StrictScrutiny

I am on Day 12 of no drinking, which for me is a huge feat. But now I'm forced to be "me" 24 hours a day, instead of using alcohol as a means to disappear for a while. I find this, quite frankly, painful. I am reminded of all the reasons I don't like myself, my past failures, my current shortcomings... In short, all the reasons my drinking escalated in the first place. The urge to drink to "get away" for a while is becoming stronger, and I don't know what to do.

Anyone else battle the same thing? What'd you do to overcome it & be in a better place?

Sapling

I worked the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous....It's like they were custom made for what you describe....I know....Because I was you.

pipparina

first, congrats on your 12 days. We all know how hard this is.
How are you staying sober? Are you in any program? AA or something else? Just putting down the drink and white knuckling through it can be very hard. Support is so important.

It does take time to get used to being with yourself. But part of sobriety is learning new skills to combat those demons that will try to drive you back to drink. I know for me, if I didn't go to AA, I don't think I could have stayed sober. It helped so much to hear other people having the same thoughts that I had, and that I wasn't alone in this.

SoulOnFire

This is where I fear I will be heading. I am only on the 2nd day with no alcohol, and already today I am feeling irritable and sick, and my head hurts, and I'm on edge.

It's like, I'm supposed to quit drinking so that I can feel better about myself, but without it all I can do is think about all of my ****-ups in life and the things that drove me here in the first place.

Trust me...I empathize with you. I've found this place quite helpful. Met some good people already that are amazing about talking you through things, and even went in the word game forum to try and keep my mind busy.

Also, try listening to music. It's a saving grace for me.

Best of luck, and if you want to talk about anything, I am here.

Just4Now

Hey strict...im feeling your pain right now. I want a beer so bad i can taste it. I know that if i do it, it will be nine or ten. I cant and wont give in now to start over. Im going to sit here and ride it out because the drink will ruin my night, my tomorrow and the rest of my life. Hang tough...we'll ride this one out together.

Just4Now

Soul...i understand you too. Im on day three thinking to myself...if im going to be this miserable may as well be drunk. I can only get through today and pray for more tomorrows.

Mark75

The 12 steps of AA

Needsassistance

Instead of hiding from me and life concerns with booze, I now abuse my body the healthy way...at the gym. Works wonders for me physically and mentally. I also go to weekly one on one counseling, and spend some quality time here most every day... 75 days sober and have never felt better!

Itchy

First,
Congrats! Part of it is getting worse before it gets better.

You are white knuckling and making a prediction of imminent relapse by giving justification to reasons to drink already. Both to us and yourself. Stop that now. We all know how bad it feels, but once past detox there is more work to be done. I could not have gotten two hours sober, let alone the two years I have now alone. I am recovered thanks to lots of help, soul searching, and work to change me.

You asked for advice and I'll give it to you straight, but as gently as hard truths can be given.

This is important. I only did AA for the first three months of my success along with on SR here, and in hospital detox, counseling, and support from my grown boys and wife. So my next statement is not from a lifetime AA member.

Go tonight to an AA meeting. I don't care about excuses or reasons whichever they are. I did not leave AA because of bad issues or problems with AA. I still stop by my home group once every few months to let them know I am great!

I recommend AA to everybody for as long as they need but at least for a month or two to get face to face help and numbers to call for support. That is obvious, but there is much more. First the local AA us the best olace to find out about local resources, doctors that are goid for us, and everything that successful siber people have used right there.

Go to AA and listen and ask questions. Go early and untroduce yourself before and hang around after. It is not about religion and still works for atheists. I see more creative yet irrational reasons that people avoid AA. The ones ending with it is not for me where that person never went or went to only one meeting are clear. It is the final admission that you have a problem for some, and for others that they are unique and others are just low lifes who would not understand their "functional issues." I was one of those at first. I'd be damned if I was going to listen to a bunch of losers. Until I did, I was, damned to continue. The other one is fear someone you know mihpght see you there. To most self absorbed drunks like I was, it does not occur until later that anybody that knows us to see us is seen by us too. That is what the second A in AA means.

Next, keep reading and posting here. Have some fun, and don't believe for one minute any zealot for any recovery method that theirs is the perfect one. I admit it is perfect for them as mine is for me. Or that failure to do it one way can't work for you. But to know you have to try each and read a lot. But in early sobriety we aren't ready for a lot of academic work in most cases. So AA, SMART! and here on SR have structured environments to meet and work together for help ourselves, and as wounded healers ourselves.

The most important thing to know and follow does not take a scientist to understand, but is a quote from one of the best, Einstein said:
" Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"

If what you did last time, or this time isn't working, stop the insanity! Add something, try a different recovery method, go to AA until a month passes and then see if they aren't just like us, only sober. AA is not for everybody either. I use here and several pieces of all the recovery methods here. I take what I can use, and leave the rest.

If I did, you can. If you will, you will.

Live2Run25

I am in the same boat. having a hard time with finding out who I really am. best of luck to you

Dee74

Hey Strict

I hated myself for 30 years...when I stopped drinking I had to be with myself 24/7 and that was rough....but I trusted the people here who told me things would get better so long as I didn't drink.

They were right.

You're not alone...it's ok to lean on us when it gets a little rough

You will find your idea of yourself changes after a while - 12 days is great but it's just the start of the journey not the end

I'd drunk for so long I found my perceptions were really skewed, darkly coloured by the alcohol, even when I wasn't drinking...perceptions not only of other people and the world around me, but also of myself.

This was all so ingrained it took a while (quite a long while) for me to even realise it.

When I did finally realise it, and I looked at who I was sober and the good things I was doing with my life (I really recommend volunteering or something) I had to face the fact that maybe I wasn't as bad as I'd thought.

A little counselling helped me too

Stick with it StrictScrutiny...healing is available to us all

D

hypochondriac

I did things which would make me feel better about myself. Usually that was stuff to help my recovery. There's nothing like overcoming a life long problem to make you believe that actually you're not useless

Also I had this whole looking into the past and the future thing early on which was driving me insane! Try to focus on the present and not worry about everything else. (Google mindfulness).

And don't be so hard on yourself. If you are anything like me you are probably your severest critic and most likely people around you think more of you than you do yourself. Try focusing on your positive attributes for a while.

Well done on 12 days x

Maples

So true... I am my biggest critic.

Anna

I think you're at a point where your addict mind knows that it's losing. You have 12 days of sobriety and your addict mind doesn't like that a bit. It doesn't want to lose the battle and is working overtime right now to convince you to drink. The upside is that you are doing great and you're gaining strength each day to deal with the issues of learning to like and love yourself. It's a process.

quitforme79

Hey scrutiny...first congrats on 12 days! I am on day 15 so I totally relate. I have been flooded w many emotions; anger, sadness, fear etc. And I have wanted a vacation in the bottle at times as well. I have been able to stay sober by going to AA daily and talking w people before and after meetings about what I am going thru. I also have a sponser and I call her everyday. Tomorrow we start working the steps. Although I am staying sober for me I am also sober because I have plans to meet my new AA friends at meetings and do some fun non AA things over the weekend. I kinda like these people and want to keep them in my life so drinking is out of the question Have you gone or thought about going to AA?

StrictScrutiny

Thank you everyone so so much! Today has been a battle, but not nearly as awful as yesterday. For some reason going to AA has always been a battle. I'm not sure exactly why, but I have social anxiety generally and I'm sure that's part of the reason. It's hard for me to walk into a room full of strangers, even though I know going to an AA meeting means I'm with people who know exactly what I'm going through. So I'm trying to work on that front, but it means finding emotional strength & courage I don't know if I have.

2granddaughters

I am on Day 12 of no drinking, which for me is a huge feat. But now I'm forced to be "me" 24 hours a day, instead of using alcohol as a means to disappear for a while. I find this, quite frankly, painful. I am reminded of all the reasons I don't like myself, my past failures, my current shortcomings... In short, all the reasons my drinking escalated in the first place. The urge to drink to "get away" for a while is becoming stronger, and I don't know what to do.

Anyone else battle the same thing? What'd you do to overcome it & be in a better place?




Like Sapling, AA is my ticket out of that Hell.

All the best.

Bob R

quitforme79

I was shaking from anxiety the first time I walked into an AA meeting so I totally understand. I sat in the car and debated on going in but I did and I can almost guarantee that someone will greet you or come say hi to you after or before you sit down. The kindest people are in AA and most everyone seems welcoming. I can now say that I walk into a meeting without feeling nervous at all because I know I will meet at least one person I can talk to. And even if I don't, I still get so much of of what is said there. I figured that taking the chance and being really nervous was better than the alternative which would be to drink. You have 12 days down, you can do this