are they all.....
box of chocolates
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
are they all.....
are all alcoholics mean? do they all cry,yell and torment people?
do they all think the worst of people or situations ? do they all harp on the past?
do they want to get better ? do they? is what they say or the way they think true?
im depressed asking myself these questions. im lonely and im very sad and the alcoholic in my life is draining me of joy. I've left. I've been supportive. I've been honest. I've been kindI've stood ground. i don't know what more to do thevfact is it doesn't matter because
to him what i do is wrong . what i don't do is wrong. what has happened has ended his world and what will happen in his world isvthe end. there's no up and there's always a down. its always someone else or its all him. its black and white and nothing in between.
the constant worry and stress and pain and sadness and sadness and embarrassment ...when does it end? obviously when he feta help or when i say no more. truth is what comes first? do they not realize that the alcohol is the main cause of their dysfunction and problems? when is alcohol the bad guy and not anyone o
r anything else?
do they all think the worst of people or situations ? do they all harp on the past?
do they want to get better ? do they? is what they say or the way they think true?
im depressed asking myself these questions. im lonely and im very sad and the alcoholic in my life is draining me of joy. I've left. I've been supportive. I've been honest. I've been kindI've stood ground. i don't know what more to do thevfact is it doesn't matter because
to him what i do is wrong . what i don't do is wrong. what has happened has ended his world and what will happen in his world isvthe end. there's no up and there's always a down. its always someone else or its all him. its black and white and nothing in between.
the constant worry and stress and pain and sadness and sadness and embarrassment ...when does it end? obviously when he feta help or when i say no more. truth is what comes first? do they not realize that the alcohol is the main cause of their dysfunction and problems? when is alcohol the bad guy and not anyone o
r anything else?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Originally Posted by thislonelygirl 
are all alcoholics mean? do they all cry,yell and torment people?
do they all think the worst of people or situations ? do they all harp on the past?
do they want to get better ? do they? is what they say or the way they think true?
im depressed asking myself these questions. im lonely and im very sad and the alcoholic in my life is draining me of joy. I've left. I've been supportive. I've been honest. I've been kindI've stood ground. i don't know what more to do thevfact is it doesn't matter because
to him what i do is wrong . what i don't do is wrong. what has happened has ended his world and what will happen in his world isvthe end. there's no up and there's always a down. its always someone else or its all him. its black and white and nothing in between.
the constant worry and stress and pain and sadness and sadness and embarrassment ...when does it end? obviously when he feta help or when i say no more. truth is what comes first? do they not realize that the alcohol is the main cause of their dysfunction and problems? when is alcohol the bad guy and not anyone or anything else?
do they all think the worst of people or situations ? do they all harp on the past?
do they want to get better ? do they? is what they say or the way they think true?
im depressed asking myself these questions. im lonely and im very sad and the alcoholic in my life is draining me of joy. I've left. I've been supportive. I've been honest. I've been kindI've stood ground. i don't know what more to do thevfact is it doesn't matter because
to him what i do is wrong . what i don't do is wrong. what has happened has ended his world and what will happen in his world isvthe end. there's no up and there's always a down. its always someone else or its all him. its black and white and nothing in between.
the constant worry and stress and pain and sadness and sadness and embarrassment ...when does it end? obviously when he feta help or when i say no more. truth is what comes first? do they not realize that the alcohol is the main cause of their dysfunction and problems? when is alcohol the bad guy and not anyone o
r anything else?The real question is, what is it that you want for your life ???
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Definitely not all alcoholics behave the same when actively drinking.
However, I think you have stumbled upon something that is a common experience when caring for someone who is an alcoholic. There is nothing we can do or say that will make any difference in their world--but we do sometimes become the person they can blame for all of their problems.
No amount of reasoning, cheering, supporting, arguing, begging, nagging, or tears will get an active alcoholic to change. Only when and if the pain of the consequences of drinking become greater than the thought of being without alcohol will some alcoholics decide for themselves that they need to quit.
I'm sorry for your ride on the 'crazy train'. You can get off any time you like--that power is yours. Come here and vent anytime you need! We get it....
However, I think you have stumbled upon something that is a common experience when caring for someone who is an alcoholic. There is nothing we can do or say that will make any difference in their world--but we do sometimes become the person they can blame for all of their problems.
No amount of reasoning, cheering, supporting, arguing, begging, nagging, or tears will get an active alcoholic to change. Only when and if the pain of the consequences of drinking become greater than the thought of being without alcohol will some alcoholics decide for themselves that they need to quit.
I'm sorry for your ride on the 'crazy train'. You can get off any time you like--that power is yours. Come here and vent anytime you need! We get it....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Yes, And No
My Wife, when not drinking, is a very sweet, kind, caring, and compassionate person who would do anything for anyone.
BUT, and it's a big BUT, when she driks, she becomes a totally different person. She cries, she accuses, she belittles, she blames (me, of course, for ALL the problems that exist in her life), and it goes on and on.
I tried guilting, sarcasm, controlling, suggesting - none of it worked on how much she consumed. So, I am learning to detach and realize that I can't do a darn thing about it - if she wants to destroy herself, then that's her choice. I'll be protecting myself and my son if it comes to that.
It's not easy. We understand. Post often.
Peace
BUT, and it's a big BUT, when she driks, she becomes a totally different person. She cries, she accuses, she belittles, she blames (me, of course, for ALL the problems that exist in her life), and it goes on and on.
I tried guilting, sarcasm, controlling, suggesting - none of it worked on how much she consumed. So, I am learning to detach and realize that I can't do a darn thing about it - if she wants to destroy herself, then that's her choice. I'll be protecting myself and my son if it comes to that.
It's not easy. We understand. Post often.
Peace
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"are all alcoholics mean? do they all cry,yell and torment people?"
Can't speak for anyone else, however, my exabf was all of the above and more. When he was sober he was paranoid and anxious...coarse he was a crack user too..so who knows, what came first...the chicken or the egg?
All I can is that living with him was h#ll on earth, so glad that I am done with that mess of a man.
Keep posting and take some time to read all the stickeys at the top of all the family and friends forum...will help.
Can't speak for anyone else, however, my exabf was all of the above and more. When he was sober he was paranoid and anxious...coarse he was a crack user too..so who knows, what came first...the chicken or the egg?
All I can is that living with him was h#ll on earth, so glad that I am done with that mess of a man.
Keep posting and take some time to read all the stickeys at the top of all the family and friends forum...will help.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 490
Originally Posted by thislonelygirl
the fact is it doesn't matter because
to him what i do is wrong . what i don't do is wrong. what has happened has ended his world and what will happen in his world is the end. there's no up and there's always a down. its always someone else or its all him. its black and white and nothing in between.
to him what i do is wrong . what i don't do is wrong. what has happened has ended his world and what will happen in his world is the end. there's no up and there's always a down. its always someone else or its all him. its black and white and nothing in between.
It's all about him.
With his bottle in between the two of you, there is no room for you at all.
His bottle takes up almost all of the space.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Hello lonelygirl...you won't be as lonely anymore if you seek help here and other places, like alanon, reading, and other boards.
What I see in your post is not really the questions you posed, but the pain you are feeling. If you are in a lot of pain in your relationship, then the question becomes whether to stay or leave to find some relief from that pain.
Like the alcoholic only gives up the alcohol when he/she finally realizes that it is causing them too much pain, so too, must those who love alcoholics decide when the alcoholic is causing them too much pain, and likewise, give them up.
We want them to give up the alcohol instead of us having to give up them, naturally. But we often don't get that result.
I do like what is called the three c's...you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
So what can you do to make YOU happier? There's a way out of the pain and madness, and it is in the answer to that question.
We have to start taking care of our own happiness, and be responsible for whether we are happy or not. I can pretty much guaranttee you that no active alcoholic is going to hand you happiness, so the responsibility, and the way out, are in finding our happiness ourselves.
What I see in your post is not really the questions you posed, but the pain you are feeling. If you are in a lot of pain in your relationship, then the question becomes whether to stay or leave to find some relief from that pain.
Like the alcoholic only gives up the alcohol when he/she finally realizes that it is causing them too much pain, so too, must those who love alcoholics decide when the alcoholic is causing them too much pain, and likewise, give them up.
We want them to give up the alcohol instead of us having to give up them, naturally. But we often don't get that result.
I do like what is called the three c's...you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
So what can you do to make YOU happier? There's a way out of the pain and madness, and it is in the answer to that question.
We have to start taking care of our own happiness, and be responsible for whether we are happy or not. I can pretty much guaranttee you that no active alcoholic is going to hand you happiness, so the responsibility, and the way out, are in finding our happiness ourselves.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by Lulu39
And there is my experience right there and also your answer.
It's all about him.
With his bottle in between the two of you, there is no room for you at all.
His bottle takes up almost all of the space.
It's all about him.
With his bottle in between the two of you, there is no room for you at all.
His bottle takes up almost all of the space.
My dad was an alcoholic and even though he felt sorry for himself and was emotionally unavailable, he wasn't as mean as my AH can be when sober. My dad was just loud and embarrassing. So, I don't want you to think that ALL A's are the same, I just know that I've had similar experiences to yours.
The question is: what are you doing for you, right now? Are you reading books on codependency, spending time with friends, going to Al Anon, taking up a new hobby? There are so many things we can do for US, it really does help us to take the focus off the A and worry about ourselves. One thing I say to myself when my A gets crazy and weird with his behavior or words and I feel defensive, I remind myself to QTIP(quit taking it personally). It's a disease of the mind, too, and I have to remind myself that he is what he is and I can't change that and I can choose to NOT take what he says personally. Now, it doesn't always work but at least I'm making an attempt to mentally redirect myself when I get hurt by his words. Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi lonelygirl,
Not all people are the same but what you describe sounds very familiar to me.
And no, many people do not realize alcohol is the source of their dysfunction because they are using it to cope with life and simply don't know any other way of being.
Everything I did was wrong too, I was constantly scolded and lectured for not being "enough" for him. My guess is he will struggle with this problem for the rest of his life but at least I'm not there to experience the pain every day.
Though I do recognize my self esteem is still a mess and I have been suffering from depression, I'm seeking counseling anyway. I hope you feel better soon!
-z
Not all people are the same but what you describe sounds very familiar to me.
And no, many people do not realize alcohol is the source of their dysfunction because they are using it to cope with life and simply don't know any other way of being.
Everything I did was wrong too, I was constantly scolded and lectured for not being "enough" for him. My guess is he will struggle with this problem for the rest of his life but at least I'm not there to experience the pain every day.
Though I do recognize my self esteem is still a mess and I have been suffering from depression, I'm seeking counseling anyway. I hope you feel better soon!
-z
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Some can say mean things, some can do mean things, some can refuse to communicate, some can withdraw alltogether, ...
What IS the bottom line is the addiction, the alcoholism. It is what it is, and the alcoholics do what they do.
We sure as heck didn't cause the alcoholism (or the A to drink). And since we can't control or cure the alcoholism or the A, we can only:
Those options come from the Radical Acceptance thread on this forum. You may want to check it out.
Peace.
What IS the bottom line is the addiction, the alcoholism. It is what it is, and the alcoholics do what they do.
We sure as heck didn't cause the alcoholism (or the A to drink). And since we can't control or cure the alcoholism or the A, we can only:
- Solve our problem some other way (boundaries, leaving the room, detaching, praying, etc.)
- Change our attitude (the A is SICK, so what's happening isn't reflective of me and I won't let it ruin my day)
- Accept (this is what it is right now; I can go about calmly, knowing that I've tried the above and there's nothing else I can do for now)
- Stay miserable
Those options come from the Radical Acceptance thread on this forum. You may want to check it out.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
If they're all like that or not doesn't really matter.
If yours is -- then that's all you need to know.
Whether it's caused by the drinking or he's just a jerk doesn't matter.
You don't have to put up with it.
If yours is -- then that's all you need to know.
Whether it's caused by the drinking or he's just a jerk doesn't matter.
You don't have to put up with it.
box of chocolates
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Thanks. I felt so sad after another night of it. When he is sober he's so not like that but I'm sure even with recovery and staying sober he will need counseling. I have thought of leaving for my own sanity and happiness ....and I know at some point that time will happen maybe sooner than I want to accept but the pain of it all is too much and if its not a healthy relationship where I feel happy then what can I do but to leave. What makes matters worse are his mother has even blamed me for his drinking and from me "pushing" too hard for him to recover.
my family understands the 3 C's and are supportive so that's good and when he is sober he understands that its not my fault and has asked me to leave because he is sick and doesn't want me to hurt but its his family when his drinking spikes that upsets me...when he's intoxicated and acting up they make it about me more than him and that just makes my depression in that moment worse between him drunk and his family its them against me. I know I should realize how I am Co dependant and how I enable but I feel as though no matter how hard I've tried to gain his families support that his actions and drinking don't reflect on me and that they need to not enable by lashing at me and stand with me to get him help. It fails.....yes they want him to quit drinking but I think its sort of a denial not that he has a problem but for the things he does and says while drinking and that my presence in his life is the reason for it.
Venting now I've just dealt with so much because of it and am leaving for a week for him to take the necessary steps to seek recovery....this time its the last. Atleast for my part in it
I appreciate the replies I was in tears when I posted not just for his words but for his mothers.
I do plan on alanon maybe even some separate therapy...I have a severe anxiety disorder I use to be on medication but asked to get off years ago I didn't think I needed it. Wrong and now with this its just made it worse.
my family understands the 3 C's and are supportive so that's good and when he is sober he understands that its not my fault and has asked me to leave because he is sick and doesn't want me to hurt but its his family when his drinking spikes that upsets me...when he's intoxicated and acting up they make it about me more than him and that just makes my depression in that moment worse between him drunk and his family its them against me. I know I should realize how I am Co dependant and how I enable but I feel as though no matter how hard I've tried to gain his families support that his actions and drinking don't reflect on me and that they need to not enable by lashing at me and stand with me to get him help. It fails.....yes they want him to quit drinking but I think its sort of a denial not that he has a problem but for the things he does and says while drinking and that my presence in his life is the reason for it.
Venting now I've just dealt with so much because of it and am leaving for a week for him to take the necessary steps to seek recovery....this time its the last. Atleast for my part in it
I appreciate the replies I was in tears when I posted not just for his words but for his mothers.
I do plan on alanon maybe even some separate therapy...I have a severe anxiety disorder I use to be on medication but asked to get off years ago I didn't think I needed it. Wrong and now with this its just made it worse.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by thislonelygirl
I do plan on alanon maybe even some separate therapy...I have a severe anxiety disorder I use to be on medication but asked to get off years ago I didn't think I needed it. Wrong and now with this its just made it worse.
box of chocolates
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Yes I do know what you mean. I think I really do need to see someone have thought about it for awhile and that having anxiety has led me to be more Co dependant than I think having medication would. Makes helping someone else harder too when you need help yourself. I focused so much on his recovery that's I've neglected my own and probably adds on to the stressmy problems his problems and the problems with family. I get such sever panic attacks and that feeling alone without the other worries just doesn't help any. Glad to know I'm not the only one
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