Fernaceman

So after a 3 1/2 month "relapse," everything caught up to me last night...All the lies unfolded, there wasn't another lie to cover anything up, so I crumbled and told everything.

I have been driving myself crazy today wondering where it all went wrong. It's a huge defect of mine, analyzing the past to put a WHY on my actions.

Why have I been doing it? There is no good reason for that. The only thing that can come close to an explanation is wanting to have control over SOMETHING, and the only thing I could control was using or not. Why I continued to choose using is an insane and selfish path.

Was I too cocky? Yes.
Did I underestimate the disease and what it's capable of? Yes.
Is there anyone to blame but myself? No.

Why I keep heeding the siren's call is complete insanity. It NEVER leads to anything good in the long run. I keep lying to myself, thinking that I AM the exception and I CAN overcome this on my own, even though all the knowledge and experiences of others have proven otherwise time and time again.

So here I am again, Day one, a full 24 hours at this point. I SO BADLY want to feel sorry for myself and be overly remorseful to everyone around me. I am quite aware of this manipulative trick being played.

The truth is a harsh, but I have to accept it. I must own what happened and accept any consequences for my actions hereafter. I chose to do this, no one else. Truth is I am scared beyond words at what is going to happen from here on out. Many "yets" might come to pass with this happening.

HOWEVER, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am getting picked up in a little bit for my first AA meeting in months. I know for a fact this would not be the case if last night hadn't gone down the way it did.

Sorry for intellectualizing everything. I know the only right thing I can do about it at this point is go to the meeting tonight. I just wish there was more I could do to make things better.

Keeping the Faith,

William

hypochondriac

Glad you're getting to a meeting William

I'm not sure your decision to continue using was a selfish one... that was one thing I didn't really feel like I had a choice over. Addiction isn't a moral issue. I like the saying that being an alcoholic isn't a choice but treatment is x

pipparina

William, welcome back. I hope AA works for you. I could not have gotten sober without it. I hope you have the same experience of relief and comfort there that I got.

There is hope. There are many of us on here to prove to you that you can do it.

hope5543

I admire that you are honest about your mistakes. Anyone in your life that sees you being honest and asking for help with an honest heart will probably stand by your side. Admitting our weaknesses and being honest about our wrongs and asking forgiveness is the first step to recovery. Give it to God, you will have many days when you'll take it back, but give it to God every second if you have too. Praying AA really grabs your heart tonight.

RobC420

Were you really in control of using or not? I'd argue not. If you could control it, you wouldn't have done it...amirite?

You're going back to the meetings. Good decision. Going to a meeting or not is something you really can control. Do that next time you need to control something.

Stick with it!

lilac0721

Welcome back. You have made a good choice.

Anna

Welcome, William!

I agree that it's important to look at yourself honestly, just as you're doing. That's a great place to start back on your recovery journey. Have faith that you will get through this crisis and be able to recover.

Weasel1966

William, welcome back.

Sorry you relapsed but good to see you return.

Ken

Fernaceman

Thank you everyone for your kind words. It really does help knowing that people do care and can relate...

The meeting last night went very well. Of course everyone simply welcomed me back and there was no "I told you so."

Why I continued the cycle yet again cements in my mind, at least for today, that I am absolutely an alcoholic and drug addict who is addicted to being addicted.

The cycle is not going to magically just stop one day. It's a journey, a quest of sorts.

I simply want to be content with life, and it's becoming more and more apparent to me that cannot happen while I am actively using and not working a spiritual program.

Sapling

I'll agree with that....I'm glad you are back....I had a good friend come back this morning to get his white chip....It made my day!

MIRecovery

Welcome Back, Attending is great but working the program will keep you sober long term

Fernaceman

That is just it, everyone. I want so much to be sober and live a content life, but my previous actions have shown that I do not want to work for it.

As its been so simply put, if I worked as hard on recovery as my addiction, I would be well on my way.

Day two going as well as it could. Looking forward to another meeting tonight.

Fernaceman

I want to find life's magical "fast forward" and "do-over" button. I know it's important to deal with these depressing emotions as they are happening right now, but damn.

I am accepting the consequences of my actions as they come at me, but I am scared to death over it. It's a control issue. I have manipulated every situation recently to where I would most likely know the outcome. That control being taken away from me is driving me insane.

ONE MINUTE/SECOND for now. Talked with my sponsor for a while, going to the meeting tonight. Reading the big book when I come home. Posting on here. These are small things, yes, but they are the start of a foundation that I need to be firm.

Sapling

I can honestly tell you...15 months ago....I was right where you are....If you can not drink....One second....One minute....One day at a time....You'll be amazed how fast they add up....And if you listen to your sponsor and do what is in that book.....You'll be amazed at how much your life can change.