Power Struggle I Won but we both Lost
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Power Struggle I Won but we both Lost
I should say that my son does perfect until the 9-11pm period every night. For some reason his urges are really triggered during this time. Last night was awful. His friends that are usually away at another college were home last night and he was hell bent on going out with them. He was going no matter what and I told him fine he walked out the door to go drink he should be sure to have another place to live. He kept wanting me to agree to let him have the car and he was moving out. I wouldn't give him the car because I am afraid he would drink and drive so I am saving him from himself. I know I can't do that but I am a mother. After a couple of hours he was as calm and normal and back to the same wonderful son that I had raised. I wanted him to call his AA sponsor and talk to him but he refused. Said he didn't need to bother him.
This morning when he woke up we had another discussion. Outlined all the rules AGAIN. He wrote them down agreed to everything and added in his own things that he wants to do.
Here is the real problem. I know again tonight at 9 or shortly thereafter he will be raging trying to get out of the door to go drink. If he makes it without going after 1-2 hours he will be back to his good self until the next night and then the next night. Do the urges ever get better? When he is out of the urge moment (or hours) he completely understands what is happening and talks about ways to work through them but it seems like that is just completely out the door at the time that he needs it most.
He has been sober for 10 days and for that I am thankful and happy. But I can honestly say this is almost as hard or harder than having to deal with him actively drinking.
This morning when he woke up we had another discussion. Outlined all the rules AGAIN. He wrote them down agreed to everything and added in his own things that he wants to do.
Here is the real problem. I know again tonight at 9 or shortly thereafter he will be raging trying to get out of the door to go drink. If he makes it without going after 1-2 hours he will be back to his good self until the next night and then the next night. Do the urges ever get better? When he is out of the urge moment (or hours) he completely understands what is happening and talks about ways to work through them but it seems like that is just completely out the door at the time that he needs it most.
He has been sober for 10 days and for that I am thankful and happy. But I can honestly say this is almost as hard or harder than having to deal with him actively drinking.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Have to detach. You're trying to do it for him.
Detachment: "Releasing another person to allow them to be themselves and to learn through their own mistakes. In doing this, one is forced to be responsible only for ourselves and to make decisions without the motive of influencing others. Or fearing their rejection."
I would suggest that you read "Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening" Robert J Meyers Ph.D.
In there you'll find some positive ideas on how to be supportive while setting up your own boundaries.
Detachment: "Releasing another person to allow them to be themselves and to learn through their own mistakes. In doing this, one is forced to be responsible only for ourselves and to make decisions without the motive of influencing others. Or fearing their rejection."
I would suggest that you read "Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening" Robert J Meyers Ph.D.
In there you'll find some positive ideas on how to be supportive while setting up your own boundaries.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Dear Blueskies, You are absolutely wise in not giving him your car. He is practically guranteed to drink while driving it. I made the mistake of "trusting" my son---guess who ended up being sorry----me, of course.
Peer influence and and the need to be with peers is very powerful at this age. Having the car is his symbol of freedom, adulthood, and garners great social acceptance in peer group.
Combine the strong compulsion to drink with the desire for the car to get to his peers and, (presumably), alcohol---he is powerfully motivated to "get his way".
At this point, it is in his best interest to be going to daily AA meetings and speaking very frequently with is sponsor. If he could find a community of his peers who are also abstaining, or an AA group of fellow students---that would help him enormously. There might be one on or near the campus. You might suggest this once---but, don't harp on it. He is the captain of his ship, now. He has to get used to running his own life. He might fall on his face---maybe, several times. If he doesn't learn now---he will have to learn later. Might as well be now.
This is very hard on the parents. You are doing great, so far. Hold to your boundries if the road gets bumpy. Focus on your life and support. This is what will keep you strong enough to endure.
Don't forget, he is watching you closely---to see where your weaknesses are; to see where you will cave; to see how stable you are. The more you focus on running your own ship--the more he gets the message that he is in the "adult" world now.
Keep the faith!
dandylion
Peer influence and and the need to be with peers is very powerful at this age. Having the car is his symbol of freedom, adulthood, and garners great social acceptance in peer group.
Combine the strong compulsion to drink with the desire for the car to get to his peers and, (presumably), alcohol---he is powerfully motivated to "get his way".
At this point, it is in his best interest to be going to daily AA meetings and speaking very frequently with is sponsor. If he could find a community of his peers who are also abstaining, or an AA group of fellow students---that would help him enormously. There might be one on or near the campus. You might suggest this once---but, don't harp on it. He is the captain of his ship, now. He has to get used to running his own life. He might fall on his face---maybe, several times. If he doesn't learn now---he will have to learn later. Might as well be now.
This is very hard on the parents. You are doing great, so far. Hold to your boundries if the road gets bumpy. Focus on your life and support. This is what will keep you strong enough to endure.
Don't forget, he is watching you closely---to see where your weaknesses are; to see where you will cave; to see how stable you are. The more you focus on running your own ship--the more he gets the message that he is in the "adult" world now.
Keep the faith!
dandylion
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
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Remind me, how old is your son?
Stay on your side of the recovery street. Let him work his program because he feels he NEEDS to for himself. You work yours, particularly detachment with love (compassion) and the Let Go slogan.
Have you been to an Al-Anon meeting lately? If not there's always tonight's and tomorrow morning's meetings.
Stay on your side of the recovery street. Let him work his program because he feels he NEEDS to for himself. You work yours, particularly detachment with love (compassion) and the Let Go slogan.
Have you been to an Al-Anon meeting lately? If not there's always tonight's and tomorrow morning's meetings.
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My son is 21. I didn't realize the extent of his problem until he was arrested for public intoxication. I planned to go to an Al-Anon meeting and called to find out where it was and the person told me it was at a church just down from my house. When I got there I found out it was an AA meeting. The closest Al Anon meeting I can find in 1 1/2 hours away.
He is not confined to the house. He is not allowed to take "his" car because I paid for it and pay for the insurance and although when he was arrested it was because he was walking home since he had been drinking and didn't want to drive I am not sure he won't drink and drive. He is allowed to go out just isn't allowed to come back here if he is drinking. He wants to argue the boundaries and I'm not going to. I will not live with an active alcoholic. He wants me to say he can go out and then come home. I am only willing to say he can go out and come home if he has had nothing to drink. He doesn't like that condition. Most of the time he is great it is just this trigger time which will be here shortly. Hopefully tonight will be better. He really likes his AA group and they only meet twice a week. I wish he would find another group for the rest of the days be he doesn't want to so I don't push it. I'm just glad he found a good group.
I have the Codependent No More and I'm reading it. When I finish it I will read the Get Your Loved One Sober.
He is not confined to the house. He is not allowed to take "his" car because I paid for it and pay for the insurance and although when he was arrested it was because he was walking home since he had been drinking and didn't want to drive I am not sure he won't drink and drive. He is allowed to go out just isn't allowed to come back here if he is drinking. He wants to argue the boundaries and I'm not going to. I will not live with an active alcoholic. He wants me to say he can go out and then come home. I am only willing to say he can go out and come home if he has had nothing to drink. He doesn't like that condition. Most of the time he is great it is just this trigger time which will be here shortly. Hopefully tonight will be better. He really likes his AA group and they only meet twice a week. I wish he would find another group for the rest of the days be he doesn't want to so I don't push it. I'm just glad he found a good group.
I have the Codependent No More and I'm reading it. When I finish it I will read the Get Your Loved One Sober.
Iceberg Ahead!
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Thanks. He's a full-blown, legal adult.
Too bad that the meeting is so far away!
There are always online chat as well as telephonic meetings of Al-Anon; find them here: Electronic Meeting List
You also can do Step work here on SR, which is the last forum in the Family & Friends fora section.
How are you going to "police" or "PI" whether or "if he has had something to drink" (or done drugs) when he's come back home? IMHO, it's gotta be: If I find out you are drinking or using, you're out of the house. Whether it's day or night. No matter if you're coming or going. Out, period.
Too bad that the meeting is so far away!
There are always online chat as well as telephonic meetings of Al-Anon; find them here: Electronic Meeting List
You also can do Step work here on SR, which is the last forum in the Family & Friends fora section.
How are you going to "police" or "PI" whether or "if he has had something to drink" (or done drugs) when he's come back home? IMHO, it's gotta be: If I find out you are drinking or using, you're out of the house. Whether it's day or night. No matter if you're coming or going. Out, period.
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He is only interested in alcohol. So I'm not concerned with other drugs although he does an internship with a place that does drug testing and he they do random tests. His last test was just about 3 weeks ago. As far as the alcohol I can smell it and even if it is just a little. I have considered getting a breathalyzer but haven't gone that route. And yes, the rule is if you are drinking period you are out. He isn't drinking in the house so if he goes out if he drinks he will have to find somewhere else to live.
My prayer is that he really works the program and can go on into a sober life. Isn't that what we all want for our loved ones. The only problem is sometimes I think I want it more than he does and that will never result in the positive outcome I want.
I do appreciate everyone here at SR for all the feedback. I honestly don't think I would have made as much personal progress without you all.
My prayer is that he really works the program and can go on into a sober life. Isn't that what we all want for our loved ones. The only problem is sometimes I think I want it more than he does and that will never result in the positive outcome I want.
I do appreciate everyone here at SR for all the feedback. I honestly don't think I would have made as much personal progress without you all.
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You're awesome. Keep working on your recovery. You also can purchase The Forum magazine from the AL-Anon store section of their website ($11 for a year), or buy the books How Al-Anon Works ($5 in paperback, and by far my favorite general one), One Day at A Time, and Courage to Change. The last two are daily devotionals that will help you a lot and help you get into a great habit.
Keep posting!
Keep posting!
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Last night was good. AS decided not to go out because it was the big game and where there is football and college students there is usually alcohol. Someone on the newly recovering thread suggested having ice cream or something like that available so when son has the urges he can go to that instead. It worked like a charm last night. He is up early this morning and actually smiling.
One day at a time.
One day at a time.
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Your example is really what the book "Getting Your Loved One Sober" talks about and what makes it so successful. It is the method used for HBO's series on addiction.
It's using behavior modification. Positive reinforcement. You really do have the perfect scenario to use this method. One of the keys is to be aware of the triggers and what time of the day. You know that. And yes, exactly - make staying home or away from his triggers fun. Show him how being sober has rewards. If he doesn't go out with his friends who encourage drinking, which is a trigger, discover what could motivate him to move past it. I find this approach much healthier than negative reinforcement. It also help stop the power struggles between family members and brings a calmer, happier home.
It is really worth a shot. It's really turned my own head around . . . I love it when that happens. And again - I tend to see the larger spiritual lesson. This moment is here to teach not only the other person, but US, a new way of living. See it as an opportunity to grow instead of a negative, detriment.
It's using behavior modification. Positive reinforcement. You really do have the perfect scenario to use this method. One of the keys is to be aware of the triggers and what time of the day. You know that. And yes, exactly - make staying home or away from his triggers fun. Show him how being sober has rewards. If he doesn't go out with his friends who encourage drinking, which is a trigger, discover what could motivate him to move past it. I find this approach much healthier than negative reinforcement. It also help stop the power struggles between family members and brings a calmer, happier home.
It is really worth a shot. It's really turned my own head around . . . I love it when that happens. And again - I tend to see the larger spiritual lesson. This moment is here to teach not only the other person, but US, a new way of living. See it as an opportunity to grow instead of a negative, detriment.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Originally Posted by BlueSkiesAgain 
Last night was good. AS decided not to go out because it was the big game and where there is football and college students there is usually alcohol. Someone on the newly recovering thread suggested having ice cream or something like that available so when son has the urges he can go to that instead. It worked like a charm last night. He is up early this morning and actually smiling.
One day at a time.
One day at a time.
They get very good at hiding it. It sounds like your DS likes to drink with freinds- hopefully he won't be compelled to do it alone or in other ways to "beat the system" or whatever you have figured out to deter him.
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