Early Recovery Question
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 149
Early Recovery Question
Ok, so RAB just got back from 6 week rehab yesterday. He seems really good, happy to be home ect. So problem is...his counselor advised him to attend AA meetings every day for the next 90 days. He just called me on my lunch break and during the course of our conversation he let me know that he didn’t attend a meeting today because he is adjusting to being home and is anxious about going outside. He is planning to call his sponsor instead. I am concerned because it is his second day back and he is already going against the advice of his counselor. I am thinking I should talk to him about this tonight and let him know I understand that he is adjusting, however isolating oneself is one of the things to look out for and that the fact that he didn’t go to a meeting today is not looking good for the future. I also want to let him know that if he doesn’t want to go to meetings and follow his recovery plan that he should find accommodations elsewhere. Is this too harsh? I want to be supportive, but I also don’t want to be having these kinds of talks with him. I don’t want to have these kinds of discussions, he should be doing the right thing and I should be focusing at work and not having to plan a discussion with him tonight….help, this is what I didn’t miss.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 175
Originally Posted by Shutterbug1 
I want to be supportive, but I also don’t want to be having these kinds of talks with him.
Prior to my own husband entering rehab, he tried the '90 in 90' and it was a disaster for him - it was too overwhelming, burned him out, and he started only paying lip service to the whole process. Following his stay in rehab, he now goes to meetings 2-3 times a week and gets a lot out of it. Its not up to me, or anyone else, how often he should go.
I'm not sure where the whole '90 in 90' concept came from, but its not a guarantee that someone will stay sober if they do it (nor does it mean someone will relapse if they don't do it). Good luck to you and I hope things work out well. Remember to take care of yourself too!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((SB1))
Did you & your BF have a clear cut boundary/agreement discussed before he came back home?
Maybe a list of what you needed for this relationship to continue?
What are your "deal breakers" what are his?
If not - this may be a good time to verbalize this
Clear communication and firm boundaries are healthy for everyone -
It gives everyone dignity and self-respect
This is what each of us need - if the other can't provide it or isn't willing to go to those lengths then we need not waste the other person's time, energy or emotions.
It's not easy, but it is healthy.
So many times we think it should be understood what someone needs to do, or what they should do or what we want them to do ~ but we never verbalize it. Saying it gives everyone freedom and dignity.
Just my e, s, & h
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Did you & your BF have a clear cut boundary/agreement discussed before he came back home?
Maybe a list of what you needed for this relationship to continue?
What are your "deal breakers" what are his?
If not - this may be a good time to verbalize this
Clear communication and firm boundaries are healthy for everyone -
It gives everyone dignity and self-respect
This is what each of us need - if the other can't provide it or isn't willing to go to those lengths then we need not waste the other person's time, energy or emotions.
It's not easy, but it is healthy.
So many times we think it should be understood what someone needs to do, or what they should do or what we want them to do ~ but we never verbalize it. Saying it gives everyone freedom and dignity.
Just my e, s, & h
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
90 in 90 worked great for my RAH (although a bit frustrating for me at the time, I had limited understanding of HOW it could help). It helped him to make time daily for 90 days for his recovery & to acknowledge the changes in his life until it eventually became habit. Now he attends only weekly unless he's feeling particularly stressed or someone in his group needs extra support. (He'll attend multiple meetings with his sponsor sometimes, for example.)
I agree that it's not your place to instruct him on his recovery - as hard as that is or as much as you can see the potential problems coming. You HAVE to focus on you & your boundaries. I agree with Ms. Pink, it sounds like a good time to determine your boundaries & explain them clearly.
I agree that it's not your place to instruct him on his recovery - as hard as that is or as much as you can see the potential problems coming. You HAVE to focus on you & your boundaries. I agree with Ms. Pink, it sounds like a good time to determine your boundaries & explain them clearly.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
The 90 meetings in 90 days concept doesn't exist here in Germany. All the AA and Alanon meetings which I researched within 100 miles of my home take place once every two weeks. So obviously the 90 in 90 idea is not a requirement for recovery. Members of AA around here seem to do fine with one meeting every 14 days.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
That's because they get all those free nights to hoist a couple in Germany! 
Seriously, though, "Meeting-makers make it!" as they say in AA. The more meetings an alcoholic makes (especially in the first year), the more likely the alcoholic will be "a part of" the sober group rather than "apart from" them. The "90 meetings in 90 days" concept appears to have its origin in the early work of AA's founders, "its" treatment center, studies and behavioral notions as to changing habits. The NA "bible" also states: "A meeting a day for at least the first ninety days of recovery is a good idea." Page 53.
Yes, he should be doing "90 meetings in 90 days" and he can do that by catching more than one meeting a day too. Regardless of that, let him worry about his recovery with his sponsor. You stay on your side of the recovery street.
Peace.
Seriously, though, "Meeting-makers make it!" as they say in AA. The more meetings an alcoholic makes (especially in the first year), the more likely the alcoholic will be "a part of" the sober group rather than "apart from" them. The "90 meetings in 90 days" concept appears to have its origin in the early work of AA's founders, "its" treatment center, studies and behavioral notions as to changing habits. The NA "bible" also states: "A meeting a day for at least the first ninety days of recovery is a good idea." Page 53.
Yes, he should be doing "90 meetings in 90 days" and he can do that by catching more than one meeting a day too. Regardless of that, let him worry about his recovery with his sponsor. You stay on your side of the recovery street.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
Originally Posted by Titanic
The NA "bible" also states: "A meeting a day for at least the first ninety days of recovery is a good idea." Page 53.
Yes, he should be doing "90 meetings in 90 days" and he can do that by catching more than one meeting a day too.
Yes, he should be doing "90 meetings in 90 days" and he can do that by catching more than one meeting a day too.
Originally Posted by Titanic
Regardless of that, let him worry about his recovery with his sponsor. You stay on your side of the recovery street.
If folks are staying on their own side of the recovery street, then they do not suggest or expect anything from the other, but only observe and then decide how they are going to act. That's called detachment along with setting and carrying out boundaries.
Let go and Let God!
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 352
Originally Posted by Shutterbug1
Ok, so RAB just got back from 6 week rehab yesterday. He seems really good, happy to be home ect. So problem is...his counselor advised him to attend AA meetings every day for the next 90 days. He just called me on my lunch break and during the course of our conversation he let me know that he didn’t attend a meeting today because he is adjusting to being home and is anxious about going outside. He is planning to call his sponsor instead. I am concerned because it is his second day back and he is already going against the advice of his counselor. I am thinking I should talk to him about this tonight and let him know I understand that he is adjusting, however isolating oneself is one of the things to look out for and that the fact that he didn’t go to a meeting today is not looking good for the future. I also want to let him know that if he doesn’t want to go to meetings and follow his recovery plan that he should find accommodations elsewhere. Is this too harsh? I want to be supportive, but I also don’t want to be having these kinds of talks with him. I don’t want to have these kinds of discussions, he should be doing the right thing and I should be focusing at work and not having to plan a discussion with him tonight….help, this is what I didn’t miss.
Alcoholic here with 9 years sober. I don't suggest the 90 in 90 to my new sponsees as it is no where in the AA Big Book. What I do is get busy working the steps with them. The only way to overcome this is by working the steps and having the spiritual experience. He said he was going to call his sponsor instead, I think that is wonderful.
Us alcoholics can be very sneaky. You need to watch for drinking behaviors. I really hope you set boundaries and discussed them with him.
You need to worry about your well being and sanity, not his. Do what you have to in order to take care of yourself.
Wish you the best of luck!
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
People ask for suggestions, "help" and advice here. We can respond.
Please note that it was the rehab counselor that gave him the rule. The rehab counselor not AA, although his group or his sponsor may have told him the same thing too!
So the 90 meetings in 90 days, in this instance, IS part of the program the rehab center gave him. He can choose to disregard "bits and pieces" at his own risk. Could it affect his progress in his IOP now? Most likely so. He might check his health insurance plan too.
Please note that it was the rehab counselor that gave him the rule. The rehab counselor not AA, although his group or his sponsor may have told him the same thing too!
So the 90 meetings in 90 days, in this instance, IS part of the program the rehab center gave him. He can choose to disregard "bits and pieces" at his own risk. Could it affect his progress in his IOP now? Most likely so. He might check his health insurance plan too.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Bel Air, Maryland
Posts: 9
This is an interesting topic. A group of us were having a discussion about something similar to this after our NA meeting last night about when she left her program and they were saying to attend meetings every day for 90 days. The program is to teach us how to live the life we haven't lived. How are we to learn to live if we become slave to a meeting. I say if he can work with his sponsor to find a way that works for him. maybe a meeting 3 times a week maybe four could be good. I haven't done rehab I had to stick it out could turkey when i decided to get clean, but now that I have decided to go to meetings, I may feel i need them everyday and the days I want them everyday I will go. The days I don't I'll stick to my program of three times a week. He can't force himself to hard in my opinion cause that might force him right back to what got him where he is.
Let go and Let God!
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 352
Titanic - Yes the NA "bible" does state that, but the AA big book does not. I attend both meetings and sponsor people in both. I took it has this is an alcoholic attending AA meetings. I could be wrong.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
Originally Posted by Titanic
People ask for suggestions, "help" and advice here. We can respond.
Originally Posted by CatsPajamas
It’s time to post - again - the right way to be a participating member of SR.
DO's and DON'Ts
Do: Remember how you felt when you first got here. Don't tell other people what they should be doing. Instead, share what YOU did or didn't do and how that worked for you.
Do: Remember that you had to learn your own life lessons in your own time. Don't belittle or degrade or shame someone else. Many people here are already living in a toxic or abusive situation. They hear it enough at home. They don't need to hear it here as well
Do: Post your questions & thoughts. Don't go back and pull up the last 20 posts that another person wrote just to point out to her again what she's doing wrong.
Do: Share from your own experience, strength and hope. Don't take everything personally. If a comment or situation triggers you, think about it. Walk away if you have to. Report the post to the moderators if you must. If we are all sharing from our own experiences and NOT sniping at one another, there won't be so much conflict here.
Do: Share what has helped YOU in your own recovery. Don't presume to know what someone else is thinking or put words in someone else's mouth. Give each person a chance to express themselves freely. Many of us work out our thoughts and plans while we are speaking
Do: Be encouraging and supportive. Don't be mean or insulting ...Do I really have to explain this one?
Do: Be Patient. Don’t put your recovery timetable onto someone else. Each of us does this in our own time, at our own pace.
Do: Express your concern, if necessary, in a kind and gentle manner. Don't repeat yourself over and over again. It doesn't work. It isn't effective with your A's, and it's not effective here. Learn to say what you need to say and say it once, maybe twice. If you say it more than that you're trying to manipulate and control the outcome.
Do: Remember this is a big place with a lot of diverse personalities. As they say in the closing of most Al Anon meetings: Take what you liked and leave the rest. And, take a break, take a walk, take whatever time you need away if you’re tempted to blast or flame someone else for what they wrote. If you’re sharing from your own ESH and not sniping, there won’t be so many conflicts.
Do: Remember to be gentle with yourself and others
DO remember to laugh. It's OK to have a sense of humor. It's ok to laugh at some of the absurd things going on in your life. Laughing can take away some of the power the situation has over you, and certainly can relieve some of the pain. Don't let the unpleasant circumstances rob you of your joy, or of your ability to laugh.
Do remember that a large majority of people on this forum are currently in physical danger from their addicted / alcoholic partner, even though they don't share that on the forum. Do remember that these people need to feel safe and welcomed -first and foremost- and only after you have earned their trust for many months will they be receptive to suggestions and gentle direction. Don't assume that just because you benefited from tough love that others will also benefit.
We are going to be more proactive in making sure this is a safe and welcoming place for all. We mods will do our part. Thank you for doing your part.
Respectfully,
Cats
Forum Mod
DO's and DON'Ts
Do: Remember how you felt when you first got here. Don't tell other people what they should be doing. Instead, share what YOU did or didn't do and how that worked for you.
Do: Remember that you had to learn your own life lessons in your own time. Don't belittle or degrade or shame someone else. Many people here are already living in a toxic or abusive situation. They hear it enough at home. They don't need to hear it here as well
Do: Post your questions & thoughts. Don't go back and pull up the last 20 posts that another person wrote just to point out to her again what she's doing wrong.
Do: Share from your own experience, strength and hope. Don't take everything personally. If a comment or situation triggers you, think about it. Walk away if you have to. Report the post to the moderators if you must. If we are all sharing from our own experiences and NOT sniping at one another, there won't be so much conflict here.
Do: Share what has helped YOU in your own recovery. Don't presume to know what someone else is thinking or put words in someone else's mouth. Give each person a chance to express themselves freely. Many of us work out our thoughts and plans while we are speaking
Do: Be encouraging and supportive. Don't be mean or insulting ...Do I really have to explain this one?
Do: Be Patient. Don’t put your recovery timetable onto someone else. Each of us does this in our own time, at our own pace.
Do: Express your concern, if necessary, in a kind and gentle manner. Don't repeat yourself over and over again. It doesn't work. It isn't effective with your A's, and it's not effective here. Learn to say what you need to say and say it once, maybe twice. If you say it more than that you're trying to manipulate and control the outcome.
Do: Remember this is a big place with a lot of diverse personalities. As they say in the closing of most Al Anon meetings: Take what you liked and leave the rest. And, take a break, take a walk, take whatever time you need away if you’re tempted to blast or flame someone else for what they wrote. If you’re sharing from your own ESH and not sniping, there won’t be so many conflicts.
Do: Remember to be gentle with yourself and others
DO remember to laugh. It's OK to have a sense of humor. It's ok to laugh at some of the absurd things going on in your life. Laughing can take away some of the power the situation has over you, and certainly can relieve some of the pain. Don't let the unpleasant circumstances rob you of your joy, or of your ability to laugh.
Do remember that a large majority of people on this forum are currently in physical danger from their addicted / alcoholic partner, even though they don't share that on the forum. Do remember that these people need to feel safe and welcomed -first and foremost- and only after you have earned their trust for many months will they be receptive to suggestions and gentle direction. Don't assume that just because you benefited from tough love that others will also benefit.
We are going to be more proactive in making sure this is a safe and welcoming place for all. We mods will do our part. Thank you for doing your part.
Respectfully,
Cats
Forum Mod
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Bridgeton
Posts: 718
One of the beauties of the AA program is that it is often different for everyone. I have had a couple of AA friends over to my house to discuss/chat about things related to recovery--that is just as good as a meeting sometimes. I know an old timer with 30 years who has never worked the steps! It works for him. I follow suggestions of my sponsor & those with time under their belt. I have done 7 meetings in a week as that week I felt I needed it. I usually do 3 sometimes 4 a week now (19 months sober)...I take it day by day...and when I should go to a meeting but don't feel like it (feel like isolating) I usually go to a meeting then as I know it is needed. 'Suggested as a program of recovery" not mandatory as a program of recovery...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Although the 90 meetings in 90 days is not in the Big Book of AA, as an RA myself, I do understand the concept.
Personally I went to rehab dying, and sure as hell had had no consistency during active addiction other than to make sure I stayed loaded.
I ended up relocating to the small town where I went to rehab, and there were 4 meetings a week available, 3 AA and 1 NA.
I went when I didn't want to go, and I went when I wanted to go!
What happened was I learned to be consistent in my recovery, and I had developed a new healthy behavior.
NA has long been gone now since the late 80's, and 1 AA group folded, but the other AA group continues with 3 meetings a week.
With 22+ years of recovery now, I no longer attend every meeting available here. I have chronic health issues that have often kept me from attending, and my life is about balance.
I did not have a significant other when I left rehab because my AH at the time was violent and abusive. He was a huge reason I moved over two hours away.
The only person who ever called me on my BS and helped me on my path of recovery was/is my sponsor, and I'm damned glad for that.
Are you attending Alanon at all, dear?
Sending you hugs of support.
Personally I went to rehab dying, and sure as hell had had no consistency during active addiction other than to make sure I stayed loaded.
I ended up relocating to the small town where I went to rehab, and there were 4 meetings a week available, 3 AA and 1 NA.
I went when I didn't want to go, and I went when I wanted to go!
What happened was I learned to be consistent in my recovery, and I had developed a new healthy behavior.
NA has long been gone now since the late 80's, and 1 AA group folded, but the other AA group continues with 3 meetings a week.
With 22+ years of recovery now, I no longer attend every meeting available here. I have chronic health issues that have often kept me from attending, and my life is about balance.
I did not have a significant other when I left rehab because my AH at the time was violent and abusive. He was a huge reason I moved over two hours away.
The only person who ever called me on my BS and helped me on my path of recovery was/is my sponsor, and I'm damned glad for that.
Are you attending Alanon at all, dear?
Sending you hugs of support.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
I went when I didn't want to go, and I went when I wanted to go!
What happened was I learned to be consistent in my recovery, and I had developed a new healthy behavior. ...
The only person who ever called me on my BS and helped me on my path of recovery was/is my sponsor, and I'm damned glad for that.
What happened was I learned to be consistent in my recovery, and I had developed a new healthy behavior. ...
The only person who ever called me on my BS and helped me on my path of recovery was/is my sponsor, and I'm damned glad for that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 149
I want to thank everyone for your replies. I called my friend and he advised me to watch and wait, to take it easy. I then checked the forum and saw the same advice! I chose to leave it alone and stay on my side of the street We had a great night and relaxed. He called me yesterday while he was on his way to a meeting! He just texted me now and he is taking a placement exam. whew....i am glad i waited and took a deep breath 
We had a great night and relaxed. He called me yesterday while he was on his way to a meeting! He just texted me now and he is taking a placement exam. whew....i am glad i waited and took a deep breath
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