RAH says "This is what you get now"
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: London
Posts: 16
RAH says "This is what you get now"
My RAH has been in recovery for a little over six months now. Most of that time he has been living quite a few thousand miles away from me and our children (I told him he had to leave), but he is now starting to visit for a week or ten days most months. He stays in the spare room.
I know from having read many heart breaking posts on this wonderful forum that in the scheme of things, he could have been a lot worse when he was drinking, but the fact remains that as the years went on things got increasingly bad and in the last few years he became emotionally and verbally abusive. I was definitely scared that he would become physically abusive whilst drunk (he started throwing things, slamming doors violently etc). I was constantly treading on eggshells, I was anxious when I got home from work as to what I would find, I was anxious when I came downstairs from putting our children to bed as to what state of drunkenness/anger/passed out/sarcasm I would find him in. Etc etc. So many of you have been there and more.
Now, when he visits, he is on the face of it the "great guy" that so many A's can show themselves to be. He's being funny, helpful, generous and to an outsider I'm sure he'd look like one of these salt of the earth people. A couple of days ago he looked at me and said "This is what you get now".
So - why do I still feel scared of him. I know I have a fear of relapse. I also have a fear that he might suddenly flip and do something truly crazy and awful just like you read in the papers - especially if I did tell him the marriage was over. I feel I can sense an underlying sense of anger and resentment in him. I am pretty sure that his emotional intelligence is a long way from where it should be. Am I being paranoid? We are in this horrible limbo land - he knows that he needs to work on his recovery and I need to work on mine before we can even think about wanting to get back together again. I know that, without articulating it, other members of our family, with the best of intentions, would love us to get back together again and I can feel him or them wanting to say "he's got sober, he's done what you asked him to do, why don't you let him back?"
I know I am the sort of person that does a lot of people pleasing. I don't want to let anyone down or be seen as the bad person. My children miss their daddy and tell me they want him to come back to live with us "for ever". I also know that my gut feel is that, having broken free of what I went through, I don't really want to go back to it. Life as a single mother is incredibly hard, but I am happier than I have been in many years, even though I still love this crazy guy (does that make me crazy?) - because I am on my own.
I guess what I'm asking is even if he did truly get better, is it okay for me to say, actually, even though he has done everything I asked/suggested he needed to do when I told him to leave, that what I went through was enough of a reason to say I don't want to go back into that marriage?? My head knows that the answer to this question is "yes", but my heart and gut are all churned up trying to figure this one out.
By the way I go to Alanon every week when I can (I think Alanon has kept me "sane" through all of this) and I saw a wonderful therapist for a few months and I know I can go back to seeing her again in the future. But it's good to be able to come to the wonderful world of SR too and to learn from you wonderful people.
Thanks for letting me download a bit of what keeps going through my head.
Senseofagoose
I know from having read many heart breaking posts on this wonderful forum that in the scheme of things, he could have been a lot worse when he was drinking, but the fact remains that as the years went on things got increasingly bad and in the last few years he became emotionally and verbally abusive. I was definitely scared that he would become physically abusive whilst drunk (he started throwing things, slamming doors violently etc). I was constantly treading on eggshells, I was anxious when I got home from work as to what I would find, I was anxious when I came downstairs from putting our children to bed as to what state of drunkenness/anger/passed out/sarcasm I would find him in. Etc etc. So many of you have been there and more.
Now, when he visits, he is on the face of it the "great guy" that so many A's can show themselves to be. He's being funny, helpful, generous and to an outsider I'm sure he'd look like one of these salt of the earth people. A couple of days ago he looked at me and said "This is what you get now".
So - why do I still feel scared of him. I know I have a fear of relapse. I also have a fear that he might suddenly flip and do something truly crazy and awful just like you read in the papers - especially if I did tell him the marriage was over. I feel I can sense an underlying sense of anger and resentment in him. I am pretty sure that his emotional intelligence is a long way from where it should be. Am I being paranoid? We are in this horrible limbo land - he knows that he needs to work on his recovery and I need to work on mine before we can even think about wanting to get back together again. I know that, without articulating it, other members of our family, with the best of intentions, would love us to get back together again and I can feel him or them wanting to say "he's got sober, he's done what you asked him to do, why don't you let him back?"
I know I am the sort of person that does a lot of people pleasing. I don't want to let anyone down or be seen as the bad person. My children miss their daddy and tell me they want him to come back to live with us "for ever". I also know that my gut feel is that, having broken free of what I went through, I don't really want to go back to it. Life as a single mother is incredibly hard, but I am happier than I have been in many years, even though I still love this crazy guy (does that make me crazy?) - because I am on my own.
I guess what I'm asking is even if he did truly get better, is it okay for me to say, actually, even though he has done everything I asked/suggested he needed to do when I told him to leave, that what I went through was enough of a reason to say I don't want to go back into that marriage?? My head knows that the answer to this question is "yes", but my heart and gut are all churned up trying to figure this one out.
By the way I go to Alanon every week when I can (I think Alanon has kept me "sane" through all of this) and I saw a wonderful therapist for a few months and I know I can go back to seeing her again in the future. But it's good to be able to come to the wonderful world of SR too and to learn from you wonderful people.
Thanks for letting me download a bit of what keeps going through my head.
Senseofagoose
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I believe you can take the time you need to get an answer that gives you peace. Alanon, counseling and time may all help you get your head/heart on the same page.
Sending you encouragement as you continue to work on Your Recovery.
Sending you encouragement as you continue to work on Your Recovery.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Senseofagoose, I salute how far you have come, already. This, alone, speaks of the inner strength that you do have.
This above all else: "To Thy Own Self BE True"
I can hear that you are still struggling with the fear of conflict with others--the fear of them being dissatisfied, or critical, or angry with you. This is so understandable, of course. You are smart enough to know that this requires continuing work within yourself (yea! for you). The bravest thing you will ever do is to continue this path.
Invariably, this exploration will lead back to your relationships and experiences within your family of origin.
As for the well-meaning family members, I can offer my own experience with this. Entering into long discussions or "debate" on this issue only made my frustration worse. I kept a few automatic responses in my pocket for deflecting these discussions. For example: I would smile sweetly and say "Oh, I can understand where you are coming from, but it really is more complicated than that--please,let's not talk about it right now". That would usually stop most people. For those that were more insistent, I would say "You know that there is an old saying that nobody really knows what goes on in a marriage unless they live under the bed" That stops them. If you stay consistent, people will eventually get used to your new boundries.
Just keep your faith and be true to yourself.
dandylion
This above all else: "To Thy Own Self BE True"
I can hear that you are still struggling with the fear of conflict with others--the fear of them being dissatisfied, or critical, or angry with you. This is so understandable, of course. You are smart enough to know that this requires continuing work within yourself (yea! for you). The bravest thing you will ever do is to continue this path.
Invariably, this exploration will lead back to your relationships and experiences within your family of origin.
As for the well-meaning family members, I can offer my own experience with this. Entering into long discussions or "debate" on this issue only made my frustration worse. I kept a few automatic responses in my pocket for deflecting these discussions. For example: I would smile sweetly and say "Oh, I can understand where you are coming from, but it really is more complicated than that--please,let's not talk about it right now". That would usually stop most people. For those that were more insistent, I would say "You know that there is an old saying that nobody really knows what goes on in a marriage unless they live under the bed" That stops them. If you stay consistent, people will eventually get used to your new boundries.
Just keep your faith and be true to yourself.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I'm guessing that it took years to get to this place where you find yourself. Years of building mistrust (whether you liked it or not 
), emotional & verbal attacks, years of your nerves slowly shredding.
I personally think it's unrealistic to expect that all that gets erased after 6 months no matter how well he has taken to recovery & working his program. At 6 months you're only just starting to truly interact with each other again, it's kind of like meeting someone new that you're SURE you've met before because pieces of the "old" them keep showing through. I/we still struggle with this after more than a year. Take it easy on yourself & move at a pace that feels right to YOU, you don't owe anyone any explanations about any of it.
), emotional & verbal attacks, years of your nerves slowly shredding. I personally think it's unrealistic to expect that all that gets erased after 6 months no matter how well he has taken to recovery & working his program. At 6 months you're only just starting to truly interact with each other again, it's kind of like meeting someone new that you're SURE you've met before because pieces of the "old" them keep showing through. I/we still struggle with this after more than a year. Take it easy on yourself & move at a pace that feels right to YOU, you don't owe anyone any explanations about any of it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: London
Posts: 16
Thank you all so much - you are all such wise people and all your words have really helped me. It is indeed early days and to use an alanon slogan, I probably need to remember that "easy does it". Incidentally, on the same day he said "this is what you get now" he also said that while he knew he could never have another drink, his psychotherapist had said that he probably isn't an alcoholic. Hmm. Alarm bell ringing.
I shall continue working on my own recovery - thank you for reminding me: to thine own self be true
Senseofagoose
I shall continue working on my own recovery - thank you for reminding me: to thine own self be true
Senseofagoose
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Senseofagoose, this is a bit off topic---but---I feel compelled to comment on your nickname. I just Lovvvvve it!.
It takes me back to my childhood, when my grandmother would say, after someone had done some idiotic thing: "They don't have the sense of a goose!". I always wondered just how much sense does a goose have? I never had the courage to ask, because, sometimes, I had done the idiotic thing under discussion. So, I have remained under-informed on this subject for my entirety!
Perhaps you can shed some light on this for me? :rotfxko
dandylion (a lover of feathered friends)
It takes me back to my childhood, when my grandmother would say, after someone had done some idiotic thing: "They don't have the sense of a goose!". I always wondered just how much sense does a goose have? I never had the courage to ask, because, sometimes, I had done the idiotic thing under discussion. So, I have remained under-informed on this subject for my entirety!
Perhaps you can shed some light on this for me? :rotfxko
dandylion (a lover of feathered friends)
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Thanks for sharing your story here on SR! I'm so glad you have Al-Anon support too!
I would like you to think more about the "this is what you get now" comment. You were there, and heard and saw it in 3D. I don't know what comments or actions preceded it, or whose they were. On this printed page, it doesn't come off as humble. It seems like a bit of "salesmanship." Would a "Thank You for noticing" or a "My pleasure" have been sufficient? Humility is the central thought of the Twelve Steps. Working the program bears fruit for all to see.
Your sensing anger and resentment in him is probably right. Being kicked out of the house and rejected would do that, and he has to deal with the fact that he played 100% of his part in putting himself in that spot. He likely isn't even close to going through Steps 4 and 5 where he would address those feelings, let alone to Steps 8 and 9.
In any event, it's great that you're articulating your feelings. You ARE in limbo land. AA says to give recovery at least ONE year before making major decisions. Al-Anon says at least 6-9 months from the start of Your recovery. Have the kids who are old enough gone to Alateen yet?
It sounds like you still have work to do on your fears, people pleasing issues (an adult child of alcoholic's trait; not saying you are), accepting, and your relationship. Give yourself more time to do that, at least 3 months, in Al-Anon and individual counseling. You don't have to make any BIG decision on the marriage in this state. Waiting, holding-off and deferring is an action, as we say in Al-Anon. In the meantime, maybe you could start looking into marriage/relationship counseling folks (who also have addiction expertise) for when the time is right to explore that with him and for the kids' sake. Usually MC is not indicated during early recovery. It is put on the back burner.
Take what you liked and leave the rest.
Peace.
I would like you to think more about the "this is what you get now" comment. You were there, and heard and saw it in 3D. I don't know what comments or actions preceded it, or whose they were. On this printed page, it doesn't come off as humble. It seems like a bit of "salesmanship." Would a "Thank You for noticing" or a "My pleasure" have been sufficient? Humility is the central thought of the Twelve Steps. Working the program bears fruit for all to see.
Your sensing anger and resentment in him is probably right. Being kicked out of the house and rejected would do that, and he has to deal with the fact that he played 100% of his part in putting himself in that spot. He likely isn't even close to going through Steps 4 and 5 where he would address those feelings, let alone to Steps 8 and 9.
In any event, it's great that you're articulating your feelings. You ARE in limbo land. AA says to give recovery at least ONE year before making major decisions. Al-Anon says at least 6-9 months from the start of Your recovery. Have the kids who are old enough gone to Alateen yet?
It sounds like you still have work to do on your fears, people pleasing issues (an adult child of alcoholic's trait; not saying you are), accepting, and your relationship. Give yourself more time to do that, at least 3 months, in Al-Anon and individual counseling. You don't have to make any BIG decision on the marriage in this state. Waiting, holding-off and deferring is an action, as we say in Al-Anon. In the meantime, maybe you could start looking into marriage/relationship counseling folks (who also have addiction expertise) for when the time is right to explore that with him and for the kids' sake. Usually MC is not indicated during early recovery. It is put on the back burner.
Take what you liked and leave the rest.
Peace.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
To Thine Own Self be True -
Wonderful Wise words -
As far as those precious children - yes most children want momma & daddy together - because it looks normal and they love them - unconditionally ~
but then again most kids want chocolate cake for breakfast, to never do their homework, to stay up way past their bed time, play video games, ride bikes and other fun things 24/7
AND we as the healthy parent see that what they want is not always what is in their best interest . . .
The heartbreaker for me is when I realized I had taught my 5 daughters what behaviors to accept from their boyfriends/future husbands by what I tolerated from my AH.
The greatest gift I can give myself and others is self-respect, dignity and love ~
Just my e, s, & h ~
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Wonderful Wise words -
As far as those precious children - yes most children want momma & daddy together - because it looks normal and they love them - unconditionally ~
but then again most kids want chocolate cake for breakfast, to never do their homework, to stay up way past their bed time, play video games, ride bikes and other fun things 24/7
AND we as the healthy parent see that what they want is not always what is in their best interest . . .
The heartbreaker for me is when I realized I had taught my 5 daughters what behaviors to accept from their boyfriends/future husbands by what I tolerated from my AH.
The greatest gift I can give myself and others is self-respect, dignity and love ~
Just my e, s, & h ~
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I was married to an alcoholic who also was violent to "things": kitchen cabinets, walls, fences, when he was drunk. Your AH has shown he is capable of that and more, with the throwing things and slamming doors in the home. If I were in your situation, knowing of your alcoholic husband's volatile and potentially violent personality when drinking, I would never never allow him to be back in the home with so little time sober. Never. Not knowing what I know now. Unfortunately most of us are flying blind with alcoholism in the family.
My naivete resulted in my being in the home when my exAH--after three months of white-knuckle sobriety--drank again and the violence turned on me. It takes almost nothing to set it off. For me, it was coming back from a trip a day early. No fight. No accusation. I walked in, he was drunk, I said hello and quietly went upstairs. And he came after me. It does not take much, to inflame an alcoholic with violence inside him.
Those who want you to let him stay there, take him back, pick up where you left off and just love him and give him a break because he's trying so hard and being so good: they are asking you to live with a time bomb, in my opinion.
I would never let an alcoholic who has acted out violence on anything--object or animal or person--back into the home without two solid years clean and sober. Violent behavior in an alcoholic is not to be minimized. And all it will take for that to come back is just one drink.
And he is statistically likely to take that drink in this time of early sobriety.
I would allow visits only with another adult in the home during your AH's visit, for a set period of time, determined by a judge as a condition of a legal separation.
You are playing with fire. His past behavior needs to be a warning to you.
My naivete resulted in my being in the home when my exAH--after three months of white-knuckle sobriety--drank again and the violence turned on me. It takes almost nothing to set it off. For me, it was coming back from a trip a day early. No fight. No accusation. I walked in, he was drunk, I said hello and quietly went upstairs. And he came after me. It does not take much, to inflame an alcoholic with violence inside him.
Those who want you to let him stay there, take him back, pick up where you left off and just love him and give him a break because he's trying so hard and being so good: they are asking you to live with a time bomb, in my opinion.
I would never let an alcoholic who has acted out violence on anything--object or animal or person--back into the home without two solid years clean and sober. Violent behavior in an alcoholic is not to be minimized. And all it will take for that to come back is just one drink.
And he is statistically likely to take that drink in this time of early sobriety.
I would allow visits only with another adult in the home during your AH's visit, for a set period of time, determined by a judge as a condition of a legal separation.
You are playing with fire. His past behavior needs to be a warning to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: California
Posts: 99
Wow...my husband said the same thing about 60 days clean... more accurately he said "you get the new and much better version of me..."
a week later we had a fight and he became physically intimidating (like he was going to hit me) and literally shoved his rear end in my face (he is 40 - these were "old behaviors i thought were over) at 110 days he relapsed. you have every right to your feelings and have been given great advice here...
the last time i talked to him i told him.. "i believe NOTHING you say... i only look at your actions..."
i feel for you...your gut instinct is trying to warn you like mine did
a week later we had a fight and he became physically intimidating (like he was going to hit me) and literally shoved his rear end in my face (he is 40 - these were "old behaviors i thought were over) at 110 days he relapsed. you have every right to your feelings and have been given great advice here...
the last time i talked to him i told him.. "i believe NOTHING you say... i only look at your actions..."
i feel for you...your gut instinct is trying to warn you like mine did
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
"I guess what I'm asking is even if he did truly get better, is it okay for me to say, actually, even though he has done everything I asked/suggested he needed to do when I told him to leave, that what I went through was enough of a reason to say I don't want to go back into that marriage?? My head knows that the answer to this question is "yes", but my heart and gut are all churned up trying to figure this one out."
It took a LOT of AlAnon and reading recovery literature and this place to help me to understand that it is perfectly acceptable and even NORMAL to take care of myself and do what I want instead of what others want or think would be best for me. The fact that I loved/love my ex does not mean that I have to live with him. The farther away from his craziness that I get (2 1/2) years now the more I see that I don't want any part of that ever again.
It took a LOT of AlAnon and reading recovery literature and this place to help me to understand that it is perfectly acceptable and even NORMAL to take care of myself and do what I want instead of what others want or think would be best for me. The fact that I loved/love my ex does not mean that I have to live with him. The farther away from his craziness that I get (2 1/2) years now the more I see that I don't want any part of that ever again.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
If you're asking that, then consider this version (internally too) which seems more You focused and less blaming:
"I like the way my life has been these last 2 & 1/2 years. I am happy for you and all the progress you've made in recovery. And I do love the person you are. To continue my relationship with you, it must be one where we live in separate places though. I really am sorry that I can't live together."
Just a thought.
"I like the way my life has been these last 2 & 1/2 years. I am happy for you and all the progress you've made in recovery. And I do love the person you are. To continue my relationship with you, it must be one where we live in separate places though. I really am sorry that I can't live together."
Just a thought.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I can only share my ES&H as both an RA and a recovering codie. I never told anyone "this is what you get". I busted my a$$ in being responsible, accountable and all that other stuff. I do remember, several months (maybe a year or more?) when my dad threw my past in my face, I said "I am not that person any more".
Obviously, my dad/stepmom and other family members remembered the "old me", before addiction took over. Today? I'm the new-and-improved version of that person, thanks to recovery.
My stepmom is an A, my dad is a codie. I live with them, but I do my best not to get sucked into their illnesses. The best I can do is lead by example. I've never said "this is what you get", I've SHOWN them through my actions, and I have to say...they really like and depend on the me I have become.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Obviously, my dad/stepmom and other family members remembered the "old me", before addiction took over. Today? I'm the new-and-improved version of that person, thanks to recovery.
My stepmom is an A, my dad is a codie. I live with them, but I do my best not to get sucked into their illnesses. The best I can do is lead by example. I've never said "this is what you get", I've SHOWN them through my actions, and I have to say...they really like and depend on the me I have become.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: London
Posts: 16
Thank you all so much; I am currently travelling so it's difficult to respond in detail but your words are truly invaluable to me. I really need to consider my safety and that of my precious children as part of my recovery - and I think I do now know the answer to the question in my original post - you have all helped me see things through a clearer lens. Thank you, as always.
Senseofagoose.
Senseofagoose.
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
If you can't ever forgive him for what he has done, that is his issue, not yours. At least you are being honest if that ends up being the case. Don't stay with him out of guilt and be more and more angry every day.
Relapse, in itself, is not so scary. It's part of the disease. There is a 90% chance it will happen. For me, personally, the scary part is what comes AFTER the relapse. So you got drunk last night. Are you going to do the right thing and get back on the wagon tonight, or are you going to continue to drink, because you already messed up once?
You can take as much time as you need. Time to be sure he is serious, time to heal from the craziness he caused, time to ease back into some kind of routine with him around. It's okay, and if he was serious, he would understand that you need time.
Relapse, in itself, is not so scary. It's part of the disease. There is a 90% chance it will happen. For me, personally, the scary part is what comes AFTER the relapse. So you got drunk last night. Are you going to do the right thing and get back on the wagon tonight, or are you going to continue to drink, because you already messed up once?
You can take as much time as you need. Time to be sure he is serious, time to heal from the craziness he caused, time to ease back into some kind of routine with him around. It's okay, and if he was serious, he would understand that you need time.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
If you don't want back in the marriage you don't want back in the marriage. some people leave and they haven't been through half of what you've lived. Sometimes damage is just irreparable. But only YOU know.
Originally Posted by Senseofagoose 
My RAH has been in recovery for a little over six months now. Most of that time he has been living quite a few thousand miles away from me and our children (I told him he had to leave), but he is now starting to visit for a week or ten days most months. He stays in the spare room.
I know from having read many heart breaking posts on this wonderful forum that in the scheme of things, he could have been a lot worse when he was drinking, but the fact remains that as the years went on things got increasingly bad and in the last few years he became emotionally and verbally abusive. I was definitely scared that he would become physically abusive whilst drunk (he started throwing things, slamming doors violently etc). I was constantly treading on eggshells, I was anxious when I got home from work as to what I would find, I was anxious when I came downstairs from putting our children to bed as to what state of drunkenness/anger/passed out/sarcasm I would find him in. Etc etc. So many of you have been there and more.
Now, when he visits, he is on the face of it the "great guy" that so many A's can show themselves to be. He's being funny, helpful, generous and to an outsider I'm sure he'd look like one of these salt of the earth people. A couple of days ago he looked at me and said "This is what you get now".
So - why do I still feel scared of him. I know I have a fear of relapse. I also have a fear that he might suddenly flip and do something truly crazy and awful just like you read in the papers - especially if I did tell him the marriage was over. I feel I can sense an underlying sense of anger and resentment in him. I am pretty sure that his emotional intelligence is a long way from where it should be. Am I being paranoid? We are in this horrible limbo land - he knows that he needs to work on his recovery and I need to work on mine before we can even think about wanting to get back together again. I know that, without articulating it, other members of our family, with the best of intentions, would love us to get back together again and I can feel him or them wanting to say "he's got sober, he's done what you asked him to do, why don't you let him back?"
I know I am the sort of person that does a lot of people pleasing. I don't want to let anyone down or be seen as the bad person. My children miss their daddy and tell me they want him to come back to live with us "for ever". I also know that my gut feel is that, having broken free of what I went through, I don't really want to go back to it. Life as a single mother is incredibly hard, but I am happier than I have been in many years, even though I still love this crazy guy (does that make me crazy?) - because I am on my own.
I guess what I'm asking is even if he did truly get better, is it okay for me to say, actually, even though he has done everything I asked/suggested he needed to do when I told him to leave, that what I went through was enough of a reason to say I don't want to go back into that marriage?? My head knows that the answer to this question is "yes", but my heart and gut are all churned up trying to figure this one out.
By the way I go to Alanon every week when I can (I think Alanon has kept me "sane" through all of this) and I saw a wonderful therapist for a few months and I know I can go back to seeing her again in the future. But it's good to be able to come to the wonderful world of SR too and to learn from you wonderful people.
Thanks for letting me download a bit of what keeps going through my head.
Senseofagoose
I know from having read many heart breaking posts on this wonderful forum that in the scheme of things, he could have been a lot worse when he was drinking, but the fact remains that as the years went on things got increasingly bad and in the last few years he became emotionally and verbally abusive. I was definitely scared that he would become physically abusive whilst drunk (he started throwing things, slamming doors violently etc). I was constantly treading on eggshells, I was anxious when I got home from work as to what I would find, I was anxious when I came downstairs from putting our children to bed as to what state of drunkenness/anger/passed out/sarcasm I would find him in. Etc etc. So many of you have been there and more.
Now, when he visits, he is on the face of it the "great guy" that so many A's can show themselves to be. He's being funny, helpful, generous and to an outsider I'm sure he'd look like one of these salt of the earth people. A couple of days ago he looked at me and said "This is what you get now".
So - why do I still feel scared of him. I know I have a fear of relapse. I also have a fear that he might suddenly flip and do something truly crazy and awful just like you read in the papers - especially if I did tell him the marriage was over. I feel I can sense an underlying sense of anger and resentment in him. I am pretty sure that his emotional intelligence is a long way from where it should be. Am I being paranoid? We are in this horrible limbo land - he knows that he needs to work on his recovery and I need to work on mine before we can even think about wanting to get back together again. I know that, without articulating it, other members of our family, with the best of intentions, would love us to get back together again and I can feel him or them wanting to say "he's got sober, he's done what you asked him to do, why don't you let him back?"
I know I am the sort of person that does a lot of people pleasing. I don't want to let anyone down or be seen as the bad person. My children miss their daddy and tell me they want him to come back to live with us "for ever". I also know that my gut feel is that, having broken free of what I went through, I don't really want to go back to it. Life as a single mother is incredibly hard, but I am happier than I have been in many years, even though I still love this crazy guy (does that make me crazy?) - because I am on my own.
I guess what I'm asking is even if he did truly get better, is it okay for me to say, actually, even though he has done everything I asked/suggested he needed to do when I told him to leave, that what I went through was enough of a reason to say I don't want to go back into that marriage?? My head knows that the answer to this question is "yes", but my heart and gut are all churned up trying to figure this one out.
By the way I go to Alanon every week when I can (I think Alanon has kept me "sane" through all of this) and I saw a wonderful therapist for a few months and I know I can go back to seeing her again in the future. But it's good to be able to come to the wonderful world of SR too and to learn from you wonderful people.
Thanks for letting me download a bit of what keeps going through my head.
Senseofagoose
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: South Shore, MA
Posts: 13
Wow! I feel like I wrote this exact post. I am going through ALL of the SAME things you described.... my AH is out of the house getting day tx help and attending AA.... I set a boundary of 6 months (at least... could be more) but my gut is telling me things will end up exactly how they have been the past 2 years as soon as he returns under this roof. He's totally playing the "good guy" role right now and already trying to manipulate things so he can come back sooner. It's awful! My kids are little and my 5 year old has been through a lot b/c of all of this, but is so sad his daddy is gone.
My thoughts are with you and I feel your pain (immensely!).... if you find any insight, please share b/c my questions about the future are the exact same!
My thoughts are with you and I feel your pain (immensely!).... if you find any insight, please share b/c my questions about the future are the exact same!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Hi
I may write a longer post later, but...just wanted to say:
I did it. I made him leave ven tho he got sober.
It was not a popular decision to the fringe friends and family who know nothing of or are ignorant to the sways and roller coaster that still comes after they get sober.
He is entitled, moody, beset. He has to work hard just to have a good day, and I found that when he was gone I was able to have great days again. I wanted to keep my great days. For me and our son.
When he was at the 6 mo. Mark, it was still pretty bad. He was a real mess.
Now, he is a little better. But, still controlling, still entitled.
I had so many people out there saying, "what more do you want? He got sober!"
Well. I made a list of "what more I wanted." just for me. Just my list.
And I found out it was the same list I had when he drank, just now alcohol is not a convenient reason to explain all the neglect...emotional, etc.
That's all I got for now.
Be strong
I may write a longer post later, but...just wanted to say:
I did it. I made him leave ven tho he got sober.
It was not a popular decision to the fringe friends and family who know nothing of or are ignorant to the sways and roller coaster that still comes after they get sober.
He is entitled, moody, beset. He has to work hard just to have a good day, and I found that when he was gone I was able to have great days again. I wanted to keep my great days. For me and our son.
When he was at the 6 mo. Mark, it was still pretty bad. He was a real mess.
Now, he is a little better. But, still controlling, still entitled.
I had so many people out there saying, "what more do you want? He got sober!"
Well. I made a list of "what more I wanted." just for me. Just my list.
And I found out it was the same list I had when he drank, just now alcohol is not a convenient reason to explain all the neglect...emotional, etc.
That's all I got for now.
Be strong
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
What I am about to write I know some people will disagree with; but it is my experience and I would like to share in case it could help in some small way.
My husband is almost 6 months clean. We were separated for a year before for he came home and asked for help in ending his addiction. He was very sick – hooked on opiates, benzo (Xanax) and coke. He entered a non-12 step rehab and spent three months inpatient, with some outpatient. While I did not really experience the verbal, emotional abuse that you described; we did have specific troubles in our marriage due to our time apart.
What I believe helped us the most is that his rehab encouraged family to get involved in the process. Initially he focused his recovery all on himself; he worked with various psychiatrists on a daily basis. At the same time, I worked with a family therapist several times a week. After his doctors felt he was ready, we began couples therapy together in addition to the individual sessions. I think that the combination of individual / couples therapy made a significant difference for both of us.
I will say this in two points; one is that we were each able to face our own failures & responsibilities, and we learned how to be open and honest, and talk about it. Second, it removed the fear, it removed hidden emotions that I might have otherwise let fester afraid to disturb his recovery, or thinking I alone needed to deal with it. It made us realize that although we are separate individuals and each need care independently; we were also choosing to be together as partners; and therefore there should be a healthy interdependence between us; much different than unhealthy codependence.
At six months we are back together; with our infant son. We are still working on individual, and couples therapy. I know that we still have a ways to go; but I truly feel closer to him for the experience we have shared. I also realize he could relapse, and so I know the fear you speak of. That is something we have discussed, we have plans in place set up with the help of the professionals, and the rest I pray about and leave to God.
So all of that to say this, despite this being the early days of recovery for your husband, and you – couples therapy might also be helpful at this point. It might help ease your fears, and lead to closure on many of the resentments he feels.
I admittedly had some resentment towards my husband; feeling like his drug use; his actions were the cause of bad decisions / mistakes I made in that year apart. But what I realized through my therapy was I was responsible for my actions regardless of what he did; it all came down to how I handled things; it was my responsibility . I recently made this post if you care to read:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-thinking.html
I also want to reaffirm that I feel you have the right to make the best choices for you. So, if too much has happened; and there is no foundation left for your relationship; then you are fully in your rights to leave the marriage. You deserve happiness in your life.
I wish the best for you, and your family.
My husband is almost 6 months clean. We were separated for a year before for he came home and asked for help in ending his addiction. He was very sick – hooked on opiates, benzo (Xanax) and coke. He entered a non-12 step rehab and spent three months inpatient, with some outpatient. While I did not really experience the verbal, emotional abuse that you described; we did have specific troubles in our marriage due to our time apart.
What I believe helped us the most is that his rehab encouraged family to get involved in the process. Initially he focused his recovery all on himself; he worked with various psychiatrists on a daily basis. At the same time, I worked with a family therapist several times a week. After his doctors felt he was ready, we began couples therapy together in addition to the individual sessions. I think that the combination of individual / couples therapy made a significant difference for both of us.
I will say this in two points; one is that we were each able to face our own failures & responsibilities, and we learned how to be open and honest, and talk about it. Second, it removed the fear, it removed hidden emotions that I might have otherwise let fester afraid to disturb his recovery, or thinking I alone needed to deal with it. It made us realize that although we are separate individuals and each need care independently; we were also choosing to be together as partners; and therefore there should be a healthy interdependence between us; much different than unhealthy codependence.
At six months we are back together; with our infant son. We are still working on individual, and couples therapy. I know that we still have a ways to go; but I truly feel closer to him for the experience we have shared. I also realize he could relapse, and so I know the fear you speak of. That is something we have discussed, we have plans in place set up with the help of the professionals, and the rest I pray about and leave to God.
So all of that to say this, despite this being the early days of recovery for your husband, and you – couples therapy might also be helpful at this point. It might help ease your fears, and lead to closure on many of the resentments he feels.
I admittedly had some resentment towards my husband; feeling like his drug use; his actions were the cause of bad decisions / mistakes I made in that year apart. But what I realized through my therapy was I was responsible for my actions regardless of what he did; it all came down to how I handled things; it was my responsibility . I recently made this post if you care to read:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-thinking.html
I also want to reaffirm that I feel you have the right to make the best choices for you. So, if too much has happened; and there is no foundation left for your relationship; then you are fully in your rights to leave the marriage. You deserve happiness in your life.
I wish the best for you, and your family.
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