomes a nightmare. We've had to let her go and to live her own life on her own terms. It was just too painfuil to do otherwise.
To be in a relationship with an addict is very very hard and forces you to set up boundaries and often requires a detachment that goes against the grain of normal healthy relationships.
If you were my kiddo, I would tell you to get out while you can. No need to look for trouble because there are plenty of other fish in the sea.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
If you stay with him, please know that at some point you won't even be an after thought. His only love will be his drug. That is the way addiction works.
Please don't compromise who you are, your core values for anyone especially a man who will take, lie, steal, manipulate, etc. and give you only pain!
Addiction is too powerful, we can not control or cure it. It's a life long battle. It's all on him and doesn't sound like he is close to being ready.
Please don't compromise who you are, your core values for anyone especially a man who will take, lie, steal, manipulate, etc. and give you only pain!
Addiction is too powerful, we can not control or cure it. It's a life long battle. It's all on him and doesn't sound like he is close to being ready.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: London
Posts: 3
Thank you all for the replies. It really helps having people actually reply and give advice. I know I have a LOT to think about - the hardest being that the most likely outcome of our relationship is that I'd have to move to the USA to be with him, leaving my family and life here, and for what? Someone who may be stuck on drugs and treating me like dirt? I don't think so.
I feel so angry that life has dealt me this hand. My first boyfriend was a serial cheat and I really felt that this time I could depend on the person; that they were trustworthy and reliable.
I thought that too, but I didn't want to say it because it might sound harsh. It's just a few days of hell and he needs to suck it up and get on with it, he's lucky I'm even willing to be there for him, but he said because he was on it before for so long (almost a year) that he has a high chance of getting PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndome?) and his withdrawal symptoms may last up to weeks. I don't know how true any of that is though.
I feel so angry that life has dealt me this hand. My first boyfriend was a serial cheat and I really felt that this time I could depend on the person; that they were trustworthy and reliable.
Originally Posted by cynical one 
Soooo, he's coming of of 30 mgs and plans on dragging that out for 3 months? That's not a taper plan, that's a continuing to use plan. 30 mgs=an uncomfortable couple of days, not months.
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