It still haunts me....
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
It still haunts me....
One night, shortly after my husband relapsed, we were talking and arguing. I professed my love for him and how much I wanted him to work on his recovery - for him!! blah, blah blah
He turned and looked at me with complete sincerity and said "Really? I see a woman who wants her husband clean and sober for her own selfish reasons." At first, I was furious about such an ignorant statement. How dare he!! Didn't he know how much I loved him and wanted him to be happy?? I have hung in there and been oh so supportive. blah, blah, blah
However, the comment haunted me and I could not get it off my mind. It really bothered me and I didn't know why. Then it occurred to me! He was right! His sobriety was really all about me and how it effected me. I really had my own selfish reasons and agenda. OUCH!!
If you understand my post, please feel free to add some insight.
He turned and looked at me with complete sincerity and said "Really? I see a woman who wants her husband clean and sober for her own selfish reasons." At first, I was furious about such an ignorant statement. How dare he!! Didn't he know how much I loved him and wanted him to be happy?? I have hung in there and been oh so supportive. blah, blah, blah
However, the comment haunted me and I could not get it off my mind. It really bothered me and I didn't know why. Then it occurred to me! He was right! His sobriety was really all about me and how it effected me. I really had my own selfish reasons and agenda. OUCH!!
If you understand my post, please feel free to add some insight.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
I believe the statement you made was about both of you.
A marriage is a two way street, addicts don't see anything that way.
We also , as humans , want those we love and care about to be happy and healthy, not out of control.
It's a ******** statement he flung at you. When you enter a marriage, its suppose to be a partnership.
A marriage with and addict is not a partnership, it's a union that supports addiction or it's not a union at all. You could turn his statement around on him.
Don't buy the bull honey, all was doing was manipulating you to try to throw it all back on you.
Hurt me to read your post. All discussions with my A never included my feelings, my dreams, my needs, my happiness. You want him to be sober because addiction is a sickness, none of us want our loved ones to be sick.
His sobriety is not on you, but the dysfunction in your relationship is on both of you. He would never be able to look at his part when he is active.
xo
A marriage is a two way street, addicts don't see anything that way.
We also , as humans , want those we love and care about to be happy and healthy, not out of control.
It's a ******** statement he flung at you. When you enter a marriage, its suppose to be a partnership.
A marriage with and addict is not a partnership, it's a union that supports addiction or it's not a union at all. You could turn his statement around on him.
Don't buy the bull honey, all was doing was manipulating you to try to throw it all back on you.
Hurt me to read your post. All discussions with my A never included my feelings, my dreams, my needs, my happiness. You want him to be sober because addiction is a sickness, none of us want our loved ones to be sick.
His sobriety is not on you, but the dysfunction in your relationship is on both of you. He would never be able to look at his part when he is active.
xo
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
He turned and looked at me with complete sincerity and said "Really? I see a woman who wants her husband clean and sober for her own selfish reasons."
Wow this blows me away, LMN, what would he describe as YOUR selfish reasons for wanting his sobriety.
If wanting peace and happiness, loving and caring relationships, being treated with respect and honor etc... is selfish, than we are all selfish.
It is our God given right to be Loved and respected.
Thanks for the post, I needed to read that today.
Wow this blows me away, LMN, what would he describe as YOUR selfish reasons for wanting his sobriety.
If wanting peace and happiness, loving and caring relationships, being treated with respect and honor etc... is selfish, than we are all selfish.
It is our God given right to be Loved and respected.
Thanks for the post, I needed to read that today.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
It's wasn't really about what he had to say, it was more about how it made me feel.
My attempts to control, fix, rescue and change him were selfish. It was filling a need in me and my ego that I wasn't really away of.
As for the marriage- I chose to stay. The question that needed to be answered was...why?? The answer had far more to do with me then I was willing to admit!
My attempts to control, fix, rescue and change him were selfish. It was filling a need in me and my ego that I wasn't really away of.
As for the marriage- I chose to stay. The question that needed to be answered was...why?? The answer had far more to do with me then I was willing to admit!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
LMN
Just my thoughts ~ for me there was some truth in those types of acusations my now exah would toss back at me - yes there were partly selfish reasons I wanted him to get sober - after all - I had made plans for our life together - I had well thought out dreams of what would and could happen if he stay sober ~ a good life for us, our daughters, grandchildren etc. . . but what I learned in recovery is that I had to allow each person the respect and dignity to choose their OWN life ~ to walk their own path. I also had the freedom to walk mine.
I really wasn't planning bad things - I just didn't have to right to plan another adult's life especially if it wasn't the life they wanted. . .
This was just my awakening . . . I discovered we wanted different things ~ my exah wanted to go back to his life of the active disease - I wanted to stay in active recovery ~ for me - these lives couldn't survive in the same household in a sane & serene manner ~
We each had to respect the other's choice ~ it was painful ~ not sure about him, but I know I am much happier now ~
Wishing you the best
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Just my thoughts ~ for me there was some truth in those types of acusations my now exah would toss back at me - yes there were partly selfish reasons I wanted him to get sober - after all - I had made plans for our life together - I had well thought out dreams of what would and could happen if he stay sober ~ a good life for us, our daughters, grandchildren etc. . . but what I learned in recovery is that I had to allow each person the respect and dignity to choose their OWN life ~ to walk their own path. I also had the freedom to walk mine.
I really wasn't planning bad things - I just didn't have to right to plan another adult's life especially if it wasn't the life they wanted. . .
This was just my awakening . . . I discovered we wanted different things ~ my exah wanted to go back to his life of the active disease - I wanted to stay in active recovery ~ for me - these lives couldn't survive in the same household in a sane & serene manner ~
We each had to respect the other's choice ~ it was painful ~ not sure about him, but I know I am much happier now ~
Wishing you the best
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Thank you Rita for sharing. The more I thought about his comment, the more I saw the truth about ME! It was really a turning point for me to acknowledge it. I was still looking at him to make me happy, meet my needs, financially support us, and make "our" life better again. I was still refusing to be responsible for ME and my own happiness.
With a lot of hard work, I am learning to change my thinking. He is still working his recovery but that is NOT all that matters to me anymore.
With a lot of hard work, I am learning to change my thinking. He is still working his recovery but that is NOT all that matters to me anymore.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Originally Posted by LoveMeNot 
I was still looking at him to make me happy, meet my needs, financially support us, and make "our" life better again. I was still refusing to be responsible for ME and my own happiness.
It was a damn epiphany when I figured it out and started making some changes. The happy started happening!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
I get you LMN. I think I too had selfish reasons for AH getting sober, I wanted my life back on track. Come to figure though that we have both been unhappy for awhile and his sobriety would not fix some of the longstanding issues in our relationship. We had both checked out in our own way.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by FindingErica
I get you LMN. I think I too had selfish reasons for AH getting sober, I wanted my life back on track. Come to figure though that we have both been unhappy for awhile and his sobriety would not fix some of the longstanding issues in our relationship. We had both checked out in our own way.
Plus who needs a Helen Keller who threatens with tictoc!! :rotfxko
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by LoveMeNot
I professed my love for him and how much I wanted him to work on his recovery - for him!! blah, blah blah
He turned and looked at me with complete sincerity and said "Really? I see a woman who wants her husband clean and sober for her own selfish reasons."
He turned and looked at me with complete sincerity and said "Really? I see a woman who wants her husband clean and sober for her own selfish reasons."
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Jacksonville
Posts: 59
I get what you are saying, but I also think that when 2 people get married they are supposed to become one in agreement. I know for me, I want my AH to be sober because WE BOTH (and our children) deserve more than his addiction has given us. He is not living a joyful life and that breaks my heart. My life is joyful , and miserable. I want him to be sober, so we can have the fullness of life together. Is it egotistical for me to want him sober? I don't believe so, I have been in this for 16 years and am just realizing that i can stay and still have joy, but I deserve more, we all do. I left 8 weeks ago, but I dicn't leave under the assumption that i am not happy, i left under the assumption that he cant get better with me and what if he actually gets clean because i left. Because the responsibility will finally be on him to see what he is made of.
Getting there!!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Lara - I am just trying to work on me without blaming him for all my problems (which I did for a long time).
He has to take accountability but I do too. I played a role in the sickness of my relationship. Whether or not he stays clean is now his business, my business is to get healthy and have healthy relationships.
IMO, a healthy person would not continue to live with an active addict. His getting clean was not the solution to my issues as I had once believed.
I am only speaking for me. Take what you want and leave the rest!
He has to take accountability but I do too. I played a role in the sickness of my relationship. Whether or not he stays clean is now his business, my business is to get healthy and have healthy relationships.
IMO, a healthy person would not continue to live with an active addict. His getting clean was not the solution to my issues as I had once believed.
I am only speaking for me. Take what you want and leave the rest!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by LoveMeNot
Lara - I am just trying to work on me without blaming him for all my problems (which I did for a long time).
He has to take accountability but I do too. I played a role in the sickness of my relationship. Whether or not he stays clean is now his business, my business is to get healthy and have healthy relationships.
IMO, a healthy person would not continue to live with an active addict. His getting clean was not the solution to my issues as I had once believed.
I am only speaking for me. Take what you want and leave the rest!
He has to take accountability but I do too. I played a role in the sickness of my relationship. Whether or not he stays clean is now his business, my business is to get healthy and have healthy relationships.
IMO, a healthy person would not continue to live with an active addict. His getting clean was not the solution to my issues as I had once believed.
I am only speaking for me. Take what you want and leave the rest!
All the very best to you!!!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by Lara
LovemeNot you sound strong and I admire you. I was just stating that I believe you are 'entitled' to ask he seeks recovery. But yes, I completely agree that you / we play a role in the sickness and the relationship and we need to look at ourselves. And you are quite right "A healthy person would not continue to live with an active addict" - IMO a healthy person would value themselves so much more!
All the very best to you!!!
All the very best to you!!!
I am far from strong, but I am working hard to get there! Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this subject.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Lara I agree with you, that it isn't selfish to want a non-addicted partner. When I married AH he was clean and sober. Also we have children and I believe when one chooses to become a parent they morally are obligated to care for those children, and part of that is to remain clean and sober. I don't think it is selfish to say that I can't agree with drugs being brought into our relationship when I have no desire to have them there.
On the flip side, I think it can be selfish to want to force someone to be something they are not wanting to be. Or to want someone to be sober so they will continue doing things for you that you can do for yourself. So it is a fine line I guess.
On the flip side, I think it can be selfish to want to force someone to be something they are not wanting to be. Or to want someone to be sober so they will continue doing things for you that you can do for yourself. So it is a fine line I guess.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
[QUOTE=FindingErica;3616743
On the flip side, I think it can be selfish to want to force someone to be something they are not wanting to be. Or to want someone to be sober so they will continue doing things for you that you can do for yourself. So it is a fine line I guess.[/QUOTE]
Erica you are so right - it is a fine line. I know looking back at my childhood and recognising my mum's role in my dad's alcoholism (yes, isn't it easy to look at someone else's life - and not one's own) - I adore my mum, am very close to her, alwas have been - but always felt 'sorry' for mum as a young person. We all did (my siblings) - mum worked like a dog as Dad was most of the time too drunk to keep a job. He always had his own business so made it much easier to just not do a damn thing...mum always seemed to put everyone else's needs above her own... Dad died 11 years ago aged 51! And only from joining SR (due to my relationship with H - and his cocaine addiction - Liar, Liar, Range Rover on Fire) - did I begin to learn about MYSELF and read 'Co-dependent No more'. The moment I finished reading it I gave it to my mum and sister - my God - my mum was so manipulative. And in some strange way it suited her that Dad was drunk. Easier to play the 'burning martyr' then actually face the reality that we are responsible for our own lives.
But in my mum's situation I don't think it was selfish at all to want a sober husband to help with the parenting etc etc etc.... mum was just clueless as to enabling, addiction etc etc.
But now I need to look at MYSELF and my love affair with H. Why am I still here?? Why do I want to 'change him'?? Do I really accept he is an addict?? Do I really accept my role in his behaviour? Have I truly detached?? Why do I want him 'clean'? Was he ever really clean? Do I really know him?? Are we really 'best friends / lovers"?? Maybe there is a dark side to me that is quite taken by the 'bad boy' image? Maybe I am more in love with the 'idea of H' rather then who he truly is?? Do I want him 'clean' and 'sober' to do 'more for me' - to make me feel more secure about my future? To be guaranteed of always been financially secure?? These are all things I need to provide for myself. I already do - I am comletely independent - but sometimes my mind toys with the idea of having someone 'bigger' than me to 'take care of me'....Tough questions - ones I need to address....
On the flip side, I think it can be selfish to want to force someone to be something they are not wanting to be. Or to want someone to be sober so they will continue doing things for you that you can do for yourself. So it is a fine line I guess.[/QUOTE]
Erica you are so right - it is a fine line. I know looking back at my childhood and recognising my mum's role in my dad's alcoholism (yes, isn't it easy to look at someone else's life - and not one's own) - I adore my mum, am very close to her, alwas have been - but always felt 'sorry' for mum as a young person. We all did (my siblings) - mum worked like a dog as Dad was most of the time too drunk to keep a job. He always had his own business so made it much easier to just not do a damn thing...mum always seemed to put everyone else's needs above her own... Dad died 11 years ago aged 51! And only from joining SR (due to my relationship with H - and his cocaine addiction - Liar, Liar, Range Rover on Fire) - did I begin to learn about MYSELF and read 'Co-dependent No more'. The moment I finished reading it I gave it to my mum and sister - my God - my mum was so manipulative. And in some strange way it suited her that Dad was drunk. Easier to play the 'burning martyr' then actually face the reality that we are responsible for our own lives.
But in my mum's situation I don't think it was selfish at all to want a sober husband to help with the parenting etc etc etc.... mum was just clueless as to enabling, addiction etc etc.
But now I need to look at MYSELF and my love affair with H. Why am I still here?? Why do I want to 'change him'?? Do I really accept he is an addict?? Do I really accept my role in his behaviour? Have I truly detached?? Why do I want him 'clean'? Was he ever really clean? Do I really know him?? Are we really 'best friends / lovers"?? Maybe there is a dark side to me that is quite taken by the 'bad boy' image? Maybe I am more in love with the 'idea of H' rather then who he truly is?? Do I want him 'clean' and 'sober' to do 'more for me' - to make me feel more secure about my future? To be guaranteed of always been financially secure?? These are all things I need to provide for myself. I already do - I am comletely independent - but sometimes my mind toys with the idea of having someone 'bigger' than me to 'take care of me'....Tough questions - ones I need to address....
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
What I am really trying to say ......(with a poor example of a one sided argument) is -
What I have learned about me is that when I am trying to fix or rescue someone, if I examine my own motives more closely, they are almost always to fill a selfish need in me. A need to be right, a need to feel loved, a need for self worth, a need for power, a need for control, etc.
I finally understand what Outtolunch means when she says Codependency is the disease of the ego. I guess I am just a slow learner.
What I have learned about me is that when I am trying to fix or rescue someone, if I examine my own motives more closely, they are almost always to fill a selfish need in me. A need to be right, a need to feel loved, a need for self worth, a need for power, a need for control, etc.
I finally understand what Outtolunch means when she says Codependency is the disease of the ego. I guess I am just a slow learner.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I want a husband who doesn't cheat, use drugs or rob banks.
That's not selfish, that's setting boundaries in my life of what I will or will not accept. If my husband did any of the above, he would not last one day in my world.
Luckily that hasn't been an issue with me. But the same boundaries would apply to my son, my brother, my friend. Selfish? I think not. Self-protective and true to my values...indeed.
Just my thoughts.
Hugs
That's not selfish, that's setting boundaries in my life of what I will or will not accept. If my husband did any of the above, he would not last one day in my world.
Luckily that hasn't been an issue with me. But the same boundaries would apply to my son, my brother, my friend. Selfish? I think not. Self-protective and true to my values...indeed.
Just my thoughts.
Hugs
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