427

Umph. That didn't go too good.... Had my birthday a few weeks ago and had a friend visit who I had started to get strong feelings for. The birthday went well (the day I picked him up from the airport), but I was told several days later that he "came out here planning to fall in love but it didn't happen." Oh...okay...thanks (so it's supposed to happen in a week or two?!!!). Anyway, had 2 weeks of sobriety and 1 year of not smoking cigarettes, and well... I got back into both, damn it. Not proud of that at all, and didn't even want to post on here. But here I am. Even went to AA meetings w/ him and they all said I wasn't alcoholic but a "normie." Yeah, okay. Whatever.

So there it is. Now I'm Really beating myself up. I'm more ticked off at myself for smoking again that I am for drinking, even!!!

Bottom line is I don't like ... pain. So what do I do? Create my own! Yeah! At least THAT way I'LL have the control, right? (Anyone catching the logic here...???!! I kinda think there may be a FEW who are shaking their heads -- in every direction!!).

Please, be gentle in your responses, if any. I have to go through pumping myself back up to tackle this sh#t again. I at least got an AA schedule (wish there was an AVRT or even general support group here in town, but...). I need support right now, and this town is so freakin small that I don't want everyone knowing my business right now.

I'm really glad this site is here 'cuz I need you guys/gals -- or somebody.... Feeling pretty low in the esteem department these days....

MythOfSisyphus

Keep your chin up! Quitting won't solve all your problems but it will solve the one that will kill you! Do you best and lots of other things will fall into line.

IndaMiricale

Alright you got a AA schedule not wear it out...

Most of us have been there so many times.. Dust yourself off , and get busy on recovery...

Threshold

I'm nodding my head.

Relationships, or lack thereof have been one of my biggest triggers.

Still, it's hard to get anything from a support group if you don't want people to know your "business", it sort of comes with the territory. It's nice that this online forum gives us that extra layer of anonymity, because a lot of us feel like you do. But it's not the same as face to face real time support, and that makes THE difference for many recovering alcoholics.

Drinking/drugging over relationships never fixed them for me, and when I came to, the issues were still there. I don't deal well with reality and when I find out that something I hoped would be THE answer, doesn't work. I come crashing down in an ugly way. The emotional jumping jacks are killing me.

I've had people say to me "he isn't worth drinking over"...but HE is not what I'm drinking over (or was in the past, I'm sober now). I was drinking over ME, and MY own fears and frustration and anger.

My relationship with myself is probably my most challenging.

I think we keep repeating the cycle until we say "that's it, I'm not doing it again, period"

I'm not talking about the feelings, but the reaction. Changing our behavior, over time we find out we like the results better, and our feelings begin to follow.

I know it looks like I'm responding to your post, but I'll be honest, I am talking to myself and saying what I need to hear.

Have you ever sat in a train, and the train next to you starts moving and it feels like your going backwards? Or vice versa?

I wonder sometimes if I seem as mercurial and pointless to my partners as their behavior often seems to me. Maybe it's perspective? I need a solid reference point.

Natom

Relationships are also one of my biggest triggers. I am staying away from them completely for the time being. When I feel that I am strong enough to start dating then I will but for the time being I'm happy single. I find it amazing that an AA group would say you are not an alcoholic. We can't judge whether anyone is an addict or an alcoholic. We may be thinking it in the back of our minds but I never vocalise this because it is simply not my place to say. Only you know whether you are an alcoholic or not. And the only requirement for AA membership is the desire to stop drinking. You don't wanna drink so you're more than qualified to be there.

Dee74

welcome back 427

I can identify with being comfortable with pain...it's not so much that we manufacture it, but I think subconsciously we expect it, and it can become a self fufilling prophecy.

I think we can lose sight of our capabilities and limits too. I certainly tried a few advanced life moves and highly ambitious plans while I was drinking and ended up flat on my face.

and...my addiction liked chaos and upheaval...many more opportunities to drink that way....

I hope you will follow through with some kind of a plan. It's important to get moving, I think

D

hypochondriac

The AVRT stuff you don't need a meeting for and you can always use SR as your support group

I get the whole pain thing too. It is stupid logic. Not sure how to overcome that one yet. My only tack there is to try mindfulness meditation. I find my urge to create pain for myself usually starts with some kind of projection into the future or worrying over past events so staying in the moment helps.

Glad you're here 427 x

MycoolFitz

I think I've given up on relationships of a love/sexual nature. I seem to always get in trouble. Ofcourse my biggest relationship was always with the bottle. I think I need to love myself.

Sapling

Hey 427....They give you a lot of suggestions in AA....Why do they do that?....Because they know what works and doesn't work. One of them is not starting any new relationships for the first year.....I think that's a good one. You have to work on yourself before bringing someone else into your recovery....Whether they are in AA or not. As far as people knowing your business....Those people that know will be in AA just like you....Wanting and doing the same thing you want......Use them for support.....Not as an obstacle. I'll give you my suggestions that worked for me so far....15 months without a drink and happy. Read the book....Get a sponsor and do what's in the book....The steps....Go to meetings and try and help another suffering alcoholic when you can....It works if you work it.

Elisabeth888

It happens. I have relapsed more times than I can count. The important thing is to get back on the horse and don't keep drinking. That is the dangerous part for me. I go on benders.

Don't beat yourself up!

Wolfram

Welcome back. You will not feel reject here. We all go through the same.

Welcome back.

NewHouse2012

You are doing the best you can. Happy that you went to meeting and got schedule. Keep trying to go to those meetings. You can gain momentum and overcome this. I know it's hard but try some deep breaths and affirmations. I'm sorry you are feeling so low. We are here for you!

freshstart57

Tons of AVRT support right here, 427. Start a thread, see what happens! There are more folks than you might imagine that would be happy to share their experience, strength and hope with you.

tomsteve

427, i live in a smallish town. it takes a lot of square miles to make up the 2300 poeple on the census, and even then i think they counted some cows in there. i used to feel rather afraid of goin to AA as i didnt want the whole town to know.
welp, wouldnt ya know it,my bubble got burst when i realized i really wasnt that known, those that did know me already knew i had a drinking problem and were quite glad i finally was doin something about it.
please dont let what others may think stop ya from goin to a meeting. you just may find there are people in recovery you didnt even know had a problem with alcohol.

Veritas1

It helped me to get a notebook and my big book and write out pages 86-88. Consider all words and prayers in these pages.

I take time upon awakening every day to read these words, seek God, pray, consider the 24 hours ahead.

I pray for willingness to seek sobriety. I pray for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry it out.

I said the third step prayer today also.

I read other meditations, and I talked to my sponsor from AA this morning who talked to me about character building.

We are in the valley of character building, and we get to change.

One day at a time.

427

Thanks everybody. Good advice and good vibes

artsoul

Once you get a few days of sobriety behind you, you'll feel a lot better about things. I think any of us would have found it hard to deal with relationship issues at 2 weeks sober, so don't be too hard on yourself.

I agree with Fitz on needing to love ourselves. So many times I turned to drinking because I felt overwhelmed (emotionally, mentally, financially, whatever). It wasn't until I got sober that I realized how fear-based and negative my self-talk was, and that I was going to have to change that if I wanted to stay sober.

I feel like I'm getting off on a tangent here, but just wanted to encourage you to be compassionate and patient towards yourself right now and give yourself lots of love.

427

Hey Artsoul, thank you so much. I can do that with everyone else (compassion, etc.) but I'll be damned if I can with myself..., yanno? You certainly were NOT on a tangent - you sound like someone I'd love to listen to, 'cuz you're exuding that ... Realness and Compassion. Made me feel good. Thank you.

And thanks for not judging. It's a complex relationship I thought was there, and my attitude (after feeling hurt) was "f-it." Doesn't make sense 'cuz he wasn't respecting me, really, so why feel this way? DOES have a lot to do w/ my self-respect, so again, thank you. (I go on tangents, too, lol!)

instant

"f*** it" was one of my favourite 'reasons' to drink. I found it could be used in all manner of situations. Very versatile indeed.

Alcohol never solved any of my problems- just gave me more stuff to worry and stress about.

Glad you are back, You have got great advice. The tribe has spoken you are welcome back.

427

Hah! "The tribe has spoken" - love it!

I'm gettin closer, folks. It's just so freakin hard (wahh, waaahhh!). Then today got news re events surrounding my brother's death and it floored me. Didn't Totally say "f-it," but did have a few drinks w/ a friend. Ugh. Gonna try to make an effort tomorrow to get my stubborn-a bootay into a meeting, dang it.

Well, at least I'm "talking" on here, right? THAT was a step!

Thanks again, everybody. I'm a hard case at times....