Speaking of Drug testing.....
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Speaking of Drug testing.....
My husband and I went out to dinner on Friday night. At some point during the evening, he thought I gave him a strange look. I didn't!!! On the way home, he stopped at a CVS and ran in without saying why. He came out with a drug test and told me he didn't want me to ever have any doubts again. I was not even thinking about that - at all!
When we came home, the subject was dropped until the next afternoon, when he wanted to take it. He said "I want to build your trust again." I told him that a drug test was not the way to regain my trust. I had no interest in it and it was just a waste of money.
He thought he was doing a good thing and I thought it was stupid and I obviously made that known. He felt like I was putting his efforts of rebuilding "trust" down. Then I left without him that evening. Both of us were mad and then it spiraled down from there. In all honesty, I was no angel in it all and could have handled things a little more healthier. Progress not perfection.
He realized anger is a big trigger for him. I realized, at times, I need to have better communication skills. We both know we need healthier conflict resolutions skills.
He felt that he tried hard to make my birthday special (and it was) and thought the drug test would help with my trust issues. He admitted to reading a page of my journal where I wrote on top of the page -Trust .... the trust is gone forever!! Never to come back!! He swears he stopped there! I believe that because if kept reading......I would know for sure!!
I have now explained to him that - time and consistency is the only way I can ever try and trust him again. Trust doesn't come in a drug test, it comes with action, honesty and time.
Hmmmmm..... Two very different thoughts about regaining trust.
When we came home, the subject was dropped until the next afternoon, when he wanted to take it. He said "I want to build your trust again." I told him that a drug test was not the way to regain my trust. I had no interest in it and it was just a waste of money.
He thought he was doing a good thing and I thought it was stupid and I obviously made that known. He felt like I was putting his efforts of rebuilding "trust" down. Then I left without him that evening. Both of us were mad and then it spiraled down from there. In all honesty, I was no angel in it all and could have handled things a little more healthier. Progress not perfection.
He realized anger is a big trigger for him. I realized, at times, I need to have better communication skills. We both know we need healthier conflict resolutions skills.
He felt that he tried hard to make my birthday special (and it was) and thought the drug test would help with my trust issues. He admitted to reading a page of my journal where I wrote on top of the page -Trust .... the trust is gone forever!! Never to come back!! He swears he stopped there! I believe that because if kept reading......I would know for sure!!
I have now explained to him that - time and consistency is the only way I can ever try and trust him again. Trust doesn't come in a drug test, it comes with action, honesty and time.
Hmmmmm..... Two very different thoughts about regaining trust.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by outtolunch 
On Monday you shared he was moving out and the sooner the better and all that.
Was that all just talk?
Was that all just talk?
If he can stay clean and we both work on our recoveries, then we will see what happens. However, most of here know the odds!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
The dynamics are difficult to wade through. Each side will have what they feel they need to do as part of their work and what they need from their partner. And while there might be things one side needs or doesn’t need that doesn’t mean the other side won’t have to take an action on their part for them. Make sense???
It seems he needed to do that drug test for you, whether you needed it or not, whether you cared about it or not. Something in him for that moment needed to prove he could be trustworthy. I won’t speculate on any reason within him as to why …
Situations like this were the hardest for me, I needed nothing but to keep working on me, and I was focused on that. My husband needed to share with me, needed to be accountable, and I wrote of this before maybe to you, I don’t remember … but it drove me nuts because I didn’t need it … but he did, I listened out of respect for what he felt he needed to do. No hinging on, no attachments, no seeking out truth or lies. I allowed him his process within it all, and he did allow me mine.
It seems he needed to do that drug test for you, whether you needed it or not, whether you cared about it or not. Something in him for that moment needed to prove he could be trustworthy. I won’t speculate on any reason within him as to why …
Situations like this were the hardest for me, I needed nothing but to keep working on me, and I was focused on that. My husband needed to share with me, needed to be accountable, and I wrote of this before maybe to you, I don’t remember … but it drove me nuts because I didn’t need it … but he did, I listened out of respect for what he felt he needed to do. No hinging on, no attachments, no seeking out truth or lies. I allowed him his process within it all, and he did allow me mine.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Thank you Inciting for sharing. My husband is wanting to share too and it is driving me nuts. Yet, there was a time I so wanted him to share.
He struggled big time on Monday. His addiction was calling him! At first I was confused by his behavior, then I was able to step back and do nothing. He had to work through it, he has the tools. Thankfully, I have SR to come to and vent.
He struggled big time on Monday. His addiction was calling him! At first I was confused by his behavior, then I was able to step back and do nothing. He had to work through it, he has the tools. Thankfully, I have SR to come to and vent.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Struggle is normal, we all struggle, and we all learn to deal with what is in our heads. He know what to do for the best chance, try not to use his struggle as a trigger in terms of your feelings, or need to react…
And they always talk once we stop asking questions and needing to know. It is very annoying I find. But if you choose to hang around you are going to have to accept that he will need to share for him. It isn’t about you, it is what he feels he needs to do…with my husband that might have pissed me off more, lol. Finally he shares, even though I could've cared less and it had nothing to do with me. Well WTF is that all about
Really now...
And they always talk once we stop asking questions and needing to know. It is very annoying I find. But if you choose to hang around you are going to have to accept that he will need to share for him. It isn’t about you, it is what he feels he needs to do…with my husband that might have pissed me off more, lol. Finally he shares, even though I could've cared less and it had nothing to do with me. Well WTF is that all about
Really now...
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