fluffyflea

Hi All,

I was wondering what peoples experiences are with "hooks"? You know the kind the A's throw out there to keep us hooked in? I'm finding the "hooks" overwhelming, disconcerting and totally throwing me off balance. I get to a certain place in my thinking towards making a decision for me and some how a hook is slapped in there. I guess it's a matter of leaving the hooks on the ground and walking away, letting actions speak for themselves.

inpieces314

BIG hook for me: I'm calling the police and filing charges for______. You are gonna go to jail and they will take the kids from you.

So then I did whatever he wanted. Come to find out, HE was the one the cops are after.

I am in school to be a lawyer, I KNOW the law, and I am STILL stupid enough to believe this. For real. I am STILL waiting for the cops to show up at my doorstep for some random thing that happened months ago or something.

OT: Remember that Spongebob episode where they were playing hooky? They had to learn the hard way to leave the hooks where they were.

Confetti

I always get, "I love you. More than anything (except booze), I need you". Etc, etc.

LaTeeDa

Mine used to

a)tell me exactly what I wanted to hear or
b)threaten me with what I feared most

Once I finally realized this, and started watching his actions instead of listening to his words, I found myself much less "hookable."

L

fluffyflea

I guess that/s it,i/m what he knows I want to HEAR but not enough ACTION. Maybe that is why I/m so uncomfortable.

choublak

Throwing people hooks is some sociopathic behavior.

Crying (still not sure if real or fake) and threatening suicide are just two I can think of off the top of my head right now.

ZiggyB

well, sometimes people DO cry when they are sad and that has nothing to do with hooks. My ex used to yell at me when I cried but he was making me feel bad about myself, I wasn't doing it to be manipulative...

choublak

That's not what I'm saying.

LifeRecovery

Some of it for me was recognizing potential hooks, but some of it was "listening" to myself (for me especially my stomach and jaw would respond to hooks). I would get immediate nausea if something was off and jaw tightness. Often sleep would be an issue.

I overrode these feelings for a long time. When I finally realized that they were trying to tell me something and I started to pay attention it helped. Getting that all worked out though took time.

fluffyflea

Oh yes, those are beauties, I had a boyfriend who was into the suicide behaviours. I wasn't around long after that stunt.

Titanic

The A using the kids or putting them in harms' way. That's THE big-arse hook.

fluffyflea

Yup thats a good one too.

Lulu39

I was talking with a "friend" the other day (more about the "friend" later) and I told her that XAH's behaviour when drunk was so frightening that once or twice I didn't allow my kids to go to sleepovers on a Saturday night because it was his BIG drinking night. My logic was if the kids were not around he would drink more and become very abusive toward me, been there done that. So I kept the kids home knowing it would stop him from becoming totally wasted and screaming at me (he does have some standards LOL he "only" does little abuse when the kids are around LOL!). The "friend" then railed at me about how me keeping the kids home was using the kids and how bad I was for doing so. OK.

Anyway, I've decided that she isn't the "friend" I thought she was. Later that night XAH emailed me to apologise for not phoning the kids as he had been on the phone to "a friend" for hours that night. Hmmm... I am so stupid lesson learned, trust no-one.

On another thread in pieces wrote: XAH has spent the last few weeks out of this house running around telling everyone that we knew that he left me because I am a crazy bitch. I might be crazy but he has made me frigging CRAZY! I've spent the last few weeks working, working on me, my kids and the crap state of this house. I've worked so hard my hands are red raw and every muscle hurts. I mowed the frigging lawn for the first time in my life FFS!

Everyone believes him. Everyone. Friends I thought were friends are not. Everyone is busy phoning him and consoling him and worrying about him ENABLING HIM. No-one has phoned me. No-one has knocked on my door to see if I am OK.

Titanic

Lulu39: Yes, America loves the underdog or celebrity who went to "rehab" (America doesn't tend to watch the rest of the episodes after "rehab"). Not much press on the Al-Anon stories. But you are right that this disease makes some family members "insane." So the public easily looks at the family members who have "Al-Anonism" as the crazies, and at the chill alkies who went to rehab as the good guys!

Please consider going to Al-Anon meetings for Yourself!

Lynnrae2

My hooks are my two girls.

He would always come in asking about my girls.....I was hooked.

He showed up at my oldest daughters cheerleading tryouts with flowers.....I was hooked.

He gave my daughters money to go shopping.....I was hooked.

Now after about a week of not talking to him by my choice this time.

He has called twice (left messages, cause I didnt answer the phone).

Both messages were about him loving my girls and how beautiful my girls were.

Doing good though by not calling him back. Trying to stay off that hook!!!!

fluffyflea

Yes that is so manipulative using kids like that.

Lynnrae2

So true....they do need to do a rehab show for the nons in the relationship and what they go through. and follow up with addicts after their 30 60 day rehab is over. What is life after rehab for all involved.

may not be as exciting but very educational for us going through it!!!

ZiggyB

I'm sorry, I know how maddening that must be. I am certain my ex did the same thing and told all of his friends that I am some kind of a crazy psycho. He has the tendency to skew everything in his direction making himself look like a marytr, if not downright fabricating the truth. Luckily I never liked his friends too much to begin with, most of them drank a lot as well. A lot of them didn't like me because I would try to avoid them and their bar outings & drinking parties. So I'm not too upset about their opinion of me.

I do have friends of my own who have kept me sane throughout the whole process.

ZiggyB

okay, I have just heard that some men see a woman crying as a form of manipulation, but sometimes you really do get upset - thanks.

choublak

No, that's not what I'm saying either. Lol.

I don't know who you heard that from, but these men are either a) with a sociopath, or b) the man is making you upset, so you cry, and then he turns it around on you by saying you're crying to manipulate him; when it's actually him manipulating you more.

People who manipulate regularly (i.e., sociopaths, some addicts, other sick individuals) can use crying as a tool to get what they want, and to control other people. Some have the "skill" of making themselves cry, on demand, if it leads to some benefit for them. But this is only manipulative people with a consciously manipulative agenda. Most "normal" people do cry because they are genuinely upset. The problem is, sociopaths are very good at appearing to be "normal". So they would make themselves cry, if it led to some benefit.

I wasn't saying, oh, this person is crying, he/she must be manipulative. If the crying is within a cycle of behaviors, that's when it's a red flag. Because with people who are manipulative/sociopathic, there is a distinct pattern of behaviors that cycle over, and over.