cedars

Hi everyone, I haven't posted in awhile but I've reading your posts throughout the months. I'll give a short recap: my husband is an extremely high functioning addict. He is very successful, a good provider, and a good father. To the rest of the world he seems perfect, only very few know he issues. He cheated on me for years. He had been smoking maijiuana For 30years everyday and addicted to pain meds for at least 15. He went to rehab. In march for 2weeks. He relapse soon there after. His therapist is an addiction specialist and he has a sponsor. When he relapsed I found out because I drug tested him and found morphine in his system. That was 4 months ago. He is in the medical field so it could Fentanyl or just about anything. I filed for divorce in January. It is moving slow. I know what I'm going to do but my fears are great. I really can't tell when he's high so that makes me confused and crazy. He won't give me anymore urine to test him so I know he's still using. My question is, why does his therapist and sponser still support him when he continues to be dishonest? And why do I continue to second guess myself? I know I can't live anymore with an addict. Am I wrong to think he is no where near recovery even though he appears to be the perfect man? It's scary....

Ann

Cedars, it doesn't matter what anyone else knows or thinks. What matters is what you know in your heart and you don't need proof of anything to know what you feel.

You are unhappy in this relationship for any number of reasons but probably all going back to drugs. Cheating is a deal breaker all by itself, drugs or not. You have filed for divorce and are heading to a better life of new beginnings.

Right now, just taking care of yourself and healing from what you are going through matters more than trying to second guess what he is doing.

Have you gone to meetings? I know that many of us found our balance there and learned ways to take very good care of ourselves. It doesn't matter if you are still with him or not, your life has been affected by drugs and you qualify. Also, counseling has helped many here, it's a good place to work through your issues and find ways of keeping your mind on good things and the better days ahead.

Just know that YOU are the one who matters most here and taking care of yourself has nothing to do with what the rest of the world thinks or how they perceive things. I love the saying "what others think of me is none of my business".

Hugs

HopefulmomtoD

It seems to me, that rather than you going crazy trying to figure out if he is using or not- he should be putting the effort into convincing you that he is clean, that he is working recovery, and that he does want to earn back your trust.

The fact that he isn't doing (actions not words) these things is all you need to know.

edited to add because I didn't really answer your questions,

I imagine his counselor keeps him because that is his job. I don't know the ins and outs of AA, but I think a sponsor is their for support. I do know AA is built on honesty- so if he is lying to them, how are they supposed to know?

It does sound like your husband has other personality issues going on besides addiction that probably make him more difficult to deal with than the average addict.

outtolunch

There are children and yet it sort of seems that both parents have been putting their own self interests, lies and cheating before the welfare of the children.

These children deserve to mature knowing they are worthy of normal.

BeavsDad

1

cedars

Thank you everyone for the support. Ann, yes I do have a therapist I have been seeing for years. I have gone to al-non but not found it quite as rewarding as others have. but I will continue to give it a chance. Worriedmama, oh yea, if he were sober he would to be begging to be tested! Outtoluch, did I miss something??? I'm certainly not perfect, but I'm not exactly sure what it is that you are referring to. If it weren't for my kids I would have be gone a long time ago. BeavsDad, all true thank you but, you hit the nail on the head with "Is the devil you know better than the one you don't?". He's a good father and they adore him and that I KNOW. They will be devastated when I leave. So, I think sometimes maybe I should stick it out until they are done with high school. That maybe that's the right thing to do. I feel selfish tearing our family apart. Now, I know that is ridiculous, that it's the drugs and his decision to to use them that did it. Do I tell that to my kids? I don't want to and remember he seems perfect so even if I did tell them, what a bad example of an addict that would be. I have posted here because I know I'm a codependent. I realize no one with any self-confiendce or self respect would have stayed here as long. Sadly, I need reassurance and the day I don't ...I will be well on my way to recovery.

supportforme

Cedars -
I know your pain too well. The only difference between our stories is that my STBXAH is not in the medical profession. What I will say is that I felt exactly like you do right now, how can I rip my family apart. He's very high functioning and the only impact to the kids is that they may be disappointed every now and then because dad is sleeping in his room for 3 days. Other than that, he worked, did homework, was soccer coach, he was the funnest dad in the world. I struggled with this for about 3-4 years, doing the math of how many more years until my youngest was 18. I stayed b/c I didn't want to destroy my kids lives. I used to read all the horror stories and continue to tell myself - OMG I'm not in that situation. Or, when the wonderful folks here would warn me that his addiction would progress and he would break the law - I of course, knew better. This man never even stole cable, he would never break the law....I had this disease under control, I monitored the bank accounts, I wouldn't let him drive the kids in the car, I would bring the kids out for the day if he was "sick" so that he could have peace and quite while he went through his withdrawls. Unfortunately, I was WRONG. this disease progresses, in May of this year I was blindsided and he crashed and burned over 1 weekend. His behavior became extremely erratic, he threatened me and left the house. He totalled his car, almost killed himself and innocent people. The police showed up at my door to search my home, he had blank prescriptions in his possession. I allowed the police to search my home so that they didn't think I was involved in any way. I was contacted in my office by federal agents to interview me b/c I was his wife. I cooperated with everyone to prove that I was not involved with his prescription fraud. I had to quickly tell my young boys about their father's addiction (thank God for Cynical's blog). I had to face not only everything I feared with having to tell my kids; but I had to face the reality of addiction and the fact that by staying, I endangered my kids and my safety. Please protect yourself and your children. You didn't cause this, you cant' control it and you can't cure it. You and your family are in my prayers

cedars

Thanks Supportforme, I read your posts and it all sounds so familiar. I feel deeply saddens for you and your kids. However, I know you must be in a better place now, i hope. That's what i'm afraid will happen to us one day. But the crazy thing is, somewhere in the back of my mind, I still think that he is smart and responsible enough to never let this happen to him and his family. That makes me pretty messed up. Intellectually I get it but emotionally I can't fathom it.

LoveMeNow

None of us could. But addiction is a progressive illness whose ends are always the same: jails, institutions, and death!

My husband was high functionally as well. He is working his recovery now and never experienced jail, institutions or death. However, the financial ruin has been overwhelming. No addict is special, it will catch up to him.

interrupted

Everyone (even me) would refer to my father as a highly-functioning alcoholic. He has kept his job for 30 years, he has never been to jail, he loves me more than anything, he was my hero, and I am profoundly scarred by my childhood. Children pick up on far more than we give them credit for, but they can't piece together that it has nothing to do with them. I'll be praying for you, your children, and your husband. I know this much be tremendously hard for you, trying to hold everything together under the onslaught of addiction. I'm sorry. You are not alone.

supportforme

Cedars - I understand exactly what your saying - I've been exactly where you are. We all need to find our path in our own time. I pray that your situation will not escalate. Just please maintain your focus on your health and sanity. This addiction has no boundries. You're not "messed up". This disease is bigger than us. It takes us right down with them. I married the "good Ole boy", Daddy of the year...Once the addiction takes control, the person that we love is no longer there and he is the only one that can break free and get himself help. After finding out the truth about their dad's addiction, my 13 year old told me that their dad never lied to them; but I betrayed them by keeping his addiction from them. This after he witnessed the police officers searching his home and experiencing their dad's erratic behavior. Protect yourself and your children while he is finding his path.