mdkathy62

Good morning all,

I'm new to this thread and relatively new to the topic of sobriety in general. I came to this thread in hopes of finding people who are open and can share their experiences with me regarding being in a relationship with someone who is a recovering alcoholic.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 3 years and it has been a really rough ride. When it's great it's great, and when it was bad, it was awful. He is now almost 7 months sober, which we both never thought was possible. Up until his DUI, we didn't even realize he was an alcoholic. After his DUI, he committed himself to the program and has been doing wonderful.

Perhaps it's me being naive, but I thought once he chose this new lifestyle that everything would be wonderful. For the first six or so months, it was. He was positive, determined, thoughtful, sensitive, everything that I always believed he was and is. Recently, he's been working on step 4 of the program--taking a moral inventory of himself. This step has made it really difficult to be around him. Often, I feel neglected and unloved. He's very distant, cold, we don't communicate like we used to, and what hurts most, when I talk to him about how all this makes me feel, he turns away, often not looking at me when I cry.

I speak to his sponsor to get some insight and his sponsor told me this is normal, that this is perhaps the hardest step, to look at himself and it is probably the first time he is really and truly reflecting on who he is and what he has done and he probably doesn't like it.

I'm at a loss of what to do. I spend many nights sleeping on the couch because I just can't stand to be next to him while I cry and he turns the other way. I told him that I'd rather not be at home most of the time since he continually neglects me. He's always doing homework and playing video games.

Idk...I love him dearly and I see that he is trying very hard. He's focusing on school, taking over 20 credits to make up for the time he wasted drinking. He's going to AA daily and is honest (unlike before where he lied regularly), and more open. Still, I just feel so frustrated, unloved, and neglected. I feel as though we are two strangers living together, no romance, no empathy on his end, nothing.

I've attended a couple Al-Anon meanings, which encouraged me to take care of myself and why I have been going out more, but I can't just keep disappearing. I just don't know what to do. It hurts me so much when I cry and he turns away. He doesn't want to face it. He doesn't want to deal with what he has created.

Someone, please...please don't tell me to leave him. We've made a commitment to be together. We have a plan laid out for the long term and he often tells me that he wants to continue with AA so we can move on. It seems that this fourth step is creating a huge roadblock. Someone, please, I guess I just need some reassurance, some comforting, to know that someone out there is here for me. I can't get through to him right now and I can't talk to my friends about it...I'm just stuck.

dollydo

Welcome. I suggest that you read the stickeys at the top of all the Family & Friends Forums, also read cynical one(s) blogs, you can access at the top of this page and insert
the name to read. Lot of great information at your fingertips.

Since you have decided to stay no matter what, I would learn all I can about addiction and keep those meetings up. The more you work on yourself the healthier you will become, as we codies are as sick as the addict themselves.

In order to have a healthy relationship you both must get healthy.

BlueSkies1

I have not been with a person going through the steps, but I do think more alanon meetings may be of use to you.
Maybe if you look at it in this light--you are with someone who has been sick. Some days they are still sick, and so on those days you have to amuse yourself, and find comfort elsewhere while they lie in bed. They are getting better, but they are not all better yet.
I have read on here many times that an alcoholic in early recovery is as difficult to live with as an active alcoholic, just in different ways.
I have also heard that alcoholics are on a "pink cloud" during the early months of sobriety because they are so proud that they have abstained for whatever time period. Like getting a natural high off being proud of themselves.
That feeling can't last forever though, and a return to normalcy and doing step 4, may make him emotionally unavailable for awhile.
Friends! Family! Alanon! Your own schooling perhaps?! Chase your personal dreams during this time! Find ways to live for yourself!

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you.

I noticed that you blame him for putting you in this situation.

I encourage you to work the kind of program you want to see him working, and attend as many Alanon meetings as you can. Find a sponsor and begin working on the steps.

My reason for encouraging you to work a program as hard as he is working his is because of my own personal experience of being married to an active alcoholic. I was so focused on his actions/inactions that I became obsessed with him and his addiction. During the process of staying focused on him, I lost sight of the one life I had control over: MINE.

I realized that I was looking at his life with a magnifying glass and finding his imprefections. All the while, my own personal actions/reactions/inactions were becoming unhealthy. I needed to put down the magnifying glass that kept me focused on the addict and pick up a mirror and look at myself.

I had allowed myself to become someone I didn't like. I needed to work on becoming a healthier me. I had lost my self confidence, my failth in myself, and my dreams.

By blaming another adult for our problems, our happiness, our well being ~ we give them our power.

Take your power back and become the best YOU there is, and no matter what happens in his recovery, YOU will know that YOU will be okay.

mdkathy62

Thank you everyone for your responses. I'm going to try to continue going to Al-Anon and facing all these feelings I have. I know I have a lot of resentment towards him. I've "loaned" him so much money, money which I feel I may honestly never see again. I've lied so people don't think badly of him, I've cooked, cleaned, everything, and yet it never feels like it's enough. Even when I try to work on myself, e.g., working out, eating right, going out with my friends, shopping, etc., I continue to worry about him. Some days I don't think about him very much, but when I'm not home, I wonder if I should still make him food, else he would just eat pb&j sandwiches all day.

It drives me crazy to try not to drive myself crazy, if that makes sense. I just wish he would "get it". He tells me he wishes more than anyone that he could just get it. I just don't understand. I've always been that person that if you want something, go do it, no excuses, so if I'm crying and he's turning away, how is that him loving me like he claims? Lately, whenever he does that, I grab a blanket and pillow and go to the couch. I know any trying to talk to him would be useless. I take care of myself, but I worry that enough distance will eventually condition me not to care for him anymore...

Yesterday he said I don't talk much anymore and I told him because I got used to not talking to him. I more readily talk to my other friends before him. I don't want our relationship to fade, but it is SO hard to go from super happy lovey dovey to giving him space. I like MadeofGlass's words about him being sick and some days I have to leave him alone. It's just so hard to bounce back and forth like that. Like...gosh, why can't we just be a normal couple??

Pelican

Wow, you described me in my relationship with my alcoholic. exactly.

Why can't you be a "normal" couple? In my case, we were not normal individuals. I was codependent to the max, and he was an active alcoholic. nothing normal in that equation.

Here is a link with some info on codependency:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html

BlueSkies1

Life is imperfect every step of the way and everything we encounter. There's nothing perfect about it. that's how I look at it these days.
Normal couple? I don't even know a single normal person, much less a normal couple.

Tuffgirl

welcome mdkathy62. Honestly, I think your expectations may be a bit high. I know mine were. I thought recovery meant - BAM - we were back to what I defined as "normal". But I now know recovery means a life long journey full of ups and downs. All I can suggest is patience, and let go of your ideals on what a "normal" relationship should look like. Enjoy yours if it makes you happy and meets your needs. If not, then you know you always have the option of ending this one and finding another that better suits you.

Keep reading on this site - especially the newcomers to recovery and the alcoholism forums. You may find more information there that can help you understand the stages of recovery, as well as how it is a lifetime decision, not a quick fix.

Loughborough

Hi, I don't have any advice for you as I am going through my own trials with my husband at the moment, but one of your comments "It drives me crazy not to drive myself crazy," reminded me of something I heard on TV the other day. I was watching one of those "Intervention," shows (it was Monday night this week I think, if you are interested in finding it). The counselor said something like--the addict spends lots of energy and time looking for his next fix, and you, the family/friends, spend just as much energy and time worrying about the addict," or something along those lines. It's true, I go crazy worrying about my husband, how much has he had to drink today, should I go check, how many beers were there this morning, how many beers are there now, how many will there be tonight and on and on....I do know that AlAnon says we aren't supposed to check. I try not to, BUT....more days than not, I do...so I understand what you are saying about being crazy!

Titanic

From page 36 of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie:
Counting beer bottles, for example.

Active As drink; it's what they do. If there is a bottle in the house, the A will drink. Counting is a waste of time.

You can set a boundary that you will not allow alcohol in the house. Or you don't, and allow it in the house but do not count bottles then - let go.

Instead of going to count bottles, put your Al-Anon reading material between you and the bottles.

Serenity to you.

LGLG1015

I've been hearing about the "pink cloud" a lot lately. My husband too is on step 4 and I think he's too afraid to even start it - he's just in a state of nothing which is doing a number on us. I have heard this is one of the hardest steps and can last the longest which scares the crap out of me! I hope you have the power to stay strong during this time.

Hopeworks

Mdkathy,

Welcome. I see all kinds of red flags in your post about your previous relationship and I know red flags as I used to collect them in all of my relationships like they were party favors!

I wish I had a do-over in my own relationship with my XA but I don't... however, I do get to come on this website and meetings and share my ESH for whatever it is worth to others who are walking a similar path to my past journey.

When A's are actively drinking they need someone to "loan" them money, feed them, keep house, take care of their personal business and when we do those things for another adult it sets us up to fail in what becomes an unhealthy relationship. At least you kept up the pretense of "loans" with your A my XA owed thousands and thousands of "loans" prior to me that he never paid so it would have been stupid to even pretend I would ever be paid back!

The worst case scenario is what you have now will be the best it ever gets and if you decide that this is good enough for a lifetime then you can just hunker down and ride out the storm... or you can embark on a journey of self discovery and learn more about yourself and the relationship with your A.

What helped me was having plan A, plan B and plan C. I hoped for plan A but ended up in plan C!

It is a mystery of why we are attracted like magnets to men who often have deep personality flaws... we believe that once they stop drinking it is all peaches, roses and rainbows but it is not! The drinking is just the surface of the "iceberg" of deep issues under the waves of what is a stormy sea of problems!

I unraveled my "mystery" and understand my screwed up hard wiring from my childhood and own personality flaws and why I am attracted to a type of man that usually ends up being alcoholic. Turning the key in the lock and figuring out the why is the first step towards my own happiness and serenity... this website was a big key for me! I also utilized counseling, alanon and reading books by the wheelbarrow load!

I hope my rambling is making some sense to you and through the rambling that you are hearing "hope" because there is a lot of of it for you in your future. It may not seem like it now but we make our own happiness and our own futures... the person you MAY be looking for is YOU!!!! And you are worth it... please keep coming back and sharing your story and journey.

mdkathy62

It's really nice to be able to come here and share my story and read everyone's feedback. The past two days, I've been leaving the house more, doing what I want to do rather than staying home with him and becoming angry. I'm starting to feel like it's harder and harder to talk to him. When I talk to him and he's his happy, go-lucky self, it's wonderful, but their moods change so quickly. The next minute, he'll completely isolate and shut down. He came back from an AA meeting Wednesday night and we talked a bit. He says he's trying and it's a battle then he gave me suggestions on what I can do to get through to him, and my first thought was, "Are you crazy?? Another thing I have to do to make YOUR life easier??"

Sometimes it feels like I'm bending over backwards so that he doesn't have to feel bad, feel like he's a failure, etc and that's really difficult to do. Someone once told me that you should love the other person the way they need and that when they are acting like the don't deserve to be loved is when they need it most. I can't imagine how difficult this is for him. He says it's really difficult to change the way he thinks, but similarly, I just can't wrap my brain around how someone can apologize for something and do it again so quickly. For example, he said his worst character defect is his procrastination. He's done it forever, so it's going to take time to not procrastinate then in the next breath I ask him to wash the dishes, he says he will, and a whole day later, they are still sitting there!

I just don't understand. I try hard to understand but I'm trying to also give us both space because I know the more I put a microscope on everything he's not doing, the more I drive myself crazy as well as him. I wish he could get it but I know it will take time. I'm just sticking through it, one day at a time. All the people I have met in his meetings show me that it's possible and I know he wants to be recovered like them someday.

One day at a time...easier said than done.

Freedom1990

"Normal is a cycle on the washing machine." ~Naomi Judd

Titanic

Instead of putting a microscope on his issues, put the microscope (and, at first, you WILL need a microscope! LOL) on the things about him that you can be grateful for. Those go on your Gratitude List. Write them out. For every negative thing that comes into your head, try to substitute it immediately with a list of three to five positive ones. Try to say STOP to the worrisome, pestering or obsessive thoughts, hear a HONK, and GO driving off by doing one little thing, the next right thing, a YOU recovery thing.

Peace.

redatlanta

Md - Your last post reminded me of life the first year I was with my many years sober fiance. The onus was always put on me to figure everything out. A lot of blame game - "I said this because of the way YOU talked to me. I did this because YOU did that, this didn't get done because YOU didn't do something else" the YOU being ME.

I found that I, who have always said what I thought, started not saying or responding in order to keep peace and balance. I looked every morning for things that needed to be done so he wouldn't get upset or be overwhelmed - that's before I went to work while he is at home. I took on most of the responsibilities including his often stupid, immature emotional upsets commonly found in 10 year olds - he was 48.

Then I found myself exhausted and feeling jailed. He didn't put me there I put me there. And one day I exploded like the bombs on Hiroshima. That was the first time I set boundaries #1 being I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS. We then went about correcting our behaviors and it was a WE as the choice was do it or part ways.

I strongly recommend setting your boundaries now as it is easier to prevent than to correct. I like the advice given by Titanic - I am grateful for him and many things about him and in several ways he has brought out the best in me.

NYCDoglvr

Untrue. In AA's Big Book Bill Wilson says "drinking is only a symptom" of this disease. At seven months he's still a newcomer, it takes many years for recovering alcoholics to work out their character defects and then it's an ongoing process of doing the steps. As an alcoholic with 21 years of recovery I do know that for the first five or so we're dealing with a lot of anger, low self-esteem combined with enormous ego and self will.

It doesn't sound as if this relationship is working and it may be a good idea to consider parting ways and finding someone with fewer problems. It helps to let go of expectations and start thinking about what works for you and what doesn't.

Learn2Live

Here's what I did:
Read Codependent No More.
Went to Al-Anon daily.
Stopped caretaking and lying for the alcoholic.
Resolved that I will not cry in front of a man.
Say the Serenity Prayer and read Just For Today as often as necessary.

skwgtb

mdkathy, When I read your first post, I couldn't believe how similiar your story is to mine. My boyfriend of 7 years is also in his 7th month of recovery, sort of working on step 4 and seems to behave the same way. The difference for me though is that he is the one that leaves all the time. He has made a lot of new friends in AA and I think that is great. However, it seems he has maybe become too involved with them sometimes. He is constantly driving them around everywhere and is on the phone with at least one of them every night. Sometimes I think he knows and cares more about what is going on in their lives than in his own, namely me and my step-daughters. I can't get him to spend a few hours or have a convesation with me for more than 10 minutes but he has all the time in the world for them.

On top of that, he goes to 10PM meetings 4 or 5 nights a week and hangs out there afterward until sometimes 1 or 2AM. Yes, I know that is where he is and I know he isn't drinking. I know I should just be grateful that he is spending his time there and not at a bar drinking. But I have found myself saying "What about me?" a LOT the past couple months. Am I selfish to feel like I have been left behind? I know he loves me but I feel like he couldn't care less if I am ever around.

Titanic

skwgtb: Read his Big Book Chapters "To the Wives" and "The Family Afterwards." Read the Al-Anon booklet "Living With Sobriety." You'll find stuff for what you're dealing with there.