outonalimb

I just need to get this 'out there'. I'm sorry it's so long.

My exah has been in jail for the last 5 weeks or so. His life has really spiraled downward since we seperated and divorced.

He went from drinking every afternoon to drinking every single day...all day.
He has been psychotic at times...believing he can see the future...believing he is Jesus Christ.
He spent most of this past summer wandering around with **** stains on his pants, not bathing, paranoid and delusional and very, very, very sick.

The only reason I know any of this is because his brother (my ex BIL) fills me in. You see, my exah and I have a 13 year old son together and so I feel a need to keep a distant eye on the situation because my exah scares me sometimes and sometimes I am afraid of him. I feel the need to keep tabs on where he is or what is doing sometimes just because when I know he is up north (and therefore 2 hours away from where I live) ,I can kind of let my guard down a little.

When he gets out of jail...I have decided that I will seek a restraining order if he comes to my home univited. I just don't know who this man is anymore.

And yet, and here is my codependent sickness, I guess...I think of him sitting in jail with no visitors (he hasn't had any in 5 weeks as his family wants nothing to do with him anymore either)...alone...and I think about what Christ said about visiting those in jail...of helping the sick... and I wonder if a letter from me encouraging him to seek help when he gets out of jail will do any good. Maybe he is thinking more clearly now that he has had 5 weeks of forced sobriety? I know doing this would just be another misguided attempt at forcing recovery when its none of my business. It's none of my business even if this man is my son's father. Boy, it took me a long time to see that. And just admitting it here to all of you reinforces this for me.

I just wonder if the man I loved so fiercely at one time even exists anymore? Is he still there...or has he completely been taken over by this disease?

I won't write a letter. I will continue on with my 'no contact' policy. I have to. Anything less could destroy me...destroy our son. All I can really do is say a prayer for him and keep moving forward. My prayers feel like such a small thing to offer but really, they're all I have left.

Thanks for letting me share.

Mary

bryangt

Good luck & God Bless Mary. Praying for him is a good thing. Sounds like the disease has a scary grip on him. You have to put you & your son first.

fedup3

I'm sorry outonalimb, I understand how you are feeling. My xah has only months to live unless they give him a liver transplant and there's a part of me that wants to go and mother him but the other part says the man that I knew isn't there anymore. I decided the best thing I could do for him is to pray for him and leave him with God and love him from a distance.

Impurrfect

((OTL)))- No response, when I was in jail, spoke WAY louder than anything someone may have written.

When it was my ex in jail, I wrote him but as soon as he asked for money, the letters stopped.

I think you are doing all the right stuff, but I know it doesn't always come easy or without doubt.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

MsPINKAcres

((Mary))

sending you & your son lots of support, prayers & PINK HUGS and
also praying for your exah - for the hope that he will someday find the path to a better way

keep taking care of you

Never forget the greatest gift you give yourself and those you care about is the love, respect and dignity for each of us to walk our own path . . .

PINK HUGS,
Rita

HeySoulSista

Big hug from me. You can call a local church or synagogue that has a 12 step ministry you like near the jail and ask them to send someone to visit him. But don't open yourself up for his wrath. I understand how you feel. I have an alcoholic friend. But I see him digging his own grave, I see the "friend" that he is with as being a dangerous enabler and the people that really love him so desperately want him to just walk to an AA meeting and take care of himself so his children can have a Dad.
So very sad for the kids. But not as sad as being around the out of control illness. Maybe he will get sober in jail, maybe they have a 12 step program at his jail. You are doing what you need to in order to protect your child, good work.

lillamy

Oh Mary. You know, that's... I was going to say "the hardest part" of this but there are so many hardest parts.

But we don't talk about this one that often. The fact that no matter how much you know it's the right thing to stay out of contact, no matter how much you know there's nothing you can do, no matter how much you really would like to not have to see him again... you still hurt when they continue going downhill faster and faster.

I actually came here to post about something similar, but on a smaller scale. My AXH was maybe the most intelligent person I've ever met. I totally fell for his intellect. After decades of alcoholism, he's paranoid. Delusional. How he's still holding a job is beyond me, because it's utterly clear to me in every e-mail that he has, at best, a tentative grip on reality.

It has taken me a very long time to realize that I can care without acting, I can have compassion without getting involved. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

Ann

I'm so sorry, Mary, and I know how awful it is to see the once vibrant, full of life person slide so far into hell.

I will add my prayers to yours, I believe God hears every word and that He loves all his children including His addicted ones.

You are doing the right thing. He is incapable of good judgement right now, and his bad judgement could hurt you or your son. Be safe....and let God handle the rest.

Big Hugs