He is doing something but I don't know what
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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He is doing something but I don't know what
Hi All - I just joined the forum and I am glad I found it because I am in a situation that I don't have a clue how to proceed.
My fiance and I got engaged and moved in together 2 years ago - it was a very fast courtship. We new each other as children and then 30 years later met again via Facebook.
Jeff, when I met him in 2010, had been sober for 5 years. His path to sobriety started in 1998 then finally set in after after his alcoholism had caused him health issues to the point that he would die if he didn't stop. He has chronic pancreatitis and is an insulin dependent diabetic. He also has a host of other issues, he is bi-polar II as well as having an anxiety disorder and OCD. The bi-polar is being effectively treated with medication he struggles with the other 2. He does not attend AA, he did for 3 years and stopped. We went to one meeting together to pick up a yearly chip that was almost 2 years ago.
Jeff is addicted to pain killers. They are prescribed for the chronic pancreatitits. He is also addicted to xanax for the anxiety disorder. Rehab to get off these drugs in our first year was a constant topic, however; with every doctor that said it could be done with his health issues there was another Doctor that said he would never be able to . I got him as close as an interview with an excellent Rehab facility here - they wanted him to come in immediately and he said he wasn't ready. I felt that forcing him to do something he didn't want to do would be fruitless. He decided to start lowering the amount of what he was taking, which he has done, and that subject has not been broached again for at least a year or more.
Which brings us to where we are now. When Jeff and I first got together he was passionate about his sobriety (I refer only to alcohol here). It was something he spoke of often, something he was proud of, something that made him angry when her heard of a drunk driving accident, something that he would talk about for lengthy conversations in educating me about the 12 step program and what it took for him to become sober. I am not an alcoholic. I do drink occasionally. We do not keep alcohol in the house. We do not go to clubs, we do not go to bars, our friends are not heavy drinkers nor do they drink at most occasions we attend. When we got engaged I offered to stop drinking completely because its just not important to me. Jeff said that he had no problem if I had a glass of wine with dinner or if we were at a function - his rule being that getting drunk or buzzed will not be tolerated. And that's how it is been - All total this year I have had 3 glasses of wine.
About two months ago we were out to dinner. A great client of mine had asked to stop by a restaurant where he was to meet Jeff. We came into the restaurant and sat with her and her friends. They had clearly been drinking as were having a good time. Immediately our hostess had the waiter pour me a glass of wine and Jeff ordered a coffee (she knew Jeff is sober). I didn't want my wine so I pushed it away - we stayed for about 30 minutes had a nice conversation with she and her friends, laughed a lot and left. That night Jeff said to me that all he could smell at the table was alcohol - everyone was drinking wine and there were a couple bottles on the table. This progressed into him saying that he had been thinking lately that he would like to have a drink occasionally. That he felt after all this time he could have one here and there and how he would like for us to be able to go to a bar and have a drink together and relax. I don't know how I stayed calm but I did and we had a calm conversation of how that was just not possible to which he agreed that it starts with one and where he would end back up. We had that conversation on more than one occasion then he dropped it.
About a month ago Jeff came by my work and when he kissed me goodbye I thought I smelled alcohol. I told him and he said I don't know what you are smelling but its not alcohol - we kind of laughed it off at that. But my radar went up. We had to go to a black tie function for work about 3 weeks ago. THis is not the first time we have done this. When we left I noticed a change in Jeff's demeanor that was just different. I asked him if he had been drinking and he said no of course not. I had a cocktail at the function and he said if you smell anything its yourself. I said I don't smell anything Jeff, but you are acting weird. He said no I am not - you must be drunk - not off one drink 2 hours ago was my response. Again we dropped it at that.
Which brings me to last Saturday. I had an all day work event which ended in a party. Jeff decided he did not want to go. This is common for him and was fine with me. When I called him on my way home I detected something in his speech. It wasn't terribly obvious but it was there. He was giddy when I got home at Midnight - slightly loopy but not so much so that I could say what the hell. I went to bed exhausted. he came to bed much later (which is normal he is a late nighter). He leaned over to kiss me not realizing I had woken up and BAM he reeeked of alcohol. I was immobilized - I kept saying to myself No No No its not possible. I waited till he fell asleep and smelled and yes it was possible.
The next morning I got up on a mission and started looking at my house with new eyes. The first think I noticed is there is mouthwash everywhere. Next to the kitchen sink, 3 bottles in the bathroom and after searching our cars a bottle in each car. I loked in our living area for hidden liquor - I didn't find any. But when I opened the cabinet where we keep our glasses I see a medium sized bottle of ginger ale 2/3 gone. We don't drink soda - and if you knew OCD Jeff you would know that he would NEVER put a soda or whatever in the cabinet it would go in the fridge. You would also know that his drink of choice was captain and ginger.
Over the past two weeks I have noticed that Jeff goes in and out of our bedroom often at night. He always says he is looking for/and or doing something that just doesn't make sense. This happened last night - in out in our in out about every 20 minutes. I followed him in once and he was in our bathroom with the door shut and I could here him screwing on a cap. He heard me come in and when he came out he said "do you know where my flonase is I can't find it" - I said beside your bed and he said oh that one is empty. I got up and walked by him and picked up the bottle which is 3/4 full and held it in front of his face. At this point I noticed he was slightly slurring but not heavily. He went to his desk and turned around, lost balance and almost fell. This happens sometimes when his sugar drops and I knew it wasn't that - but I said are you feeling ok. He said I AM FINE - see watch and then walked over to the carpet runner, held his arms out and walked it like he was being given a sobriety test (failed).
I have no idea what to do. Here is what I know - if I accuse him without some kind of proof he will deny it. So I have tried my BEST to stay calm, and not give him any inclination I know. I don't want him to get smarter about hiding it I want him to stay right where he is which is getting sloppier. He is hiding it somewhere in our bathroom/bedroom/master closet. Though I think even if I find a bottle he will still somehow someway deny it to be his.
Folks, this is new territory for me. I have not idea how to handle this. I have no real solid evidence. I am nervous to confront him. Above all I am worried for what's to come. His health issues are very serious, its always tragic when an alcoholic goes back out but drinking will kill him. He on average already spends about a month a year in the hospital due to pancreatitis flare ups. I don't understand why this hasn't caused him to have one but I remember him telling me that in the early stages of developing it that when the pain flared up drinking alcohol would stop it. I suppose there could be some kind of regression and that perhaps it is having the same effect again. And then I find myself every once in a while wondering if I am completely off base. These are momentary thoughts but they are there.
I thank you for taking the time to read my lengthy post. Any feedback is greatly appreciated!
My fiance and I got engaged and moved in together 2 years ago - it was a very fast courtship. We new each other as children and then 30 years later met again via Facebook.
Jeff, when I met him in 2010, had been sober for 5 years. His path to sobriety started in 1998 then finally set in after after his alcoholism had caused him health issues to the point that he would die if he didn't stop. He has chronic pancreatitis and is an insulin dependent diabetic. He also has a host of other issues, he is bi-polar II as well as having an anxiety disorder and OCD. The bi-polar is being effectively treated with medication he struggles with the other 2. He does not attend AA, he did for 3 years and stopped. We went to one meeting together to pick up a yearly chip that was almost 2 years ago.
Jeff is addicted to pain killers. They are prescribed for the chronic pancreatitits. He is also addicted to xanax for the anxiety disorder. Rehab to get off these drugs in our first year was a constant topic, however; with every doctor that said it could be done with his health issues there was another Doctor that said he would never be able to . I got him as close as an interview with an excellent Rehab facility here - they wanted him to come in immediately and he said he wasn't ready. I felt that forcing him to do something he didn't want to do would be fruitless. He decided to start lowering the amount of what he was taking, which he has done, and that subject has not been broached again for at least a year or more.
Which brings us to where we are now. When Jeff and I first got together he was passionate about his sobriety (I refer only to alcohol here). It was something he spoke of often, something he was proud of, something that made him angry when her heard of a drunk driving accident, something that he would talk about for lengthy conversations in educating me about the 12 step program and what it took for him to become sober. I am not an alcoholic. I do drink occasionally. We do not keep alcohol in the house. We do not go to clubs, we do not go to bars, our friends are not heavy drinkers nor do they drink at most occasions we attend. When we got engaged I offered to stop drinking completely because its just not important to me. Jeff said that he had no problem if I had a glass of wine with dinner or if we were at a function - his rule being that getting drunk or buzzed will not be tolerated. And that's how it is been - All total this year I have had 3 glasses of wine.
About two months ago we were out to dinner. A great client of mine had asked to stop by a restaurant where he was to meet Jeff. We came into the restaurant and sat with her and her friends. They had clearly been drinking as were having a good time. Immediately our hostess had the waiter pour me a glass of wine and Jeff ordered a coffee (she knew Jeff is sober). I didn't want my wine so I pushed it away - we stayed for about 30 minutes had a nice conversation with she and her friends, laughed a lot and left. That night Jeff said to me that all he could smell at the table was alcohol - everyone was drinking wine and there were a couple bottles on the table. This progressed into him saying that he had been thinking lately that he would like to have a drink occasionally. That he felt after all this time he could have one here and there and how he would like for us to be able to go to a bar and have a drink together and relax. I don't know how I stayed calm but I did and we had a calm conversation of how that was just not possible to which he agreed that it starts with one and where he would end back up. We had that conversation on more than one occasion then he dropped it.
About a month ago Jeff came by my work and when he kissed me goodbye I thought I smelled alcohol. I told him and he said I don't know what you are smelling but its not alcohol - we kind of laughed it off at that. But my radar went up. We had to go to a black tie function for work about 3 weeks ago. THis is not the first time we have done this. When we left I noticed a change in Jeff's demeanor that was just different. I asked him if he had been drinking and he said no of course not. I had a cocktail at the function and he said if you smell anything its yourself. I said I don't smell anything Jeff, but you are acting weird. He said no I am not - you must be drunk - not off one drink 2 hours ago was my response. Again we dropped it at that.
Which brings me to last Saturday. I had an all day work event which ended in a party. Jeff decided he did not want to go. This is common for him and was fine with me. When I called him on my way home I detected something in his speech. It wasn't terribly obvious but it was there. He was giddy when I got home at Midnight - slightly loopy but not so much so that I could say what the hell. I went to bed exhausted. he came to bed much later (which is normal he is a late nighter). He leaned over to kiss me not realizing I had woken up and BAM he reeeked of alcohol. I was immobilized - I kept saying to myself No No No its not possible. I waited till he fell asleep and smelled and yes it was possible.
The next morning I got up on a mission and started looking at my house with new eyes. The first think I noticed is there is mouthwash everywhere. Next to the kitchen sink, 3 bottles in the bathroom and after searching our cars a bottle in each car. I loked in our living area for hidden liquor - I didn't find any. But when I opened the cabinet where we keep our glasses I see a medium sized bottle of ginger ale 2/3 gone. We don't drink soda - and if you knew OCD Jeff you would know that he would NEVER put a soda or whatever in the cabinet it would go in the fridge. You would also know that his drink of choice was captain and ginger.
Over the past two weeks I have noticed that Jeff goes in and out of our bedroom often at night. He always says he is looking for/and or doing something that just doesn't make sense. This happened last night - in out in our in out about every 20 minutes. I followed him in once and he was in our bathroom with the door shut and I could here him screwing on a cap. He heard me come in and when he came out he said "do you know where my flonase is I can't find it" - I said beside your bed and he said oh that one is empty. I got up and walked by him and picked up the bottle which is 3/4 full and held it in front of his face. At this point I noticed he was slightly slurring but not heavily. He went to his desk and turned around, lost balance and almost fell. This happens sometimes when his sugar drops and I knew it wasn't that - but I said are you feeling ok. He said I AM FINE - see watch and then walked over to the carpet runner, held his arms out and walked it like he was being given a sobriety test (failed).
I have no idea what to do. Here is what I know - if I accuse him without some kind of proof he will deny it. So I have tried my BEST to stay calm, and not give him any inclination I know. I don't want him to get smarter about hiding it I want him to stay right where he is which is getting sloppier. He is hiding it somewhere in our bathroom/bedroom/master closet. Though I think even if I find a bottle he will still somehow someway deny it to be his.
Folks, this is new territory for me. I have not idea how to handle this. I have no real solid evidence. I am nervous to confront him. Above all I am worried for what's to come. His health issues are very serious, its always tragic when an alcoholic goes back out but drinking will kill him. He on average already spends about a month a year in the hospital due to pancreatitis flare ups. I don't understand why this hasn't caused him to have one but I remember him telling me that in the early stages of developing it that when the pain flared up drinking alcohol would stop it. I suppose there could be some kind of regression and that perhaps it is having the same effect again. And then I find myself every once in a while wondering if I am completely off base. These are momentary thoughts but they are there.
I thank you for taking the time to read my lengthy post. Any feedback is greatly appreciated!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 183
You know he's drinking. The question becomes how much you are willing to deal with and can you protect yourself emotionally if you choose to stay.
I think I'd simply say, "I know you've been drinking and please don't insult me or embarrass yourself by denying it. What are your plans?" and then go from there. He knows the potential helath ramifications and it isn't your role to try to prevent them.
I'm sorry. Relapses are heartbreaking.
I think I'd simply say, "I know you've been drinking and please don't insult me or embarrass yourself by denying it. What are your plans?" and then go from there. He knows the potential helath ramifications and it isn't your role to try to prevent them.
I'm sorry. Relapses are heartbreaking.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Redantla,
So sorry to hear of this relapse. I am a detective by trade and became an ace at finding alcohol but finding it will not change the facts or necessarily the outcome. If you want evidence you can get alcohol test strips at the corner drug store and ask him to take it for your peace of mind. If he is drinking he will blow up at you, refuse and gaslight you and you will have your answer.
The sad part about relapse is that it is a trust issue as well as a health issue and you have to decide what you will do if he continues to be in denial and this issue progresses... and it will.
Alcohol combined with the meds he is taking an awful combination and he will not be able to hold it together as time goes by... and benzos and alcohol usually cause a nasty personality change.
You have an understanding of what the problem is... he left his program behind and that made him vulnerable to relapse. It starts with thinking about a drink and eventually, untreated they act on it and its all downhill from there.
Post as much as you like and learn as much as you can. Alanon will help immensely, counseling is great as well as reading everything you can on the disease and codependency.
So sorry to hear of this relapse. I am a detective by trade and became an ace at finding alcohol but finding it will not change the facts or necessarily the outcome. If you want evidence you can get alcohol test strips at the corner drug store and ask him to take it for your peace of mind. If he is drinking he will blow up at you, refuse and gaslight you and you will have your answer.
The sad part about relapse is that it is a trust issue as well as a health issue and you have to decide what you will do if he continues to be in denial and this issue progresses... and it will.
Alcohol combined with the meds he is taking an awful combination and he will not be able to hold it together as time goes by... and benzos and alcohol usually cause a nasty personality change.
You have an understanding of what the problem is... he left his program behind and that made him vulnerable to relapse. It starts with thinking about a drink and eventually, untreated they act on it and its all downhill from there.
Post as much as you like and learn as much as you can. Alanon will help immensely, counseling is great as well as reading everything you can on the disease and codependency.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
How much am I willing to deal with? Not much. I have already been on the roller coaster of finding out he was undiagnosed bi-polar last year and what it took to get that regulated. I already deal with and have accepted the ramifications of his pain killer issues and how that effects our relationship.
Here is some truth, I have been secretly hoping he would get really sick and have to go to the hospital - an aversion therapy of sorts. I read your post and burst into tears. I have been in denial for the past month. I know that now. he is the love of my life why? why? why? We have a great life. I always thought if he relapsed it would be because something bad happened- something terrible. Instead, he now is healthier than he has been in 10 years, has a wonderful relationship, we are financially in a great position, he just got a new car, we are best friends and NOW is when it happened?
I guess I haven't said anything because I know what is to come. I am going to have to end the relationship and its devastating.
Here is some truth, I have been secretly hoping he would get really sick and have to go to the hospital - an aversion therapy of sorts. I read your post and burst into tears. I have been in denial for the past month. I know that now. he is the love of my life why? why? why? We have a great life. I always thought if he relapsed it would be because something bad happened- something terrible. Instead, he now is healthier than he has been in 10 years, has a wonderful relationship, we are financially in a great position, he just got a new car, we are best friends and NOW is when it happened?
I guess I haven't said anything because I know what is to come. I am going to have to end the relationship and its devastating.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Hi Red, welcome.
I'm so sorry for all that is happening for you right now.
What I want to say first is that, relapse back into alcholism is so comman, you are not alone. It's always unbelievable, but alcoholics brains are so wired to always want to drink, it's almost primal, that is something that all of us have to continue to be aware of, and why it is so important for us to maintain some kind of bourndry around drinking to protect ourselves.
It certainly doesn't mean the end of your relationship, but in my mind what it does mean is re visting boundries, without accusing, Jeff knows what he is doing, and somewhere deep inside he knows that he can't hide it from you forever.
Seems you have handled it with much grace and integrity thus far, take care of yourself, and know that this is a disease you are dealing with, your boundries around active drinking are as important as the disease itself.
big hug, Katie xo
I'm so sorry for all that is happening for you right now.
What I want to say first is that, relapse back into alcholism is so comman, you are not alone. It's always unbelievable, but alcoholics brains are so wired to always want to drink, it's almost primal, that is something that all of us have to continue to be aware of, and why it is so important for us to maintain some kind of bourndry around drinking to protect ourselves.
It certainly doesn't mean the end of your relationship, but in my mind what it does mean is re visting boundries, without accusing, Jeff knows what he is doing, and somewhere deep inside he knows that he can't hide it from you forever.
Seems you have handled it with much grace and integrity thus far, take care of yourself, and know that this is a disease you are dealing with, your boundries around active drinking are as important as the disease itself.
big hug, Katie xo
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Nj
Posts: 195
Redatlanta-I can't really give much advise-Bc I am still in stages of deciding what I will handle as well. However, I can tell you this. My a does not have chronic pancreatitis but he is headed that way if he does not quit. He has told me that when he drinks his pancreas hurts but the only way to dull the pain is to drink again. He has mentioned that entering the hospital till the pain is gone is the only way he can start aa path of sobriety Bc the pain is so terrible that only being trapped in a hospital or drinking again will change it. he also only ends up in the hospital if he drinks hard liquor. For some reason beer does not cause the same amount of pain-which naturally is his drink of choice. I know it sounds bad-but hopefully your a will drink to a pain that is unbearable and end up in the hospital. If he does-give him a few days there-don't go to see him (he will be mad) but wait until he is in less pain and can have a Coherent conversation and then discuss where he is and how he feels. I wish you the best and hope he can again find his path to recovery. Just remember to do what is best for you. I'm with ya onthe why is he the love of my life?? Sometimes it feels like I can't catch a break-but then I see videos like the one my friend posted this morning about her friends little girl fighting for her life-and it puts things in perspective.
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I will support him until the end of time in recovery. I like how ichabod said to approach - I know it, don't insult me, don't embarrass yourself what do you plan to do?
Here are my boundaries with him drinking - my denial phase is over. It won't be tolerated. Yeah I feel that if I could find evidence it would be harder to deny but I may never find it other than his behavior and smell.
So, here will be his choice. Rehab/AA or move. Does one have to hit a rock bottom again for it to work? Will he go just to appease me but not really have any intention or working on it? By all indications right now he is in an elation phase. he hasn't gotten sick, I don't see that he is drinking everyday (could be but I really don't think so) therefore I think he has convinced himself that he CAN drink every once in while and not drink all the time. I think its making him very happy to be honest - welcome back old friend.
For what I know - its certainly not as much as I need to - one needs to hit a bottom to achieve recovery. He seems to be standing on a mountain. Except that he can't sleep. Its been that way the past two weeks. Guilt, nervousness, anxiety a little something is going on there. he normally sleeps like the dead especially in the morning. I just quietly took a step ladder back to the closet to take advantage of some search time. He is a foot taller than I - its somewhere up high where I couldn't normally reach. He popped out of bed like a firecracker when he heard me in the closet. That's ok. Now the step ladder is back there I will have time to look later.
Here are my boundaries with him drinking - my denial phase is over. It won't be tolerated. Yeah I feel that if I could find evidence it would be harder to deny but I may never find it other than his behavior and smell.
So, here will be his choice. Rehab/AA or move. Does one have to hit a rock bottom again for it to work? Will he go just to appease me but not really have any intention or working on it? By all indications right now he is in an elation phase. he hasn't gotten sick, I don't see that he is drinking everyday (could be but I really don't think so) therefore I think he has convinced himself that he CAN drink every once in while and not drink all the time. I think its making him very happy to be honest - welcome back old friend.
For what I know - its certainly not as much as I need to - one needs to hit a bottom to achieve recovery. He seems to be standing on a mountain. Except that he can't sleep. Its been that way the past two weeks. Guilt, nervousness, anxiety a little something is going on there. he normally sleeps like the dead especially in the morning. I just quietly took a step ladder back to the closet to take advantage of some search time. He is a foot taller than I - its somewhere up high where I couldn't normally reach. He popped out of bed like a firecracker when he heard me in the closet. That's ok. Now the step ladder is back there I will have time to look later.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear redatlanta, when faced with this situation with my adult son ( I knew from his behavior). I said to him "You have been drinking"----when he started to protest---I said: "That is a statement; not a question. I know what I know".
You already know he is drinking. What are you going to do is now the issue.
dandylion
You already know he is drinking. What are you going to do is now the issue.
dandylion
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Kate - sending prayers for you. I did not know Jeff when he was in that stage of the disease. If he could go back in time he would and stop then he would - chronic pancreatitis SUCKS. He also devoloped diabetes from it. Daily pain is something he lives with, hospital trips are something we also deal with. A plate of greasy food equals a 3 - 5 day hospital stay. And sometimes it just comes out of nowhere (truly these have happened long before he picked back up).
I don't know why he hasn't had an attack yet. There is a little question in me as to whether it might be something other than alcohol he certainly has access to enough drugs to get the whole state of Ga high. I know that behavior though - this isn't dopey, sleepy nodding off. Nor is it speedy. I feel somewhat relieved in thinking it could be medication but that's just a rationalization. If it was ok - he wouldn't be doing it in our closet.
I don't know why he hasn't had an attack yet. There is a little question in me as to whether it might be something other than alcohol he certainly has access to enough drugs to get the whole state of Ga high. I know that behavior though - this isn't dopey, sleepy nodding off. Nor is it speedy. I feel somewhat relieved in thinking it could be medication but that's just a rationalization. If it was ok - he wouldn't be doing it in our closet.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 837
I never had the desire to become a detective but there was a time I was good at finding a bottles that a bloodhound couldn't find, ugh. But... there were always more bottles somewhere else. It took some time for me to realize that not matter how many bottles I found it wouldn't stop him from drinking. I did this for a long time, years, and finally my health began to suffer from all the chaos and I hung up my badge of detective and settle for a life of serenity for myself. Why not settle for a life of serenity for YOU as well?
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This won't be years of finding bottles for me. If I can't find it it doesn't matter I will confront him next time. And there will be a next time sooner, rather than later.
Why deal? A chance I suppose. A hope that he will decide to go to rehab or to go to AA. I wasn't kidding when I said we have a wonderful life - so far (since I have suspected he has been drinking) it hasn't been nasty. He has been in a GREAT mood. Perhaps a little down in the morning. In the past two weeks he has helped me more in the house than he ever has. It won't last, it will head South. I know that. So now is the time to deal with it before he A) Overdoses from a combination of the alcohol and meds or B) Gets nasty and makes my life a living hell.
Why deal? A chance I suppose. A hope that he will decide to go to rehab or to go to AA. I wasn't kidding when I said we have a wonderful life - so far (since I have suspected he has been drinking) it hasn't been nasty. He has been in a GREAT mood. Perhaps a little down in the morning. In the past two weeks he has helped me more in the house than he ever has. It won't last, it will head South. I know that. So now is the time to deal with it before he A) Overdoses from a combination of the alcohol and meds or B) Gets nasty and makes my life a living hell.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
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Search for Al-Anon meetings, not his bottles of booze for that's a big waste of time. If he denies it, you'll still have doubts and yet you know he is an alcoholic (at best, not recovering well) and Xanax addict (I know 'em). If he admits it, next thing down that "codie" path usually is counting bottles and fluid levels, checking destinations, etc. etc. Either way, you would be helped by going to Al-Anon meetings where topics such as boundaries are discussed.
You "not tolerating his drinking" is not a boundary. It is an attempt to make him stop drinking and change him. Saying I will not have alcohol or addictive drugs in my house IS a boundary. He can drink outside the house if he chooses to. He can bring it in the house, but his consequence will be that you kick him out.
Read the codependency threads here and the stickies on that in the F&F of Substance Abusers forum. Get a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
I'm sorry this engagement period is going downhill for you.
Peace.
You "not tolerating his drinking" is not a boundary. It is an attempt to make him stop drinking and change him. Saying I will not have alcohol or addictive drugs in my house IS a boundary. He can drink outside the house if he chooses to. He can bring it in the house, but his consequence will be that you kick him out.
Read the codependency threads here and the stickies on that in the F&F of Substance Abusers forum. Get a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
I'm sorry this engagement period is going downhill for you.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
redatlanta,
You don't need to find the booze, you already found it. He started his secret relapse with mouthwash.
There are mouthwashes that don't have any alcohol content. I would suggest switching them all, but really what would be the point.
You don't need to find the booze, you already found it. He started his secret relapse with mouthwash.
There are mouthwashes that don't have any alcohol content. I would suggest switching them all, but really what would be the point.
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Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Speaking from experience, the combination of bipolar and alcoholism alone is a wild ride for the SO. It's pretty commonly accepted that if a person is drinking while on bipolar meds, they might as well not be medicated for the BPD at all. Based on your descriptions of his moods, he could be self-medicating through a period of mania. If so, after this excellent dinner, expect a gargantuan bill (i.e. full-blown depression).
If I had to do it all over again knowing what I know today, I wouldn't have stayed. I wouldn't have entered into the relationship at all. Instead I put up with the weird behavior and erratic, explosive moods for another five years. After many rehabs and relapses, we are separated today.
If I had to do it all over again knowing what I know today, I wouldn't have stayed. I wouldn't have entered into the relationship at all. Instead I put up with the weird behavior and erratic, explosive moods for another five years. After many rehabs and relapses, we are separated today.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 283
Wow, the secret alcohol. My ex was a beer drinker, so it was harder to hide.
He would unscrew the heating/air vents and put them in there as well as the furnace filters.
Washer and dryer, we had an extra set in the garage and you could put ice in the washer as well. Car trunks, cabinets, his son's bedroom closet, and even in the woods behind the house, there was a cooler out there.
In the end, none of my detective work mattered, I knew. Throwing it away meant he would go get more.
Sorry you are going through this.
He would unscrew the heating/air vents and put them in there as well as the furnace filters.
Washer and dryer, we had an extra set in the garage and you could put ice in the washer as well. Car trunks, cabinets, his son's bedroom closet, and even in the woods behind the house, there was a cooler out there.
In the end, none of my detective work mattered, I knew. Throwing it away meant he would go get more.
Sorry you are going through this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Thank you all for your comments. I called an old co-worker today who has been in AA for 16 years.
He gave me the sobering (excuse my pun) reality of what I am dealing with here because in truth I have no idea. I am inexperienced, I am not being realistic. I am living in fantasy land that its going to stop. He gave me some startling statistics regarding recovery in those that have been sober for extended periods of time who pick back up. While I have felt comfor that this hasn't been going on for long he pointed out that the addiction is in full swing, that it started months before he ever drank again in his head. That someone doesn't have to have something bad happen to them to drink again - yes in fact when someone is ecstatically happy it might be then that the disease tells them "everything is great you can drink again".
He advised me to relax, not feel like today or tomorrow or even next week is when I need to confront him. Rather he said I have to come up with a plan. Its my house - its him that will have to leave. I doubt he will go easily if it comes to it. So I might have to move out when the boom is lowered. and need to have that figured out in advance. In the meantime I will take the advice of going to al - anon.
Prayers for me please. I can't believe this is happening.
He gave me the sobering (excuse my pun) reality of what I am dealing with here because in truth I have no idea. I am inexperienced, I am not being realistic. I am living in fantasy land that its going to stop. He gave me some startling statistics regarding recovery in those that have been sober for extended periods of time who pick back up. While I have felt comfor that this hasn't been going on for long he pointed out that the addiction is in full swing, that it started months before he ever drank again in his head. That someone doesn't have to have something bad happen to them to drink again - yes in fact when someone is ecstatically happy it might be then that the disease tells them "everything is great you can drink again".
He advised me to relax, not feel like today or tomorrow or even next week is when I need to confront him. Rather he said I have to come up with a plan. Its my house - its him that will have to leave. I doubt he will go easily if it comes to it. So I might have to move out when the boom is lowered. and need to have that figured out in advance. In the meantime I will take the advice of going to al - anon.
Prayers for me please. I can't believe this is happening.
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