My husband leaves for rehab today
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 14
My husband leaves for rehab today
Hi...new here...My husband is leaving for rehab today. He is a serious alcoholic and oxycodone/hydrocodone user. He is very high functioning holds a job and takes care of his family. However, I have had enough. He has lied to me for 2 years, which I assume is just the normal for addicts. I hope rehab will help him, but I have my serious doubts. I also don't know how I am ever supposed to trust him again. Anyone have any similar experiences? Thanks all.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 93
Hi There,
I am not exactly in the same situation but I did stick around for 3 attempts with rehab with my ex. The one thing that I now can see is that regardless of how unkind or kind you are, the choice to stay clean will be "HIS" - I always had high hopes with no backup plan, you should have one to protect yourself if things go wrong. GL.
I am not exactly in the same situation but I did stick around for 3 attempts with rehab with my ex. The one thing that I now can see is that regardless of how unkind or kind you are, the choice to stay clean will be "HIS" - I always had high hopes with no backup plan, you should have one to protect yourself if things go wrong. GL.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 25
Mrmc27 - Welcome!
You have come to the right place. I just went through in-patient (he's in out-patient now) with my A.
IMO - rehab centers are not there for anyone but their client. If you need to talk go to Alanon, here or your own counselor. It will be heartbreaking if you think they will want to help you cope - they won't do anything except use you to get him sober.
I know this sounds harsh, I'm sorry, but I wish someone told me that ahead of time. I would not have wasted so much time and energy on him and his fragile state.
They will tell you everything is a suggestion and the A has to make the decision. Sometimes they make decisions that no longer involve you in their lives.
Sometimes, the A is nice and caring while in rehab and sometimes they will think you are the crazy one.
Reading about what an A/A goes through during the first year of sobriety helped me. I wish I would have stayed aloof and didn't confide in him. I regret that now.
Of course do what makes you feel comfortable.
I wish you well in your recovery.
"Take what you like and leave the rest."
~Alanon Saying
You have come to the right place. I just went through in-patient (he's in out-patient now) with my A.
IMO - rehab centers are not there for anyone but their client. If you need to talk go to Alanon, here or your own counselor. It will be heartbreaking if you think they will want to help you cope - they won't do anything except use you to get him sober.
I know this sounds harsh, I'm sorry, but I wish someone told me that ahead of time. I would not have wasted so much time and energy on him and his fragile state.
They will tell you everything is a suggestion and the A has to make the decision. Sometimes they make decisions that no longer involve you in their lives.
Sometimes, the A is nice and caring while in rehab and sometimes they will think you are the crazy one.
Reading about what an A/A goes through during the first year of sobriety helped me. I wish I would have stayed aloof and didn't confide in him. I regret that now.
Of course do what makes you feel comfortable.
I wish you well in your recovery.
"Take what you like and leave the rest."
~Alanon Saying
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 14
Silent Scout thank you for your words. They are helpful. Its nice to know somewhat to expect. We have a son who is now 11 weeks old. My husband has two girls from a previous marriage who are 14 and 11. We have them every other week for a week. Those girls have been a huge reason why I have stayed. I love them and can't imagine life without them.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
awwww! Congratulations on your new baby!
Unfortunately mrmc27 rehab is not a guarantee that your husband stay clean and work a program of recovery once he gets home. All rehab can do is provide him some tools to stay clean. It's up to him to use them. It's going to be a long road...
So I have lots of advice, based on my personal experience, for how to prepare yourself for when your husband gets out of rehab:
I recommend taking this opportunity to think really long and hard about what your personal boundaries are, what kind of behaviors you are willing to accept in your life and the life of your son, and what actions you will take if your boundaries are violated.
Boundaries, by the way, are "I" statements. They are not attempts to control someone elses behavior. Because you can't control someone elses behavior. All you can control is your own behavior and your responses to other peoples behavior.
By writing down your boundaries and the steps you will take if they are violated, you will have a guideline for what you will do when your husband gets out of rehab, should things not progress the way you like. I think it might give you some sense of stability and control over your own life. At the very least, it can serve as the basis for a plan for your future, no matter what your husband's choices are when it comes to using drugs again.
I truly believe that children are the ones that suffer most when it comes to addiction. So if you put your son's best interests first, and make wise choices based on his best interestes, then you can't go wrong. And, in my opinion and the opinion of professionals, it's NEVER in a childs best interest to be around someone who is high on drugs. Even if that person is their father.
You may also want to consider Al-anon or Nar-anon (support groups for family members of addicts). And you may want to read Co-Dependent No More by Melanie Beattie, which may help you identify unhealthy behaviors in yourself when it comes to dealing with your husbands addiction. Addiction is considered a family disease. Dealing with it can make family members, spouses and children of addicts just as sick as the addict themselves.
Whew! That was long. So anyway, welcome and keep reading and posting. There's lots of great information on this site that will help you and support you on your personal journey.
Unfortunately mrmc27 rehab is not a guarantee that your husband stay clean and work a program of recovery once he gets home. All rehab can do is provide him some tools to stay clean. It's up to him to use them. It's going to be a long road...
So I have lots of advice, based on my personal experience, for how to prepare yourself for when your husband gets out of rehab:
I recommend taking this opportunity to think really long and hard about what your personal boundaries are, what kind of behaviors you are willing to accept in your life and the life of your son, and what actions you will take if your boundaries are violated.
Boundaries, by the way, are "I" statements. They are not attempts to control someone elses behavior. Because you can't control someone elses behavior. All you can control is your own behavior and your responses to other peoples behavior.
By writing down your boundaries and the steps you will take if they are violated, you will have a guideline for what you will do when your husband gets out of rehab, should things not progress the way you like. I think it might give you some sense of stability and control over your own life. At the very least, it can serve as the basis for a plan for your future, no matter what your husband's choices are when it comes to using drugs again.
I truly believe that children are the ones that suffer most when it comes to addiction. So if you put your son's best interests first, and make wise choices based on his best interestes, then you can't go wrong. And, in my opinion and the opinion of professionals, it's NEVER in a childs best interest to be around someone who is high on drugs. Even if that person is their father.
You may also want to consider Al-anon or Nar-anon (support groups for family members of addicts). And you may want to read Co-Dependent No More by Melanie Beattie, which may help you identify unhealthy behaviors in yourself when it comes to dealing with your husbands addiction. Addiction is considered a family disease. Dealing with it can make family members, spouses and children of addicts just as sick as the addict themselves.
Whew! That was long. So anyway, welcome and keep reading and posting. There's lots of great information on this site that will help you and support you on your personal journey.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 14
Hello-Kitty...you words really make me think. I have actually been thinking a lot about my boundaries and what I will and will not put up with when he gets home. My son is my first and foremost concern. I will not bring him up in an environment filled with pills and alcohol. My husband was brought up in that and look what has happened to him. I don't know if it is too harsh or not but I truly think that if he relapses when he comes home I am done. I have just been hanging on a thread for the last month or so. I understand rehab is just the beginning and he has a lifetime of meetings and trying to stay sober. However, I just can't do it anymore. After he left yesterday to rehab I felt such a huge relief. No more worrying, no more fighting, no more alcohol or oxycodone in my home....I feel like I am going to have to do a lot of soul searching this next month or so....
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I will not bring him up in an environment filled with pills and alcohol.
ie. I will not bring my child up in an environment filled with pills and alcohol, therefore, is someone brings pills or alcohol into our home I will ________________.
It is important to be sure that the consequence for violating your boundary is something that you are firmly able to commit to and that you are willing to follow through on. Otherwise the boundary becomes an empty threat, and even a joke or a challenge to the person who violates.
There's lots of great information on setting personal boundaries on the internet. I wish you the best and look forward to your posts as you do your soul searching.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
Take the time to fix yourself as well while he is gone, because you are going to need the break from all the insanity he created while he was around.
My ABF is on day 3 out of 10 of detox, soon to be followed by 28 days of rehab.
I told him if someone offered me a 28 day vacation from my life, and to make me a better person at the end of it, I would jump at the chance. I am glad I don't have to though, because you can't take any music with you, and I would probably kill myself if I didn't have Linkin Park to keep me company.
My ABF is on day 3 out of 10 of detox, soon to be followed by 28 days of rehab.
I told him if someone offered me a 28 day vacation from my life, and to make me a better person at the end of it, I would jump at the chance. I am glad I don't have to though, because you can't take any music with you, and I would probably kill myself if I didn't have Linkin Park to keep me company.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: nashville tn
Posts: 30
Hello there mrmc. My RAH has been in and out of hospital 3 times in less than a year. I can relate. He has been out for a little over a week this time and just started a new parttime job. After three long years I finally attended an alanon meeting this week while he was at his AA meeting and learned so much. I also saw a therapist who recommended the same book Kitty did. Will be getting it this weekend. I have learned that I cannot do this on my own and that he can love me but still be an addict. My boundaries have been set and he knows what they are. Good luck and godspeed. This forum is here for you. 
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