txfan77

I had broken up with and gone no contact with my alcoholic ex-boyfriend almost two years ago. I have learned a lot about co-dependency and the reasons why I felt it was my place to help him. Of course it was NEVER my place to help him.

He called me up a couple of weeks ago and was sober. He said he wanted to apologize to me and would I please call him back. I called him back and we talked on the phone for a couple of hours. Turns out he had dated a new woman, got engaged and then broke up when his fiance insisted he quit drinking. He was and is not willing to stop. I told him very honestly about all I had learned and about how destructive our relationship had been to my life. It was probably the best talk we had ever had.

He asked if we could be friends again. I told him possibly, but there would never be dating, sex or anything like that between us, and I meant it. So we have started talking again. We have met for dinner a couple of times and had a great time talking. He really is a witty and intelligent guy. But the drinking negates ALL of it. I have no desire to date him again. But he really needs a friend. So I have taken pity on him and been talking to him on the phone frequently.

The problem is - he is still having his bouts of blackout drinking. During that time he tries to call me again and again, but I block his number on my phone the moment I get that first call. And I'm fine with that - I even told him I refused to have a conversation with him while he was drinking.

But now I find myself troubled. Am I being stupid? He just called me and is having terrible depression and started drinking again tonight. He asked if I could come over because he just wants to talk and needs to feel cared about. I refused his request. I told him many people care about him and I'm praying for him and that's it. Now I am sitting here worrying about him. I have no fear that I will go over there and I already blocked his phone calls. But the WORRYING about him is what bothers me. I know there is nothing I can do for him but I feel SO SO sad for him.

Any comments would be appreciated. I have gotten awesome and honest feedback from these forums in the past when I was getting out of the relationship with him. Thanks.

suki44883

The reason we go no contact is to keep us from worrying about them. Even if you aren't dating, that contact lets you know what is going on with them and, as is human nature, you tend to worry about people you care about.

If you can handle it, fine...but, the fact that you are posting about it and are bothered by that pretty much tells you that you are healthier when you have no contact with him. He'll survive and if he needs to be cared about, then he should find an AA meeting. They care and they can help him where you cannot.

Lynnrae2

Be careful. Think about what your life has been like for the last two years without him. Do not get sucked back in.

The worrying is what would pull me back everytime.

GettingBy

Sounds to me like you are sliding down the slippery slope of codependency again. It's so hard to try and maintain a relationship with an alcoholic... They don't have relationships - they take prisoners.

If he really feels lonely and desperately needs someone to listen - next time give him the number to AA.

Maylie

As stated above, I would look at what the last two years have been like and decide if you are willing to risk getting pulled back in again.

Also, seeing that he has still not dedicated himself to sobriety, it seems like the rollercoaster will continue. Although you have decided to only be his friend, our emotions don't notice that distinction sometimes. He might be a good friend sober, but what happens when the drinking increases and the black outs become more often then not? Are you willing to have to deal with that again? Is the friendship worth the constant worrying and having to block calls and feel out the situation to see if it will be a night where he is drinking or not? Lastly, I just want to point out what a selfish disease this is, he might say he understands what your boudaries are, but as his drinking progesses, so will his attempts to get you to feel bad for him & to comfort him. As he goes downhill he will try to pull you in and say things like "I need to know i'm loved/cared for/etc." in order to get attention/help/bring out the enabler in us all.

As always, whatever you choose to do we will all be behind you Just remember to put yourself first and as soon as you feel it is getting to be too much, please do yourself the favor and end the friendship. We must always protect ourselves.

hugs

Maylie

Learn2Live

Drunks who want to stay drunk are soul-suckers. Why on earth would you want that in your life again. Chaos and drama is all I've ever gotten from them. I'm with Suki; next time he calls inviting you to his pity party, give him the number to AA and go back to NC. Honestly, I've learned that even just trying to be their friend (or their family, as was the case with my brother) just reinforces their belief that they are perfectly fine and allows them to continue in their delusions; just another way of enabling but this time enabling them in their sick thinking. If you have any love for him in your heart, quit feeling sorry for him, pull the plug and let him realize the consequences of his behavior.

Titanic

Set the drinking aside. He called you, sounding sober I imagine, after he was dumped by his fiance. He wanted you to console him or be a FWB (which you blocked) or both. I'd venture to say that pretty quickly he turned the meat of the conversations to his pain and his issues. Your life and situation were sidelined.

Self-centeredness and selfishness and the "I, myself & me" still rule HIS world - when it comes right down to the meat of it. And the alcoholism that has been fueled by all that is now the reason to feel bad (again) and do stuff for him (again)?

Send him a nice Get Well card and be done with the hot spud. That's just my thought.

ZiggyB

I would tell him if he decides to stop drinking he should give you a call.

I got sucked back in exactly with my ex this way.... he was depressed, he was miserable and his life was going nowhere. I can tell you this dude thinks he can weasel his way back into your life.
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If he really needs a friend - be a friend and tell him to sober up or you don't want to be around him.

txfan77

Thanks so much for all your responses. Some times I just need to hear it from someone else, even though I already knew inside what was right for me. Thanks again - you guys rock.