SundayGirl2012

My ABF moved out about 6 weeks ago. His heavy drinking habit had spiralled into messy drunkeness and I decided I couldn't live with him any more. We had some ugly arguments but he did move out.

He says he's cut back. From what I can tell, his behaviour seems to bear this out - he turns up/phones when he says he will, never seems slurred/unsteady and drinks only 1 or 2 drinks during a day+evening with me.

I've had some sessions with a counsellor (focussing on self-esteem) and I've been going to AlAnon meetings (about ten so far). I'm learning about myself.

My ABF will move into his own flat in a couple of weeks. He's currently staying in a friend's spare room. I think this will be a crucial step as in his new flat, there'll be no-one to see him drinking too much - his own determination will be the only barrier between him and drunkenness. So, I'll wait and see what happens.

However, I've read here lots of stories of people falling back into relationships with partners who turned out still to be addicts. I don't want to delude myself.

Am I fooling myself that we might stay friends (or more)?
What signals should I be looking out for?
What are the key things I should be focussing on in myself?

Any suggestions you can give based on your own experience will be much appreciated.
Thanks
SundayGirl
x

Katiekate

Hi Sundaygirl.

He is in active addiction.

For me the boundry has to be, no active addiction.

dollydo

No, alcoholics can not just cut back, for any length of time, he is either drinking or he is not. This is a progressive disease without a strong recovery program and TOTAL absentance he will be right back up to where he was and continue to get worse.

You can read Codependent No More, cynical one(s) blogs which can be gotton to at the top of the is page, and all the stickeys in the Family & Friends sections. Alanon meetings would also be of great benefit.

Where he lives or who he lives won't change a thing, if he wants to drink he will, if he doesn't he won't. He is not in recovery.

Take care of you, get out with your friends, focus on your life.

SunnyFlower

Hi Sundaygirl,

Do you have the AA Big Book? The first several chapters go into great detail about the the disease of Alcoholism. Many of your questions will be answered.

I'm glad you are actively busy taking care of yourself, Al-Anon is a great source of help!

Seren

Hi SundayGirl,

I think time will tell. If he really is an alcoholic (and I can't tell you whether he is or not), he is still drinking. It is likely it will progress if he continues, but there are no guarantees either way.

Perhaps just wait, and watch, and see how it goes once he is in his new place.

Take care! HG

redatlanta

One thing I have noticed about my sober AH is that he is always looking for the next thing to keep him occupied - a project, a new toy, a new attitude, anything that really keeps him from working on himself. He will say "I need to change "this" about myself and will delve headlong into something else that keeps him occupied. He obsesses over that thing until he gets bored with it and ends up in the same place which for him is bored and talking about how he needs to make changes. If we get in a fight he will clean the house, do the laundry, make me dinner, and everything else I may complain about that he isn't doing - but it doesn't last.

In other words - getting you to trust you BF again might be his new obsession and goal. As soon as you fall for it he falls right off the wagon.

CentralOhioDad

My Wife is doing the whole "I can cut back and be just fine" thing as well. And, for the most part, she is. But, she does overdo it and passes out on the couch. So, though not as frequent, but the end result is still the same.

Frankly, I don't think she can 'cut back' on her own willpower - it's never happened since we've been married. It's usually a temporary thing, and then she'll go back to her old ways. Right now, she's trying to prove a point to me, but I know it's eating at her, so at some point she'll go right back.

Good Luck, and keep posting.

NYCDoglvr

It's simple denial to think active alcoholics can cut back and engage in healthy relationships. This mantra helps me with reality checks: "fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

ZiggyB

My ex was able to cut back at various times but that always led to him drinking more at other times, especially if he was depressed or stressed out about something. Mostly it's a roller coaster ride with us being taken hostage by their moods and whims.

TeM

I can only relate my own experience with my AW. She has been able to quit for months at a time, but always goes back to it. She has a drinking buddy who, apparently, talks her into trying just a sip, and then she's right back in the bottle.

Even when our daughter has confronted her, she argues "What's the harm if I have a little drink once in a while?" If that's all she did, it wouldn't be a problem. Sadly, those "little" drinks inevitably lead to passing out drunk.

For her, the only way out is total abstinence, but she just can't seem to resist it.

Titanic

As they say in AA, one drink is one too many and a thousand is never enough!

dandylion

The only thing that I can add to what the others have had to say is: Time is on your side; time is your friend. (others said this, also).

This applies to relationships in general--even without addiction issues. It is going to take time to get to know yourself better and deal with any self-esteem issues, etc...., anyway. I've heard that in AA, people are referred to as newbies until their 5yr. anniversary.

In time, all will be revealed. **My grandmother used to say this to me over and over**
I found out that grandma was not wrong! Grrr.

Stay on your journey into yourself. Most productive work you will ever do.

dandylion

FireSprite

IMO, it just slows the process down temporarily & allows the addict to fool themselves into believing they have more control over their DOC than they really do.

I think until the later stages of alcoholism, the typical drinker can curb their intake at times when it is beneficial or acceptable to them but that they always end up increasing their intake eventually. I think everyone has their own timeline based on their life's circumstances, some may stay in this stage for weeks, others for months & some for years. But I think it's just a slower walk around the same circle, in my personal opinion.

Titanic

While the alcoholic is cutting back, the alcoholism is doing pushups and getting stronger!

FireSprite

exactly!

NWGRITS

My AM cut back after each of her health scares (two heart attack false alarms, and a mental breakdown), but after she was "out of the woods" in her own mind, she went right back to drinking the way she had before. After the breakdown, she was put into a psych hospital and did a rehab program, then was released for essentially good behavior. She went to AA meetings and spouted off the lingo and everything. In reality, she was going to meetings and then drinking herself to sleep at night afterwards. Even I didn't know that part, and I'm usually the one who picks up on it fastest. My grandmother had to tell me, because I had thought AM actually made it 30 days sober before falling off the wagon. Anyway, they can't ever "cut back" and be ok. It's all or nothing, no in between.

Learn2Live

Neither. It's a joke.

Are you fooling yourself to think that you really want to? This makes me think there is some kind of dependency here. Do you know what you are wanting or needing from this guy that you keep hanging onto him?

None. He's not going to change. He is the same guy he was weeks ago. He is going to return to drinking at the same level he was drinking before. You don't need to look for it, it will just happen.

Staying away from drunks and keeping drunk people from moving into your flat again.

SundayGirl2012

Thanks for all your responses, I really appreciate your advice.

In response to a couple of specifics:
SunnyFlower: No, I don't have the AA Big Book. I'll find a copy. Thanks for the recommendation.
RedAtlanta: Yes, this feels right. I met ABF/AXBF tonight and he seemed tipsy. Perhaps because we'd had a lovely weekend together and he was feeling more confident about reeling me in?
TeM: Wow, months without a drink and then drinking till she passes out? That's dedication to the drug alcohol. I still have the capacity to be surprised by things like that - which makes me think that I have more to learn about how insidious the disease really is - and how powerless I am over it.

Thanks to all for your insights and all your support. I will continue with AlAnon and reading Melody Beattie.
Thank you
SundayGirl
x

Cyranoak

1. Am I fooling myself that we might stay friends (or more)? Yes. IMHO with an alcoholic you either stay in it for all the ups and downs, or you are out of it. You are clearly not out of it and are actually looking for reasons to restart with him. Go back to him and he'll be drinking within a week.
2. What signals should I be looking out for? None. His drinking, or not, is none of your business. It wasn't when you were his girlfriend, and it isn't now. You are your business. Stop focusing on HIM. Start focusing on YOU.
3. What are the key things I should be focussing on in myself? Continue with Alanon, get a sponsor, and learn to answer this question yourself.

Take care and good luck.

Cyranoak

cfm

Sundaygirl:
"IF"........please answer that question for yourself first........If you ABF is indeed an alcoholic, the the following will apply.
#1 Unless he acquires TOTAL 100% ABSOLUTE ABSTINANCE, FOREVER. You are going to live with this **** forever.
#2 Their is ABSOLUTLEY no such thing as tappering off, cutting down, etc. It's the first drink that gets him. When you get hit by a train it's the engine that kills you, not the caboose.
#3 He will never really be capable of being a friend as long as he's on the hooch(not that he doesn't want to) he just not capable.