Intro - two kids in trouble
Not John
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Wentzvile
Posts: 21
Intro - two kids in trouble
Hi all, I am really hoping for some support and good advice here.
Two years ago my daughter, who had just finished her first year of college, met a nice kid with two jobs at a friend's party.
Within a few months, she realized he was an addict. It has been all downhill since then and I am trying to figure out how to detach from the situation, from him and from her.
Seven months ago, after a bad bout of using, he came to live with us. We told him had had to get a job, stay away from drugs, and attend meetings. A couple of months later, we suspected he had relapsed after noticing some very bizarre behavior and kicked him out. We let him have one more chance but made him sign a contract to attend two meetings per week and not hang out with anyone who used drugs. Previously we had just hoped he'd do what we suggested and that didn't work at all.
He got a job and generally fulfilled the contract. However, again we noticed he seemed depressed and to be getting more withdrawn. I was concerned that he just wasn't going to do well being so isolated at our house. He basically just went to work and then sat around doing nothing when he wasn't working.
I confronted him with my concerns (I suspected he had relapsed but didn't bring that up) and offered to send him to a 28 day inpatient rehab. That was three weeks ago. After a seemingly good start, he started taking suboxone and it all went downhill (not trying to get into a debate about that, it just doesn't seem to be a good thing for him). My daughter went to the family group last week and he was nodding off and generally appeared high. She was very concerned about him. I tried to be detached, just urging her to let the place handle him. When the finally confronted him that he appeared to be high, he flipped out and started yelling at the staff and punching things.They took him to the ER and they sent him back to rehab. Same thing happened the next day. He actually also flipped out at the ER and had to be restrained but after he calmed down they released him to his Father. Rehab had kicked him out at that point. Apparently he had gotten extra suboxone from someone and was not honest about it.
So, now he's living near by at his Dad's house. He is on Valium (for his tourette's), suboxone and an anti depressant and has no medical management. I offered to get him assessed at another place that has in and out patient rehab and he's not interested. He asked me to help him get an appt with a counselor and I did. He saw him once and has another appt for this week. In the meantime, he seems very out of sorts and I am sure it's the meds.
My daughter still lives here at home. She is totally and completely entwined in this situation. I finally got her to start seeing a counselor, but other than that, she is enabling him big time. After a ridiculously stressful week with his erratic behavior, with her worrying in the mornings when he didn't answer that he was dead, etc. etc. etc., they go out to dinner with his Mother (who has not been involved with him at all lately) and come back here like everything is fine.
I need to detach from both of them, I can see that. But with her living here, I am not sure what to do with all of the constant drama about him. I just say what, I don't want to talk about him? I will only help him get into rehab or counseling but otherwise nothing? I literally don't even know what to do. She's not going to break up with him - barring some miraculous event - at this time. So, it's like she's an addict too, just addicted to a person and a situation vs. a drug.
I feel I have erred in enabling this whole thing for so long. I wonder if offering him the chance for rehab was a stupid thing to do and maybe I should've just thrown him out. (Once he was in rehab he admitted he had relapsed, which we pretty much knew).
Sorry this was so long but man, I am literally at my own personal rock bottom with this. And yes, I have started going to AlAnon (No Naranon nearby) and although it's very interesting, the format means that I cannot get any specific advice about what to do.
Two years ago my daughter, who had just finished her first year of college, met a nice kid with two jobs at a friend's party.
Within a few months, she realized he was an addict. It has been all downhill since then and I am trying to figure out how to detach from the situation, from him and from her.
Seven months ago, after a bad bout of using, he came to live with us. We told him had had to get a job, stay away from drugs, and attend meetings. A couple of months later, we suspected he had relapsed after noticing some very bizarre behavior and kicked him out. We let him have one more chance but made him sign a contract to attend two meetings per week and not hang out with anyone who used drugs. Previously we had just hoped he'd do what we suggested and that didn't work at all.
He got a job and generally fulfilled the contract. However, again we noticed he seemed depressed and to be getting more withdrawn. I was concerned that he just wasn't going to do well being so isolated at our house. He basically just went to work and then sat around doing nothing when he wasn't working.
I confronted him with my concerns (I suspected he had relapsed but didn't bring that up) and offered to send him to a 28 day inpatient rehab. That was three weeks ago. After a seemingly good start, he started taking suboxone and it all went downhill (not trying to get into a debate about that, it just doesn't seem to be a good thing for him). My daughter went to the family group last week and he was nodding off and generally appeared high. She was very concerned about him. I tried to be detached, just urging her to let the place handle him. When the finally confronted him that he appeared to be high, he flipped out and started yelling at the staff and punching things.They took him to the ER and they sent him back to rehab. Same thing happened the next day. He actually also flipped out at the ER and had to be restrained but after he calmed down they released him to his Father. Rehab had kicked him out at that point. Apparently he had gotten extra suboxone from someone and was not honest about it.
So, now he's living near by at his Dad's house. He is on Valium (for his tourette's), suboxone and an anti depressant and has no medical management. I offered to get him assessed at another place that has in and out patient rehab and he's not interested. He asked me to help him get an appt with a counselor and I did. He saw him once and has another appt for this week. In the meantime, he seems very out of sorts and I am sure it's the meds.
My daughter still lives here at home. She is totally and completely entwined in this situation. I finally got her to start seeing a counselor, but other than that, she is enabling him big time. After a ridiculously stressful week with his erratic behavior, with her worrying in the mornings when he didn't answer that he was dead, etc. etc. etc., they go out to dinner with his Mother (who has not been involved with him at all lately) and come back here like everything is fine.
I need to detach from both of them, I can see that. But with her living here, I am not sure what to do with all of the constant drama about him. I just say what, I don't want to talk about him? I will only help him get into rehab or counseling but otherwise nothing? I literally don't even know what to do. She's not going to break up with him - barring some miraculous event - at this time. So, it's like she's an addict too, just addicted to a person and a situation vs. a drug.
I feel I have erred in enabling this whole thing for so long. I wonder if offering him the chance for rehab was a stupid thing to do and maybe I should've just thrown him out. (Once he was in rehab he admitted he had relapsed, which we pretty much knew).
Sorry this was so long but man, I am literally at my own personal rock bottom with this. And yes, I have started going to AlAnon (No Naranon nearby) and although it's very interesting, the format means that I cannot get any specific advice about what to do.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome John, I'm sorry for your circumstance but glad you joined us.
It's good he is not living there anymore. Contracts and promises mean nothing when an addict wants his drugs, no matter how well intentioned they were in the beginning.
My son is my addicted loved one, a grown man who has been in and out of addiction/recovery for years and years and who has been missing for 8 years now, lost in his addiction somewhere. Before he went missing, he lived at home many times and sadly, it never worked out. He lied and stole from us (a common story, check your valuables John), and he made our home a war zone. We thought if we loved him enough, if we got him into rehab, if we made sure he went to meetings, if we gave him a job with my husband where we could keep and eye on him...we thought maybe we could save him.
Recovery has taught me that he isn't mine to save. I cannot do his recovery for him or make him do it himself. It took me about 10 years to figure that out, so if you can do it faster than that, you're way ahead of me.
Take a read around, you will find some good information here that I hope will be helpful as you try to put some kind of sense to all this.
Hugs
It's good he is not living there anymore. Contracts and promises mean nothing when an addict wants his drugs, no matter how well intentioned they were in the beginning.
My son is my addicted loved one, a grown man who has been in and out of addiction/recovery for years and years and who has been missing for 8 years now, lost in his addiction somewhere. Before he went missing, he lived at home many times and sadly, it never worked out. He lied and stole from us (a common story, check your valuables John), and he made our home a war zone. We thought if we loved him enough, if we got him into rehab, if we made sure he went to meetings, if we gave him a job with my husband where we could keep and eye on him...we thought maybe we could save him.
Recovery has taught me that he isn't mine to save. I cannot do his recovery for him or make him do it himself. It took me about 10 years to figure that out, so if you can do it faster than that, you're way ahead of me.
Take a read around, you will find some good information here that I hope will be helpful as you try to put some kind of sense to all this.
Hugs
Not John
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Wentzvile
Posts: 21
I am so sorry for what you have been through. I think that was my first mistake. I thought we could provide a stable, safe environment and that his recovery would go well because of that support. I can see very clearly that it will not now. I guess I will work on that 'one day at a time' thing and try to detach as best I can. Btw, I John is not my name. I am the Mom. I have a very unusual name so I dont' usually post it online. Thanks so much for you post.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Well you will find a lot of moms here, we kiddingly call ourselves the Posse of Mamas because we try to be very supportive of each other and new moms who arrive in distress.
And I do understand how you were thinking, we thought that way too. We thought if we just loved him and gave him a safe and happy home, meals and good nutrition, available health care, rehabs or whatever he needed...we thought just maybe we could save him from himself.
What we ended up doing was going down with him while trying to save him. By the time we made the final decision that he could no longer even come to our home, I was one sad neurotic women beaten by his addiction. I lived in fear 24 hours a day, fear of what would happen to him and fear for ourselves too, as he messed with the wrong people when he lived in his drug world, and I knew that one way they could get at him would be to hurt us....see where this all goes? It's just a very dark and terrible place to be.
I found recovery for myself, CoDA was my home fellowship, it is similar to Al-anon and Nar-anon and all of those have helped so many of us here find our balance again. I found SR over 10 years ago and have been here ever since. I read a book we all swear by "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, an amazing book about codependency and why we are like we are and how we can make better choices.
Today I begin my day with a prayer for my son and then I give his care to God and life the rest of my day well. I find beauty in every day, good days and bad, and I live life to the fullest, as life is intended to be lived. I no longer live in fear, I live in faith that God can do for my son what I could not.
I hope you find support here that helps you too. And saddle up, because you may want to join the Posse of Mamas too.
Hugs
And I do understand how you were thinking, we thought that way too. We thought if we just loved him and gave him a safe and happy home, meals and good nutrition, available health care, rehabs or whatever he needed...we thought just maybe we could save him from himself.
What we ended up doing was going down with him while trying to save him. By the time we made the final decision that he could no longer even come to our home, I was one sad neurotic women beaten by his addiction. I lived in fear 24 hours a day, fear of what would happen to him and fear for ourselves too, as he messed with the wrong people when he lived in his drug world, and I knew that one way they could get at him would be to hurt us....see where this all goes? It's just a very dark and terrible place to be.
I found recovery for myself, CoDA was my home fellowship, it is similar to Al-anon and Nar-anon and all of those have helped so many of us here find our balance again. I found SR over 10 years ago and have been here ever since. I read a book we all swear by "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, an amazing book about codependency and why we are like we are and how we can make better choices.
Today I begin my day with a prayer for my son and then I give his care to God and life the rest of my day well. I find beauty in every day, good days and bad, and I live life to the fullest, as life is intended to be lived. I no longer live in fear, I live in faith that God can do for my son what I could not.
I hope you find support here that helps you too. And saddle up, because you may want to join the Posse of Mamas too.
Hugs
Not John
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Wentzvile
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Ann 
Today I begin my day with a prayer for my son and then I give his care to God and life the rest of my day well. I find beauty in every day, good days and bad, and I live life to the fullest, as life is intended to be lived. I no longer live in fear, I live in faith that God can do for my son what I could not.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR. I hope you find support and comfort here. I do.
I am also the mother of an addict who is addicted. He moves in and out of recovery periodically but it's usually for short periods of time before he returns to the streets. He is homeless.
I am supportive when he is in recovery and very detached when he is not.
Ann mentioned the Melody Beattie book. It might be a nice gift to your daughter as well.
Early in this process I hung on to a modified version of "Let Go and Let God"...... It was "Let Go or be dragged". The visual was helpful.
Take care of you. Encourage your daughter to take care of herself. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
I am also the mother of an addict who is addicted. He moves in and out of recovery periodically but it's usually for short periods of time before he returns to the streets. He is homeless.
I am supportive when he is in recovery and very detached when he is not.
Ann mentioned the Melody Beattie book. It might be a nice gift to your daughter as well.
Early in this process I hung on to a modified version of "Let Go and Let God"...... It was "Let Go or be dragged". The visual was helpful.
Take care of you. Encourage your daughter to take care of herself. You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
Welcome to SR! My own 27 year old AS has fits and bursts of sobriety. Well, probably not even true sobriety. He quits using enough to hold down a job for a year perhaps. Then he crashes and burns.
He has lost his wife and 3 1/2 year old daughter. He is estranged from his big sister, his cousins, his aunts, his grandparents. He is spiritually lost.
I used to be emotionally and physically sick worrying about him until I had a spiritual awakening on an Ireland trip 3 years ago. Without going into the details of that awakening, I can attest that I have changed MY reactions to him.
I still love my son and always will. However, as the other Wise Mamas here share, I too understand now (FINALLY) that he is not mine to save. This has been the biggest understanding of my life. And, it is freeing. It is spiritual, and has led me to reconnect to my faith.
You perhaps have the opportunity to come to your awakening before I did. Nevertheless, the stories we share have such commonalities: we try to love them to recovery, we realize we can't, we come to a peace within ourselves.
Please keep posting. I have found such comfort on SR.
with compassion,
Peaceandgrace
He has lost his wife and 3 1/2 year old daughter. He is estranged from his big sister, his cousins, his aunts, his grandparents. He is spiritually lost.
I used to be emotionally and physically sick worrying about him until I had a spiritual awakening on an Ireland trip 3 years ago. Without going into the details of that awakening, I can attest that I have changed MY reactions to him.
I still love my son and always will. However, as the other Wise Mamas here share, I too understand now (FINALLY) that he is not mine to save. This has been the biggest understanding of my life. And, it is freeing. It is spiritual, and has led me to reconnect to my faith.
You perhaps have the opportunity to come to your awakening before I did. Nevertheless, the stories we share have such commonalities: we try to love them to recovery, we realize we can't, we come to a peace within ourselves.
Please keep posting. I have found such comfort on SR.
with compassion,
Peaceandgrace
Not John
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Wentzvile
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by Kindeyes
Ann mentioned the Melody Beattie book. It might be a nice gift to your daughter as well.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Welcome to the Posse! I am another mom with a 22 year old AS who is currently in jail due to theft from us (second time!). My journey started about three years ago and there is no new tale to tell. All of us have done exactly what we thought was best: Provide the stability, support, love, resources, encouragement and they will do the rest. In a non addictive issue that is true, but when dealing with addiction, there is no normal and no proven way to "help" them. We have to step away and let the addict run full speed towards the disaster that will cause them to hit bottom. My son was homeless, living in squalor and now faces health issues due to his IV drug use. He may have hit the bottom, but for me at least I believe he is safer in jail.
Keep posting and keep reading, this site is full of wisdom and love and encouragement to those who are new to the addiction realm.
Hugs,
Teresa
Keep posting and keep reading, this site is full of wisdom and love and encouragement to those who are new to the addiction realm.
Hugs,
Teresa
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Enfield, IL
Posts: 45
I am a mother of a AS nearly 25 years old ...but if I understand your daughter is co-dependant and her boyfriend is the addict? I can relate to that too my daughter has been dating an addict for over 4 years ...it is such a hard cycle to break for all of us... I wish I could offer advice but I am still learning myself ...welcome this is a great place to find support
Not John
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Wentzvile
Posts: 21
Thank you Sue. My daughter has been dating him for just over two years. At this point, she seems content with a pretty sad existence. She never goes out, is losing weight, is sick a lot, but as long as he is alive, I guess that's enough for her. It breaks my heart but I have finally realized there is not a lot I can do. Thankfully she did start seeing a counselor, so maybe there is hope in that direction. I am reading An Addict in the Family right now and it is really helpful.
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