rdlesstraveled

Soooo I had been doing really good for the past few months, (no contact with RAxbf). I had basically moved on with life..... until, out of nowhere, I receive a random text message from my ex-bf's sister inviting me to a surprise birthday party she was throwing for my ex..... ok.....wtf? I barely know this woman. "A" and I have been broken up for months and this woman has never called nor texted me in her life, and how did she even get my phone number???? (yeah, I know..... he gave it to her)

Her message said that she was throwing this surprise party for my ex (40th bday) because he was soooo depressed. She said she was inviting me because it would "make his day" yeah....right, I am sure that it would.

Ummmm. so my response was "not my problem" and then she replied "yeah I know" and then she said that she would leave me alone, but that she just wanted to at least "try"

Then I make the (stupid) mistake of getting sucked in with her..... back and forth we keep texting each other (about him). She states that he relapsed on cocaine (after we last broke up) but that he has been sober (but depressed) and that she wants to return some of the items I left at his place and needs my address and blah, blah, blah.

So this happened a few weeks ago...... but now I am finding that I am obsessively worrying about him (but have not called). I mean, what if he tries to kill himself or something??? I know this is not my fault. But he bought a gun from me a while ago (we live in VA, and it was a legal transaction) but now I keep having these obsessive thoughts that he will use that gun to "show me" or something.... And I am petrified that this will be my fault.

It feels like I am having like post traumatic stress or something???? All I know is that I cannot get this worry out of my mind...... He has never been suicidal and owns other guns, but I keep having these thoughts to "punish" myself. I keep thinking that I should become his friend again and ask to buy the gun back because that gun symbolizes a link between us and the obsessive worry keeps going around and around and around.....

This entire text exchange (between his sister and I) triggered these thoughts and I need to be OK again.

Learn2Live

1. Go back to full NC, which includes anyone and everyone associated with him.
2. You are not in control of him, you never were, and you are not responsible for anyone else's choices, behaviors, or outcomes.

Thank you for sharing about the gun. Because in the past couple of days I have realized that a big part of my Codependency is the continuous and constant feelings of responsibility I have for what OTHER people say and do, and don't say and don't do. When I see someone neglecting their children, I just do what they are supposed to do as the parent. When someone complains to me about a problem, I just do what needs to be done to fix it. I am like the Responsibility Robot. It's automatic, I don't stop to think about whether or not it's my responsibility. Really need to work on this. Maybe it means that I need to start pausing before I do anything and asking myself if it's my responsibility.

Forget about the gun, hon. It was a legal transaction. If you sold it to a stranger down the street and a year later he used it to rob a bank, do you owe the bank the money the person stole? I don't think so.

fluffyflea

Go back to NC, can you block her texts?

rdlesstraveled

Learn2Live,

Thank you. Your response to me was just what I needed to hear. I have always struggled with unnecessary guilt (since I was a child). So I people please and feel like I am responsible for every smile, every sadness or depression that OTHERS have.

Several years back......Another ex-boyfriend of mine got me into guns (I HATE them, I am a tree hugger for God's sake!!!) but because I "become" whomever I date...... somehow I ended up owning 2 guns. After he and I split, I didn't want to have anything to do with guns (because now I was back to being "me" again and the idea of owning one scared the $hit out of me). So, when I started dating "A" and he found out I had it, he wanted it (the other I sold to my father). Me, seeing a quick way to get rid of it, sold it to him (this was before I knew about the extent of his drinking). I tried to buy it back from him, but he wouldn't budge.

The gun transaction was legal, he is not a felon, he is allowed to own guns, but still I fear that if anything happens, it is my fault. How sick and twisted is that?

Well, back to Al-anon/ACOA meetings I go......... this is a forever journey..... I can't stop going to meetings thinking "I'm cured" just like the alcoholic isn't......

rdlesstraveled

Yes, she has been blocked as well. And thank you for responding. Gosh this family disease is tricky.

Titanic

If you were to try to buy the gun back, you would hand him a bigger weapon - power over you - wouldn't you?

Accept what you can't change (his having guns), and change what you can (eliminating your worries about something that may never happen).

Just for this hour, this day try to enjoy the present moments instead. Like the stunning colors of the Fall leaves.

P.S. Didn't the paths diverge in a yellow wood?

rdlesstraveled

Titanic, you rock. thank you.

Learn2Live

I know this is going to sound weird and all but I truly believe that your thoughts control your reality. And that remaining in fear can cause you to do things that can actually make your fears come true. Do your best to lose your fear. The fear will only make you physically sick and cannot control him.

rdlesstraveled

Actually, that does not sound weird at all. Ironically I believe the same and that belief only intensifies the fear. So I need to just take this fear by the reigns and throw it away..... I have to do this. Your message is like a sign to me that I REALLY need to do this. Like a gentle nudge from my higher power...... thank you for reminding me of this.....

OK, as of this very moment.... I will release this fear into the cosmos...... I control nothing (except myself) and this fear has been banished from my castle (AKA my cranium). I have put up a "no trespassing" sign because "it" is no longer welcome in my world.

"A" is gone and anything he does at this point is his life. I release myself from his world. This is the most loving thing I can do for him, but most importantly, this is the most loving thing I can do for myself. I can not: change, alter, tweek, update, transform and/or create anyone's life except my own........

And I approve this message

Titanic

You have my vote!