Desperate and afraid for AH and myself
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 48
Desperate and afraid for AH and myself
No one will listen to me. Not his doctors who continue to give him xanax even though I have told his doctor he abuses it, the police who my husband called to our house when I took his wallet and keys away to keep him from going out and getting drunk, his so called friends who continue to encourage him to come out to the bar with him after I pleaded with them not to,,,
My husband's drinking is making his depression worse - in fact, I now believe he is bipolar. When he drinks he has these serious depression bouts where he exhibits very risky behavior and spends huge amounts of money (like $1000 a week) and comes home so drunk his pants are pee'd.
Before he would have these crashes about two to three times a year for a couple weeks. Now (and I believe it is because his now 4 year use and abuse of xanax and alcohol) his binges last longer and he is only clear minded for about 2 - 3 weeks before sinking again. This has been going on since January.
He told me tonight that he is burnt out. He wants to live another 25 years (to 75) but he feels burnt out. He says he has got to figure this out or else he is "out of here" (we both understood what that meant). He never hinted about suicide before and in fact a few days ago I came into the bathroom and saw him with tissue on his wrist - it was bleeding - it was slashed. It was not deep. I asked him what happened and he said it was an accident. His story didn't add up.
I don't know where else to turn. If I go to his doctor my husband will be furious and the doctor already told me if he hears anymore stories about my husband he is dropping him as a patient....
I don't know what to dooooo. :-( Let's just say I am not going to his family (long story). I can go to alanon but that won't save my husband from himself. I can go to counseling - again - that won't help him. He as been in rehab twice this year and relapsed. We have tried alcohol counseling outpatient.
I can't call that emergency number because he is not imminently trying to harm himself or someone else. But I am just afraid I am going to find him dead one day and then it is too late. A part of me is even worried for myself. What he might do to me. Not that he ever threatened me - but what if one day he goes nuts and decides to take me out with him.
My husband's drinking is making his depression worse - in fact, I now believe he is bipolar. When he drinks he has these serious depression bouts where he exhibits very risky behavior and spends huge amounts of money (like $1000 a week) and comes home so drunk his pants are pee'd.
Before he would have these crashes about two to three times a year for a couple weeks. Now (and I believe it is because his now 4 year use and abuse of xanax and alcohol) his binges last longer and he is only clear minded for about 2 - 3 weeks before sinking again. This has been going on since January.
He told me tonight that he is burnt out. He wants to live another 25 years (to 75) but he feels burnt out. He says he has got to figure this out or else he is "out of here" (we both understood what that meant). He never hinted about suicide before and in fact a few days ago I came into the bathroom and saw him with tissue on his wrist - it was bleeding - it was slashed. It was not deep. I asked him what happened and he said it was an accident. His story didn't add up.
I don't know where else to turn. If I go to his doctor my husband will be furious and the doctor already told me if he hears anymore stories about my husband he is dropping him as a patient....
I don't know what to dooooo. :-( Let's just say I am not going to his family (long story). I can go to alanon but that won't save my husband from himself. I can go to counseling - again - that won't help him. He as been in rehab twice this year and relapsed. We have tried alcohol counseling outpatient.
I can't call that emergency number because he is not imminently trying to harm himself or someone else. But I am just afraid I am going to find him dead one day and then it is too late. A part of me is even worried for myself. What he might do to me. Not that he ever threatened me - but what if one day he goes nuts and decides to take me out with him.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
Sweetie, you cannot help him. You cannot save him. He has to do it for himself. Instead of feeling sorry for himself, he can call a detox center and get some help. He can find an AA meeting. He can find rehab. He can figure this out IF he wants to. It doesn't really sound like he wants to. If he has been to rehab twice already this year, it sounds like he just isn't ready to stop drinking. He has the toolbox, but he just won't use it.
You, however, do not have to go down with him. You have choices, just like he does. I hope you will look into those choices and do what is necessary to save yourself.
You, however, do not have to go down with him. You have choices, just like he does. I hope you will look into those choices and do what is necessary to save yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
I'm so sorry you both are going through this. I'm torn for you, I don't think alcoholics have to reach bottom to be helped, but it sounds like he is hitting his.
Will he go to AA, he will be surrounded by kindred spirits who completely understand where he is. At least there he'll have a daily place to check in.
My heart breaks for both of you. This illness is a monster. His suicidal thoughts have to be taken seriously!
Even if it won't directly help him, you my dear could benefit greatly from Alanon. At least get some support. I cannot believe that a doctor is threatening to drop someone who is in this much trouble. Can the rehab recommend a doctor for him?
Sending you loads of support and concern!
Will he go to AA, he will be surrounded by kindred spirits who completely understand where he is. At least there he'll have a daily place to check in.
My heart breaks for both of you. This illness is a monster. His suicidal thoughts have to be taken seriously!
Even if it won't directly help him, you my dear could benefit greatly from Alanon. At least get some support. I cannot believe that a doctor is threatening to drop someone who is in this much trouble. Can the rehab recommend a doctor for him?
Sending you loads of support and concern!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
He doesn't want to change. He left rehab this summer and instead of going back to full time work, he took most of the day to drink.
He has shown you that he is not willing to change. Are you ready to accept it?
Stop listening to his empty, manipulative words and look at his actions. Are they the actions of someone trying to make healthy changes?
"...if he's going to burn the house down, would you rather be in it with him, or safe somewhere else? I doubt you were put down here on this earth to follow a grown man with a dustpan, a fire extinguisher, and a pack of Huggies."---GiveLove
He has shown you that he is not willing to change. Are you ready to accept it?
Stop listening to his empty, manipulative words and look at his actions. Are they the actions of someone trying to make healthy changes?
"...if he's going to burn the house down, would you rather be in it with him, or safe somewhere else? I doubt you were put down here on this earth to follow a grown man with a dustpan, a fire extinguisher, and a pack of Huggies."---GiveLove
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I totally agree with previous posters. I would only add that the next time he accidentally, superficially slashes his wrists (or does anything else similar) call 911 or your county board for mental illness. Not sure how you'd even find that number. You could probably call your counties mental health clinic to find out.
That is the proper procedure for friend, family, or concerned person to do when there are threats of suicide. Nothing more. They are the professionals and will take it from there.
Many hugs to you.
That is the proper procedure for friend, family, or concerned person to do when there are threats of suicide. Nothing more. They are the professionals and will take it from there.
Many hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I feel the frustration in your post Whyme2012. Please know you are not alone and WE are listening.
Just my .02 cents, but you are his wife, and he is an adult man. You are not his mother and cannot make decisions or choices for him. He is an addict, you cannot fix/help him. So why not do the next best thing and turn the focus to YOU. Time to take your life and power back.
You mention concern for your safety, and rightfully so, as we cannot ever predict the actions of an addict. Maybe just maybe, your gut instinct is telling you something. I have learned to pay close attention to that inner voice.
Change begins with YOU, my friend.
Keep posting, we will be here with you.
Just my .02 cents, but you are his wife, and he is an adult man. You are not his mother and cannot make decisions or choices for him. He is an addict, you cannot fix/help him. So why not do the next best thing and turn the focus to YOU. Time to take your life and power back.
You mention concern for your safety, and rightfully so, as we cannot ever predict the actions of an addict. Maybe just maybe, your gut instinct is telling you something. I have learned to pay close attention to that inner voice.
Change begins with YOU, my friend.
Keep posting, we will be here with you.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Whyme2012, you're a passenger in a rapidly depressurizing plane.
Do you know what caused the depressurization (can you go through the checklist)?
Do you know how to fix the plane's problem (do you have a Troubleshooting/Repair Manual & necessary tools)?
Do you know how to fly the broken plane (is it flyable and, if so, how)?
Is it too late at this point?
NO. Quick, follow the PASSENGER (not the pilot) procedures:
Put your oxygen mask on first! Go to Al-Anon.
You didn't Cause this & you don't know what did.
You can't Cure this.
And You can't Control this or him.
Pay Attention, and Wait for possible Parachuting instructions over the intercom or wait until you're at Eject altitude.
Peace.
Do you know what caused the depressurization (can you go through the checklist)?
Do you know how to fix the plane's problem (do you have a Troubleshooting/Repair Manual & necessary tools)?
Do you know how to fly the broken plane (is it flyable and, if so, how)?
Is it too late at this point?
NO. Quick, follow the PASSENGER (not the pilot) procedures:
Put your oxygen mask on first! Go to Al-Anon.
You didn't Cause this & you don't know what did.
You can't Cure this.
And You can't Control this or him.
Pay Attention, and Wait for possible Parachuting instructions over the intercom or wait until you're at Eject altitude.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Whyme,
You are powerless to force any change in your husband and powerless to determine his destiny. And so are the doctors, the police, the bar friends, the rehab counselors, everyone you have been trying to coerce into changing their attitudes and behaviors. You have been believing that Step One--"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol" -- does not apply equally to them. But it does. They are powerless over the behaviors and the thinking of your alcoholic husband. Just as you are.
You must bring God back into the picture. And take yourself-- and everyone else you have been chasing-- out of that picture.
The God who made your husband, who breathed life into your husband, who created him for a purpose and a mission on this earth which is unfolding at this very moment and is beyond your understanding....you have completely taken out of the picture as you frantically call, coerce, beg, threaten, and bargain with every human being who has crossed your husband's path.
Your solution is a spiritual one. If you go to Al-Anon several times a week--in fact, 90 meetings in 90 days, even, if possible--you will come to deeply understand this. Get a sponsor and seriously work those Steps. You will eventually release control which is not yours to have. It is not yours. It never has been. Let go.
Recovery for the alcoholic has a much better chance of holding when there is genuine recovery in the spouse.
You need to get some help for yourself. God and your husband have some things to do that do not include you.
Get some help for you.
From the opening in Al-Anon: 'We, too, were lonely and frustrated, but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possible to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not."
Find recovering people, Whyme. Go within your own heart and mind. And you may discover "Why you."
You are powerless to force any change in your husband and powerless to determine his destiny. And so are the doctors, the police, the bar friends, the rehab counselors, everyone you have been trying to coerce into changing their attitudes and behaviors. You have been believing that Step One--"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol" -- does not apply equally to them. But it does. They are powerless over the behaviors and the thinking of your alcoholic husband. Just as you are.
You must bring God back into the picture. And take yourself-- and everyone else you have been chasing-- out of that picture.
The God who made your husband, who breathed life into your husband, who created him for a purpose and a mission on this earth which is unfolding at this very moment and is beyond your understanding....you have completely taken out of the picture as you frantically call, coerce, beg, threaten, and bargain with every human being who has crossed your husband's path.
Your solution is a spiritual one. If you go to Al-Anon several times a week--in fact, 90 meetings in 90 days, even, if possible--you will come to deeply understand this. Get a sponsor and seriously work those Steps. You will eventually release control which is not yours to have. It is not yours. It never has been. Let go.
Recovery for the alcoholic has a much better chance of holding when there is genuine recovery in the spouse.
You need to get some help for yourself. God and your husband have some things to do that do not include you.
Get some help for you.
From the opening in Al-Anon: 'We, too, were lonely and frustrated, but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless and that it is possible to find contentment, and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not."
Find recovering people, Whyme. Go within your own heart and mind. And you may discover "Why you."
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Someone told me once that sometimes, to save a drowning person, you have to knock them out. Because if you don't, they will pull you down with them. I don't know if that is true, but I thought of it often after I left my AXH.
He was drowning all of us. In alcohol. And all I could do was make sure those of us who knew we were drowning made it to shore OK.
Nobody will listen to you, you say. We're listening. Are you listening to yourself? Your pain is so raw. Your exhaustion so clear. You could choose to take care of you. And maybe he'll swim to shore on his own and maybe he'll drown. But he won't take you with him.
He was drowning all of us. In alcohol. And all I could do was make sure those of us who knew we were drowning made it to shore OK.
Nobody will listen to you, you say. We're listening. Are you listening to yourself? Your pain is so raw. Your exhaustion so clear. You could choose to take care of you. And maybe he'll swim to shore on his own and maybe he'll drown. But he won't take you with him.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
You cant help him, he is an adult it is his problem his responsibility to get clean and sober. Until he falls to his knees, he will not get back up and embrace a strong recovery program, some never do. He is spending a ton of money a week, sounds like he is doing some kind of street drug too.
Meeting are for you, bounderies are set for you, to protect you, Until you work on you and
become more knowledgable about addiction, nothing will change.
When he drives drunk, call the cops on him, if they find him, they will arrest him.
Work on you, read all the stickeys at the top of this and all the Family & Friends Forums, read
cynical one(s) blogs, read Codependent No More and keep posting on a regular basis, it will
help.
Meeting are for you, bounderies are set for you, to protect you, Until you work on you and
become more knowledgable about addiction, nothing will change.
When he drives drunk, call the cops on him, if they find him, they will arrest him.
Work on you, read all the stickeys at the top of this and all the Family & Friends Forums, read
cynical one(s) blogs, read Codependent No More and keep posting on a regular basis, it will
help.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Oh, dear.....yes. So many of us came here to SR or to Al-Anon thinking "Just give me the tools so I can fix this!"
Sadly, it just does not work that way. Al-Anon is for you. So you can find your peace, your balance, your joy again. It is possible to find joy, whether or not the alcoholic is actively drinking.
Are you willing to change what you are currently doing for you?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Sadly, it just does not work that way. Al-Anon is for you. So you can find your peace, your balance, your joy again. It is possible to find joy, whether or not the alcoholic is actively drinking.
Are you willing to change what you are currently doing for you?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
hate so much that your life is affected by the active disease of alcoholism and addiction but so glad you are reaching out for help for you ~
As many have said and you have learned there is not much you can do to help him ~ but there is so much you try for you ~
These are the things that helped me - attending al-anon meetings, reading recovery literature, posting & reading on SR, and working my own program of recovery ~
Wishing you peace, serenity and healing
PINK HUGS,
Rita
As many have said and you have learned there is not much you can do to help him ~ but there is so much you try for you ~
These are the things that helped me - attending al-anon meetings, reading recovery literature, posting & reading on SR, and working my own program of recovery ~
Wishing you peace, serenity and healing
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Whyme,
Alcoholic + Xanax = Recipe for Disaster.
There is a reason they put a label on the side informing the patient NOT to drink alcohol. Alcohol is the most abused drug in America and Xanax may be second... both act on the central nervous system in a similar fashion and combined create a euphoric effect. However, both drugs build up a tolerance in the user and when cross addicted is a nasty, nasty detox.
The drug combination can cause suicidal thoughts and in my own experience with my A who LOVED to combine alcohol and benzos a nasty personality change and blackouts.
There is a wealth of information on the internet on the dangers of alcohol and benzodiazepines and your husband should be researching and get very involved in his medical treatment to balance his meds in a responsible and sensible manner.
Personally, I am stunned that an MD would knowingly prescribe xanax to a known alcoholic and when the wife calls and tells him he is abusing and potentially suicidal threaten to drop him as a patient if you keep bothering him!
While this is simply crazy it is just a sign of the times and in times past I would have sent a certified letter to the doctor and made a record of his strange response to potentially dangerous situation and forced him to boot the A! Then I would have helicoptered my A to the doctor of choice and gotten the script cancelled and my A forced into detox and rehab and etc, etc, etc...
And what I can tell you is that there are millions of doctors out there that will fill the void and write the script and all our hovering and helicoptering does is annoy the A and drive us crazy!
Your A has to get involved in determining his plan for his health and work with whatever doctors he wants to entrust his health with. You can't do it for him and the best thing you can do is create boundaries for YOU...
In my case I developed alcohol and drug free boundaries which he violated and I acted... I seperated myself from the insanity and he had to figure it out on his own. He stumbled and picked himself up a couple of times and today he is sober. It is most likely temporary and he will most likely drink again.
Not my problem. Sounds harsh but it is the BEST thing we can do for them. Four years of giving him a soft landing spot delayed exactly what he NEEDED four years ago!
We are not powerful enough to force permanent change. Only your A's HP knows ALL... his heart, mind, spirit and what your A truly needs to happen to spark potential recovery.
So... pursue your own recovery! As you get better you increase his chances of getting better because you are learning to let him figure it out on his own.
And yes ... he could die. Or he could live. He has that choice! He has lots of choices and there is lots of help out there BESIDES you! His HP isn't dependent on YOU!
So... take off the handcuffs you put on yourself. You have the key in your pocket. Set yourself free from this responsibility and take the first step to the rest of your life. It can be great!
Mine is now! I just had to reach for the key in my pocket.... like the ruby slippers they could have taken me home anytime!
Alcoholic + Xanax = Recipe for Disaster.
There is a reason they put a label on the side informing the patient NOT to drink alcohol. Alcohol is the most abused drug in America and Xanax may be second... both act on the central nervous system in a similar fashion and combined create a euphoric effect. However, both drugs build up a tolerance in the user and when cross addicted is a nasty, nasty detox.
The drug combination can cause suicidal thoughts and in my own experience with my A who LOVED to combine alcohol and benzos a nasty personality change and blackouts.
There is a wealth of information on the internet on the dangers of alcohol and benzodiazepines and your husband should be researching and get very involved in his medical treatment to balance his meds in a responsible and sensible manner.
Personally, I am stunned that an MD would knowingly prescribe xanax to a known alcoholic and when the wife calls and tells him he is abusing and potentially suicidal threaten to drop him as a patient if you keep bothering him!
While this is simply crazy it is just a sign of the times and in times past I would have sent a certified letter to the doctor and made a record of his strange response to potentially dangerous situation and forced him to boot the A! Then I would have helicoptered my A to the doctor of choice and gotten the script cancelled and my A forced into detox and rehab and etc, etc, etc...
And what I can tell you is that there are millions of doctors out there that will fill the void and write the script and all our hovering and helicoptering does is annoy the A and drive us crazy!
Your A has to get involved in determining his plan for his health and work with whatever doctors he wants to entrust his health with. You can't do it for him and the best thing you can do is create boundaries for YOU...
In my case I developed alcohol and drug free boundaries which he violated and I acted... I seperated myself from the insanity and he had to figure it out on his own. He stumbled and picked himself up a couple of times and today he is sober. It is most likely temporary and he will most likely drink again.
Not my problem. Sounds harsh but it is the BEST thing we can do for them. Four years of giving him a soft landing spot delayed exactly what he NEEDED four years ago!
We are not powerful enough to force permanent change. Only your A's HP knows ALL... his heart, mind, spirit and what your A truly needs to happen to spark potential recovery.
So... pursue your own recovery! As you get better you increase his chances of getting better because you are learning to let him figure it out on his own.
And yes ... he could die. Or he could live. He has that choice! He has lots of choices and there is lots of help out there BESIDES you! His HP isn't dependent on YOU!
So... take off the handcuffs you put on yourself. You have the key in your pocket. Set yourself free from this responsibility and take the first step to the rest of your life. It can be great!
Mine is now! I just had to reach for the key in my pocket.... like the ruby slippers they could have taken me home anytime!
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Here's the article without all the typos, and with more comments:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Right there with Hopeworks on the alcohol and Xanax stuff. In addition, because they do not function exactly the same way in the brain receptors etc., the brain gets confusing signals from them so it struggles to respond "right" while compounding or multiplying the intoxicating effect of the alcohol. Bad detox as well as a hard early recovery (first year minimum).
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Right there with Hopeworks on the alcohol and Xanax stuff. In addition, because they do not function exactly the same way in the brain receptors etc., the brain gets confusing signals from them so it struggles to respond "right" while compounding or multiplying the intoxicating effect of the alcohol. Bad detox as well as a hard early recovery (first year minimum).
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