Newbie here, at my wit's end

Old 10-07-2012, 12:48 PM
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Newbie here, at my wit's end

I am new to this forum but not new to the life with a alcoholic .
We have been married 20+ years and as I sit here right now and look back, I can't remember too many times that alcohol has ruined events in our lives.
I have done the same thing that others have done, as in telling him to stop or I am leaving. He knows by now that is just empty threats.
His family have a history of alcoholism and he says I'm not an alcoholic, I just like to drink a few beers.
The biggest problem is one beer becomes 3 then 6 then 12, he never knows when to stop.
He has gone to work a few times smelling of alcohol and has almost totaled our vehicle on one of his binges. He is not a mean drunk, just a stupid one. I can smell him a mile away, as I don't drink and he will deny it until the next day. The next day s of course, I'm sorry, it won't happen again, I am stressed at work and all the standard excuses I am sure everyone here has heard.
He most recently started with the going to a football game and not coming home. He has a few times just disappeared and not answer his phone and then come back a day or so later with the me excuses.
He has a few medical conditions that make it where he should not be drinking but he is invincible or so he thinks.
I know that I have enabled him for many years and that is my fault, but I am at a point in my life where I just want to be happy. I don't want to be at work and constantly wonder what I am going to come too.
Both of my parents are deceased and my 2 oldest children are grown and have families of their own. They are tired of me calling and crying upset about his actions, so I keep a lot to myself. I am strong willed and have carried this weight around for years
Most recently, my youngest daughter was arrested for possession with intent to distribute marijuana and heroin, so we at waiting for her court date now. She is now 18 and I am ready to have both of them gone. Is that terrible as parent to want your child out of your house?
I have a great job that I love and I think that is what keeps me sane most days.

As I read through here, I see many have some of the same experiences that I have or am having. Where do you get the strength to finally say enough is enough?
Just sitting here writing has made me feel a little better, because there is no talking to him.
One more thing that may seem trivial but it bothers the heck out of me. He plays on Facebook all day and has even taken to getting phone numbers of people he doesn't even know and sits and texts them all day. He even does the same wih people , mostly women that he meets with his job. I feel like this is very disrespectful to me and he will even do it when he is home at night with me. I didn't know if I am just blowing it out of proportion but it does bother me.
I took the alanon test and I answered YES to 16 ? I am just at my wits end and some days don't even feel like I have a husband anymore as his wife is the alcohol.




"
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Old 10-07-2012, 01:21 PM
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"As I read through here, I see many have some of the same experiences that I have or am having. Where do you get the strength to finally say enough is enough?"

When the pain of staying outweighs the good aspects of a relationship you will have reached your bottom and will leave. Until then, nothing will change.

Setting bounderies that you do not keep serves no purpose, it only gives the addict all the power.

Your daughter had a 50% chance of inheriting the gene that predisposes them to addiction or hooking up with one, unfortunately, she went down the addiction path. She is young, with a
strong recovery program she has a chance, lets hope that she embraces recovery for life.

You have a choice, you do not have to stay with him...ask yourself why you do, there must be some payoff, what is it?

Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this and all the Family & Friends Forums also
read Codependent No More, both should be of help to you.

I am sorry that you are unhappy, however, no one can change that...except you.
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Old 10-07-2012, 04:10 PM
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With my exA it was something very small that finally allowed me to let go. After 4 years of mental abuse, neglect, womanizing, lying etc. (which should make you walk away). It was a picture that he put on his fridge of another woman's daughter.

I knew about this other woman. He was back and forth from me and her for the last year. He would be at my house and texting her and yet I stayed.

But, recently, He moved into a new house. New house maybe new beginning. When I saw he put the pic on the fridge. I got in my car and left. Have not seen or talked to him since.
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Old 10-07-2012, 08:33 PM
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Their spouse is the alcohol. We are just the maids.

Check out a thread in this forum called In Sickness and in Health where the very topic you ask about is discussed.

Please get to an Al-Anon meeting then. You're almost overqualified!!
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Old 10-07-2012, 10:33 PM
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Welcome Release,

glad you are here, but so sorry to hear what you have been living.

Only you can decide when/if you've had enough. Personally, his vanishing for a day or two would be a dealbreaker for me, regardless of the alcoholism. Married men who love and respect their wives do not just vanish for a couple of days. I would be left to wonder what else he is doing,...... drugs? women? Addicts are LIARS. You may never learn the truth. I found being honest and truthful with myself, was all I really needed. Denial is no place (for me) to have to live.

Only you can add value to your life, presently he is an addict, and he is doing exactly what addicts do.

Please know you are not alone. Hope you continue to post and take the time to read the stickies at the top of the forum. Alot of powerful information, right at your fingertips.
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Old 10-08-2012, 07:14 AM
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Old 10-09-2012, 10:53 AM
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Welcome to the forum; I can relate on several levels. AW and I have been married 30 years, the last 5 of which have been overshadowed by her drinking. I can't tell you where the strength to say "enough" comes from, because I'm still looking, myself.

Like you, I'm amazed at some of the stories I read here, and it gives me hope that I'll eventually see my way clear. Until then, there's support for you here and other places.

By the way, I scored 14 on the test.

Best of luck to you.
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Old 10-09-2012, 11:03 AM
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For me, enough was enough in two stages: the first was after my therapist told me that she thought my being involved with XABF (who was at the time not X) was just holding me back from meeting someone who could be a real partner to me. I got pretty angry at her, telling her that she wasn't allowed to make judgments like that. But even then, I suspected my anger really came from a place of knowing she was right but needing to continue to deny it.

Stage 2 was instantaneous. After several nights of falling asleep drunk on the couch, one night around 1:30 am, he came crashing into my bedroom, screaming obscenities at me at the top of his lungs. My first coherent thought was that my therapist was right, and my second was that she was right to say it to me. He was out of my condo and out my life within the week.

So I guess I am saying that first I had to stop denying that my life was the way it was, and stop all the magical thinking that there was something I could do to turn him around. That took months. It wouldn't surprise me if it took other people years -- nor would it surprise me if it took other people days. My therapist's words put my focus back on me and what I wanted -- and then I really just needed to get out of my own way. Once I got there, recognizing the moment when 'enough was enough' was super-easy.

Just my experience. Take what you like and leave the rest, as they say. I hope you come back often and keep us posted on how you are doing.
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Old 10-09-2012, 01:38 PM
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How are things Release1992?
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Old 10-09-2012, 08:54 PM
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I want to first thank everyone for sharing and letting me into your lives and for me to see I am not alone in this.
I was sick as a dog last week with the flu, so I think it gave me time to think in between sleeping.
I know that nothing I do or say will make him change. All the love in the world hasn't helped so far.
I have researched meetings here for me to go to and I plan on going starting this weekend as I am playing catch up at work this week.
I was thinking today of the when the last real conversation that we had that didn't involve fighting or empty threats has been a long long time ago. We are more like 2ships that pass in the night. We only have small talk and I look at him and think what the heck I am doing? We have almost nothing in common except the children.
He did go to 1 AA meeting but hasn't been to any more. I want to hope he does but in my heart, I know he most likely won't.
My daughter has her court date tomorrow and I have stepped back and told him to take her as I had job responsibilities. I figure they are both addicts so they belong together. I hope I don't sound harsh towards my daughter but the battle with her has been for the last 4 years too. Between the 2 of them, I have decided I am not going to let them kill me. I have many reasons to move on. New grand baby, another one on the way and many things I still want to do in my career.
I have a stressful job but it's a rewarding type of stress if that makes any sense. I am a nurse and work in a large hospital based head and neck oncology clinic. I deal with people's lives everyday. I look at them and they are wishing they were not sick, they didn't have a choice in getting cancer. I then come home and look at these 2 and think wow, they do have a choice, but they don't care.
I will let y'all know how court goes and how my first meeting goes after. I did also join a gym and have been once, but plan on going at least 2 x a week.
It's time to take care of me. I know it will not be easy and I will stumble but I think I can do it. Reading success stories here is very encouraging.
God, I am glad I found y'all.
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