Day One...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 6
Day One...
Well, here goes, I'm a 21-year-old alcoholic. It generally has only been a visible "problem" to other people when I go out as I tend to black out, not every time I go to the bars of a party but once every month or so, and when this happens it's awful. I can't fully explain the horror of waking up in my bed with a pounding headache and absolutely no recollection of how I got home the night before. Then of course I have to pick up the phone and (after the humiliating process of reading over my drunken texts and noting the 3 A.M. out-going calls to ex-boyfriends) dial a friend to find out whose bathroom I puked in last night, if I broke anything, who's mad at me this time, which deep dark secrets I chose to loudly reveal, etc. This has been going on for the past three years, but over the past year and a half I also began to drink on a nightly basis. Often when I drink I am home, alone. I don't black out when I drink alone but I do get drunk. I hate that I drink every night, but honestly one of the reasons it's taken me so long to decide to quit drinking is I'm not sure if I can stay sober once I get off work - every morning and even during the day I have no cravings/desire to drink, but the minute I clock out my immediate preoccupation becomes alcohol. I feel as though I need it in order to sleep at night. I'm a waitress and as such generally get paid to take a lot of **** from a lot of annoying people all day. By the end of the day all I want to do is go home and lie on the couch drinking tall cans and watching Netflix. I'm not done with school yet so "finding another job" isn't much of an option right now - it would most likely be another service job and the tips here are so good that I see no point in switching jobs.
I realize that both the blacking out and the nightly drinking are problems of equal caliber but the nightly drinking disturbs me the most because nobody - and I mean NOBODY - in my life knows about it. Not my closest friends, not my coworkers - not even my roommates because I am so good at hiding it. I sneak all my beer cans out of the house on my own time so my roommates won't see them in the recycling bin. That's not to say I'm not perturbed by the bi-monthly blackouts. I'm a very sharp and intellectual person while sober, and while everyone in my circle is aware of this, I have grown to become recognized instead as the Resident Booze Hound.
I apologize for spouting off here, I'm sure these exact sentiments have been expressed thousands of times over by people in the same boat. I guess I'm just afraid that in quitting drinking I will have a tremendous void to fill and I'm not sure what to stick in that spot. I'm also wondering how I can conquer the desire to drink after work. Also complicating matters is the fact that my friends and I have all just turned 21 so all anybody wants to do right now is go out to the bars (not that all of my friends have drinking problems - I believe most of them are just experiencing the typical 21-year-old reaction to finally being able to drink). I want to be able to hang out with them even if there's alcohol around - I just don't want to be the one drinking it anymore. Does anybody have any suggestions? I'd appreciate any and all input.
I realize that both the blacking out and the nightly drinking are problems of equal caliber but the nightly drinking disturbs me the most because nobody - and I mean NOBODY - in my life knows about it. Not my closest friends, not my coworkers - not even my roommates because I am so good at hiding it. I sneak all my beer cans out of the house on my own time so my roommates won't see them in the recycling bin. That's not to say I'm not perturbed by the bi-monthly blackouts. I'm a very sharp and intellectual person while sober, and while everyone in my circle is aware of this, I have grown to become recognized instead as the Resident Booze Hound.
I apologize for spouting off here, I'm sure these exact sentiments have been expressed thousands of times over by people in the same boat. I guess I'm just afraid that in quitting drinking I will have a tremendous void to fill and I'm not sure what to stick in that spot. I'm also wondering how I can conquer the desire to drink after work. Also complicating matters is the fact that my friends and I have all just turned 21 so all anybody wants to do right now is go out to the bars (not that all of my friends have drinking problems - I believe most of them are just experiencing the typical 21-year-old reaction to finally being able to drink). I want to be able to hang out with them even if there's alcohol around - I just don't want to be the one drinking it anymore. Does anybody have any suggestions? I'd appreciate any and all input.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 137
Aww Brightstarr your story sounds so familiar..well except for the 21 part! You have to make a commitment to yourself to want more than the horror that being drunk brings. It takes some time..give yourself a break..get off the ride and watch the world open up to you..I promise you life is so much better sober!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Oconomowoc, WI
Posts: 86
Hi Brightstar, welcome to SR! There is lots of support here. It might be time to think about taking a break from drinking. Try 30 days and see how you feel. You only need to do it one day at a time. As far as the hole you talk about, fill it up with the things alcohol displaced. I mean, you didn't always have a hole right? You had things you did before you drank so do whatever that was again if you can. Or find something new to do!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome to SR BrightStarr 
My biggest problem was drinking after work too. I tried quitting everyday for 3 years but on the way home from work I would always convince myself to stop at the off licence. Coming here changed a lot for me. Just seeing other people had managed to quit too. That and AVRT stopped me from having that internal dialogue. I knew that I didn't have to drink anymore.
Glad you're here x
My biggest problem was drinking after work too. I tried quitting everyday for 3 years but on the way home from work I would always convince myself to stop at the off licence. Coming here changed a lot for me. Just seeing other people had managed to quit too. That and AVRT stopped me from having that internal dialogue. I knew that I didn't have to drink anymore.
Glad you're here x
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Northern Utah
Posts: 920
I also understand the urge to drink after work. I am also on day 1...for the gazillionth time. I have found in the recent past that changing my after work habits helps tremendously. I put together 2 weeks of sobriety by changing what I did after work. I started going to the gym instead of drinking and it killed my desire to drink. Then there was that one day that I did go to happy hour, and I've drank every night after work for the past week and had quite a binge this past weekend.
In AA, people say "don't drink and go to meetings." For me, that translates into change your habits during the times/situations where you want to drink. Replace the after work drinking habit with a new habit. You can do it. Keep coming around here! There's lots of support.
Welcome!
In AA, people say "don't drink and go to meetings." For me, that translates into change your habits during the times/situations where you want to drink. Replace the after work drinking habit with a new habit. You can do it. Keep coming around here! There's lots of support.
Welcome!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 6
I'm not sure AA is the place for me - also I sometimes get out of work very late and would be in no mood to bus across town to some meeting. I can think of a number of hobbies/projects I've been thinking of taking up over the past year but ignored in favor of solo drinking. Pathetic, I know. Cooking, yoga, aerial dance... Things like that. I'm also in school hoping to become a writer, so writing in my spare time helps a lot. I've said all of these things before though and ended up running straight back to the bar/convenience store once 5 P.M. rolls around (or whenever I get off work, whichever occurs first). I feel I really am at my wit's end this time - instead of hitting one definitive rock bottom I feel I hit the same bottom over and over again and then just choose to forget about it as soon as the hangover/remorse wears off. I've become quite the laughing stock, I'm sure, and I'm honestly amazed that I have any friends at all after three years of drunken buffoonery. This is honestly my biggest motivation to quit drinking right now: I'm tired of not being taken seriously due to my drinking (I can't even take myself seriously at this point), and I'm concerned that if I continue to drink I will soon have no friends at all and no life beyond work, Netflix, and alcohol (the thought of which is so pathetic it makes me want to vomit).
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome BrightStarr -
Glad you've decided to join us and that you're able to see what alcohol is doing in your life. There's a lot of support here and it really helps to see how others have gotten (and stayed) sober. Keep reading and posting - you can do this!
Glad you've decided to join us and that you're able to see what alcohol is doing in your life. There's a lot of support here and it really helps to see how others have gotten (and stayed) sober. Keep reading and posting - you can do this!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
Welcome to SR, BrightStarr
I'm 24 and it always pleases me when young people come to SR.
It was difficult at first to be the only one who didn't drink, and also difficult to tell everyone that I no longer drank. It's a little awkward and uncomfortable but it's worth it. After a couple of months your new life will be the norm and everyone will just expect it of you.
I also relate to the drunken texts... embarrassing stories... no memories just a lot of friends telling me how I'd behaved - argh! It's making me feel a little anxious just thinking about it! I really feel for you because I know how you feel, but please know that you don't have to go through this or live this way any longer. You can stop drinking today and change your life... you will feel so much better for it. There are so many benefits to sobriety, and at a young age and sober I can promise you that you will not miss out if that is something you are worried about... you will gain so much. It's just a different kind of life - a much better one
SR is a wonderful place and a fantastic source of support and I hope you stick around.
Wishing you all the best x
I'm 24 and it always pleases me when young people come to SR.
It was difficult at first to be the only one who didn't drink, and also difficult to tell everyone that I no longer drank. It's a little awkward and uncomfortable but it's worth it. After a couple of months your new life will be the norm and everyone will just expect it of you.
I also relate to the drunken texts... embarrassing stories... no memories just a lot of friends telling me how I'd behaved - argh! It's making me feel a little anxious just thinking about it! I really feel for you because I know how you feel, but please know that you don't have to go through this or live this way any longer. You can stop drinking today and change your life... you will feel so much better for it. There are so many benefits to sobriety, and at a young age and sober I can promise you that you will not miss out if that is something you are worried about... you will gain so much. It's just a different kind of life - a much better one
SR is a wonderful place and a fantastic source of support and I hope you stick around.
Wishing you all the best x
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: denver CO
Posts: 72
21, run! Get out of this pattern of drinking NOW! Do whatever it takes! Its harder once you build up so many regrets and become depressed. I am 45 and will never live long enough to apologize to everyone i have affected. There are so many other things in life to spend your time diong, better things, almost anything is better. I will pray for you!
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