my story
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: texas
Posts: 103
my story
I am 43 years old and I just walked away from a 4 year on again off again relationship with an alcoholic. My story although very emotional to me, turns out to not be so different than everyone elses story. (funny, cause you feel like you are the only one going through it.) I will say this though....only the people who have been involved with an alcoholic can relate.
I would like to say that it was a good relationship in the beginning, but it really wasnt. It was pretty much doomed from the start. I guess you could say that I kind of new what I was getting into. Its just that he caught me at a vulnerable time in my life and I gave into him.
It didnt take but a few weeks, when the first major explosion from him took place. Alls I can say is wow!!!!!! I had never experienced anything like it before. He lied to me, a small lie, a stupid insignificant lie and when I asked him about it. He exploded. The next thing I knew. I was the one that had the problem and I was the one that was causing him drama and pain. He totally shut me down. My head was spinning, only to wake up the next day to act like nothing ever happened.
So, like everyone else, It took me a while to process, but then I thought ok...this was just one time and even though it seemed crazy maybe, he was just having a bad day. Ha!!!
We continued this little game for a good two years. I was told, I was stupid, and embarrassment, that nobody liked me. I was told not to trust alot of people. I recieved late night phone calls just to be cussed out and again the next day we acted like nothing happened. ( funny now, how I played the perfect victim and enabler and co-dependant person in the relationship.)
What is even more mind boggling is that I knew it was wrong but yet I stayed. Why would and educated person as myself do this. This man had a way of building me up and making me feel like I was the most beautiful and wanted person in the world and then at the same time, he was breaking me down. Isolating me, and making me feel and think like he did.
He ended up having a 4 wheeler accident, of course because he was drunk. He nearly died. Broke all his ribs on one side. punctured his lungs. broke his collar bone and lascerated his liver. He was in the hospital for a good two weeks. I spent nearly every night in that hospital with him.
I watched him go through withdrawels. The sweats. I had to actually get down on the floor and prove to him that there were no bugs crawling on him.
I did not feel his physical pain, but I too put in alot of sleepless nights, just to get up extremely early to drive into work and do it all over again the next night.
When he got out, I thought ok. We are sober now and things will be good. Boy was I wrong. He lasted for maybe a week....the anger in him was unbelievable. I would call just to say hello and check on him just to recieve a cussing and more mental abuse.
After about two years of this. He goes away on a business trip meets someone new. (of course this wasnt the first other woman, it was just the first one that I asked him about)... I find out, ask him about it. He tells me that I am fu....up in the head. That I had made everything up about me and him. That he and I never existed. That there never was an us, wasnt an us and never would be an us. Didnt matter what spin I put on it. He did not talk to me for 8 months.
At this time, I was so distraught that I started going to counseling. I saw a counselor for 8 months. I also educated myself on alcoholism, and sociopaths. It was then that I realized I was dealing with something way bigger than me. I found out at this time that I was also a victim of domestic violence in the emotional sense. (I now know why battered women stay in abusive relationships)
I started to get a grip back on reality and move forward with my life. Then out of no where my phone rang. It was him. He did the whole, I am seeing a counselor now and I am in a twelve step program and I have to make things right with you. That was a very emotional night. The next thing I know he is back in my life once again. Am I happy? absolutely not.
This time we lasted for about 3 weeks, but I kept him at arms length, because like I said, I had educated myself, so I was a little bit stronger.
Well, after a few months of not seeing each other. My phone rings again. This time, it was a completely different side of him. This time, he was extremely apologetic. This time he told me how much he missed me and that he had really made the wrong decision. He picked the wrong person. He had never been happier than when he was with me. Ha!!! Didnt take long and he was back with her.
The sting this time wasnt that bad, because it becomes a habit and a pattern after a while. We both play are rolls in the relationship. It becomes the nature of our relationship.
Well, finally a first has happened. This time around. I am the one that has walked away. After 4 long, miserable years, I am now finding the strength I need to say no more.
It has taken me 4 years to finally admit to him....that he is an acoholic. I can finally say the word to him out loud. That is something that I could admit to myself, but not to him.
For me this is a huge accomplishment.
The part that hurts now though is not the fact that he is not in my life. It is the fact that he doesnt care. When I told him a few days ago I was done. He said "okay, cool.....that your decision".
That has to be one of the worst feelings in the world, to know that you have spent 4 years of your life giving everything you have to a person, and when you walk away,, it doesnt matter. It doesnt matter if you are there or not....I could leave this earth tomorrow and it wouldnt even phase him.
The other thing that hurts is that he is still doing what he has always done. He is drinking, two days later he is back with her. I am the one left with the guilt, the embarrassment, the pain, the frustration, the exhaustion etc.
On the other side of this, he is not happy. The alcohol has taken everything from him. He has lost his family, his job, me.....his health is terrible, his hygeine is awful. He is slowly killing himself. He now drinks all day...not getting stupid drunk, but drinking to maintain. If he is up at 6a then he is drinking by 6:15a.
Every morning he throws up white foam. He claims it is acid reflux, but I know that the whiskey is the underlining culprit. He can no longer have sex. (which that was a huge and very important part of his life). He claims that his feet are now going numb on him. His face is always swollen and red. He has what I called the burned out look in his eyes. (what used to be clear and vital is now cloudy and hazy).
It is really sad and hurtful to me to see what was once a very fun loving, lively, intelligent, strong man. (I had always described him as the alpha-male) turn into a very sick and broken individual.
He is 48 years old and will not live to see 60 yrs. if he continues.
I am not back to being me yet, but I am getting there. Even though I am not the alcoholic, I am finally on the road to recovery. What an awesome feeling that is!!!!!!!
I dont know if my story will help anyone. It has helped me being able to share it. If there is any advice that I can give anyone, it would be to educate yourself on alcoholism. Know what you are up against and know that you are not alone.
I would like to say that it was a good relationship in the beginning, but it really wasnt. It was pretty much doomed from the start. I guess you could say that I kind of new what I was getting into. Its just that he caught me at a vulnerable time in my life and I gave into him.
It didnt take but a few weeks, when the first major explosion from him took place. Alls I can say is wow!!!!!! I had never experienced anything like it before. He lied to me, a small lie, a stupid insignificant lie and when I asked him about it. He exploded. The next thing I knew. I was the one that had the problem and I was the one that was causing him drama and pain. He totally shut me down. My head was spinning, only to wake up the next day to act like nothing ever happened.
So, like everyone else, It took me a while to process, but then I thought ok...this was just one time and even though it seemed crazy maybe, he was just having a bad day. Ha!!!
We continued this little game for a good two years. I was told, I was stupid, and embarrassment, that nobody liked me. I was told not to trust alot of people. I recieved late night phone calls just to be cussed out and again the next day we acted like nothing happened. ( funny now, how I played the perfect victim and enabler and co-dependant person in the relationship.)
What is even more mind boggling is that I knew it was wrong but yet I stayed. Why would and educated person as myself do this. This man had a way of building me up and making me feel like I was the most beautiful and wanted person in the world and then at the same time, he was breaking me down. Isolating me, and making me feel and think like he did.
He ended up having a 4 wheeler accident, of course because he was drunk. He nearly died. Broke all his ribs on one side. punctured his lungs. broke his collar bone and lascerated his liver. He was in the hospital for a good two weeks. I spent nearly every night in that hospital with him.
I watched him go through withdrawels. The sweats. I had to actually get down on the floor and prove to him that there were no bugs crawling on him.
I did not feel his physical pain, but I too put in alot of sleepless nights, just to get up extremely early to drive into work and do it all over again the next night.
When he got out, I thought ok. We are sober now and things will be good. Boy was I wrong. He lasted for maybe a week....the anger in him was unbelievable. I would call just to say hello and check on him just to recieve a cussing and more mental abuse.
After about two years of this. He goes away on a business trip meets someone new. (of course this wasnt the first other woman, it was just the first one that I asked him about)... I find out, ask him about it. He tells me that I am fu....up in the head. That I had made everything up about me and him. That he and I never existed. That there never was an us, wasnt an us and never would be an us. Didnt matter what spin I put on it. He did not talk to me for 8 months.
At this time, I was so distraught that I started going to counseling. I saw a counselor for 8 months. I also educated myself on alcoholism, and sociopaths. It was then that I realized I was dealing with something way bigger than me. I found out at this time that I was also a victim of domestic violence in the emotional sense. (I now know why battered women stay in abusive relationships)
I started to get a grip back on reality and move forward with my life. Then out of no where my phone rang. It was him. He did the whole, I am seeing a counselor now and I am in a twelve step program and I have to make things right with you. That was a very emotional night. The next thing I know he is back in my life once again. Am I happy? absolutely not.
This time we lasted for about 3 weeks, but I kept him at arms length, because like I said, I had educated myself, so I was a little bit stronger.
Well, after a few months of not seeing each other. My phone rings again. This time, it was a completely different side of him. This time, he was extremely apologetic. This time he told me how much he missed me and that he had really made the wrong decision. He picked the wrong person. He had never been happier than when he was with me. Ha!!! Didnt take long and he was back with her.
The sting this time wasnt that bad, because it becomes a habit and a pattern after a while. We both play are rolls in the relationship. It becomes the nature of our relationship.
Well, finally a first has happened. This time around. I am the one that has walked away. After 4 long, miserable years, I am now finding the strength I need to say no more.
It has taken me 4 years to finally admit to him....that he is an acoholic. I can finally say the word to him out loud. That is something that I could admit to myself, but not to him.
For me this is a huge accomplishment.
The part that hurts now though is not the fact that he is not in my life. It is the fact that he doesnt care. When I told him a few days ago I was done. He said "okay, cool.....that your decision".
That has to be one of the worst feelings in the world, to know that you have spent 4 years of your life giving everything you have to a person, and when you walk away,, it doesnt matter. It doesnt matter if you are there or not....I could leave this earth tomorrow and it wouldnt even phase him.
The other thing that hurts is that he is still doing what he has always done. He is drinking, two days later he is back with her. I am the one left with the guilt, the embarrassment, the pain, the frustration, the exhaustion etc.
On the other side of this, he is not happy. The alcohol has taken everything from him. He has lost his family, his job, me.....his health is terrible, his hygeine is awful. He is slowly killing himself. He now drinks all day...not getting stupid drunk, but drinking to maintain. If he is up at 6a then he is drinking by 6:15a.
Every morning he throws up white foam. He claims it is acid reflux, but I know that the whiskey is the underlining culprit. He can no longer have sex. (which that was a huge and very important part of his life). He claims that his feet are now going numb on him. His face is always swollen and red. He has what I called the burned out look in his eyes. (what used to be clear and vital is now cloudy and hazy).
It is really sad and hurtful to me to see what was once a very fun loving, lively, intelligent, strong man. (I had always described him as the alpha-male) turn into a very sick and broken individual.
He is 48 years old and will not live to see 60 yrs. if he continues.
I am not back to being me yet, but I am getting there. Even though I am not the alcoholic, I am finally on the road to recovery. What an awesome feeling that is!!!!!!!
I dont know if my story will help anyone. It has helped me being able to share it. If there is any advice that I can give anyone, it would be to educate yourself on alcoholism. Know what you are up against and know that you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Thanks, that is a great post. I can relate so much to what you have written here, including wondering why you stayed.
From what I have read it's typical of abusers that they will make you feel like the most wonderful person one minute, the next thing you know they are screaming at you like you're the lowest worm on Earth. That's how they keep you hooked.
I am 44 and my relationship lasted for 3 years before I finally gave up. Unfortunately there is a lot of pain that gets left behind but you will recover and so will I.
From what I have read it's typical of abusers that they will make you feel like the most wonderful person one minute, the next thing you know they are screaming at you like you're the lowest worm on Earth. That's how they keep you hooked.
I am 44 and my relationship lasted for 3 years before I finally gave up. Unfortunately there is a lot of pain that gets left behind but you will recover and so will I.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: texas
Posts: 103
yes ziggy b. You are right. There is alot of pain that is left behind and unfortunatly it is left with the nons. It is such a roller coaster of a ride. Your doing great one minute and then the next...the tears are flowing.
And the alcoholic is oblivious to it.
they also have that cunning and manipulative way of knowing what your weaknesses are and that is another way they manage to keep you holding on.
I read a book by Richard Skerrit. He is a man that was in an abusive relationship for years. He has written many books. I found two of them to be very helpful on my road to recovery.
Tears and healing, and, meaning to madness
They are both very easy reads and very interesting, especially the sections that deal with sociapathic tendencies. Which I have found, that my not so significant other fit into nearly everyone of the categories when it came to a sociopath.
As sad as it is, I am glad that you found the strength to walk away from your abusive relationship.
Keep moving forward and keep healing!!!!!!!
And the alcoholic is oblivious to it.
they also have that cunning and manipulative way of knowing what your weaknesses are and that is another way they manage to keep you holding on.
I read a book by Richard Skerrit. He is a man that was in an abusive relationship for years. He has written many books. I found two of them to be very helpful on my road to recovery.
Tears and healing, and, meaning to madness
They are both very easy reads and very interesting, especially the sections that deal with sociapathic tendencies. Which I have found, that my not so significant other fit into nearly everyone of the categories when it came to a sociopath.
As sad as it is, I am glad that you found the strength to walk away from your abusive relationship.
Keep moving forward and keep healing!!!!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: texas
Posts: 103
titanic,
I have asked myself that many times? my answer is that my part of it was true and real. I have truely done everything that i know how to do. That is why I am now at the place in my life where I am finally strong enough to walk away.
Oh boy, the hurt is still there from his part not being true or real but mine was.
There is a song by reba mcentire. called
She cant save him.
Its a beautiful song about a wife that can do everything for her sick husband, but she cant save him. at some point she walks away from him and when she does she knows that she has done everything she can.
The words are:
and that day she will know that she hasnt failed
cause nothing can change him til he changes himself.
She cant save him!!!!!!
I have asked myself that many times? my answer is that my part of it was true and real. I have truely done everything that i know how to do. That is why I am now at the place in my life where I am finally strong enough to walk away.
Oh boy, the hurt is still there from his part not being true or real but mine was.
There is a song by reba mcentire. called
She cant save him.
Its a beautiful song about a wife that can do everything for her sick husband, but she cant save him. at some point she walks away from him and when she does she knows that she has done everything she can.
The words are:
and that day she will know that she hasnt failed
cause nothing can change him til he changes himself.
She cant save him!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ny/nj
Posts: 182
I know the dance of "build you up/tear you down". When my A (of TWENTY YEARS!!!!!!) walked out, and I chose to let him keep walking, the true crazy began. In the name of wanting me to take him back, he said the most vile, personally damaging, soul destroying things to me. Oh, yeah, baby, NOW I want you back.
I was informed that I was fat, unattractive, a bad parent, had no friends, was a lousy worker (I had just been laid off for economic issues), and was an overall b!t@h and c*&t, a word he had previously reserved for his ex-wife, over my objection.
Eight months out, guess what? My kids still love me (and they are teens!), I have the same wonderful friends I've always had, and I just took a new job that included a promotion. I'm also a smart professional women. The way I'm choosing to look at it now, is that I took a long (very) walk in the wrong direction.
Every time I feel weak, and miss the good things about him, I remember the times he wasn't there, and the viciousness of his attacks on me.
Good luck with your journey. Be strong.
I was informed that I was fat, unattractive, a bad parent, had no friends, was a lousy worker (I had just been laid off for economic issues), and was an overall b!t@h and c*&t, a word he had previously reserved for his ex-wife, over my objection.
Eight months out, guess what? My kids still love me (and they are teens!), I have the same wonderful friends I've always had, and I just took a new job that included a promotion. I'm also a smart professional women. The way I'm choosing to look at it now, is that I took a long (very) walk in the wrong direction.
Every time I feel weak, and miss the good things about him, I remember the times he wasn't there, and the viciousness of his attacks on me.
Good luck with your journey. Be strong.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Alabama
Posts: 239
Lynn (calling you that because it is my Mom's middle name),
I could write pages, but dear Lynn, when you measure yourself against another person, don't chose a alcoholic womanizer puking white foam.
Read that last statement and disconnect from him. Life is short, the only white foam you should be enjoying is from the waves on a beach!
Toss
I could write pages, but dear Lynn, when you measure yourself against another person, don't chose a alcoholic womanizer puking white foam.
Read that last statement and disconnect from him. Life is short, the only white foam you should be enjoying is from the waves on a beach!
Toss
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
You have done everything you can ... except marry him. Good for YOU! 
Your doing everything you could is the 4th point of a wrap up of sorts that I posted on the In Sickness and In Health thread about ending a marriage!
Your doing everything you could is the 4th point of a wrap up of sorts that I posted on the In Sickness and In Health thread about ending a marriage!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: texas
Posts: 103
question?
My A that I just walked away from called last night. I did not pick up the phone. Yeah me!!!!
He left a message. The message said: I just want you to know that I love your girls...bye.
It brought tears to my eyes last night. This morning I text him back and said, "I know you love my girls. My girls and I love you too."
I have not heard anything back from him and I wont. at least not for several weeks. (this is our pattern)
Now, keep in mind that I told him I was done a few days ago. I told him that he needed to get help. If you read my story then you know whats going on.
My question is? When you walk away from an A....is it good or bad? Is it ok or is it enabling, to still have contact with him? Is it ok to tell them that you love them? That you still care about them? or do you just ignore? Do you just drop them?
I know I have to put my best interest first. And I am good today. I have no desire to contact him anymore.
What is the best way to handle this?
My A that I just walked away from called last night. I did not pick up the phone. Yeah me!!!!
He left a message. The message said: I just want you to know that I love your girls...bye.
It brought tears to my eyes last night. This morning I text him back and said, "I know you love my girls. My girls and I love you too."
I have not heard anything back from him and I wont. at least not for several weeks. (this is our pattern)
Now, keep in mind that I told him I was done a few days ago. I told him that he needed to get help. If you read my story then you know whats going on.
My question is? When you walk away from an A....is it good or bad? Is it ok or is it enabling, to still have contact with him? Is it ok to tell them that you love them? That you still care about them? or do you just ignore? Do you just drop them?
I know I have to put my best interest first. And I am good today. I have no desire to contact him anymore.
What is the best way to handle this?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
If you don't want to talk to him anymore then I would stop responding to his messages.
He has done plenty of hurtful things to you -- you need not be concerned about him anymore if that's your desire.
I am not in contact with my A., trying to stay in touch with him could actually lead you to getting sucked in again. I'd stay away.
In the end he told me he loved me, but that he doesn't particularly "like" me anymore. A classic doublespeak move. I love you but you are contemptible. In my opinion they have nothing to offer us by hanging out in the corners of our lives, making us feel guilty and sad.
He has done plenty of hurtful things to you -- you need not be concerned about him anymore if that's your desire.
I am not in contact with my A., trying to stay in touch with him could actually lead you to getting sucked in again. I'd stay away.
In the end he told me he loved me, but that he doesn't particularly "like" me anymore. A classic doublespeak move. I love you but you are contemptible. In my opinion they have nothing to offer us by hanging out in the corners of our lives, making us feel guilty and sad.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 67
Um, I think we were suckered by the same man (not literally, of course) I only dealt with mine 11 months but your story is my story almost verbatim. You had another post about sociopathic behavior that shook me to my foundation. I had a melt down when I read it, cried for about 10 minutes after. The click of reality was so loud I was blown away. I realized that I chose to become involved with my A when the warnings, the warped, twisted behavior was there from day one. I now realize I have some seriously long and difficult work to do on ME that i would make such bad decisions. I thank God I found this forum or instead of 11 months it could have been years. I have been shown a glimps into my future and it is grim. It is dawning on me what I need to do to heal myself thanks to your story. I am only NC for a weekwith my A, but immersing myself in the experience of others has strengthened me. Wow, what a break through. Much thanks.
lalo
lalo
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"My question is? When you walk away from an A....is it good or bad? Is it ok or is it enabling, to still have contact with him? Is it ok to tell them that you love them? That you still care about them? or do you just ignore? Do you just drop them?"
IMO one goes total no contact, I see no benefit in staying in touch, what would your reason be for considering to do so? He has moved on, he is still drinking, he will only attempt to manipulate you.
IMO one goes total no contact, I see no benefit in staying in touch, what would your reason be for considering to do so? He has moved on, he is still drinking, he will only attempt to manipulate you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 67
Originally Posted by Lynnrae2 
Lalo,
post your story. I find it very healing to see everyones similarities when it comes to our A's.
post your story. I find it very healing to see everyones similarities when it comes to our A's.
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