Being the bigger person. Should you?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Being the bigger person. Should you?
Has anyone ever had things end in a very nasty way that you feel so out of character. I wanted to know if anyone has ever apologized to their A or RA after the smoke has cleared. It has nothing to do with wanting the person back but simply aplogizing for your own hurtful words. I had my reasons to react so negatively but I do feel that I too was wrong.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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An apology won't necessarily fix anything, but it may make YOU feel better. And quite frankly, that is what matters most. He/she may accept it, they may not. But if you feel it is something you need to do, I would definitely do it.....Unless, of course, you are using it as an excuse to communicate/reconnect. In that case NO WAY! We use all kids of 'reasons' (more like excuses) to see or speak to the person/addict we love and miss.
If you genuinely simply want to apologize, by all means, go for it. But don't use it as justification to open old wounds that are better left alone.
If you genuinely simply want to apologize, by all means, go for it. But don't use it as justification to open old wounds that are better left alone.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Do you mean it?
I've apologized countless times when I didn't mean it just to smooth things over and reduce dramatic friction in my family. I won't do this anymore.
If you actually mean it, and it would make you feel better, and you're doing it without expectations, I don't really see the harm.
I've apologized countless times when I didn't mean it just to smooth things over and reduce dramatic friction in my family. I won't do this anymore.
If you actually mean it, and it would make you feel better, and you're doing it without expectations, I don't really see the harm.
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I actually do mean it.I feel like as the anger subsides, I begin to feel sorry for the mean words. Never in our relationship have I ever been so mean (name calling). I feel like I am torn and that is why I asked for opinions. One side of me truly feels sorry but then the other side feels that no maybe I shouldn't have been presented with the heartbreaking situation. I am not doing it because I think that our relationship can be saved, more so because I am not a mean person and I have always loved him.
The more I educate myself, I begin to feel bad that I enabled him (with love) during his active use, 18 months. I now can see that I did not help the situation. Love can not cure this but still I hold myself accountable for the ugliness that I showed.
The more I educate myself, I begin to feel bad that I enabled him (with love) during his active use, 18 months. I now can see that I did not help the situation. Love can not cure this but still I hold myself accountable for the ugliness that I showed.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! Not about the way you reacted to a situation you didn't know how to handle and that you didn't create. Of course you said mean things! I am one of the nicest people you will ever meet and I have said horrible things. It is a reaction of anger, fear, guilt, worry, and resentment.
The fact is, so many of us don't realize we are enabling them until we are neck-deep it it. And at that point we are all capable of lashing out. It helps US deal with the situation, with the anger and hurt that we feel.
Maybe you don't necessarily need to apologize to him, but maybe make peace with yourself. Accept where you were emotionally when those things were said.
Again, I'm just worried you are hoping for a response from him that you may or may not get. An apology, acceptance of responsibility, guilt, love...I don't know what. But be honest with yourself and be careful with your emotions.
The fact is, so many of us don't realize we are enabling them until we are neck-deep it it. And at that point we are all capable of lashing out. It helps US deal with the situation, with the anger and hurt that we feel.
Maybe you don't necessarily need to apologize to him, but maybe make peace with yourself. Accept where you were emotionally when those things were said.
Again, I'm just worried you are hoping for a response from him that you may or may not get. An apology, acceptance of responsibility, guilt, love...I don't know what. But be honest with yourself and be careful with your emotions.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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rsk,
I too am one of the nicest person who will ever meet and I to said and did some mean things. I called names blamed him for my miscarriage due to the stress of his holding on to his ex, and I even got the restraining order against him. (he did physically put his hands on me that every last day I saw him, but I don't think he meant to hurt me he was just trying to clam me down after I fell and cut myself, but I was scared and he just kept trying to grab my hands to clean me up but he was very angry and that was what was scared me I have never seen him so angry before) but I got the order of protection one because (I taught I was pregnant at the time which thankfully I am not) and two (because I want there to be a legal measure for ME NOT TO CONTACT HIM) , I know if I did not do that I would want to try and reach out to him or that he may want to contact me and I just cannot because of my future business ventures. I would say just let it go. God and you know that you didn’t mean it and what was in your heart.
I too am one of the nicest person who will ever meet and I to said and did some mean things. I called names blamed him for my miscarriage due to the stress of his holding on to his ex, and I even got the restraining order against him. (he did physically put his hands on me that every last day I saw him, but I don't think he meant to hurt me he was just trying to clam me down after I fell and cut myself, but I was scared and he just kept trying to grab my hands to clean me up but he was very angry and that was what was scared me I have never seen him so angry before) but I got the order of protection one because (I taught I was pregnant at the time which thankfully I am not) and two (because I want there to be a legal measure for ME NOT TO CONTACT HIM) , I know if I did not do that I would want to try and reach out to him or that he may want to contact me and I just cannot because of my future business ventures. I would say just let it go. God and you know that you didn’t mean it and what was in your heart.
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"DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! Not about the way you reacted to a situation you didn't know how to handle and that you didn't create. "
MFOX, for thanks your thoughts. I am not going to say anything right now. I do feel horrible for my words but you are right. I did not know how to handle such pain. I will work on that (controlling my emotions).
Everyone from my family and friends, they say that I owe him nothing! I just wanted to check with those that know what this situation can be like(to love an addict). I have to be honest and yes I know that if he doesn't acknowledge me or my apology, it will hurt. I need to love myself and not open the wounds, you are right. I will leave it for now... Thank you everyone.
MFOX, for thanks your thoughts. I am not going to say anything right now. I do feel horrible for my words but you are right. I did not know how to handle such pain. I will work on that (controlling my emotions).
Everyone from my family and friends, they say that I owe him nothing! I just wanted to check with those that know what this situation can be like(to love an addict). I have to be honest and yes I know that if he doesn't acknowledge me or my apology, it will hurt. I need to love myself and not open the wounds, you are right. I will leave it for now... Thank you everyone.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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My thought is irregardless of our A's actions, part of the healing process is to take responsibility for our actions. For one thing taking responsibility for our actions gives us back control, instead of putting them in control of our actions. Second, letting toxicity go is good for mental health and being free to move forward in life. Finally, if you truly did wrong a peron, then do as your conscience dictates and be true to yourself. Apoloizing for your actions does not negate theirs nor does it obligate ou to pick up the relationship again.
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rsk...I've struggled with this myself again and again. I'm also not at all a mean-spirited person yet as my situation dragged on, I became less able to respond to things in a nice way, to be "supportive" in the way it seemed my boyfriend wanted me to, to hold my tongue EVER. I've never said things that weren't true, but I do seem to find the worse possible way of saying anything that I could possibly find.
I end up angry with myself for losing my credibility, losing my cool, and then giving him excuses for his own behavior because he can just say to me, "Look at the way YOU'RE treating ME." My guilt tells me, you know, he's right, you are being an a-hole. But I know, like mfox said, that I was not like that before all the lies and broken promises and lack of respect toward me, that I am not like that generally speaking, and that my reactions were filled with all my hurt, anger, resentment, bitterness, frustration, etc.
If there is one thing I think about more than anything else it's that I wish I would have just left him when this started. I know myself well enough to recognize that when I'm repeatedly lied to, I don't recover well and I turn into this version of me. Had I left straight away, I wouldn't have had the chance to turn into that. BUT, I know I wanted to believe that he WOULD fix things like he said he would. I've apologized to him and I've acknowledged my "role" in our situation. I've also told him that my tendency toward reacting that way is one of the reasons why we shouldn't have any contact. I'm nowhere near a place where I can accept the situation as it is and not let my emotions get the better of me.
I end up angry with myself for losing my credibility, losing my cool, and then giving him excuses for his own behavior because he can just say to me, "Look at the way YOU'RE treating ME." My guilt tells me, you know, he's right, you are being an a-hole. But I know, like mfox said, that I was not like that before all the lies and broken promises and lack of respect toward me, that I am not like that generally speaking, and that my reactions were filled with all my hurt, anger, resentment, bitterness, frustration, etc.
If there is one thing I think about more than anything else it's that I wish I would have just left him when this started. I know myself well enough to recognize that when I'm repeatedly lied to, I don't recover well and I turn into this version of me. Had I left straight away, I wouldn't have had the chance to turn into that. BUT, I know I wanted to believe that he WOULD fix things like he said he would. I've apologized to him and I've acknowledged my "role" in our situation. I've also told him that my tendency toward reacting that way is one of the reasons why we shouldn't have any contact. I'm nowhere near a place where I can accept the situation as it is and not let my emotions get the better of me.
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"But I know, like mfox said, that I was not like that before all the lies and broken promises and lack of respect toward me, that I am not like that generally speaking, and that my reactions were filled with all my hurt, anger, resentment, bitterness, frustration, etc. "
This is exactly how I feel. I decided that -no- I shouldn't say anything.One day I will make my peace with him for myself. As much as I am sorry, when I really think about it, I wonder if this is just a pattern. A pattern that I have learned. I would call him out on his behavior and then he would make me feel guilty and sulk in his own self pity...then I would have to make things right.
The difference with an addict (just in my experience) seemed like you could say ANYTHING remotely negative and it would be like the walls are crashing down, yet we have endured much more in the whole ordeal and still manage to stand up. I may have more guilt because of the constant "fragile" state that they are in. It's hard to explain. Either way, I was wrong and can admit to that. I'm just getting off topic now, I will just keep moving forward and make peace when I am stronger/ more in tune with myself.
This is exactly how I feel. I decided that -no- I shouldn't say anything.One day I will make my peace with him for myself. As much as I am sorry, when I really think about it, I wonder if this is just a pattern. A pattern that I have learned. I would call him out on his behavior and then he would make me feel guilty and sulk in his own self pity...then I would have to make things right.
The difference with an addict (just in my experience) seemed like you could say ANYTHING remotely negative and it would be like the walls are crashing down, yet we have endured much more in the whole ordeal and still manage to stand up. I may have more guilt because of the constant "fragile" state that they are in. It's hard to explain. Either way, I was wrong and can admit to that. I'm just getting off topic now, I will just keep moving forward and make peace when I am stronger/ more in tune with myself.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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I have lost it on my xah many times. 
I now only apologize to calm the situation down so I don't have to deal with his anger.
One thing I have learned about this painful experience is not to react when angry. I calm down first. Sometimes thought they push so much they need a few words...although it just stirs the pot. No contact is ideal, otherwise try to ignore. I wouldn't feel bad...he probably deservede it! Nobody is perefect and these addicts push and push and push...sometimes we just can't take it anymore. And you know what? That's ok.
I now only apologize to calm the situation down so I don't have to deal with his anger.
One thing I have learned about this painful experience is not to react when angry. I calm down first. Sometimes thought they push so much they need a few words...although it just stirs the pot. No contact is ideal, otherwise try to ignore. I wouldn't feel bad...he probably deservede it! Nobody is perefect and these addicts push and push and push...sometimes we just can't take it anymore. And you know what? That's ok.
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I have "lost" it a few times. I have also done some nasty things to him as well. Like throwing all his clothes in garbage bags and leaving them outside for when he came home. Also, when he came home from a business trip, I didn't pick him up. I just left him at the airport when he with no ride home. :rotfxko
As far I am concerned, he was not the man I married, he was a stranger, a stranger who was an untrustworthy liar, a stranger who was on drugs.
He has never once brought any of this up either. I feel no need to apologize to "that person."
As far I am concerned, he was not the man I married, he was a stranger, a stranger who was an untrustworthy liar, a stranger who was on drugs.
He has never once brought any of this up either. I feel no need to apologize to "that person."
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