womaninprogress

If you don't know me, I've been with my A three years. He has not had a drink in the last six months. He's not working a program, but he's doing ok....

or is he? Is it me? I'm so messed up.....

#1 since he quit drinking he's gone from one "project" to the next. First he works full time, he also got his GED, got certified in a few skills of his trade, took driving classes to get his license back, rebuilt a truck, and now the last three months he's been working 80+ hours a week.

#2 He has made great strides in getting his life on track, see above. All things I've "harped" on him about for three years with no success until now.

#3 I can't help but wonder what will happen when there is no "project" or only 40 hour work week....

My perspective, for three years I have waited for him to get sober, being a from alcoholic family, I played the role to the T. Codie, never spoke up abut MY feelings, tried to be perfect so I wouldn't "drive him to drink". Then when he quit drinking, I've found myself keeping feelings in and not "nagging" because he had his hands full just not drinking. And now I find myself keeping my mouth shut because he works so damn much he only has time to eat, sleep, poop and work. I can't help but feel like I'll spend the rest of my life waiting on the situation to be perfect so I can even bring up my "needs". He's been sober six months and I'm still walking around on egg shells. My problem or his?

When he drank I told him I felt our relationship was superficial. I still feel that way. Lately when I talk he completly ignores me, not intentionally, (I think he's adhd, like a little kid when cartoons are on, if the TV has his attention the house could cave in and he wouldn't notice) or he snaps at me and it's excused because he's exhausted from working so much. When all I want is a little "relating". I miss him. I'm lonely. I just want to talk, I'm not spewing demands or honey do's.

I know I have "issues". I know I'm "codie/acoa/ect ect.....but I guess I just need to remind myself that no matter if my feelings stem from any of these things, MY FEELINGS ARE VALID. Right?

And I KNOW alot of my angst is just normal stuff that all moms/wives get frustrated with. I work full time too! Yes I work in a nice cushy office setting on my butt but the mental fatigue of just dealing with the people makes me want to go empty sewers instead some days. And then we live with/ care for my mother who's got terminal cancer (whole other bag of goodies there) plus it's my daughters senior year in high school and my man works all the friggin time! Most days I feel like the only way anyone notices me is if dinner isan't on the table or they don't have any clean clothes. POOOR me, I feel pathetic and like I'm seeking attention. But damn it I AM!

Ahhhhhh......that felt good. So here's to all you overworked, under appreciated, under paid, HERO mothers/ wives/ sisters/ secretaries/ daughters/ friends/ lawyers/ doctors/ wives of A's/ blessed angels. I thank you for caring for your families. I thank you for contributing to your communities. I thank you because if your like me, no one else will today.

BlueSkies1

Alcoholics often try to fill up all the hours in the day after they quit drinking. Sitting still, contemplating nature, this inactivity triggers some to start thinking about drinking.
But all that is his to resolve--
How many years are you going to stuff your feelings?
How about writing down your needs and wants, figuring out which is which emotionally, and then asking to have them met, one at a time, and see how it goes?
Life isn't fair, and we will simply be used by others if we let it go that way...it's our own responsibility to get our needs met.
and Thank You for being a good person and helping others!
Now, help YOU...!

ZiggyB

I agree with Made of Glass, he is probably trying to stay as busy as he possibly can so he doesn't have time to think about drinking. So now he is doing everything you wanted him to do before and you still don't seem happy.

There are no perfect men or perfect relationships. If you are waiting for him to change into Prince Charming to make your life better that is not going to happen. I understand your loneliness and your wanting to be appreciated by him. Do you think he has needs that are not being met by you or do you think he's just avoiding you?

I wouldn't recommend keeping your mouth shut forever because you will likely start to feel resentful.

Have you considered marriage counseling or individual counseling?

womaninprogress

I don't expect perfection. I would appreciate his being presant when he's in the same room at the least. Is that an unreasonable demand?

I KNOW it is not his job to make me happy, I'm just trying to figure out where I'm at. Kind of lost right now.

And yes I would love counseling (individual), am making calls tonite to inquire. I have no insurance so we'll see.

ZiggyB

Sorry, I hope that didn't come across as being rude.

I only know too well the feeling of trying to change other people and also being the one someone else is trying to change. No matter what side of the fence you're on it's difficult. I was trying to get my ex to quit drinking and he was trying to change pretty much everything about my entire personality. Both of us ended up being angry and frustrated.

My insurance does not pay for counseling so I end up paying for it out of pocket. It does help me to feel less confused so I think it's worth it if you can afford it.

kewlgurl

I think most of us feel exactly how you feel...you are NOT alone!

LifeRecovery

I can relate to so many things

I am in recovery for my own stuff (not alcohol/drug). I still struggle to sit still, because then I have to be present and feel stuff which continues to be a challenge for me, both as someone in recovery and as someone working on my codie stuff. A lot of my codie "doing" and "fixing" is about not being able to be present in the presences of another.

My loved one that is my qualifier with alcohol found out he was ADD right before we split. In the four months prior to us splitting he started to deal with his ADD and it was like I saw a different person emerge. I don't know if it long-term impacted his use of alcohol (that he had not addressed yet), but looking back it is often hard for me to know what is related to my loved ones alcohol use....and what is ADD. Work by Melissa Orzlov and Ed Hardwell (google them) has been really helpful for me in separating them out.

I also had a lot of grief in the disease. On top of that I had just lost my father in law (the 15th death in three years) six months prior. Learning about and acknowledging that aspect of my questions allowed me to be gentle on myself for not doing it fast enough or perfect enough. I did a book called The Grief Recovery Handbook which was great.

Hang in there.

Tuffgirl

It actually may be an unreasonable demand of him right now. Doesn't mean it always will be that way, but for right now, I think he's shown you that what he has to offer is all he has to offer.

Early sobriety is tough. Especially since it sounds as if he doesn't have much support from fellow alcoholics to lean on. Have patience. More to be revealed.

Titanic

Early recovery per AA = One Year. Sorry for what you're going through.

How about pastoral or religious advisor counseling - it's free. How about EAP through your job - it's free. How about counseling through a school or university psych program - it's free or at very most based on a sliding scale of a small amount.

womaninprogress

Thank you all for your suggestions. I will deffinately check the different avenues for counseling.

And thank you for the reminders to be patient. I think that's the root of it all. I'm feeling my life is in "limbo" right now. And with my mom's eminent demise in the near future I guess I feel.....???? I don't know. Probably within the next year my mom will be gone, my kid will be off to college and I will have big life decisions to make and I'm just not sure yet how comfortable I will be including him in those decisions.

I'm sure anyone who's ever dealt with an alcoholic has been manipulated and I guess it's just hard for me to be sure his feelings are sincere. I guess I really question if he's all of a sudden "towing the line" because I stand to inherit my moms house, it's about 1/2 paid for at the moment. He has just been very interested in that. And both of our credit is bad so he's talking about his dad helping and I'm going to have to make a decision soon, and if you asked me today, I don't want to be on a house loan with him, or have his Dad on MY MOMS house...And with him not being available to me emotionally or me not feeling we actually have an intimate relationship, it makes me question his motives. I COMPLETLY understand he needs time to work on him, **** I KNOW I need time to work on me. I'm just freaked out because these big decisions are coming, no matter how much time we need.

Thank you all for listening. I feel better and in writing it out I at least have a good understanding of what I'm feeling and why. At least that's a starting point.

FireSprite

I struggle SO MUCH with keeping my patience in check sometimes. When I look at our situation(s) from his perspective vs. mine I SEE the long hard road of recovery much more clearly... but that's HIS long hard road in so may ways & Life keeps happening around us & needs to be tended to on a daily basis. I think one of the hardest balances in recovery (esp the earliest parts) is dealing honestly with the past while simultaneously moving forward today. That's why no matter how far he's come, I have to do what's best for me first.

I do want to point out though, I think this is where working a program helps RAH focus on the recovery/therapy side of sobriety & not just keeping busy through it. He said one of the best benefits is that even during the worst meeting it forces him to slow down & make time for his recovery mentally. Sort of like the difference between keeping something in a closet vs. actually pulling it out & looking at it regularly. Otherwise he gets too tied up in everything else to give it the proper attention. He definitely gets very antsy & distracted & focused on work to the exclusion of everything else around him when he's stressed & needs a meeting.

Titanic

Protect YOURSELF financially at all costs from now on. If he has sustained recovery, earned your trust and become a true relationship partner 2-5 years down the road, you can take his financial interests into account then and revisit things. Waiting is best.

For now, work on YOUR recovery, self-care and self-protection.