AntoinetteP

My biggest A is my brother, who chose to go off the deep end when our mom died two and a half year ago. He was already an alcoholic, but he became an absolutely delusional and paranoid ranting alcoholic after she died. I haven't spoken to him in two years, after he threatened to shoot me in the head.

We used to be so close, talking to each other almost every other day. He lived a couple hours away and would come over almost every weekend to get out of the city, to my country home. I miss him terribly but am way too aware of the three Cs. I did a lot of work on myself and am just, well, waiting.

In the meanwhile, he finally sold his city place and moved a lot closer. Knowing he's over here is nice but it would be nicer if he would contact me. I get it, whatever. I've reached out to him a few times but get no response, so I've been playing Little Bo Peep for however long it takes him to come back.

But I'm afraid he's not going to make it back. A few weeks ago, all this is (second hand news I get through my nephew and or father). He woke up swollen, etc., went to the hospital and they drained all sorts of green liquid from his liver (maybe?). The doctor told him if he didn't quit drinking he was going to die, his kidneys are failing too and his feet and legs have been numb forever.

He's told my various news sources everything from 'he's quit. he's done' to 'he's cut down a lot'. I know how impossible that is for him and whatever resolve he has, will go away. I'm told he's really lonely. I know he has few friends over here and you can bet he won't go to AA meetings, not yet anyway.

What I'm looking for is some sort of information about how long can his body take this? He's 59, high blood pressure, bad kidney function, probably cirrhosis and who knows what else. I'd suspect diabetes, but if they found it he didn't tell my sources.

I don't want the next time I see him to be in a coffin, but I'm afraid that's what it's going to be. How close is he to end-stage, if anyone knows. I've also been told he's pretty wet-brained, which is no surprise but I've not heard it officially. I would so love to help him, but he's sure I'm out to ruin him (as I said, he's very delusional and paranoid lately) so I won't show my face because, well, I don't want to get shot in the head.

Titanic

I'm so sorry for you & your ailing brother. I wish I could give you the help you seek but I'm not able to. I hope you find peace and healing in your recovery program.

DesertEyes

Hello AntoinetteP, and pleased to "meet" you

Goodness, I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you. To watch somebody you love self-destruct in such a horrible way is just a nightmare.

Pardon me if I am too bold. Can I ask what you would do if his doctors were able to somehow predict they day he will die? The reason I ask is because I had the same question about my ex-wife. She had a terrible disease and then became addicted to pain pills. I was terrified that she would die and, just like you wrote, I wanted more information. I wanted to know everything I could possibly find about her condition, her medications, the chemicals and how they interacted with each other, and on and on.

Basically, I was terrified of losing the woman I loved and I used those questions as a way of avoiding reality. For me it was a type of denial.

The usual suggestion is that the best way to help an alcoholic who is that close to death is to help yourself _first_. Find out what recovery homes are in your area, what their admission requiremens are. Get a list of AA meetings and have a copy ready to hand to him, so _he_ can call them for help. I don't recall if you mentioned that you attend al-anon, CODA, celebrate recovery, or some other support group. If you do I would suggest you get in touch with the good people there and surround yourself with those who will be supportive of _you_.

I know that condition quite well. I could not stop either. My mind just kept going in circles over all the bad things that could happen and I just could not stop it. My sponsor suggested that I not even try to stop it. Instead, he told me, give it something else to obsess on.

For me that was getting more involved in service, picking up a new sponsee, spending time focusing on reducing _my_ stress by going for walks in the neighborhood, going to more meetings. I got very, very busy simply as a way to distract me, to have other "stuff" to think about instead of the constant negativity.

I will keep your brother, and you, in my prayers.

Mike

AntoinetteP

Yah, that was a silly question since every body, and I mean that in a physical, each and every human body, is different. Since I don't know his doctors or anything else really, it's alll guess work.

I was really struggling when he first flipped his lid. I went to Al-Anon a few times (I live in a remote area and the only local meeting is also the only night I perform weekly at a local club in and Improv Group). I worked really hard on myself, emotionally and physicallly, losing forty pounds in the process and getting used to having no contact with my closest family member. I miss him so, but I miss the brother he used to be.

Thanks for the feedback I guess. It's a depressing topic but that's because I know this story and it's all in his hands, not mine. I've known several A's who have been given the same 'if you don't quit, you'll die' speech and they only stick with it for a couple of weeks, add to that my brother's lifetime habit of not being able too follow through on anything major and I know how it goes.

I'm rambling here, forgive me.

DesertEyes

Congratulations

Is there any other form of support you can find for yourself? Celebrate recovery? A church group? A therapist?

I understand. That's the way it was with my ex-wife. Knowing all that intellectualy did not help me emotionally, I had to find people that I could talk to.

No worries Ramble all you want, that is what SR is for

Mike

AntoinetteP

I've been in therapy longer than most, well, brother and I did have the same parents so the same rather grisly childhood. I went the therapeutic route, brother went the alcohol route, so yes, I have a great support system in my husband, therapist and other close friends in the area who know the situation well.

Thanks to all.

Hopeworks

Hi Antoinette,

We have much in common. I also had a traumatic childhood and my brother is an A who has had times of complete meltdown from alcohol and drug abuse. I have also battled a pattern of falling for addictive men and being codependent with both my brother and my SO's.

My father was very dangerous and threatened to kill us all the time and under the right set of circumstances I have no doubt that he might have done it. I fully understand how it feels to love someone who has lost all reason and is now a danger to you.

I wish I could tell you that there were some solution but sadly even locking him down in a cell for the rest of his life will make him hate you more and put you in danger if he we to be released... and they are always released.

The only other thing I can suggest that has given me a lot of peace and acceptance is completing the 12 steps with a sponsor. When we can truly let go of someone and trust that their HP is in control and available to our loved one it sets us free. In your case you have mentioned that relatives keep you informed of his actions and that alone lets you know that there are others that he could turn to if he truly wanted help.

Wishing you peace in your journey... keep coming back. We care and understand what you are going through.

redatlanta

I can give you some advice but every situation is different.

My AH got pancreatitis and alcoholic hepatitis. Continued drinking. Total shut down of the body - ICU coma 31 days. Again the same thing a couple months later when he picked up again. Chronic Pancreatitis and Diabetes now. Got sober finally. This was 9 years ago.

He was told he had a life expectancy of a couple of years in 2002 even after he stopped drinking. He has outlived predictions and while he still has issues with the pancreatitis (pain management and flare ups) overall he is relatively healthy. Diet and exercise have gone a long way for him - OH and not drinking.

Had he not stopped drinking I have no doubt that he would be dead now. He probably would have lasted weeks to maybe a couple months. When the organs start shutting down they ALL start shutting down - its seldom the alcohol that gets them (as in overdose) rather heart attack, stroke, and the like.

I am not sure how to advise here regarding codepency and enabling so take from this what you will. In my experience with Jeff over the past 2 years alcoholics/addicts are not treated the same way by the medical community as those who are not. Jeff had forewarned me about this before he moved here. Since 90% of all pancreatitis is caused by alcoholism most Doctors assume that when he has a flare up its because he has been drinking. Reasonable I suppose but not the case (at least so far). I remember very early when he was not as well as he is now he was flaring every 2 - 3 months. We went to the "best" hospital here in Atlanta. They put him on a stretcher in the hallway even though rooms were available. They left him (us) there for hours, they would walk by and when we asked for assistance or a dr. were brushed off with "we will be right with you". While standing next to the nurses station waiting to use the restroom I overheard a nurse refer to him as "the drunk", needless to say a screaming mimi commenced and everything was taken care of. We are insured by the way - so that wasn't an issue.

I have heard Dr's say to him "you did this to yourself", I have seen firsthand on a number of occasions treatment be it verbal or medical that was substandard. I have experienced both he and myself treated rudely. He is positive that he was diabetic for years before it was diagnosed - since he has been here and we have found an incredible medical community we have found he has been misdiagnosed on several things (for many years). Was taking several medications that cancelled each other out. Was taking medications that aren't supposed to be given to people with pancreatitis.

Now that I have written this I don't know how to direct you. Is it ok to step in when it comes to medical issues with the alcoholic? Would he let you? How far does moral responsibility go? You can't make him stop, he has been warned many times, but it is a disease therefore any patient for whatever reason deserves to be treated well. Is it codependant and enabling to help in this area? I don't know but I am sure someone does. I do know I wouldn't risk getting shot in the head.

I am not in the medical field and Jeff's experience may not be your brother's experience or situation but it sounds like he is very, very ill and may not be getting treated for all his issues outside of alcoholism.

AntoinetteP

This morning, all I can think of is getting in the car and driving up there to see if he'll see me. If he really is not drinking, maybe he wouldn't go all paranoid on me. If he is back to drinking, well, who knows.

My heart says 'go, you don't have to even drive into the driveway, just drive by and see if he's there.' My head says 'bad idea'. I just don't know, I can usually get my heart to follow my head in these emotional conundrums, but what the heck.

Email is out of the question because he closed all email accounts. I could call, but he doesn't answer the phone often even when he was not so bad. I'm so upset about it and I know I can hold off until tomorrow when I see my own shrink and he can give me some feedback.

On the other hand, I'm anxious there too because he's going out of town for a few weeks after tomorrow and we have no new appointments set up yet (I just got back into regular sessions about a month ago, so we don't have a set time yet).

I miss him so much, I just want to let him know I'm still here, if he wants to reach out. I have no idea what to do but sit here and bide my time.

Normally I would go work off the stress by either biking or doing some heavy yard work outside, but the fires in the northwest have made the air quality hazardous (opaque even) so that is not really an option this time around.

Titanic

Can have a Thinking of You card delivered to his porch with a fruit basket or something like that?

AntoinetteP

Unfortunately, he has a PO Box and there's no telling if he's at the easy to get to property or his primitive cabin in the middle of nowhere, thirteen miles away. I sent him a hand written letter several months ago and never heard boo. I don't know. Maybe just another handwritten note, we used to write to each other a lot before I moved back to the PNW 20 years ago.

redatlanta

Might your father or other family members help you two reunite?

AntoinetteP

My dad, my nephew and my dad's SO have all spoken to him and he just re-iterates that I'm trying to ruin him, at this point how, I'm not sure. The first time he accused me of lying to him, and still insists I was lying to him to this day, I was reading an email over the phone to him, an email we each had in our inboxes but he never looked at his email. He accused me of lying about what I was reading and that is just whack, as he had the exact same piece of mail in his box and could have read it along with me if he really wanted to. My husband was watching/listening to the call (not on an extension, but he could see that I was reading off the screen) and he couldn't believe that my brother accused me of lying.

When the subject of his sister comes up, he grumbles and changes the subject.

redatlanta

He sounds quite paranoid. I am very sorry, clearly you love him very much. I am not sure just showing up would be a good idea. I doubt he would be receptive and since he is not in his right mind I worry about your safety.

Prayers, sometimes it answers all.

AntoinetteP

Paranoid indeed. I kept telling him, in that and a few future conversations, that he could open his email and confirm what I was telling him, but he just screamed that I was lying to him, wouldn't make the tiniest step towards reading his own email to see that I wasn't.

It got worse after that and it was so hard to detach. I feel physically detached, as he's the one who went NC. But emotionally I've gotten a increasingly worked up about it since I heard about all this green liquid being drained and all the other stuff. Also, if he truly has quit drinking, he's got to be in emotional agony but maybe not so nuts. There was a brief period in the past couple of years that he was lucid - his dog had pups and he had to stay with it for six weeks at least because of the 12 puppies, but once they were placed he went back to the bottom of the barrel.

I will most likely just dump all this angst on my shrink tomorrow, but tonight I'm frantic about it and my husband went to bed so I'm on my own for the evening. I miss him so, he was so huge in my life before. I'd like him to at least be in my life a little, and not a distant worry.

Titanic

Tonight, you have a choice.

You may stay Frantic, worried and miserable. Option F.

Or, you may Change your Attitude to one of recollecting or writing down all of the good things about your brother from the time you first remember him in your life on. No matter what happens, such a list is good to have. You may find some other way to change your attitude - perhaps prayer, reading, meditation, 4-7-8 breathing, etc.

Or, you may do that and/or also Accept that what is IS. Tonight there is nothing you can do for or to change your brother or his status with you. Second Down is over. Accept it. You're in the huddle and waiting on the play call for Third Down. Don't let chagrin over Second Down interfere with the work to be done for Third Down.

Anything else is some more of the spinning around the hamster wheel that you've been doing ... lovingly, and commendably so. Don't choose Option F please.

I hope you find serenity and sleep tonight.