lilac0721

I didn't want to come back again and admit that I can't stay sober longer than a couple of weeks. Meetings or no meetings, it doesn't matter.

I actually recognized the most recent trigger for a weekend-long (long weekend, too) binge: a training on sexual assault for law enforcement, prosecutors and victim advocates that I attended on Thursday. At a few points during the training I had to keep back tears. That night I had trouble sleeping. Friday, I felt extremely anxious and just wanted to be numb. So I drank a lot. same on Saturday. Same on Sunday. Same thing yesterday. Sleep, drink, wake up crying and drink some more to fall back to sleep. I know it's no way to live. But I keep screwing up the whole staying sober thing.

This morning I feel sad, scared and hopeless. I slept the better part of 3pm til 5am. I want to cry but the tears won't come. I don't know what's buried inside, but it's quite a beast and I don't know how else to keep it down besides drinking myself numb.

Help, this sucks.

Hollyanne

You HAVE not stayed sober for more than a couple of weeks.
But you can, and you will.
Don't give up.
What have you tried so far?

Needsassistance

Your not hopeless lilac. I'm a 80 odd days, if I can do this anyone can, I was a mess. Use sr and the good experienced people here to develop a personal plan, one that can be encompassing enough to get you through your weak moments. Hang in there, you can do it!

Anna

You can learn to deal with those emotions in a healthy way, and be able to stay sober.

I'm glad you're back.

Weasel1966

Never ever worry about how many times you need to come here and say anything. This is your safe haven. We are not going to judge you so don't you judge you.

It's a lot sometimes and the fact you are here means you want to heal and stay sober.

Glad you posted.

MycoolFitz

There is always hope the best time to find it is when it feels hopeless

lilac0721

Thank you. I really needed to "hear" that.

fallingtogether

Welcome back! Glad ur here. You are NOT hopeless, you just haven't found your way yet. Sometimes it takes a time or two or a thousand times. The point is you know a change needs to happen. For me it became an issue of life or death, and if life was the case, it could have been without my 2 kids. I knew it had to change. Along with crying out for help for months online, I finally cried out for help here, in real life. And guess what? People were willing to help me. My family and friends are so supportive, and my AA family is wonderful. I'm on day 8, and I know tht I will not drink today. I am free to live and love without alcohol and its effects dragging me into the abyss! Today life is good and I thought it would be impossible to get here. Man, was I wrong! Best wishes to you and your journey! Xoxo

freshstart57

You are not hopeless at all. The struggles you are having with that beast are part of what makes you such an incredible human, without those emotions you would be less than you are. They can empower you to do incredible good.

Believe in yourself, you will find your way forward.

Sapling

Nobody is beyond hope lilac0721...I know I was pretty close...But as long as you're breathing you have hope. I'm glad you're back...Let's make the changes needed to make it stick this time.

Natom

No-one is hopeless Lilac. We all had the ability to get ourselves into the messes we made and we have the ability to get ourselves out of them. It all depends on how much we apply ourselves and how much we really want it. A friend of mine with a significant amount of clean-time said to me that if I put as much effort into my recovery that I put into my using I will be absolutely fine.

hypochondriac

Sorry you're struggling Lilac, but you are not hopeless! You can do this, you just need to identify what will work for you.

I used to drink because of anxiety too, but I eventually worked out that the alcohol actually caused that anxiety! It was a horrible cycle to be trapped in but it is possible to break free. For me the hardest thing was just making the decision not to drink and sticking to it. AVRT helped me a lot with that.

Can you identify what helped you stay sober for a few weeks? Sometimes it helps to focus on your strengths x

NatalieN

Lilac:

You aren't hopeless. You may be feeling some hopelessness and that's quite ok. It's a human emotion designed to propel us forward to the next level. Use your hopelessness as fuel to go on. Like an alchemist, transmute that feeling into its opposite, hope.*

You'll probably think I am nuts and that's ok, but I'll tell you what my spiritual advisor for lack of a better term told me the other day. She said baby you are made of star dust, you walked out of a supernova. You CAN do anything. It really made a lot of sense to me and filled me with hope.

Stick around and read read read*

*Natalie*

Sapling

I like that NatalieN....Good stuff!

Lyoness

Lilac, I am new here, too, and agree that you are not hopeless!

Going to a training like that can be so terrifying and triggering, especially if you have PTSD which so many of us do. You're response of anxiety and fear and empathy are normal human responses that show you are a deeply caring person.

A person who like me, like many of us, is struggling to find ways to cope with the depth of pain life can be filled with. A person who used her most familiar coping tool to deal with that pain.

That is one of the main reasons I use, for my PTSD, to shut out my own immense pain and the intense pain of others that crawls over into my own skin and I can't seem to stop.

And I have begun to wonder, especially the more I read here, if I am making my own pain and PTSD worse by my using. It's a lot to think about, a lot to take in.

But I am feeling more and more inspired to find out if there is a different way, a better way. I will hold hope and faith for you that you can make it this time, that you'll find a better way. And I will hold it for me, too. Hold fast to this burgeoning desire to stop using oxy and start living life again. And I'll start with more phone calls to doctors today to get help that has been way too slow in coming.

Here's to us both making it!

Peace, Lyoness.

lilac0721

That is beautiful. Thank you, Lyoness. It's weird, because I've never been diagnosed with PTSD, though several of the counselors I've seen over the past 10-15 years have said that I've been involved in abusive relationships. While the trainers were talking about the symptoms of PTSD, I shuddered and nearly cried. Those all describe me quite well. Looking back, it's no wonder that every time I've had a domestic violence case on my docket I get very ill and have panic attacks.

I hope we can both get through this and learn a new way that is not using/drinking.

least

I used to feel hopeless too, like I was doomed to die a drunk. But with the help of my counselor and the good people here I didnt give up and kept on trying. And now I'm closing in on three years sober! So please don't give up - this can be done.

Lyoness

I'm just starting outpatient counseling for my oxy addiction and though fighting it, I realize it's time for other counseling again, too. I did eight years of therapy dealing with my abuse issues and then needed a breather. All that yelling and screaming wore me out!

Dealing with this stuff is like peeling an onion, to use an old metaphor. Maybe in dealing with my addiction I'm also ready to peel away more layers of old stuff--old pain, old coping skills (like addiction), old beliefs.

Maybe a new and bright shining layer is just waiting under the surface, and like any treasure it will take time and hard work and lots of honing to get too. Maybe this is true for you, too. That as you heal the addiction you will really get to heal the underlying causes that keep you from shining, too.

It's not easy. Really it's the most difficult thing in the world. But maybe we can make it this time. There's so much help here and everywhere I am beginning to discover. I've just been so lost in my own pain and addiction and fogged in high that I forgot that it was there.

I feel like I am rambling a bit. It's early and I've been doing so much thinking. It's just that I'm so grateful for this site and all the wisdom and love and support here. I really feel like my fog is finally being penetrated and I am beginning to wake up, even just a little.

I guess maybe I feel the tendrils of real hope for the first time in years. Or what feels like centuries.

We can do it!

OneLessLonely

LILAC!! The class of May stills posts about you telling you to pop in. We have people who have slipped away and come back and back at sobriety. Please post in there if you get a chance. You can do this and you deserve it! Stay close to here.

lilac0721

That's super sweet! Put a smile on my face. Thank you!