broken101

Hello
I am so new to this all my 29 years of life and never knew an addict. I am N and I asked myself and I still do till today why did J leave me, a caring, giving, loving, smart, intelligent, educated, independent, loyal, friend and his girlfriend for a looser who is older then he, unemployed, living for free leaching off her best friend, pill popper, physco ex girlfriend. I ask what does she have that I don't? He told me he loved me, I brought him a car, food, did his laundry, brought him food, clothes, his cigarettes anything that he wanted or needed I gave to him with love. I asked him only to be honest with me that if he did not want to be with me then tell me the truth and we will just be friends. He swore on his brothers and grandfathers grave that he loved me and wanted me to be the mother of his child and his wife. Why do I feel so low, so unworthy, so helpless so inferior to her? And why do I still care for someone who hurt me so bad? I want the old J the one I fell in love with back. Why is it so difficult to accept that as he said 'does not want me'?

Thepatman

"I brought him a car, food, did his laundry, brought him food, clothes, his cigarettes anything that he wanted or needed I gave to him with love"

Have you asked yourself what HE did for you to show his love for you?

FindingErica

my guess would be drugs and a lifestyle that allows him to use guilt free.

Though it does appear you provided alot of comfort for him so he didnt have big worries while getting high. Addicts just done have that attitude of gratitude we codies expect.

Seriously, you have outlined what you brought to the relationship table? What about him? What did he DO for YOU? It sounds like youe were bringing your best casserole to the pot luck while he was bringing a stale, half eaten bag of chips.

Welcome to the board! You will learn alot here if you stick around and fine alot of people in similar boats. This is a good first step to mending your broken heart and self esteem, learning more about you and taking care of you verses others.

interrupted

I know you're hurt right now, and it feels like things will never be whole again, but in time I hope you will come to realize that he has done you a favor. You deserve to be with someone who is capable of returning all of your love and compassion in a way that he is not and never will be until he finds his own path to recovery.

I'm going to quote FindingErica from another thread and ask that you not ask why he has done the things he has done, but instead ask yourself: "Why am I not worth the same love, care and good treatment I give others and why am I attracted to sick instead of healthy people?"

Because you are worth it. I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now. Keep posting, it really does help. You're not alone.

outtolunch

Have you considered that these feelings may have nothing to do with her and all to do with why you gave him a car, bought him food, clothing and cigs and did his laundry?

Was he somehow incapable of providing these things for himself?

Would some professional help/grief counselling be helpful right now?

LoveMeNow

Damn, I think I want to be in a relationship with you!! lol

dollydo

Love cannot be bought, he used you for his own gain, then he moved on. This is not unusual in an enabler/addict relationship. They will tell you anything you want to hear to get what they want, when they are done, they are done... until they need something else from the enabler.

He probably will knock on your door again when his current "deal" heads south. Then what are you planning to do?

I am very sorry that you are hurting, however, it may be the perfect time to work on you and your self esteem issues.

Take some time to read all the stickeys at the top of this forum and others posts, lots of
helpful information at your fingertips.

broken101

Thepatman- I have asked myself that question many times and I come up with the same answer...Nothing.. He only said he loved me never really showed it in any other way.

FindingErica- Thank you for your reply. I have gone so far as to make a list of my qualities and hers. I know I am a better person with better qualities but it just hurts so bad, my A was the second person I slept with the right I fell in love with.

Interrupted- I know I deserve better but I wanted him to be the One. And thank you I know I am worth much more than he could have ever done.

Outtolunch- Yes I have taught that before I just don't understand why he would want to be with her she can't give him anything except to enable him. He said he wanted to change and at times I saw how hard he was trying. Yes he cannot provide for himself he criminal record prevents him from getting a good job, so I was helping him so that he/we can have a better life.

Dollydo- I taught that if I showed him the life I can provide for him then he would change. He said he wanted change and I was giving him a positive change. If he does knock at my door again I will not let him in, this is a promise I made to myself because I cannot hurt like this again. I am taking him to court for the car and the overdraft he acquired which I have to pay for so it does not go to the credit agencies. I am considering getting some professional help again ( I was in the beginning of our relationship when things first started to go bad) I need to work and concentrate on me.

FindingErica

I think you missed my point. This has nothing to do with her or how you two stack up, you are wasting your time comparing yourself to her. This all has to do with drugs. Addicts only care about their addiction. People are just something they use to meet their needs. Trust me, he is not done with you, he will come bck when he needs food, cigs, money...etc.

Again, please, ask yourself why you feel you deserve to be treated this way and why you are attracted to a person who uses people. It is a self esteem thing, somewhere along the course of life you believed the lie that you dont deserve the best in a relationship.

My AH is the only person i have ever slept with and we have been together almost 20 years. Im worth more than how he is treating me.

farfaraway

Broken101, I am pretty sure that with all of the qualities that you have which you mentioned at the top of this thread, you will realize pretty soon that you are BLESSED to be free from this guy. A drug user is a user in all parts of life. You've been used. Do everything in your power to not let it happen again!

mrsbrownie

(((((hugs))))) broken101.

i feel you, for a minute there i thought i was reading my life story with my xabf (minus buying him a car), and just like you my xabf went with a girl, whom he claims to be a recovering cokehead (xabf is a cokehead too), smokes weed (and shrooms) and drinking and getting wasted is her idea of spending free time and weekends, has a son who just like her smokes weed everyday. its been 25 weeks since we last spoke, been 3 months since he called me (but i didnt pick up)...up to now, although i am resigned to the fact that they are better off with each other, i still have the same questions as you, that somehow still bothers me...what is it the she has that i dont?, is she a better girlfriend than me?...things like that.

this community has helped me alot (and im so grateful)...i like it when i read from members that...he went with her because of the drugs/addiction that they both share...i have already lifted him to God, i pray everyday that he works on his sobriety...and hopefully someday even if he wouldnt come back to me, he will go back to the same wonderful person i met and fell in love with.

hang in there, it hurts like hell and and the only way to get through it is to go through it...it will get better....keep him in your prayers.

peace to you.

broken101

FindingErica- I know I am wasting my time on silly stuff like that but I do it for me just to give myself some sort of self-worth. I do thing that I have some underlying self-esteem issues ( wow that was really difficult to write, I don't know where it comes from, maybe its because I felt that he was to good for me, he's 6ft 2 in amazing shape, he had that cool dude attitude, kinda bad boy persona which also attracted me to him, I am just a normal girl that did not think I can attract a guy like him. I am crying just writing this...) maybe its because I feel I have so much that I can get any more lucky to have a normal guy that loves me for me...I am so confused

Thanks farfaraway- I was naive and I was indeed used.

mrsbrowine- I do pray for him every day. I hope that he realizes the consequences of his actions before its too late for him.

cynical one- I never knew he was doing drugs when we were together, its only after he left that I was able to look from the outside in and see the red flags, like the runny nose, the bug bites in his neck which were from the needles. If I was smart enough to recognize those sign when we were together I would have tried to do something or I would have left a long time ago.

FindingErica

Im going to say this and i dont think many on here would disagree, most people in a relationship with an addict are codependent and codependents have self esteem issues. I have self esteem issues.

Physical genetics is not what makes a person. Their actions, life choices, morals and character are what make a person. I personally dont think he sounds like a very cool guy at all; he does drugs, has a criminal past, cheats on his significant other, spends others money and basically makes a leech of himself. You on the other hand sound like a pretty decent person, you want to see the best in others and are generous. once you learn to put your kindness and generosity into a healthy context, and build your self esteem, you will attract someone who wants to have you as an equal partner and appreciates you for you. Then you will look back and say, thank goodness that is OVER!

Lynnrae2

Hold on.....he will be back!!!!!

My A dropped me for another woman.

I used to think what is wrong with me? After everything I did for him? What does she have that I do not? What does she do for him that I didnt do?

The answer is nothing....this has nothing to do with you or her. This is about him. This is his issue.

Do not ever compare yourself to the other woman or have animosity towards the other woman.

In time, you will find that he will do the same to her and I guarantee he will be back!!!!!!

After I quit comparing myself to the other woman. I actually had the strength to contact her. We actually helped each other. At first, she was stand offish and kind of ugly to me, but after a while she and I gained a relationship that shed a whole lot of insight.



The way I see it now, she actually saved me, because I used to be her and now she is me!!!!


Do not ever doubt yourself!!!!!

broken101

Thanks guys your posts are really helping me uncover the real reason I feel the way I do. I cannot say thanks enough. FindingErica, it hurts but I think you are right I do have self esteem issues. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt wanting to give him a second change to make his life better. I wanted and he said he wanted to build a life together stick together through thick and thin, good times and bad. Now Lynnare2 I am not sure he will ever be back I got a restraining order against him and I am taking him to court for the unpaid bills he left me with for the car I helped him buy we had a contract that was notarized that he will be paying me for it, of course he stole that along with my passport and SS card, but I have proof and his family and friends are willing to testify on my behalf. He also over drafted our bank account up to $660 which I am now paying for so I don't get reported to a credit agency. He left his now GF for me then me for her back, she had send me messages via FB saying he would do this to me but did I listen of course not and he said it’s because she wants to ruin his life. She told me I was not the first girl he cheated on her with and I will not be the last. She just keeps taking him back no matter how much he cheats on her. I do feel sorry for her to. And I guess you guys are right it’s his issue I am actually less stressed than I used to be, I was constantly worried about who he was with when he said he was going for drink with friends, or who he was taking to when he was not calling me on time. Now that’s the part I don't miss. His family and friends wants nothing to do with him, his parents were so happy he had me cause I was taking care of him, now they know he is back with her and they want nothing to do with him, I guess after so much chances they just gave up hope on him. All I can do is pray that he finds himself before its too late. (he OD twice the last time he was with her)

dollydo

"He also over drafted our bank account up to $660"

Please do not comingle funds in the future, this is a real bad move and never cosign for a loan, you will get stuck holding the bag....yet again.

broken101

Promis will never happen again. Lesson learnt the hard way.

mrsbrownie

[QUOTE=FindingErica;3608935]I personally dont think he sounds like a very cool guy at all; he does drugs, has a criminal past, cheats on his significant other, spends others money and basically makes a leech of himself. QUOTE]

for a minute, i thought you were describing my xabf.

Lynnrae2

Broken,,,,it sounds like you and her are in the same boat that I and the other gf have been in. the roles are just reversed. and being that you have filed legally against him...then he might not be back because he has no choice.

However, alcohol is a funny thing. Makes people do things that are unimaginable.

But.. whatever the case. Do not look at yourself as if there is something wrong with you.

My A's sister in law actually made a statement to me that now makes sense. When I was going through the doubt of myself and questioning all the whys as you are....

She said.

"Look at you, you are a beautiful woman. You are young. You have two beautiful daughters. You have a good job and you bring alot to the table. You are the total package. Who would not want to be with that? He is a sick man. He is sick in the head"

So once again....this is on him. These are his issues. Not yours!!!! And let the other gf be your saviour!!!

broken101

He’s a heroin addict, and he is terrified of going back to prison, so I know he will not come around me. But he will eventually end up locked up. I did what was needed to get his drivers licenses back and two months after it was suspended again so he is driving around with a suspended license and no insurance on the car. I sure am happy I listen to my ex husband and put the car him his name ( it used to be in my name for the purpose that I can take it back in case he does not pay but that’s just money my freedom is more important).

And fuuny thing is the first day I spent with him in his town we went to the local post office and an old woman at the window said to me honey is that your boyfriend? I said yes why? She said does your parents know? I said no why? She said honey becuase you can do better than that! I asked if she knew him and she said no but she can just tell there was something about him. I was embrassed and hurt and I told her that I did not appreciate her comment. But she was the first of many I mean total strangers giving us the look but I never cared. That should have been my first red flag but I never saw or felt the "bad vibrations" that everyone else saw. Darn me