My husband uses and I enable I need help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Alpharetta ga
Posts: 2
My husband uses and I enable I need help
I have been married to my husband for 10 years, and he is a really great man he just has a huge problem Cocaine. I must be honest 5 years ago I did try it with him a few times, but my life and my kids meant way more to me than the high and the mess afterwards so I stopped he didn't. I have just ignored his use covered for him with our daughters when he was to tired to get out of bed and even went as far as covering and making it easy for him after he stayed up for 2 days before our daughter's 1st Communion and our entire family was there. That was June 2nd it was also the last time he saw his father because sadly his father had a heart attack and died 3 days later. He swore to me that was it he was done and he stayed true to his word until Thursday night when he came home high and brought that junk home, and I did what I always do turned a blind eye in disgust until this morning when he got a call his dealer/friend was just busted and I sat around all day waiting for the police to come and arrest him. Luckily they didn't and now I don't know how to end this cycle for both of us. I have enabled this behavior for so long he even thanked me for being "an incredible wife so understanding". Can anyone give me a bit of guidance? I know I am part of the problem but how do I get him help? Me help?
If never receive a bit of advice I thank each of you who took a moment to read my story. I don't feel like I being judged so thank you.
God Bless-
If never receive a bit of advice I thank each of you who took a moment to read my story. I don't feel like I being judged so thank you.
God Bless-
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
Hi justscared 
I have no experience to share but I wanted to welcome you and let you know you'll find a lot of support and encouragement here - there's an incredible collective wisdom to draw upon here
I'm glad you've found us
D
I have no experience to share but I wanted to welcome you and let you know you'll find a lot of support and encouragement here - there's an incredible collective wisdom to draw upon here
I'm glad you've found us
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Over here.
Posts: 369
Hello, Justscared... I have some experience with living with an addict--opiates--and I've heard the same thing about what a supportive and understanding girlfriend I could be. That, of course, was when I was doing the same things you say you're doing--covering for him, trying to ignore the facts, supporting him when he said he needed to "do something" about it even though he has still not taken action, etc. And now, since I'm not doing those things and I've basically said if he doesn't get help things will never work between us, I'm mostly a total b***h, according to him. However, I feel like if I was to continue the enabling role, it would continue to destroy my self-respect, which is barely there, and would continue allowing him to destroy himself, which I don't want him to do since I do care about him and love him.
We're not married and we don't have children, which makes things easier on my end, so I can't offer much advice when it comes to that, but there are plenty of women on SR who will be able to provide a better voice on that topic. If your daughter is just making her 1st communion, she must be really young. I do know kids pick up on things you would never imagine they would. And having coke in the house with the possibility of police coming and arresting your husband is not the greatest thing for her to be exposed to. I can't say anything else on the subject of children because, like I said, I don't have any myself and feel I have no business giving advice on that.
The bottom line, speaking from my very limited experience (I'm just coming out of the FOG...and sometimes still buried) is that as long as your husband doesn't have to suffer the consequences of his actions, he will continue to use. Maybe you could put some boundaries in place for yourself...for example, you won't lie for him anymore if he goes on a binge and ends up unable to get out of bed.
One thing I've learned and am still trying to get through my own head is that I choose what I do with my situation. I can choose to stay with my ex despite his issues and decide that kind of life is okay for me. OR, I can also choose to get away from that and live a more healthy life for myself.
I would suggest reading all the stickies and immersing yourself in other people's posts. It's helped me more than I can tell you just to know I'm not the only one feeling the way I do...not to mention all the other ways I feel I've benefited from SR. I wish you the best and I hope you keep posting and reading.
We're not married and we don't have children, which makes things easier on my end, so I can't offer much advice when it comes to that, but there are plenty of women on SR who will be able to provide a better voice on that topic. If your daughter is just making her 1st communion, she must be really young. I do know kids pick up on things you would never imagine they would. And having coke in the house with the possibility of police coming and arresting your husband is not the greatest thing for her to be exposed to. I can't say anything else on the subject of children because, like I said, I don't have any myself and feel I have no business giving advice on that.
The bottom line, speaking from my very limited experience (I'm just coming out of the FOG...and sometimes still buried) is that as long as your husband doesn't have to suffer the consequences of his actions, he will continue to use. Maybe you could put some boundaries in place for yourself...for example, you won't lie for him anymore if he goes on a binge and ends up unable to get out of bed.
One thing I've learned and am still trying to get through my own head is that I choose what I do with my situation. I can choose to stay with my ex despite his issues and decide that kind of life is okay for me. OR, I can also choose to get away from that and live a more healthy life for myself.
I would suggest reading all the stickies and immersing yourself in other people's posts. It's helped me more than I can tell you just to know I'm not the only one feeling the way I do...not to mention all the other ways I feel I've benefited from SR. I wish you the best and I hope you keep posting and reading.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Lancaster, PA
Posts: 3
My husband has been addicted to crack cocaine for 20+ years. He has been in and out of rehab 6 times (getting out again this week) over the years. I have done everything you have done and more. I feel your pain, believe me. My only advice to you would be what the others here have said, stop enabling him. It is just prolonging the agony for you and your children. If I could go back 20 years with the knowledge I have now, I would have left. If I could have foreseen how bad this would get and how low he would go, I would have left. One of 2 things would have happened, he would have put his family before the drugs and stopped, or he would be more than likely dead. I believe my staying has definitely contributed to him staying in it as long as he has. I was always rescuing him, covering for him, making excuses. Even if he never stopped, at least I would not have gone through what I have, and my children would not have been brought up in the chaos they have. I have lived a nightmare the last 20 years. Most of the counselors, etc., that I have gone through over the years told me it would get much worse before if got better, if ever, and that is exactly what happened. Stand up for yourself and your kids now, not 10 or 20 years from now. Love and prayers for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Welcome to SR, and I am sorry for your fear and the addiction which is in your marriage and your home.
Cocaine addiction is not a physical dependence, as alcohol and heroin are, but a psychological obsession which compels the addict to seek out the drug again and again. You have seen what it does to a man. You may not realize what it has done to you.
For help for yourself, you can begin recovery at Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Al-Anon is for loved ones of alcoholics and addicts. Nar-Anon is for loved ones of drug addicts specifically.You can find meetings of Al-Anon in your area at Georgia Al-Anon/Alateen Home Page. And you can find meetings of Nar-Anon in the Atlanta area at index.
These are one-hour meetings which are based on the same 12-Step program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and are designed for loved ones of alcoholics or drug addicts who need recovery from the effects the addict has had on them. The meetings and the free materials at the meetings will not tell you how to get your husband clean. The reason is that you can't. You cannot get him clean. What you can do is learn how to change your thinking and your behaviors which have enabled him to continue using. When you stop enabling, you will give your husband a much better opportunity to hit bottom and seek recovery. What you are doing now is not increasing that chance at all. The status quo is keeping you emotionally ill as his addiction damages your marriage and your family.
So you can begin recovery by going to meetings. Your thinking is distorted by living with addiction. This is inevitable. And you have to get outside help. Alone, we are lost. Addiction is too powerful. We all have to seek help.
If your husband reaches a day of extreme crisis and is desperate to get help--which does not sound imminent in spite of his current troubles--when that day comes he can start going to Cocaine Anonymous. The meetings in your area can be found at www.georgiaca.com.
It is pain which gets addicts clean. Your husband has managed to structure his life-- and to enlist your help in the structuring--to support his addiction. He goes on his binges and when he's done, he picks up right where he left off. He has had very little motivation to get clean because the drug life is still working pretty smoothly with his family and professional life.
It's got to stop.
So I hope you will start going to meetings to learn how to help that happen.
Please post anytime. Many here have been where you are today.
Cocaine addiction is not a physical dependence, as alcohol and heroin are, but a psychological obsession which compels the addict to seek out the drug again and again. You have seen what it does to a man. You may not realize what it has done to you.
For help for yourself, you can begin recovery at Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Al-Anon is for loved ones of alcoholics and addicts. Nar-Anon is for loved ones of drug addicts specifically.You can find meetings of Al-Anon in your area at Georgia Al-Anon/Alateen Home Page. And you can find meetings of Nar-Anon in the Atlanta area at index.
These are one-hour meetings which are based on the same 12-Step program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and are designed for loved ones of alcoholics or drug addicts who need recovery from the effects the addict has had on them. The meetings and the free materials at the meetings will not tell you how to get your husband clean. The reason is that you can't. You cannot get him clean. What you can do is learn how to change your thinking and your behaviors which have enabled him to continue using. When you stop enabling, you will give your husband a much better opportunity to hit bottom and seek recovery. What you are doing now is not increasing that chance at all. The status quo is keeping you emotionally ill as his addiction damages your marriage and your family.
So you can begin recovery by going to meetings. Your thinking is distorted by living with addiction. This is inevitable. And you have to get outside help. Alone, we are lost. Addiction is too powerful. We all have to seek help.
If your husband reaches a day of extreme crisis and is desperate to get help--which does not sound imminent in spite of his current troubles--when that day comes he can start going to Cocaine Anonymous. The meetings in your area can be found at www.georgiaca.com.
It is pain which gets addicts clean. Your husband has managed to structure his life-- and to enlist your help in the structuring--to support his addiction. He goes on his binges and when he's done, he picks up right where he left off. He has had very little motivation to get clean because the drug life is still working pretty smoothly with his family and professional life.
It's got to stop.
So I hope you will start going to meetings to learn how to help that happen.
Please post anytime. Many here have been where you are today.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 398
Welcome to SR.
So, if your daughter just made her First Communion (btw, Congratulations to her!!!), you all must be Catholic. I was Catholic before I married my AH. I'm guessing that you take your marriage vows very seriously. My vows are what made me hang on to my marriage for so long. How could I leave my husband during his time of sickness?
I've come to realize that God does not intend for me (or you) to live the type of life we live with an addict. And, in fact separating from the addict spouse will aid in his recovery. We can step out of the way and allow God to work on the addict. Staying with the addict will and is hindering his recovery.
Please consider your children. If your house is searched and the police find cocaine, not only would they arrest your husband, but it is very likely that they would arrest you too. If your children are home, there could also be child endangerment charges against both of you as well. Same scenerio for the two of you in a vehicle together.
The best way to help yourself, your husband, and your children is to begin to understand codependency, addiction, and setting healthy boundaries. You can start by continuing to read and post on here; by attending Al Anon meetings, and by reading Codependent No More and Boundaries. They both offer workbooks as well.
You and your family are in my prayers.
So, if your daughter just made her First Communion (btw, Congratulations to her!!!), you all must be Catholic. I was Catholic before I married my AH. I'm guessing that you take your marriage vows very seriously. My vows are what made me hang on to my marriage for so long. How could I leave my husband during his time of sickness?
I've come to realize that God does not intend for me (or you) to live the type of life we live with an addict. And, in fact separating from the addict spouse will aid in his recovery. We can step out of the way and allow God to work on the addict. Staying with the addict will and is hindering his recovery.
Please consider your children. If your house is searched and the police find cocaine, not only would they arrest your husband, but it is very likely that they would arrest you too. If your children are home, there could also be child endangerment charges against both of you as well. Same scenerio for the two of you in a vehicle together.
The best way to help yourself, your husband, and your children is to begin to understand codependency, addiction, and setting healthy boundaries. You can start by continuing to read and post on here; by attending Al Anon meetings, and by reading Codependent No More and Boundaries. They both offer workbooks as well.
You and your family are in my prayers.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Your children must be your priorty, no child should be raised in a home where addiction is present. Children hear and see everything, and will carry their childhood into adulthood. You need to be the responsible role model for your child.
If drugs are found in your home or if CPS is called due to drug activity in the home, CPS can/will step in and remove the children from the home. The United States Department of Health & Services considers a child who is being raised in a home where addiction is present to be abused.
There is nothing you can do to help him, he is an adult, it is all up to him, if he wants recovery there a re many good programs available, the Salvation Army has agood one and it is free.
As for you, get to Naraon meetings, read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie, read the stickeys at the top of this page and cynical one (s) blogs which can also be gotten to at the top of this page.
You need to understand the true ramifications of living with a drug addict and the negative effect it will have on your child.
I am sorry that you are dealing with this, however, there is away out, knowledge is power.
If drugs are found in your home or if CPS is called due to drug activity in the home, CPS can/will step in and remove the children from the home. The United States Department of Health & Services considers a child who is being raised in a home where addiction is present to be abused.
There is nothing you can do to help him, he is an adult, it is all up to him, if he wants recovery there a re many good programs available, the Salvation Army has agood one and it is free.
As for you, get to Naraon meetings, read Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie, read the stickeys at the top of this page and cynical one (s) blogs which can also be gotten to at the top of this page.
You need to understand the true ramifications of living with a drug addict and the negative effect it will have on your child.
I am sorry that you are dealing with this, however, there is away out, knowledge is power.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Alpharetta ga
Posts: 2
Thank you everyone! I attended 4 Nar Anon meetings this week, and moved my daughters and I out of the house. I can't fix me if I am covering and helping my AH. My health and my little girls safety are the most important.
He needs to fix what is broken in him before we can even fix what is broken with us. When I told him that I also told him its his choice, and my life and our daughters lives will go on weather he continues to use or goes to rehab because that is HiS issue not ours.
Thank you for helping me take that first hard step I am so happy I did though. While I know it will be hard I feel like a weight has been lifted from me and I can begin to heal.
He needs to fix what is broken in him before we can even fix what is broken with us. When I told him that I also told him its his choice, and my life and our daughters lives will go on weather he continues to use or goes to rehab because that is HiS issue not ours.
Thank you for helping me take that first hard step I am so happy I did though. While I know it will be hard I feel like a weight has been lifted from me and I can begin to heal.
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