MissyShelle76

I read the guidelines so hope I don't break any rules

anyway, I was in chat tonight and FreshStart brought up AVRT. I had heard of it before but had no clue what it was. So I read. And OMG! It was the single most amazing thing I ever read. It made so much sense. It took all these thoughts and ideas I have been having and put them into words for me.

I always referred to my drinking as a beast or an imp. At times, I didn't just hear my beast, I felt it. This clawing, crazy thing inside of me saying "JUST DRINK NOWWWWW"

I tried another road to recovery. But it was still lacking and I fought so much of it. Because it went against everything I actually believed and practiced in my sober life.

I am so grateful right now. So unbelievably grateful to have found something that works so perfectly for who I am as a person.

As I said to FreshStart, it's just a thing. A THING. And at that moment, something broke free in me.

I no longer have to live in shame or fear of this "disease" because there is no disease. There is an urge, a thing, and I can tell it to shut the hell up.

I always wondered "I am so strong, I have moved past so much, why not alcoholism? Why can't I get rid of it" I finally realized tonight that my other roads to recovery never allowed me to get rid of it, but manage it. That gave IT too much power. IT controlled ME.

My beast is meowing tonight and confused. I'm not naive enough to think It will stay that way. But I know feel as if I have some control over this.

I could write so much more but I just want to introduce myself and say thank you.

Auvers

Love your statement, "I am so strong, I have moved past so much, why not alcoholism?". I said the same thing. It's so true. There are so many problems we deal with tht have no solution. Isn't it great to know all that's required to beat this problem is to decide to quit and to never change your mind.

MissyShelle76

Yes. There is a peace in such simplicity. As I stated, I'm only an hour new to this, so I may trip over myself and my understanding of AVRT. But I am ready to learn more and read what others who have gone before me have to say.

I think, in the end, with AA, I fought the idea that I am hopeless, weak,sick, and not unique. It fought against every logical part of who I am. And yet, opening a webpage and reading 28 flash cards made more sense to me than any other book or message I've ever heard.

Anyway, I am usually quite verbose but I'm so new at this, I won't pretend to know what I am talking about.

I'm just grateful.

freshstart57

You are on your way, MissyShelle, I can hear the joy and wonder in your post, and this is good. Yes, your addiction is a thing, it is not you, you are so much more than it.

So, I will welcome you here, say howdy, pull up a chair, make yourself comfy. I will also let you know that things can get a little sharp around here too and the discussions can get a little prickly. This is because we are dealing with a part of us, our beasts, that really doesn't appreciate the limelight.

So, to complete your initiation, please accept my comment about
Crank up that self confidence to 11, MissyShelle, there is every reason to do it, and no reason at all not to. Your beast is confused right now (tee hee hee, it's great, isn't it) and it certainly can stay that way. But even if it doesn't, so what? Even if the beast gets loud, it still has no power over you.

This stuff will get clearer when you think more about your Big Plan, your personal forever no-matter-what vow to never drink again. This part is important because it strips away all the hiding places for your beast and makes it so very easy to recognize. With your plan in place, any thought of taking a drink ever again, or that you don't know how this will turn out, it is all AV, and you can recognize it easily because it bumps into your plan and whines very loudly.

Please keep posting, there is a wonderful group of people here. And just as at the other forums, your posts will do a lot more than merely answer your questions, they encourage others that are reading too.

soberlicious

Welcome Missy!!

You have more than some control over this, you have complete control over this.

onlythetruth

You got it, MissyShelle! You got it. YOU HAVE THE POWER!!!

Pups

Thanks for your post. I came accross AVRT through a buddy and it was literally like I woke up! I did wake up. I thought the beast was me! So I did what it told me. When IT told me my relationship was going to end so you'd better drink to cope! I did. HAHA. Then it told me you've been paid today. You deserve a drink and a few stones on the pipe. So I did. And I'd end up completely demoralised wondering why I kept buying my own lies....Then RR told me what I;m listening to isn't me, it's the beast! I love that! Cause that's exactly what it is!! It's only goal is survival and as soon as I read that I woke up and recognised it as a seperate voice. Not me! But IT! I have never felt freedom like I do now. I don't feel I have to do a hundred things a day or I'll relapse. Or cling on for dear life. Or live like a dry drunk or victim.
The beast is still very much alive, but I just recognise IT, 'You again' and move on. So now IT comes in by throwing me a bit of paranoya, fear, anxiety, anger! And a couple of times I've bought into it and very quickly see the beast rolling like a freight train towards the idea of a drink. Cause IT loves getting drunk and smoking crack! and when i did IT says, MMMORRRE!!! and I said, 'What is wrong with me!!! through sobbing tears!' Some party! In all my attempts to stay sober, I've never felt as free as I do now!