my rock bottom...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Rio Rancho NM
Posts: 12
my rock bottom...
Could/probably should be worse... But its bad enough for me.
I'm alive.
Not in jail.
And my kids love me and are in perfect health ( 10 months and 5 years)
I have been drinking for about 12 years or so (27 now) pretty hard on weekends and off and on during the week. This time last year I got back with my babies momma, (in June) pregnant at the time. She left me for not being motivated, staying at friends houses getting drunk, getting into fights when I did, but I wasn't quite the full blown alcoholic then. So when I got her back after a two month break up, one of the worst things I've fought through (until now) , I got a good job. We rented a house, nursed our relationship, raised one kid and watched another grow inside her. Making decent money I began drinking a little more often, particularly pints or half pints of cheap crap. Baby was born in December... I missed one day in the hospital during her recovery, drunk of course.
Well, I was layed off Dec 20th and that started my downward spiral... I did get unemployment, and watched the baby when she returned to work. I wouldnt drink while whatching the baby or kids alone, but pints to the face as soon as she was off. I'd make useless trips to the store for a "movie", or "food" and hide my pints or whatever. Fast forward six months I lose unemployment, and the bitterness starts from her- to try harder get a job etc. I take that as a slap and drunk.more, more often. Making excuses to not get a job like who will watch baby? Pick up big brother?
Flat out not trying. Cleaning cooking ya no big deal.. then I'd booze and f around on my phone when she was off
So the last four weekends I've either not gone home, binge drinking, or fought w her and you guessed it while drunk.
I have been applying places, but honestly no where near full throttle 100% effort..
Now last sat I take a pint to the face on the golf course, drive faded home.. have a friend pick me up go downtown drinks... Party. Then back to a friend's party. My babies momma (love of my life) gets there.. I act a fool off the bat- so she drinks some w the girls. Head back to my friends house... More drink more bickering. I guess at one point I told my friend and his wife ugh I wanna sock that b in the fn face!
So I get black out drunk, keep going.. and she is ready to leave- faded too. Yea I know bad night and luckily no one died in a DWI. Anyway I say blah blah and stay.
Wake up last Sunday, have my friend text her to bring the kids..
F him I don't want to deal w his isht etc.
I think eh she will calm down. Have two beers to battle my massive hang over, and Get a ride home-
Plug in my phone and text her.. she's done w the same crap, not getting anywhere in life w me, me not trying.. staying w her.mom its over.
We don't have enough for rent, so she uses what we would have to catch up on her bills.. tells me do what I can.
Chills, sweats, river of tears, shakes, horrible night. Don't eat till Tuesday night.- tho I land a job (finally). And now I'm on this path to sobriety. My low isn't the lowest but kills me.
The agony of losing my home, having to go back to moms, losing some.material crap, not hanging w my "friends", etc etc... Doesn't hold a flame to breaking up my family AGAIN.. and losing the only girl in this world that I'd want to spend my life with. The added depression from drying out doesn't help the intense pain I'm in, but I'm using it as a crutch to stay sober. I never have to hurt like this again. I never have to lose anyone due to.my addiction.
I called a state funded treatment center, crying in my voice mail on Tuesday, but haven't even received a call back. I think the worst of the withdrawals are over, but again the pain of my.loss out weighs the effects of my body sobering up.
I want to try AA, but damn I'm balling just trying to type this horrible rendition of what I've done to myself due to alcohol. And I honestly think it'd take a half our and a box of cleanex to get out my story.
I despise the evil that it does to me, and am ready to say bye forever. It's tough to think ill never enjoy another Guinness float again... But at least ill be alive for.my sons.
Basically I'm a total mess, but I'm trying my best. I hate that I did this to myself, but even more I'm just pist off I didn't "see the light" much sooner.
I'm alive.
Not in jail.
And my kids love me and are in perfect health ( 10 months and 5 years)
I have been drinking for about 12 years or so (27 now) pretty hard on weekends and off and on during the week. This time last year I got back with my babies momma, (in June) pregnant at the time. She left me for not being motivated, staying at friends houses getting drunk, getting into fights when I did, but I wasn't quite the full blown alcoholic then. So when I got her back after a two month break up, one of the worst things I've fought through (until now) , I got a good job. We rented a house, nursed our relationship, raised one kid and watched another grow inside her. Making decent money I began drinking a little more often, particularly pints or half pints of cheap crap. Baby was born in December... I missed one day in the hospital during her recovery, drunk of course.
Well, I was layed off Dec 20th and that started my downward spiral... I did get unemployment, and watched the baby when she returned to work. I wouldnt drink while whatching the baby or kids alone, but pints to the face as soon as she was off. I'd make useless trips to the store for a "movie", or "food" and hide my pints or whatever. Fast forward six months I lose unemployment, and the bitterness starts from her- to try harder get a job etc. I take that as a slap and drunk.more, more often. Making excuses to not get a job like who will watch baby? Pick up big brother?
Flat out not trying. Cleaning cooking ya no big deal.. then I'd booze and f around on my phone when she was off
So the last four weekends I've either not gone home, binge drinking, or fought w her and you guessed it while drunk.
I have been applying places, but honestly no where near full throttle 100% effort..
Now last sat I take a pint to the face on the golf course, drive faded home.. have a friend pick me up go downtown drinks... Party. Then back to a friend's party. My babies momma (love of my life) gets there.. I act a fool off the bat- so she drinks some w the girls. Head back to my friends house... More drink more bickering. I guess at one point I told my friend and his wife ugh I wanna sock that b in the fn face!
So I get black out drunk, keep going.. and she is ready to leave- faded too. Yea I know bad night and luckily no one died in a DWI. Anyway I say blah blah and stay.
Wake up last Sunday, have my friend text her to bring the kids..
F him I don't want to deal w his isht etc.
I think eh she will calm down. Have two beers to battle my massive hang over, and Get a ride home-
Plug in my phone and text her.. she's done w the same crap, not getting anywhere in life w me, me not trying.. staying w her.mom its over.
We don't have enough for rent, so she uses what we would have to catch up on her bills.. tells me do what I can.
Chills, sweats, river of tears, shakes, horrible night. Don't eat till Tuesday night.- tho I land a job (finally). And now I'm on this path to sobriety. My low isn't the lowest but kills me.
The agony of losing my home, having to go back to moms, losing some.material crap, not hanging w my "friends", etc etc... Doesn't hold a flame to breaking up my family AGAIN.. and losing the only girl in this world that I'd want to spend my life with. The added depression from drying out doesn't help the intense pain I'm in, but I'm using it as a crutch to stay sober. I never have to hurt like this again. I never have to lose anyone due to.my addiction.
I called a state funded treatment center, crying in my voice mail on Tuesday, but haven't even received a call back. I think the worst of the withdrawals are over, but again the pain of my.loss out weighs the effects of my body sobering up.
I want to try AA, but damn I'm balling just trying to type this horrible rendition of what I've done to myself due to alcohol. And I honestly think it'd take a half our and a box of cleanex to get out my story.
I despise the evil that it does to me, and am ready to say bye forever. It's tough to think ill never enjoy another Guinness float again... But at least ill be alive for.my sons.
Basically I'm a total mess, but I'm trying my best. I hate that I did this to myself, but even more I'm just pist off I didn't "see the light" much sooner.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,320
Welcome SoberIrishman 
You'll find a lot of support here - and I for what it's worth I think you've made a great decision
Finding recovery really is the first step to putting our lives and ourselves back together again
D
You'll find a lot of support here - and I for what it's worth I think you've made a great decision
Finding recovery really is the first step to putting our lives and ourselves back together again
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Rio Rancho NM
Posts: 12
Thank you, I'm glad I stumbled across this forum..
Like all forums I must point out to grammer Nazis...
A. I type with slang and b I'm on my phone..
Editing can be a pita but ill try to keep it readable
Like all forums I must point out to grammer Nazis...
A. I type with slang and b I'm on my phone..
Editing can be a pita but ill try to keep it readable
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Hi mate
You sound like you are feeling very raw at the moment, very hopeless.
But I can see a few glimmers of hope...I think you need to snatch them up and start putting this situation right.
We have all done things we are not proud of, be it not being there for a loved one when they needed us, getting blackout drunk when we shouldn't, not facing up to responsibilities etc etc.
Do try AA. I am in the UK, so I am not sure how different our meetings are, but I got a lot from just sitting and listening to others. I could compare my drinking with theirs and it felt good to know it was not just me that did those things, behaved in those ways, made those bad choices, was wracked with guilt every single day, every single waking hour.
It took me about four months to speak! But there is no pressure from anyone. And if you cry, you cry. Most people do at their first meetings anyway. So what.
Keep coming here and reading and posting too.
Lots of love to you xxxx
You sound like you are feeling very raw at the moment, very hopeless.
But I can see a few glimmers of hope...I think you need to snatch them up and start putting this situation right.
We have all done things we are not proud of, be it not being there for a loved one when they needed us, getting blackout drunk when we shouldn't, not facing up to responsibilities etc etc.
Do try AA. I am in the UK, so I am not sure how different our meetings are, but I got a lot from just sitting and listening to others. I could compare my drinking with theirs and it felt good to know it was not just me that did those things, behaved in those ways, made those bad choices, was wracked with guilt every single day, every single waking hour.
It took me about four months to speak! But there is no pressure from anyone. And if you cry, you cry. Most people do at their first meetings anyway. So what.
Keep coming here and reading and posting too.
Lots of love to you xxxx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 1,225
Welcome. You will eventually not even think of a Guiness nor crave it. But you need to have some type of recovery program in place. Can you go to AA? It saved my life and opened my eyes to new joy in my life.
I never thought I would stop wanting to drink, but now I don't even think about it. That's a miracle
I never thought I would stop wanting to drink, but now I don't even think about it. That's a miracle
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Inbetween dances
Posts: 548
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. AA is a wonderful non judging place. Everyone there has hit a bottom. We all share the same stories of where we were and where we want to be with the help of each other. I sure hope you can find the help you need wherever it may be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Rio Rancho NM
Posts: 12
Being a Saturday, after teeball and continued moving out of my house, ill try to hit an AA meeting. If not ill definitely be on here somewhere as this to.me is the next best thing. Thanks for the replies, this disease sure breaks one down, its nice to here encouraging words.
Didn't know I was such a cryer until now- but crying on a friday night is infinity times better then even one sip of alcohol.
So I'm up its Saturday and I look forward to another day of sobriety.
Didn't know I was such a cryer until now- but crying on a friday night is infinity times better then even one sip of alcohol.
So I'm up its Saturday and I look forward to another day of sobriety.
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