When they are totally in denial?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
When they are totally in denial?
My XAH is out of my house. He is still actively drinking and drugging.
He has NEVER, recently acknowledged that he is an addict.
He did once or twice when the kids were small, did detox and a little bit of rehab. Then came home and convinced me he could still have a couple of drinks. Yeah WHATEVER!
My question is: So many of you have As who acknowledge their addictions. Then, they lie to you and sneak their addictions into the house. You look for it, find it or not find it, worry, suspect etc. Mine just did it all in front of me, no matter how much I protested and begged or cried. What is so wrong and broken with me that he doesn't even care to lie or hide what he does? He just does it and gives me the great big middle finger.
He has NEVER, recently acknowledged that he is an addict.
He did once or twice when the kids were small, did detox and a little bit of rehab. Then came home and convinced me he could still have a couple of drinks. Yeah WHATEVER!
My question is: So many of you have As who acknowledge their addictions. Then, they lie to you and sneak their addictions into the house. You look for it, find it or not find it, worry, suspect etc. Mine just did it all in front of me, no matter how much I protested and begged or cried. What is so wrong and broken with me that he doesn't even care to lie or hide what he does? He just does it and gives me the great big middle finger.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
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In a weird way, your husband is being open and honest about his thoughts and his actions. He doesn't believe that he has an addiction problem and doesn't think there's anything for him to cover up. Or he's decided that this is how he's going to keep on going and other folks can take it or leave it.
He really is being open and honest about his current lifestyle. It means that you need to be just as honest with both him and yourself about whether you are willing to accept him the way he is. He's not going to change, so all that is left is for you to decide if you're going to change.
He really is being open and honest about his current lifestyle. It means that you need to be just as honest with both him and yourself about whether you are willing to accept him the way he is. He's not going to change, so all that is left is for you to decide if you're going to change.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
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It is a war of the wills, his will to drink is so strong, that he doesn't care what you want or think.
There is nothing wrong with you, it's just that he has been in the drivers seat and you have been sitting in the back seat. He is gone now, hop behind the wheel and leave him in your dust.
You are doing good, keep moving in the right direction, dedicate your thought processes to you and your children.
There is nothing wrong with you, it's just that he has been in the drivers seat and you have been sitting in the back seat. He is gone now, hop behind the wheel and leave him in your dust.
You are doing good, keep moving in the right direction, dedicate your thought processes to you and your children.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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This is a struggle for me. My AH will fully admit that he's an alcoholic with a serious problem and believe it 100%, and in the same breath insist that all of that is behind him now and he doesn't need ongoing interventions like AA or counseling, because he's just fine, thank you. Denial becomes a way of living.
In my experience, the more people around him who are invested in maintaining that denial, for whatever reason, it doesn't really matter, the sicker he'll be.
In my experience, the more people around him who are invested in maintaining that denial, for whatever reason, it doesn't really matter, the sicker he'll be.
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Originally Posted by Lulu39 
What is so wrong and broken with me that he doesn't even care to lie or hide what he does?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Originally Posted by Lulu39
My question is: So many of you have As who acknowledge their addictions. Then, they lie to you and sneak their addictions into the house. You look for it, find it or not find it, worry, suspect etc. Mine just did it all in front of me, no matter how much I protested and begged or cried. What is so wrong and broken with me that he doesn't even care to lie or hide what he does? He just does it and gives me the great big middle finger.
I think a better question to ask yourself would be "what is so broken in me that I would allow myself to be treated this way?"
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
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Why should he hide it? He knows you know he drinks. It isn't anything personal...he isn't drinking AT you, he's drinking because he's an alcoholic and he wants to drink. Period.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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I thought perhaps this might help. It is brutally honest, but it is the truth.
Originally Posted by Ann
What Addicts Do
This post has been reposted so many times that I thought I would sticky it here at the top. Jon posted this some time ago, in response to the many questions of "why" that were asked by those who love an addict. I thank Jon for sharing this so honestly and hope it will help others understand what addicts do.
This post has been reposted so many times that I thought I would sticky it here at the top. Jon posted this some time ago, in response to the many questions of "why" that were asked by those who love an addict. I thank Jon for sharing this so honestly and hope it will help others understand what addicts do.
What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
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Have A Great 24
-jon
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.
My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.
My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.
And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.
Stop being surprised.
I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________
Have A Great 24
-jon
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
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Mine never bothered to hide it either. What did he care?! Not at all. He didn't hide it from anyone. He is a narcissist according to my therapist. Empty bottles everywhere, falling out of his truck at safety meetings, sitting on the counter, in the garbage.....the only place he wouldn't put them was in the recycling!
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
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What is so wrong and broken with me that he doesn't even care to lie or hide what he does?
There's nothing in you that made him behave the way he did.
Just like there's nothing in an abused woman that makes the abuser beat her.
Just like there's nothing in a rape victim that made her attacker rape her.
Same idea, different behaviors. It. Has. Nothing. To. Do. With. You. It's all on him. All on him. The only thing you need to worry about is why you let him. That's a hard enough nut to crack, I find.
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Location: New York, NY
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What is so wrong and broken with me that he doesn't even care to lie or hide what he does? He just does it and gives me the great big middle finger.
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