Do you drink around your sober alcoholic spouse?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Do you drink around your sober alcoholic spouse?
Until recently I was sober for 3 years. Part of my trying to be a "normal", moderately drinking person is that my husband got tired of avoiding alcohol with me and for the last year has been regularly drinking when we go out for dinner and at other social events. We don't keep alcohol in the house and he resents it. I wasn't sure about this but then we had a blowout last night and he made clear some feelings that he'd been hiding. Most people drink, we evolved alongside alcohol, he doesn't have a problem, he likes beer and that's ok, quit judging him, etc. I don't know. Clearly we have a lot of stuff to work out. Neither of us are happy with the status quo. For my part, I feel confirmed in a sense that I have of being a complete freak and all in all, alone. One thing that kept me sober was wanting to be a good, healthy partner and that sure isn't working out. The recent drinking wasn't out of control but wasn't fun for me. I just feel bad about it. Like, 3 years sober down the drain, and who knows where it will go from here.
I know this subforum is very specifically for friends and family of alcoholics to support each other so I apologize in advance if this is an inappropriate post. I just don't know anyone who has a sober spouse and drinks, and how that works in their family.
I know this subforum is very specifically for friends and family of alcoholics to support each other so I apologize in advance if this is an inappropriate post. I just don't know anyone who has a sober spouse and drinks, and how that works in their family.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
I posted this question here and got some very interesting responses - you might want to check this out!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-dont-you.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-dont-you.html
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 42
My wife has an occasional glass of wine and we keep wine and some beer in the house which has not been an issue. It makes me feel better that she can still enjoy a glass of wine as I am the one with the issue. I am at 18 months and my feeling is if I really want something to drink I can go less than 60 seconds and be at one of several stores and get anything I want. Not sure if this approach is for everyone but it has worked for us
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
My AH does not mind if I drink. He was sober 7 years when we met. He was very clear that while he didn't mind if I had a drink he would not tolerate being drunk.
I seldom drink now, I used to go out with co workers after work but that was serious drinking so - that ended. Can't say I miss it.
Never kept alcohol in my home. Have had it here as gifts here and there never worried about it except once. A client gave me a bottle of vodka and he asked me to move somewhere that he couldn't see it. I threw it away.
He will drink a non-alcoholic beer. Maybe 3 times since we have lived together 2 years we have "drank" together him with a NA beer and me with wine or whatever.
Now that I suspect a relapse and he is struggling with it I will not be drinking in front of him. He is weak right now and I feel that if I ordered a drink he would follow suit.
IF he had asked me to give up drinking when he moved in I would have. Its just not that important to me. Everyone has to do what they are comfortable with, but alcohol is everywhere at some point in sobriety you have to get used to it being around.
For me if I feel like having a couple - I travel enough and he travels enough that I can have a nice (safe no driving) girls night every once in a while.
I seldom drink now, I used to go out with co workers after work but that was serious drinking so - that ended. Can't say I miss it.
Never kept alcohol in my home. Have had it here as gifts here and there never worried about it except once. A client gave me a bottle of vodka and he asked me to move somewhere that he couldn't see it. I threw it away.
He will drink a non-alcoholic beer. Maybe 3 times since we have lived together 2 years we have "drank" together him with a NA beer and me with wine or whatever.
Now that I suspect a relapse and he is struggling with it I will not be drinking in front of him. He is weak right now and I feel that if I ordered a drink he would follow suit.
IF he had asked me to give up drinking when he moved in I would have. Its just not that important to me. Everyone has to do what they are comfortable with, but alcohol is everywhere at some point in sobriety you have to get used to it being around.
For me if I feel like having a couple - I travel enough and he travels enough that I can have a nice (safe no driving) girls night every once in a while.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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I myself have been sober for 17 days.
I had a 3 week drinking binge myself, so I had to quit.
He has 5 days. In the past, I would drink, but I would let him know ahead of time, so I would leave, or he would leave, or whatever, and it wouldn't be around him. I don't keep it in the house, I purposely only buy a couple of shots and drink them before he sees them.
This time, I will stay sober. I am not anywhere near being an alcoholic, but I have an anger problem, and alcohol fuels that fire every time. I never drink when I am in a good mood, only when I am in a bad mood, which gets worse. I have a feeling that we are both going to struggle with not drinking when he gets out of rehab. Which is good. I will be happy to go to meetings with him. An AA meeting never killed anyone.
I had a 3 week drinking binge myself, so I had to quit.
He has 5 days. In the past, I would drink, but I would let him know ahead of time, so I would leave, or he would leave, or whatever, and it wouldn't be around him. I don't keep it in the house, I purposely only buy a couple of shots and drink them before he sees them.
This time, I will stay sober. I am not anywhere near being an alcoholic, but I have an anger problem, and alcohol fuels that fire every time. I never drink when I am in a good mood, only when I am in a bad mood, which gets worse. I have a feeling that we are both going to struggle with not drinking when he gets out of rehab. Which is good. I will be happy to go to meetings with him. An AA meeting never killed anyone.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
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The Al-Anon pamphlet "Alcoholism: The Family Disease" says that this is an individual choice to be made with respect to each couple/family. Same for keeping alcohol in the house, serving alcohol in the house to others, and drinking alcohol when out together. Great pamphlet all-around on a variety of issues, slogans and FAQs.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
When my RA ex H went into rehab, I quit drinking to support him.
It is a decision that I stand by, while occassionally I still regret it.
We are now separated. He has been sober 2 yrs, separated for 7 months.
Now, since I quit when he did, and we are not together, he has a minor obssession over where I go and what I do.
i have started to enjoy a cocktail here and there, but I look over my shoulder. I fear being "caught" by one of his friends.
What started out as a show of support on my part turned into a manipulation technique for him. He lays on the guilt.
If I have a free night without our son, you can be sure exH is calling, at times has definitely seen my car in front of an establishment, called to ask what I am doing, if I drink.
There is an unspoken log term threat that if I use alcohol, that would threaten his sobriety.
Why does that matter to me? Our son. I want our son to have his sober dad, who now sees him regularly, blows him off less.
It is one last major codie problem for me.
Its my choice, but I feel watched and monitored.
And it is hard to relax and have a good time knnowing how hard he struggled with a substance that does not addict me.
It is a decision that I stand by, while occassionally I still regret it.
We are now separated. He has been sober 2 yrs, separated for 7 months.
Now, since I quit when he did, and we are not together, he has a minor obssession over where I go and what I do.
i have started to enjoy a cocktail here and there, but I look over my shoulder. I fear being "caught" by one of his friends.
What started out as a show of support on my part turned into a manipulation technique for him. He lays on the guilt.
If I have a free night without our son, you can be sure exH is calling, at times has definitely seen my car in front of an establishment, called to ask what I am doing, if I drink.
There is an unspoken log term threat that if I use alcohol, that would threaten his sobriety.
Why does that matter to me? Our son. I want our son to have his sober dad, who now sees him regularly, blows him off less.
It is one last major codie problem for me.
Its my choice, but I feel watched and monitored.
And it is hard to relax and have a good time knnowing how hard he struggled with a substance that does not addict me.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
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I made a decision to not drink when my 22 yo RAS went into treatment- so, its been at least six months since I've had any alcohol. And, we've made the decision not to have any alcohol in the house when he comes home. Not hard for me since I rarely drink- makes me tired and hate that hungover feeling that I get after even one drink. My DH enjoyed having a beer or two (NEVER more) after work- but it was his decision not to have it in the house or drink around our son.
Part of my reasoning was I've come to despise alcohol and its destructiveness, but I also wanted to get a sense for what my son was going through. I've already been in a couple of situations where it was a little hard not to have a glass of wine to fit in with the crowd. And, I don't even like drinking.
Alcohol is everywhere in our society and I know how hard it is going to be for a young man to not drink for the rest of his life.
Part of my reasoning was I've come to despise alcohol and its destructiveness, but I also wanted to get a sense for what my son was going through. I've already been in a couple of situations where it was a little hard not to have a glass of wine to fit in with the crowd. And, I don't even like drinking.
Alcohol is everywhere in our society and I know how hard it is going to be for a young man to not drink for the rest of his life.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
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When I was involved with an RA years ago, I took my cues from him. He said he didn't care, that he even kept a small bottle of champagne in his fridge at all times, so that he could go look at it when he was tempted and ask himself if he wanted to let something that ridiculous rule his life. So when we went out, I'd have a glass of wine on occasion; he never did.
His attitude was that the responsibility for his drinking or not drinking was squarely on his shoulders, and if he expected his girlfriend to somehow "help" him stay sober by not drinking, he was already one step closer to relapsing. He would say, "I'm not gonna stop eating ice cream because you have dairy allergies -- why would I expect you to give up alcohol just because I can't handle it?"
His attitude was that the responsibility for his drinking or not drinking was squarely on his shoulders, and if he expected his girlfriend to somehow "help" him stay sober by not drinking, he was already one step closer to relapsing. He would say, "I'm not gonna stop eating ice cream because you have dairy allergies -- why would I expect you to give up alcohol just because I can't handle it?"
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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The first time my ABF quit, before we were even together, I had a 5th of bacardi in the fridge. I asked him if he wanted me to move it, and he said no, he wanted the temptation there to remind him. So it does seem to be something they do.
Eventually I drank it. That was the last time liquor has been in my house for more than a couple of days. I used to hide it, and be honest and tell him it was somewhere in the house, but he wouldn't go looking for it. He would just wait for me to get pissed off and drunk and then drink it.
The last time I drank in my house (which was like, June) I apparently passed out holding the bottle, and when I woke up, he was mad. He said I said I wouldn't let him touch my bottle and every time he tried to sneak it from me I would wake him up and cuss him out.
True story. But I enjoy drinking, and I always buy the good stuff. It's bad enough watching him kill a 2.00 pint of popov, but imagine when it's a 10.00 bottle of absolut. And I paid for it so I could drink it.
It's easier to just not drink. And I have my own issues that arise when I drink anyway, so I am better off staying away from the liquor, regardless of whether he is going to drink or not.
Eventually I drank it. That was the last time liquor has been in my house for more than a couple of days. I used to hide it, and be honest and tell him it was somewhere in the house, but he wouldn't go looking for it. He would just wait for me to get pissed off and drunk and then drink it.
The last time I drank in my house (which was like, June) I apparently passed out holding the bottle, and when I woke up, he was mad. He said I said I wouldn't let him touch my bottle and every time he tried to sneak it from me I would wake him up and cuss him out.
True story. But I enjoy drinking, and I always buy the good stuff. It's bad enough watching him kill a 2.00 pint of popov, but imagine when it's a 10.00 bottle of absolut. And I paid for it so I could drink it.
It's easier to just not drink. And I have my own issues that arise when I drink anyway, so I am better off staying away from the liquor, regardless of whether he is going to drink or not.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Posts: 63
Originally Posted by Buffalo66 
i have started to enjoy a cocktail here and there, but I look over my shoulder. I fear being "caught" by one of his friends.
What started out as a show of support on my part turned into a manipulation technique for him. He lays on the guilt.
If I have a free night without our son, you can be sure exH is calling, at times has definitely seen my car in front of an establishment, called to ask what I am doing, if I drink.
There is an unspoken log term threat that if I use alcohol, that would threaten his sobriety.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 1
Normie drinks with friends
My husband is a recovered alcoholic/addict and sober again now for 3 months (this was his third road to sobriety in the past 10 years). I am the "normie." We have been married 2 1/2 years and together 3 1/2. When we met, he had relapsed without my knowledge that he was an alcoholic (he informed me the day the moving van was pulling away from my apartment and I was moving 2000 miles away to live with him).
I basically gave up drinking all together for him and on occasion would have wine with friends (never in front of him) and we've never kept alcohol in the house. The times when I would drink and come home, he would always make an issue of it. So I just stopped drinking all together even when out with friends.
Last year I went to visit friends for a week by myself. I did have a few drinks and during the trip, he made accusations about me drinking and was hard on our relationship. I denied having anything to drink to avoid another argument or admit that I was lying.
Since this time, my husband relapsed, gone to treatment and I have started attending Al Anon meetings twice a week. I am trying hard to work the steps and take care of myself.
The reason for his post, is that this past weekend, I traveled again to see these same friends. This time there wasn't questioning about my drinking until the very last night of my trip. I was sharing with him what we had done the night before and felt like being 100% transparent with him, not lying about what we had done, and that I did have a drink and that we had gone to some stupid inappropriate bar. Well, that completely backfired! I haven't had a drink in almost a year and felt that I did nothing wrong or immoral. I am a Christian and have strong morals that maintain integrity. I am also a compassionate and forgiving person and try not to judge others.
I never judged my husband during his relapses or for any of the inappropriate behavior during his relapse.
I feel that I am now "in trouble" and being judged because I drank with my friends away from him and made an unhealthy decision by going to this bar.
I want him to be okay with my annual drink or that I can have a glass of wine with friends away from him. I don't know if that will ever be the case.
Any advice or experiences that can be shared would be greatly appreciated. Having a hard time with this right now.
I basically gave up drinking all together for him and on occasion would have wine with friends (never in front of him) and we've never kept alcohol in the house. The times when I would drink and come home, he would always make an issue of it. So I just stopped drinking all together even when out with friends.
Last year I went to visit friends for a week by myself. I did have a few drinks and during the trip, he made accusations about me drinking and was hard on our relationship. I denied having anything to drink to avoid another argument or admit that I was lying.
Since this time, my husband relapsed, gone to treatment and I have started attending Al Anon meetings twice a week. I am trying hard to work the steps and take care of myself.
The reason for his post, is that this past weekend, I traveled again to see these same friends. This time there wasn't questioning about my drinking until the very last night of my trip. I was sharing with him what we had done the night before and felt like being 100% transparent with him, not lying about what we had done, and that I did have a drink and that we had gone to some stupid inappropriate bar. Well, that completely backfired! I haven't had a drink in almost a year and felt that I did nothing wrong or immoral. I am a Christian and have strong morals that maintain integrity. I am also a compassionate and forgiving person and try not to judge others.
I never judged my husband during his relapses or for any of the inappropriate behavior during his relapse.
I feel that I am now "in trouble" and being judged because I drank with my friends away from him and made an unhealthy decision by going to this bar.
I want him to be okay with my annual drink or that I can have a glass of wine with friends away from him. I don't know if that will ever be the case.
Any advice or experiences that can be shared would be greatly appreciated. Having a hard time with this right now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
I don't drink around my BF, who is in recovery. I don't mind at all, as I don't really like or want to drink much anymore. If your sobriety is contingent on whether he drinks this could be a problem for you. If you don't want to drink, don't. Whether you drink or not is not going to change what your husband does in the state he's in right now. His resentment and anger about not drinking is NOT your problem or your fault.
It can be really difficult to navigate relationships when addiction and sobriety are involved. Take care of yourself and do what's best for you. I wish you the best of luck.
P.S. Your three years of a sobriety have not gone "down the drain". You should be proud of your accomplishment and keep at it if you really want to be sober!
It can be really difficult to navigate relationships when addiction and sobriety are involved. Take care of yourself and do what's best for you. I wish you the best of luck.
P.S. Your three years of a sobriety have not gone "down the drain". You should be proud of your accomplishment and keep at it if you really want to be sober!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 380
Originally Posted by Buffalo66
What started out as a show of support on my part turned into a manipulation technique for him.
....
There is an unspoken log term threat that if I use alcohol, that would threaten his sobriety.
....
There is an unspoken log term threat that if I use alcohol, that would threaten his sobriety.
I too quit in support of his sobriety. I honestly have given it 100% to see if it would truly make a difference. My attitude was - if he was really going to be sober and make a lifetime commitment and actually took the tools of AA and applied them 100% I was willing to forgo alcohol (not really a big deal for me, primarily a relaxant in the evenings). I have had plenty of opportunity where he would have no idea if I did or didn't but I gave my word and meant it. To me there is so much life to live and if you live it in the fog of any substance you miss so much.
Him on the other hand - may not have had anything to drink, but the whole life change/new attitude - what I call "actually living life" - well, not so much. Really sad actually. It was my final hope for this marriage. Finally realizing it (and me) just are not as important to him or his desires (or daemons).
That and he has exchanged one addiction for another.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Originally Posted by latovict2010
My husband is a recovered alcoholic/addict and sober again now for 3 months (this was his third road to sobriety in the past 10 years). I am the "normie." We have been married 2 1/2 years and together 3 1/2. When we met, he had relapsed without my knowledge that he was an alcoholic (he informed me the day the moving van was pulling away from my apartment and I was moving 2000 miles away to live with him).
I basically gave up drinking all together for him and on occasion would have wine with friends (never in front of him) and we've never kept alcohol in the house. The times when I would drink and come home, he would always make an issue of it. So I just stopped drinking all together even when out with friends.
Last year I went to visit friends for a week by myself. I did have a few drinks and during the trip, he made accusations about me drinking and was hard on our relationship. I denied having anything to drink to avoid another argument or admit that I was lying.
Since this time, my husband relapsed, gone to treatment and I have started attending Al Anon meetings twice a week. I am trying hard to work the steps and take care of myself.
The reason for his post, is that this past weekend, I traveled again to see these same friends. This time there wasn't questioning about my drinking until the very last night of my trip. I was sharing with him what we had done the night before and felt like being 100% transparent with him, not lying about what we had done, and that I did have a drink and that we had gone to some stupid inappropriate bar. Well, that completely backfired! I haven't had a drink in almost a year and felt that I did nothing wrong or immoral. I am a Christian and have strong morals that maintain integrity. I am also a compassionate and forgiving person and try not to judge others.
I never judged my husband during his relapses or for any of the inappropriate behavior during his relapse.
I feel that I am now "in trouble" and being judged because I drank with my friends away from him and made an unhealthy decision by going to this bar.
I want him to be okay with my annual drink or that I can have a glass of wine with friends away from him. I don't know if that will ever be the case.
Any advice or experiences that can be shared would be greatly appreciated. Having a hard time with this right now.
I basically gave up drinking all together for him and on occasion would have wine with friends (never in front of him) and we've never kept alcohol in the house. The times when I would drink and come home, he would always make an issue of it. So I just stopped drinking all together even when out with friends.
Last year I went to visit friends for a week by myself. I did have a few drinks and during the trip, he made accusations about me drinking and was hard on our relationship. I denied having anything to drink to avoid another argument or admit that I was lying.
Since this time, my husband relapsed, gone to treatment and I have started attending Al Anon meetings twice a week. I am trying hard to work the steps and take care of myself.
The reason for his post, is that this past weekend, I traveled again to see these same friends. This time there wasn't questioning about my drinking until the very last night of my trip. I was sharing with him what we had done the night before and felt like being 100% transparent with him, not lying about what we had done, and that I did have a drink and that we had gone to some stupid inappropriate bar. Well, that completely backfired! I haven't had a drink in almost a year and felt that I did nothing wrong or immoral. I am a Christian and have strong morals that maintain integrity. I am also a compassionate and forgiving person and try not to judge others.
I never judged my husband during his relapses or for any of the inappropriate behavior during his relapse.
I feel that I am now "in trouble" and being judged because I drank with my friends away from him and made an unhealthy decision by going to this bar.
I want him to be okay with my annual drink or that I can have a glass of wine with friends away from him. I don't know if that will ever be the case.
Any advice or experiences that can be shared would be greatly appreciated. Having a hard time with this right now.
Hang in there!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
old thread -- that's ok
Originally Posted by NotTooSmart
I know this subforum is very specifically for friends and family of alcoholics to support each other so I apologize in advance if this is an inappropriate post. I just don't know anyone who has a sober spouse and drinks, and how that works in their family.
I'm the recovered drunk in the home
my wife drinks 1/2 glass to 1 glass of wine a day
it bothers me in no way
if I wanted to drink believe me I would find it
my question to myself would be
what if my wife was a sloppy drinking drunk
that would be hard to deal with
although my Sponsors wife drinks pretty darn heavy
and yet it seems to not bother him or his sobriety
for me being the recovered drunk that I'm
I really don't care if everybody else in the world - but me - drinks booze
all that is important to me is that I don't give in to the liquid devil
Mountainman
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
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This is an interesting thread! I am divorcing my AH. He is still drinking; however, he quit several times during our marriage. I drink so rarely that it really was a non-issue. During those times that he was abstaining, I just didn't drink.... because I wasn't drinking anyway?
But, I also recognize my own tendency towards alcoholism. In certain circumstances, I could not make myself stop drinking once I started. And, the only time that I drank with any regularity, it escalated very quickly (drinking excessively and frequently.) I had no problem not drinking, it was when I started that I couldn't stop. So, I guess I could relate to my STBXAH on some level and had no problem just giving it up. Now, I drink rarely (1-2 drinks a handful of times/year.) I have no problem stopping after 2 drinks now, even in a party situation.
It is true that alcohol is a prevalent part of our culture. However, I am of the mind that if I love someone and really want the relationship to work, then not having it in the home should not be an issue for me. Having a drink or two while out at dinner or a party is one thing. Keeping it in the home is another. That's my take.
But, I also recognize my own tendency towards alcoholism. In certain circumstances, I could not make myself stop drinking once I started. And, the only time that I drank with any regularity, it escalated very quickly (drinking excessively and frequently.) I had no problem not drinking, it was when I started that I couldn't stop. So, I guess I could relate to my STBXAH on some level and had no problem just giving it up. Now, I drink rarely (1-2 drinks a handful of times/year.) I have no problem stopping after 2 drinks now, even in a party situation.
It is true that alcohol is a prevalent part of our culture. However, I am of the mind that if I love someone and really want the relationship to work, then not having it in the home should not be an issue for me. Having a drink or two while out at dinner or a party is one thing. Keeping it in the home is another. That's my take.
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