Sexuality in RA's- lack of libido- is this typical?

Old 10-10-2012, 05:58 AM
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Sexuality in RA's- lack of libido- is this typical?

Ah,hello, once again another 'Newbie' neophyte question...this one i hope is not too thorny for y'all....my RAXBF seemed to believe he had all kinds of problems when it came to sex..told me he basically couldnt do it any more. Yet we did, no problem. When it happened the first time he said "Oh, I didnt think that ( ie his... um err....phallus ) worked any more' . I said, well, hey - newsflash- it does. yet he still persisted to act as if it didnt. When I got close to him he would go light headed and if anything sexual happened I was honestly terrified as i thought he could die- have a stroke or a coronary. he actually went to the doc, who said it was actually GOOD for him to begin having sex, yet he still avoided it, had fainting fits if i even kissed him etc etc...and he still insisted in some way, even tho the doc had said it was good that he couldnt have sex or 'give me what i want or need in a relationship' ( tho he never asked me actually what that was !!) he said he 'wished he was the man he used to be' etc, but really there wasnt actually anything wrong with his ability to perform, but it seemed he had the problem with the contact, the intimacy..or something...i could not figure out what exactly. the frustration was huge, but i put that on hold as i was so concerned for his health. im a very attractive girl in every way, so it didnt really hurt my self esteem, well not much- but it made me feel TERRIBLY sad for him. and of course, the level of bonding and intimacy was stymied and confounded by the strange avoidance he had of sex, even when it had been proven he really had no problems, nor any reason to avoid it. this is just another one of the many many bewildering things i endured in knowing this man, who i did and do care for very very deeply. its wonderful to have the SR community to talk to..i feel i have travelled a long was in short time via your insight and wisdom. yet i still find i need to process all the inexplicable, weird, sad, selfish, behaviours i saw....as much as anything I am learning hugely from this experience. would anyone else share their experiences with where libido/ sexuality/ intimacy fits into the RA paradigm- from either side of the fence. is this weird isolating thing typical of A's or RA's? Many thanks :-)
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Old 10-10-2012, 06:16 AM
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There are some Al-Anon sharings on the subject here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...imacy-too.html
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Old 10-10-2012, 06:26 AM
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oh just remembering things that happened / were said- when i said - dont you want to be intimate he said 'Yes that is just the problem!! i DO want to have sex with you!! this was even more bewidering- he WANTED to he COULD, but Didnt / wouldnt....i couldnt make any sense of it, and i didnt begin to know what quesitons to ask...i was so sensitive to HIS needs/ feelings etc etc. sheesh. thanks to SR there are times tonight when i have thought..gee i drank a cup of poison...and i am still just coming to..not that he was poisonous, but it was beildering and painful to love desire and care for someone, and be held as he said 'at arm's length'. so he knew what he was doing, but i could never really get out of him why, exactly. tx for reading! :-)
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Old 10-10-2012, 07:02 AM
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I have read on here and on other recovery sites that many As have trouble with sex and intimacy after quitting their DOC(drug of choice). Honestly, I have to tell you that what your bf is going through sounds close to what I've experienced myself, in me. I am a victim of molestation and sexual assault(at various ages of my life) and I am very disconnected from the sexual side of my body. It's something I'm working on in therapy and on and off through my life, I've had weird physical reactions to sexual advances, being touched in certain places, etc. This may be totally unrelated to your man, but it almost sounds like anxiety related physical symptoms. I, too, said the same thing: I wanted to be close to the boyfriend or spouse(depending on the time in my life) but my physical body would react and it would discourage me. I literally had to have the feeling that I was having an out of body experience to be able to enjoy sex. Over the years the episodes have gotten less and I have adjusted my mind and body in how to handle them, but I still have a lot of work to do on myself to face the shame from the past.

Has he looked into exploring the issue with a therapist? Another story here: my sister's husband cheated on her, gave her an STD while she was pregnant, and all other kinds of crap he put her through. She hasn't been able to eat a real piece of food since March. She subsists on Ensure drinks, 6 of them a day, and is down to 105 pounds. The doctor's did all the physical tests, exploring her esophagus, etc and found nothing. She literally feels like her throat is closing up when she tries to swallow food and the docs now say it's anxiety. Actually, all the doctors say it's anxiety and now that her estranged husband isn't working she doesn't have health insurance to go back to the doctor for any further testing or meds.

Anyway, my point is that trauma can bring about all kinds of physical manifestations in the body and many of them are confusing to US, the ones who are suffering through it as well as to those around us. Of course, this is just my experience and I may be totally off base, LOL, so take what I shared with a grain of salt and hopefully others will come on here with better advice!
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Old 10-10-2012, 07:46 AM
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The alcohol numbs, represses, hides and masks the alcoholic's emotions. The alcoholic clutches the Big Booze Bottle in his/her hands, while you try to embrace him/her clutching it. You'll always be "at arm's length" from fully embracing each other, from true intimacy, so long as he/she clutches that Bottle.

Even after the alcoholic drops that Bottle (sobriety), it still can be in the way of intimacy until the Bottle is broken (in recovery). The alcoholic, in recovery, must change his/her "isms" and "stinking thinking," and revive his/her emotions - that is, get "emotional sobriety." If the alcoholic secures such Sober • Recovery and intimacy still is an issue, relationship counseling and/or medical attention should be considered or tried - if not already.
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Old 10-10-2012, 07:52 AM
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Anyway, my point is that trauma can bring about all kinds of physical manifestations in the body and many of them are confusing to US, the ones who are suffering through it as well as to those around us. Of course, this is just my experience and I may be totally off base, LOL, so take what I shared with a grain of salt and hopefully others will come on here with better advice![/QUOTE]

yes the above, of course occurred to me- except that this man has an ENORMOUS sexual history ...well beyond the wildest dreams of most men.....due to a career where a lots of sex n drugs was always on tap in fact de rigeur... tho my clear impression on first sexual contact was a feeling he had never experienced any ummm...kind of 'soul' in lovemaking. one would wonder how but that was what i felt/ saw. maybe had never had sex without doc?
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Old 10-10-2012, 07:54 AM
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youre a gem titanic. thanks ever so.
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Old 10-10-2012, 07:59 AM
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i am amazed at how much i have bundled away inside from this relationship in such a short time. i got overwhlemed and kind of shut down - it was such an overlaod- and i couldnt really process it at the time for some reason. it is slowly coming out in splinters and shards- thanks to you all, it would have kept penetrating i guess without u guys and gals and SR. so many ,many thanks. sincerely. i can feel the healthening effects.
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Old 10-10-2012, 08:04 AM
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Good point and advice kindness2012! He may never have had "SR" sex, even before you. He may have no clue about it, especially in a mature loving way.

Take it one step further too. Whatever suffering the A's trauma visits upon us changes us. We can become anxious, beset, confused, distant or eviscerated emotionally or intimately.
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Old 10-10-2012, 09:42 AM
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Yes, this is really common. Newly sober people are learning to do *everything* sober for the first time, including sex and intimacy. It's probably terrifying.
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Old 10-10-2012, 10:00 AM
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All addicts are different, I don't think sexual problems are the result of recovery.
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Old 10-10-2012, 10:55 AM
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But they may be the result of prior alcoholism or addiction.
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Old 10-10-2012, 11:41 AM
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All addicts are different, but sexual problems are widely reported in the community. I just got a copy of "Getting Them Sober," for example, and there's an entire chapter dedicated to sex and alcoholism, i.e. they don't go together.
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Old 10-10-2012, 03:50 PM
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Yes, yes yes I know what you are going through.

My sober (albeit suspecting relapse) AH and I have a limited sex life. he has no physical issues in that dept. His history prior to becoming sober was.....well, I probably don't want to know his number I am sure it is in the hundreds maybe more than that.

What does he tell me - he has no sex drive. I wouldn't expect a 50 year old to have that of a 30 but this is ridiculous.

He also tells me he loved having sex when he was drunk, drunk and cocaine was his favorite. While recently trying to talk me into buying into the "I would like to try to drink again and I think I can with no issues" conversation he said one of the reasons was because he thought it would help our sex life.

After he got sober I have seen in his medical records that he was having impotency issues for a while. Not now.

Anyway I just think he is uncomfortable. I don't know how else to explain it. Its good when we do but clearly causes him anxiety beforehand. Wants to lower those inhibitions and can't.

Personally I enjoy the lead up with a glass of wine it definitely can help me get in the mood but I don't like sex while DRUNK. I'd rather eat a pizza or go to sleep then again I don't need alcohol to lower my inhibitions in that department.
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Old 10-10-2012, 06:14 PM
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thanks red! yes my guy numbered ummm...well over 2000...if that can be believed... in about a 10 year period in his swashbuckling heyday! LOL! amazingly i was undaunted by this seeming stupendous feat. :-) : i rather imagined someone with unlimited access could double or quadruple this figure, i mean, hey, TRY HARDER! LOL!
however i did also wonder, and ask, if perhaps the ex hadnt just worn it out/ off, or was just 'over it' in general. he thought perhaps he was! :-) but that really wasnt the truth. there is sex and there is sex. i imagine the quality and quantity were likely in inverse ratio. god knows.
what was sad was that he stood on one side of an abyss, longing for connection, unable to span the gulf, like a person with his hands cut off. it made me terribly sad to see it. he would hold me, and even then there was some huge gulf. i could feel it.
There were also some rather hair raising experiences. one night, we were asleep, he was touching my shoulder. suddenly something kind of 'took over', roared 'NO!" and tore his hand away. it wasnt HIM. it was i believe "the addiction". its aspect was like a huge and angry, MONSTROUS parent.
it DOES NOT WANT anyone near the addict who threatens it.
it KNOWS it does not have power over CONSCIOUSNESS. it KNOWS IT. and it wants anyone who knows that AWAY FROM THE ADDICT.
yes, it showed its face. and it's not unlike ALIEN. and i do believe it tries to implant in those around the addict if at all possible. and if it cant, it wants you GONE.

but in actuality it does NOT have power....and it KNOWS it. and it knows when YOU know it.
it has managed to convince the addict it has power, though, and that is its ONLY power.

the same night, i had my hand on his chest, and once again, it wrenched my hand off and flung me back. strangely i was not 'afraid' per se. it was not 'him'. it was 'IT'.
the thing is, i got to see it face to face. it showed itself, and 'IT' had a look at me.
in a way, i beleive he trusted me enough to let me 'see' it.

'it' is coiled around the so largely unconscious addict like an anaconda. once in a while it lets the addict come up for air, then drags him or her under again. it is an energetic form, a parasite. i can see that 'IT" and him are locked, really in a life and death struggle. it is so exhausting for him. but he has to see that it actually has no existence except in the grip it has on his mind and consciousness. the body is another aspect in that it strangles the body by degrees. anyway, i know what he battles, night and day. ive 'seen' it.

when all of this was happening , i did not understand my guy was NOT IN RECOVERY!! i didnt know ANYTHING about addiction. ive only learnt that here on SR. i though he was depressed, grief stricken, physically sick. i didnt know WHY.
the penny has only dropped after the fact.
he said what he was suffering was due to a previous bad relationship- ye now i know, red flag. but didnt know then.
and he is in denial, i realise.
I realise i can not make him 'know' this. i prayed for him every night and day, and when he was deep in the hole, i got him to pray for himself. i knew it was going to do everything to push me away. it considers him to be 'its' child, 'its' property. its not going to give up without an enourmus battle, and as the fight contines i belive the abilty of the addict to mentally, physicall emotionally withstand it dimishes. the end is too tragic, and do downright INANE and STUPID to contemplate.
BTW, I'm not a 'religious' person. in case the above makes it look that way. this is just what appeared to me, quite clearly in my experience with my ex BF.

anyway, ive gotten off the track a bit here, but as this stuff comes to light, i want to share it for what it's worth. it's been a bewildering ride. and id like to see my guy, and others come out of the dark dream. wake up. its' not YOU. and it has no power, only what you give it. so KICK ITS ARSE. signing off...RIPLEY.
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Old 10-10-2012, 06:26 PM
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one further thing... i dont understand the
"i WANT to **** you, that's just the problem!!!!"
comment from him...
....do you think that is POSSIBLY becuase the sex and the DOC in his head are so inextricably linked? ....truly i am BAFFLED BY IT....anyone have insight to this???
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Old 10-10-2012, 06:59 PM
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There is nothing to be baffled about.

He spent the majority of his adult life under the influence of a drug. Now combine
that with the FALSE REALITY that addiction creates. Now add that almost if not
ALL of his sexual encounters were had while under the influence of his current
DOC.

Now take the drugs and the false reality away. You have a VERY MESSED UP
individual.

I know, I was one of those, as I started using alcohol at age 12 and by 16 was
probably a full blown alcoholic. Even my daughter was conceived 'under the
influence.' I had no CLUE WHATSOEVER what REAL, TRUE LOVE, REAL EMOTIONAL
INVOLVEMENT with another, or all that 'sexual intimacy' versus just 'screwing my
brains out' was all about.

So the 'IT' you see that pushes your hand away is FEAR. Fear as he has no idea,
just like I had no idea, and this will come in time, when he gets the courage to
discuss this problem with his sponsor, maybe a good buddy in the program, who
will probably both tell him to get some private counseling.

This will come around in his time, not yours. Recovery can be totally an 'over
sensor mode' experience in the first few years.

Take away the drug(s). Body detoxes. Now brain has all these sights, smells,
feelings, ideas, etc that are IN TODAY and not a FALSE REALITY and it can
literally be 'mind boggling' for many of us, and not just for months, but some-
times years, especially when it comes to something so intimate as sexual
intimacy.

Might I suggest that you tell your boyfriend, that you do not totally understand
this, but do understand how important and how much work he is putting into his
recovery and you will stop discussing this particular subject. Then .................
BACK OFF. He cannot do this right now. You are stressing him out worse and
IN ESSENCE making the problem worse in his mind.

I was 18 months sober when I married my second husband who was 1 month
shy of 3 years sober. We had actually only had physical intimacy once before
our marriage (yes, we were still both coming to grips with 'things'. We con-
sumated our marriage 5 weeks after we were married.

And we were then pretty good together learning what made each other tick.

Just my experience, but .............................. I also know of problems in
this same area with many others in recovery, some my sponsees and some
not.

Please find some Alanon for you so you can work on yourself and keep your
side of the street clean and allow your RABF to work on his side of the street.

Love and hugs,
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Old 10-10-2012, 07:10 PM
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hi laurie, oh, yes, i have always been 'backed off'. have never pushed anything with or on him. we are not currently together. i always respected his boundaries, though it was not always clear until incidents such as the above happened. as i said, i had NO IDEA what i was dealing with. what a crazy ride it's been. how i wish he would have told me what was going on. i guess in some ways my innocence protected me- i saw it all with really the eyes of a child, id never seen anything like this before. and i loved this person. i could feel his pain. but i did know it wasnt mine. i think he kind of expected me to go in and rescue, but i didn't. i kep his boundaries, where indicated and mine. nevertheless, its been a bewildering experience.
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Old 10-10-2012, 07:13 PM
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yes, maybe its FEAR, that is part of it, but my ex was not 'clean' as ive found out- hes not in recoevery, he is still in addiction. and i can tell you what i saw and felt was more than fear. it was Other.
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Old 10-10-2012, 07:16 PM
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Laurie. HE'S NOT IN RECOVERY. Sadly. Ive let go. And I think my side of the street is pretty clean. Im just trying to piece it all together.
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