Why does life have to be so hard?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Nj
Posts: 195
Why does life have to be so hard?
Dry drunk. Worse than just drunk. At least drunk (not that I knew he was drunk) we had fun. Now he is just mad. Mad at himself-and taking it out on the world. I never know which guy I will get when I walk in the door. The one I love, or the angry moody one. I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I'm tired, I can't get through the day without crying. I hate myself and I hate that I'm not a strong enough person to get through this. I feel alone. If I leave, I what? Go back to living at my parents and hide myself under my covers until I can face the world. I don't even feel like my life is worth willing. I could never do something to harm myself-just as a side note. I'm broken, shattered, ruined.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Life does NOT have to be that hard, hon. Life can be peaceful and serene. Life can be happy nearly every day. But when you choose to surround yourself with ugly, angry, drunk, negative, moody people, life IS going to be hard. I know exactly what you're going through and have been through it myself. I've also lived alone during certain stages of my life and I can promise you one thing, living alone in peace is MUCH better than living with a dysfunctional person or someone who does not care whether or not they live in peace or not. Living alone = the happiest times of my life.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
I'm sorry, I know just how you feel.
My axbf was the same way, VERY moody when he was drinking a lot (and even sometimes when he wasn't), you never know what would come out of left field. You'd think everything was fine and than BAM - something stupid would set him off and you'd just want to run away and hide. He could be so rude, dismissive, arrogant and downright surly but insist I was the one with the problem or I somehow caused it.
I urge you to get out of this situation. This guy has problems which have nothing to do with you, and he is using you as a dumping ground for all of his negativity. Why? Because he can. Because it makes him feel better to. I suffered through some of the most depressing and painful days of my life with my ex. His angry outbursts made me absolutely depressed and I felt horrid about myself. Even when I told him he was hurting me, he would refuse to get any help. I hated myself for putting up with it and for allowing him to keep coming back when he would turn on the charm and loving act.
I am still trying to heal but at least I'm not in that situation anymore, I am better off. I had too many days where I was crying all the time and feeling wretched or getting angry myself.... after our last argument I was so depressed I cried for days. Thank God he is finally out of my life for good.
You don't need the stress. He is not worth it.
My axbf was the same way, VERY moody when he was drinking a lot (and even sometimes when he wasn't), you never know what would come out of left field. You'd think everything was fine and than BAM - something stupid would set him off and you'd just want to run away and hide. He could be so rude, dismissive, arrogant and downright surly but insist I was the one with the problem or I somehow caused it.
I urge you to get out of this situation. This guy has problems which have nothing to do with you, and he is using you as a dumping ground for all of his negativity. Why? Because he can. Because it makes him feel better to. I suffered through some of the most depressing and painful days of my life with my ex. His angry outbursts made me absolutely depressed and I felt horrid about myself. Even when I told him he was hurting me, he would refuse to get any help. I hated myself for putting up with it and for allowing him to keep coming back when he would turn on the charm and loving act.
I am still trying to heal but at least I'm not in that situation anymore, I am better off. I had too many days where I was crying all the time and feeling wretched or getting angry myself.... after our last argument I was so depressed I cried for days. Thank God he is finally out of my life for good.
You don't need the stress. He is not worth it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
You ARE a strong enough person to get through this because you ARE getting through this. Your options may not look ideal but whatever you do next is not necessarily what you will do forever, where you will be forever and I swear on all that is holy you will not feel like this forever. Sometimes you just need one tiny little step to get some momentum. I can't tell you what that step looks like for you but I can tell you that I have been exactly where you are and I promise you it gets better.
Hang in there. You are worth so much more than what you are getting.
Hang in there. You are worth so much more than what you are getting.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
The sooner you get your life back together, the sooner your life will return to normal. There is nothing to be ashamed of, you made a mistake, we all make mistakes. It's not so
much the circumstance your involved in, it's how you handle it.
The longer you stay the worse it will become, might be time to move on and regain your life.
much the circumstance your involved in, it's how you handle it.
The longer you stay the worse it will become, might be time to move on and regain your life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
You have to hang on, Kate.
This is from one of the stickies on codependency:
"In the later stages of codependency, codependents may
1. Feel lethargic.
2. Feel depressed.
3. Become withdrawn and isolated.
4. Experience a complete loss of daily routine and structure.
5. Abuse or neglect their children and other responsibilities.
6. Feel hopeless.
7. Begin to plan their escape from a relationship they feel trapped in.
8. Think about suicide.
9. Become violent.
10. Become seriously emotionally, mentally, or physically ill.
11. Experience an eating disorder (over-or under-eating).
12. Become addicted to alcohol or other drugs. "
I don't know your history. But I hope you are getting some outside help in this time.
You are unlikely to get well if you continue to live with him.
It would be all right to separate for a while, to live elsewhere for awhile, while you get some counseling. Then in 3-6 months you could reassess.
If you cannot afford counseling, then Al-Anon or CODA or any spiritual program in a church or alternative center of spiritual focus would be very healing for you.
It is devastating to live with indifference and resentment.
And the dread of what will happen next.....it often triggers medical depression.
I hope you are getting outside help. His disease is poisoning you.
This is from one of the stickies on codependency:
"In the later stages of codependency, codependents may
1. Feel lethargic.
2. Feel depressed.
3. Become withdrawn and isolated.
4. Experience a complete loss of daily routine and structure.
5. Abuse or neglect their children and other responsibilities.
6. Feel hopeless.
7. Begin to plan their escape from a relationship they feel trapped in.
8. Think about suicide.
9. Become violent.
10. Become seriously emotionally, mentally, or physically ill.
11. Experience an eating disorder (over-or under-eating).
12. Become addicted to alcohol or other drugs. "
I don't know your history. But I hope you are getting some outside help in this time.
You are unlikely to get well if you continue to live with him.
It would be all right to separate for a while, to live elsewhere for awhile, while you get some counseling. Then in 3-6 months you could reassess.
If you cannot afford counseling, then Al-Anon or CODA or any spiritual program in a church or alternative center of spiritual focus would be very healing for you.
It is devastating to live with indifference and resentment.
And the dread of what will happen next.....it often triggers medical depression.
I hope you are getting outside help. His disease is poisoning you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 166
I have been where you are now and I can honestly say, it will get better.
I have been out of my relationship for about 2 months now.... and it has been life changing. Sure it was hard at the beginning, kept going back, going "no contact" then breaking it, etc.
You are stronger than you think. Just by being on this board and posting is strength!!!!! Baby steps. One day at a time. You will do what you need to do when you are ready. Don't get mad at yourself. There are thousands of us whom have been (or are) in your shoes. You are not dumb, you are not crazy. You are human and you loved, that is all it was.
Keep reading, keep posting. Use the energy in this board to propel you forward.
I have been out of my relationship for about 2 months now.... and it has been life changing. Sure it was hard at the beginning, kept going back, going "no contact" then breaking it, etc.
You are stronger than you think. Just by being on this board and posting is strength!!!!! Baby steps. One day at a time. You will do what you need to do when you are ready. Don't get mad at yourself. There are thousands of us whom have been (or are) in your shoes. You are not dumb, you are not crazy. You are human and you loved, that is all it was.
Keep reading, keep posting. Use the energy in this board to propel you forward.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Originally Posted by Kate5858 
I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I'm tired, I can't get through the day without crying. I hate myself and I hate that I'm not a strong enough person to get through this. I feel alone. If I leave, I what? Go back to living at my parents and hide myself under my covers until I can face the world. I don't even feel like my life is worth willing. I could never do something to harm myself-just as a side note. I'm broken, shattered, ruined.
From "How Al-Anon Works" at pages 374-375 (2008):
" There are still alcoholics in my life. Before Al-Anon, it was as if they were standing at the bottom of a ladder and I was right behind, urging, begging, and pleading for them to climb it. As they began their ascent, I propped myself behind them, pushing all them up with all my might. With each unsteady step they took, I pushed all the harder. Eventually, when they lost their grip and fell, I fell too, cushioning their blow. As they got up and climbed again, I was right underneath, all the more concerned that they hold on tight. Each time they slipped and tumbled, I fell beneath them and took the brunt once more.
" Injured and sore, I came to Al-Anon. I began to notice that some of the alcoholics weren't even holding on tightly or being careful with their footing. Why should they? They had fallen several times without sustaining injury. We fell once again.
" Then I noticed that next to this ladder was another one—a ladder with my name on it. I picked myself up off the ground, walked over and began to climb it. Although I was concerned about the alcoholcs, I realized that they must climb their own ladder by themselves. My attempts to help had only hindered. As I climb my own ladder, I discover that it requires a great deal of concentration and strength to move up. I can't effectively climb while keeping an eye on the other ladder. So I focus on my own climb up the rungs, and let the alcoholics focus on their climb. If they fall I will empathize, but I will not be injured. Their own inju¬ries may help convince them to hold on tighter. Their success, or failure, in climbing out of the pit of alcoholism is their responsibility. Whether or not I climb out is up to me."
Peace. " Injured and sore, I came to Al-Anon. I began to notice that some of the alcoholics weren't even holding on tightly or being careful with their footing. Why should they? They had fallen several times without sustaining injury. We fell once again.
" Then I noticed that next to this ladder was another one—a ladder with my name on it. I picked myself up off the ground, walked over and began to climb it. Although I was concerned about the alcoholcs, I realized that they must climb their own ladder by themselves. My attempts to help had only hindered. As I climb my own ladder, I discover that it requires a great deal of concentration and strength to move up. I can't effectively climb while keeping an eye on the other ladder. So I focus on my own climb up the rungs, and let the alcoholics focus on their climb. If they fall I will empathize, but I will not be injured. Their own inju¬ries may help convince them to hold on tighter. Their success, or failure, in climbing out of the pit of alcoholism is their responsibility. Whether or not I climb out is up to me."
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
Ok, be gentle with yourself. But it would be good for you to understand that what you are feeling are the hallmarks of codependency. This isn't about him. It's about you.
All marriages have problems. Other sober husbands have depression and anger and lose jobs - that's life. We can't be riding on someone else's rollercoaster. If your only option is to move to Mom and Dad's and get under the covers, life is going to be a very bumpy ride for you!
Instead, try to see this as your challenge. For YOU to look deeper into yourself. You can be happy even though someone else isn't. It's a good time to start detaching, finding your own happiness and not expecting anyone else to make it for you. You can do this and your life will open up and blossom. This is here to teach you something about yourself. The questions we all must ask ourselves is - are we willing to learn? Are we willing to change?
Sending loads of support and care!
All marriages have problems. Other sober husbands have depression and anger and lose jobs - that's life. We can't be riding on someone else's rollercoaster. If your only option is to move to Mom and Dad's and get under the covers, life is going to be a very bumpy ride for you!
Instead, try to see this as your challenge. For YOU to look deeper into yourself. You can be happy even though someone else isn't. It's a good time to start detaching, finding your own happiness and not expecting anyone else to make it for you. You can do this and your life will open up and blossom. This is here to teach you something about yourself. The questions we all must ask ourselves is - are we willing to learn? Are we willing to change?
Sending loads of support and care!
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