My deal with the devil
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
My deal with the devil
The year was 2003.
I never drank or drugged until my 30's. I had little by way of confidence and value. But ecstasy made me whole. It gave me personality and the ability to speak with anyone anytime. Made me feel sexy. Made others look hot. I would hang out at the beach bars by my house and speak with tourists. It was a tourist town and the constant flow of people in and out feed my addiction to the attention and confidence it made me feel.
Who would question such a perfect situation? Live music, warm sunshine beating on you, hot fun people all around you, and a never ending supply of little pills to make it all work.
This was the most glamorous drugs ever got for me. I was king. I fed them to people I met so we would all be there. The top of the world. Dance, touch, be.
This was the first time the idea entered my head. Do I drink to much? Am I using to much ecstasy?
The first time I thought something may be wrong.
I squelched the thoughts. Every weekend I would leave work early on Friday to make my pill run and pop one as soon as I got em. Then rush home to get changed and head out. Out to find what ever party I could come across or create.
It's like a deal with the devil. You can have all this for your soul. He promised me it would only be a small piece of it. That I would retain controlling rights to it. I would never loose who I was. Just reap the rewards he offered. Rewards anyone with half a soul to begin with would want.
He's not much of a deal breaker once you sign on the dotted line.
As I felt it each time I used I could do little to stop it. But I did. I did stop it.
From that point on in my life I have been bargaining. Trading what I would get or find for what I had and as I did the sun felt less warm. The people looked less hot. I felt less.... Just simply less.
I have paid a great price to get my soul back. That was 2003....this being 2012.... My payments are done. I will not have to give another anything for it. I own it now. Only me.
I cannot bring myself to make a final tally. I don't have enough fingers and toes to count that high.
But now that the bill is paid in full it's time to move on. Move forward. Soul, heart, being all in hand and ready for whats next.
I feel free today. I feel the warmth of the sun beating on me. I have tried to surround myself with good worthwhile people. And I am happier than I have been in a very long time.
I never drank or drugged until my 30's. I had little by way of confidence and value. But ecstasy made me whole. It gave me personality and the ability to speak with anyone anytime. Made me feel sexy. Made others look hot. I would hang out at the beach bars by my house and speak with tourists. It was a tourist town and the constant flow of people in and out feed my addiction to the attention and confidence it made me feel.
Who would question such a perfect situation? Live music, warm sunshine beating on you, hot fun people all around you, and a never ending supply of little pills to make it all work.
This was the most glamorous drugs ever got for me. I was king. I fed them to people I met so we would all be there. The top of the world. Dance, touch, be.
This was the first time the idea entered my head. Do I drink to much? Am I using to much ecstasy?
The first time I thought something may be wrong.
I squelched the thoughts. Every weekend I would leave work early on Friday to make my pill run and pop one as soon as I got em. Then rush home to get changed and head out. Out to find what ever party I could come across or create.
It's like a deal with the devil. You can have all this for your soul. He promised me it would only be a small piece of it. That I would retain controlling rights to it. I would never loose who I was. Just reap the rewards he offered. Rewards anyone with half a soul to begin with would want.
He's not much of a deal breaker once you sign on the dotted line.
As I felt it each time I used I could do little to stop it. But I did. I did stop it.
From that point on in my life I have been bargaining. Trading what I would get or find for what I had and as I did the sun felt less warm. The people looked less hot. I felt less.... Just simply less.
I have paid a great price to get my soul back. That was 2003....this being 2012.... My payments are done. I will not have to give another anything for it. I own it now. Only me.
I cannot bring myself to make a final tally. I don't have enough fingers and toes to count that high.
But now that the bill is paid in full it's time to move on. Move forward. Soul, heart, being all in hand and ready for whats next.
I feel free today. I feel the warmth of the sun beating on me. I have tried to surround myself with good worthwhile people. And I am happier than I have been in a very long time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 1,225
Nice post.
It all starts out so easy and wonderful. The substance works until it stops working. At first, we like it and want it. But then we start to need it. And we'll do anything to get it. Once we need it, it stops being easy. It stops working. But we keep trying to get that original feeling back again. That lightness we used to feel.
That lightness is back in my life thanks to being sober. And it sounds like it is coming back into your life too. Keep doing what your doing. It just keeps getting better and better.
It all starts out so easy and wonderful. The substance works until it stops working. At first, we like it and want it. But then we start to need it. And we'll do anything to get it. Once we need it, it stops being easy. It stops working. But we keep trying to get that original feeling back again. That lightness we used to feel.
That lightness is back in my life thanks to being sober. And it sounds like it is coming back into your life too. Keep doing what your doing. It just keeps getting better and better.
I don't have much to add other then I am glad to be on this road with you. It makes it worth wild to be able to see the world for what it really is both good and bad. 
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: My city of ruins...
Posts: 593
I never thought about it this way but what a perfect metaphor.
I too made a deal with the devil ... Little did I know that if you want to beat him you must be prepared to lose it all. Luckily I broke the deal before that happened ...
And if he is upset about the broken contract...well, he can sue me.
I too made a deal with the devil ... Little did I know that if you want to beat him you must be prepared to lose it all. Luckily I broke the deal before that happened ...
And if he is upset about the broken contract...well, he can sue me.
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Smart people and dumb people, rich and poor... We have all had our reasons for making "the deal" but together we can help each other break it forever.
Kinda corny but true for me. I want it and want to make sure others do too!
Kinda corny but true for me. I want it and want to make sure others do too!
Clear Eyes Full Heart
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,272
But now that the bill is paid in full it's time to move on. Move forward. Soul, heart, being all in hand and ready for whats next.
Love that part!
It does feel like a deal with the devil. I cringe to think of what I traded for the "pleasure" of drinking. I can't really go there in my head though, it's too overwhelming. I really feel that things happen for a reason. I try to focus on the positives.
Love that part!
It does feel like a deal with the devil. I cringe to think of what I traded for the "pleasure" of drinking. I can't really go there in my head though, it's too overwhelming. I really feel that things happen for a reason. I try to focus on the positives.
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
I do very much feel like I got my soul back. The only thing now is to remain free and move forward.
Glad everyone liked this. I wrote from my heart this morning. And that alone is freeing for me.
Glad everyone liked this. I wrote from my heart this morning. And that alone is freeing for me.
A simple guy making his way
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
I think most alcoholics will feel this way as well. We do give up so much for our addictions. We may never get back what we started with but we can build new and fulfilled lives.
Guess I am sappy today....
Guess I am sappy today....
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