fluffyflea

I was thinking on the way home from the meeting tonight about a couple of times when the S.O has said to me that I'm more invested than he is. Well first of all that's not nice to say, secondly whether it's on a conscious level or not the partner that feels the other one is more invested than they are must feel more in control???? More secure???? comfortable????

inpieces314

Personally, I don't think he would know anything about what or how you feel, they are your emotions to feel.

Maybe he just has a guilty conscience.

fluffyflea

No he doesn,t know how or what I feel.

Thumper

He is giving you information. Take it for what it is.

LifeRecovery

I felt more invested in my relationship, and took it as a complement.

It is only now that I am realizing for my "investment" what did I get in return? Trust me if it was money I would have not invested it the same way.

Most of my relationships have involved a bigger chunk of me then of another. It is only now decades later that I realize the only person short-changed in this is me. I don't get my needs met, I don't even know what my needs are, and if I am doing for someone else what they can do for themselves I long-term may cause them harm...never mind me.

Self-care does not equal self-harm. I was harming myself with my prior investments and now am realizing how much energy and work providing self-care to myself can be....and I get a better return on that investment.

LifeRecovery

I meant to say self-care does not equal selfish. I should not be typing this late.

fluffyflea

Well anyways I was thinking yesterday that a little uninvesting on my part is a good idea for a couple of reasons, one being my self-esteem level it would be better for my self-esteem to not be the one so invested all the time. i don't know there is a lot going through my head these days, I'm going through a lot of changes.

Someone like me with low-self-esteem, not a strong sense of self is putty in the hands of manipulative men I'm afraid.

Hollyanne

Earthworm is doing some digging!
Keep it up.
You deserve to have peace and serenity.
It is one thing to mess up one's own life.
Why do people take others down with them?
"Let go, or be dragged".

dollydo

When I read what you posted I thought of myself...I had more invested in my ex's recovery than he did, he wasn't interested, just went through the motions.

Keep searching, the answers are there.

fluffyflea

I was just thinking how I am, how I'm so dependent on an e-mail or phone call from him when he is gone so I feel alright otherwise I'm obsessing and off balance.

So last night when I came back from the meeting and I hadn't heard anything from him all day I turned off my phone, had a hot bath and went to bed. Screw it, I;m done with that kind of dependency. It just makes no sense and it also gives him a lot of power over me.

Hopeworks

Thats a breakthrough and milestone moment!

Schedule a massage too! You earned it!

Florence

Woo hoo!

dollydo

"Screw it, I;m done with that kind of dependency."

GG128

[QUOTE=Earthworm;3616328]I was just thinking how I am, how I'm so dependent on an e-mail or phone call from him when he is gone so I feel alright otherwise I'm obsessing and off balance. QUOTE]

I wouldn't say I'm obsessive and off balance, but it bothers me when I don't get a text or something from him every day, just one 5 second text, ya know? It just shows me that he's thinking of me and is still alive. His phone is his life (he gets all of his work info via email and text from his boss, so he's on his phone all damn day), so when he has it in his hands literally a few hundred times a day and can't be bothered to set my mind at ease, it bothers me.

I don't have any advice, but good for you for taking charge!

fluffyflea

Well I don't know if it's taking charge but I just feel so MAD right now at the imbalance of it all and the oh I don't know. I'm just mad at something not clear what yet, probably me for sliding back into old patterns.

[QUOTE=GG128;3616481]

PaperDolls

At one point my ex was more invested than I was. I finally got sober and got serious about AA .... she was invested in MY recovery but not her own. The relationship did not last and I think that played a big role.

dandylion

Dear Earthworm, you speak of your "low self-esteem". Please be encouraged--because I consider the awareness that your self-esteem has been compromised is the FIRST STEP toward the development of strong self-esteem. People who have very poor self-esteem often don't even have enough self-awareness to realize this.

So maybe you have a ways to go---but you are on the marvelous journey into yourself.

CELEBRATION!

dandylion

fluffyflea

Thanks Dandylion

Learn2Live

Invest in yourself and your life.

fluffyflea

Well today because I didn't want him telling me he was going to take me to st.albans vermont for my nursing test,because I didn;t want the expectation and to be disapointed, I just want to do it on my own while he is not here. So I contacted the testing place and I got a date for next week the 18th and rearranged my days at work to go. So I can spend the next week studying for that and get it done and over with.

As long as I have all these issues and not dealing with them they will hold me hostage and perpetuate the low self-esteem.