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Drowning your love

Old 10-02-2012, 05:54 AM
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Drowning your love

I would like to hear your stories about ruining a wonderful romantic relationship because of drinking. I guess I just want to relate to other's stories and not feel so alone about the terrible mistakes I've made.

Please share.
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Old 10-02-2012, 05:58 AM
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I was engaged to a beautiful girl. We met about a month after I found the rooms of NA. For the next 18 months she and I battled with my increasing relapses and cross-addictions. It all came to a head when my drinking, drug use and gambling just pushed her over the edge. I ended up in rehab and she was committed to a mental institution. And that was the end of that. The longer story is probably much more interesting but I couldn't be bothered to type it lol.
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Old 10-02-2012, 06:02 AM
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Originally Posted by Klia View Post
I would like to hear your stories about ruining a wonderful romantic relationship because of drinking. I guess I just want to relate to other's stories and not feel so alone about the terrible mistakes I've made.

Please share.
My wife and I met when we were at school age 15 and she has put up with 25 years of my drinking - on holidays, at concerts, at family events, on nights out. I embarrassed her to the extent that she no longer wanted to socialise with me and as a result I drank even more and made things worse. We got to the stage that if I suggested a night out she would be ill with worry about my probable behaviour and often backed out leaving me to go to parties or social events alone whilst she sat at home worrying about me.

I wore her out and I am responsible for needless stress and heartache I caused her. We are only now starting to rebuild our relationship and I am full of regret for wasted years and romantic opportunities missed.

I love her dearly and am now trying to be the romantic and loving guy I was when we met 25 years ago. I am scared to open up about my feelings but keep trying.
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Old 10-02-2012, 06:03 AM
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Malide the name of a plant or a rock or a wine... I screwed up so much but I have my life. I have my regrets but I have my life. I miss my wife so much but I have my life, Sobber again today.
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Old 10-02-2012, 07:03 AM
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I was in the position where I had to choose betwen two men. I was in a relationship with one, but my ex wanted me to come back and get married and have kids.

At the time my partner was going through some really bad upheaval and his son was moving abroad with his ex partner.
He thought his world had ended.

I could not leave him. I was not 100% sure I wanted to leave or stay. My ex was offering me everything I had ever wanted from him. I had loved him so much. He had never really had time of day for me in the early days, but I put that down to us being very young.

He came back when I was in my thirties. The time my drinking really took off.
I couldn't cope with all the pleading and begging and tears from him for us to get back together combined with the thoughts from my current partner that his son was being taken. He needed me too.

I drank it away.
I avoided conversations with the ex I should have had.
I avoided conversations with my partner I should have had.
I acted like a coward. A complete coward.
I could not be honest with either or myself.
It was easier to drown in a vat of vodka. Stick my head in a bottle of wine.

I hurt him. I moved away without telling my ex. Refused to answer his calls. His mother told a mutual friend I broke his heart.
In truth he broke my heart years earlier.

Revenge came around though for me. I was truly punished for being a coward.

It turned out my partner had his 'prodigal' son and wanted no more children.

I always wanted children.

If he had been honest with me, I would have left him. I did not love him enough to make the choice not to have children and stay with him.

He is heavily in debt. He has taken thousands of pounds of my money and has no way of paying it back.
He cannnot support me and my daughter. I have to put her in nursery full time and pay for it so that i can wotk full time to pay my half of the mortgage and bills.

He had an affair when I was 8 months pregnant and left me to live with another woman when my daughter was 3 months old. He came back when she about 7 months old.
My babies first christmas, he told me he 'loved me but was not in love with me'.
I spend my first mothers day alone.
All the milestones were celebrated on my own.

I live an hours drive form my parents, my daughters grandparents as he wanted to move nearer to work.

In 2011 he spent zero days of his annual leave with me.
I am lonely. My daughter is the best thing that ever happened to me. But I crave a loving relationship.
I want someone to cuddle me, spoil me, take care of me.
It also makes me sad that I will never have another child. My daughter will be an only child.

But I cannot have two children and work full time and get by with no help.

It makes me sad that my only pregnancy was frought with worries about work (company was in a real bad place and jobs were at risk), where he was and what he was doing and my ill health.

It turned out my placenta stopped working when after 20 weeks. I should have had blood transfusions but my ill health was never picked up by my midwife and I bled every single day. I was so anaemic that I could not climb stairs. I wrked to 2 weeks before the birth, he was never kind enough or concerned to say 'enough - our baby is more important than your work and the relentless pressure you are under'.

My daughter was born weighing four pounds. She was full term. She never received the nourishment she needed and was skin and bones.

Some days when I was on my own, and he lived with his new 'lady' I thought I was going to die of tiredness. She would only breastfeed, refused a bottle point blank and sometimes fed every half an hour in the night.

I cannot 'pop' round to my mums with my daughter. My mum and dad are the best grandparents bar none and he was going to deny them the chance to be grandparents.

The last time his mother visited was christmas. She is not trusted by her son and daughter to look after the grandchildren (her 2 sons and my daughter) as they seem to lack those skills and a dangerous situation occured when an arm was broken of one of the boys and they negelected to take him to hospital. We had to take him when the pain became unbearble.

We have not heard from them since July.

My ex?
He is married with a daughter who he adores and desperately wanted.
He supports his family.
His parents are awesome!

I cannot help but think that I am being punished for being a drunken coward with the dogs life that I lead now.
I still dream about him.
Sometimes in my dreams he talks to me and says he loves me.
Other times he (like this morning) he won't talk to me, walks straight past.
It's over eight years since this happened and it still hurts so, so much.

The hurst from the realisation that your partner did not want a child with you is indescribable.
The hurt that he never wanted to marry you is staggering.
The lies about money and debt make me worry constantly about my future and my daughters, especially as I save very litle as I am crippled by mortgage and nursery payments.

Yes I am crying now. Yes I hope in tonights dream he speaks to me. Yes I have been truly punished I think.

I wish you the best
xxxx
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Old 10-02-2012, 07:35 AM
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One morning I stood at an altar, with a beautiful young woman at my side. A delicate flower who I believed had been brought into my life for me to nurture and tend to. I took a vow to cherish and honor her.

Years later I was handed some papers at a courthouse. My flower is gone - my greatess sadness and deepest regret.
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Old 10-02-2012, 08:02 AM
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I lived through the process of my father ruining his relationship with my mother and ultimately messing up her life. He eventually became a recovering alocoholic but the damage was done. A few years ago in his latest stages of cancer he told me that he was sorry about how he and alcohol had affected my mom. He admitted that she started out as a happy, joyful, fun, good person. At the end she was sad and defeated. To my surprise, my dad also admitted doing this same thing to another partner after he and my mom had divorced. I never knew about that relationship.

What seems like a lifetime later, I began to see my drinking affect my relationship with my lovely wife. We love each other dearly but alcohol was seeping its way into my life and our relationship. I started to sense it but she confirmed it by confronting me on a couple of occassions making it clear that this was not ok. I am grateful that she did that although it was and is up to me to fix it. I took steps and will continue to take steps to deal with my issues. Things are good again between me and her and I get to continue enjoying this God-given relationship. I am grateful.

The "cycle" can be broken. I do not have to repeat my fathers behavior. I will not.

You certainly are not alone in your mistakes. Nor do you have to be alone in your recovery and future successes! There is time and hope for healing.
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Old 10-02-2012, 01:20 PM
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I don't want to go into details but me and my drinking messed up not one but two relationships that were meant to be lifelong.

It was painful - devastatingly painful - and I beat myself up over those mistakes for years...it didn't stop me drinking tho I'm sorry to say....not for another decade.

There is a happy ending tho - I got sober, I stayed that way and I met my current partner

Sober, I'm a far better man and partner than I ever was before.

There is always a second (or even third) chance Klia

D
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Old 10-02-2012, 02:04 PM
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I was always the faithful gf that usually got messed over by the person I was dating. Then I'd take them back and let them do it over again...sometimes a 3rd time. Always swore that I'd never do that to anyone because I knew how devistating it felt, how much it hurt and how long it took to recover from that. That was my entire life of relationships until 3 years ago.

I started dating someone who is a very loving and awesome partner. He is a faithful partner - something that's hard to come by these days. We lived 75 miles apart so we saw each other usually twice a week & this went on for a year and a half. I had cut off a lot of people in my life by this point that were not good for me so when I wasn't with him, I was left with idle hands at home or with the few friends that partied and drank all the time. They say idle hands are the devil's playground or something like that. I got bored...bored with the same situation over and over every week and started my crazy going out and drinking on a nightly basis to kill time.

I think the drinking got between him and I, but the time is fuzzy in my memory. It could have been me just ignorning him because of our 75 mile distance between us and in my mind I convinced myself that we would be nothing more than what we already were. I was getting attention from local guys I knew, and the few friends I was hanging around were not faithful to their bfs.

Under the influence, I decided it would be a good idea to do what I wouldn't wish upon anyone else and mess around with someone else. My drunk mind told me I wouldn't get caught and no one would know and then I could go back to my life with the bf. My drunk mind was wrong. I was caught and I lost an important person in my life because of becoming the type of person I NEVER wanted to be.

While still in an intoxicated state for 3 weeks following, as much as I wanted to blame him for what I did, I knew deep down I couldn't. I knew that the person I was turning into was not the person I was supposed to be. On New Years Eve that year I decided that the drinking had to stop and I bravely contacted him to have a sober, rational conversation. I quit drinking on 1/1/11 and lucky to have a loving compassionate person by my side now after what happened. Yes, I lucked out with him forgiving me, but trying to get sober and prove to someone that they can trust you all at one time was really hard.

I don't normally regret doing things in my life. I don't even regret all the drinking I did because I learned from it. This is the one thing I regret doing. I was drinking heavily when it happened and I can never take it back. I can't ever say I'm not one of "those girls" anymore.

Then again, had I not done that, I may still be in the drunken predicament I was in 2 years ago. So we learn from everything and make changes as we move forward.
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Old 10-02-2012, 02:05 PM
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Also, I suggest reading "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp if you haven't already.
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Old 10-02-2012, 02:29 PM
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I honestly believe that many of my relationships ended because of drugs and alcohol. Either my use, their use or both. It was little things that added up to so much. Tempers that flared too quickly, money that was spent unwisely, unkind words that were said in a drunken confession.
I dated someone a couple of years ago that was really big into booze and prescription drugs. What killed the relationship for me was A. at his place one night with my two dogs, he cooked a nice dinner, gave the pups bones, we watched movies and he then passed out from drinking and drugging. I was irritated so I left (no, I wasn't drunk), two dogs in tow. The next day, he didn't even remember that we'd been there. and then B. he was so wasted one night that, with my little dog in his lap he jumped out of his chair, causing the dog to go flying to the floor. NOPE. Really great, wonderful man. But... not going to risk that. I couldn't leave him alone wih my pooches.

I've ruined my relationships since college by being a very difficult person to love because of booze. Moody, argumentative, angry, selfish... It's never enough for me. Even if I've ended the relationship, I've been left wondering why they didn't. Sure there must be other issues there but, alcohol brings out the edge. And when you're drunk 25% of the time (age 25) up to 75% of the time (age 30) it's not pretty.
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Old 10-02-2012, 05:24 PM
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I was engaged.. mostly happily. I went out for my 5 year class reunion.. only my 3rd or so time at a bar.. EVER. I got trashed.. drug my fiance to an after party at someones house and ended up in the bedroom with the host of the party. While we didn't do all we could have, it was still far more than should have ever happened. We split up the next day, and I gave my engagement ring back. I will never forgive myself for this. Still to this day I get very emotional about it.
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Old 10-03-2012, 05:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Misguided View Post
Also, I suggest reading "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp if you haven't already.
That's actually my favorite book
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Old 10-03-2012, 05:18 AM
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Great question.

When I met my partner he was recovered from a bad coke habit. He told me about it but I was young and falling in love. I was swept up in this person. The first 8 years were incredible. Then we moved to a rural area. Where we found our selves doing drugs and drinking a lot.

I remember sitting on the porch and saying to him that this isn't right. We are going down the wrong path. Still we marched on. After another 4 years things were really bad. But everything seemed ok still.

Then in 2006 I forced the sale of our homes and moved out. I wanted this person to hit the reset button with me. He did kinda.

Everyone thought we were crazy. No one knew just how bad the drugs got. Crack, powder. We were the two less likely to break up and a solid couple that people looked up to.

We moved to the larger near by city. We both moved into apartments on the same street. Lol but at either end.

Slowly we started doing grocery shopping together. Cooking for each other. Reminded in each other of what we had. What we lost. And ultimately what we could have again.

He was offered a job in another state. Big bucks so you cannot say not. So I decided to come with him.

We are here now. Working hard at staying sober together. When there are two in a relationship that are users there are really three. Me, him, and us.

The love I have for this person is not unconditional. Due to issues we treat it with the respect it deserves. No assumptions about anything. We both must want it and put our hearts into it.

It's working rather well. With closing in on 19 years we have learned a lot. Lived a lot. Lost a lot.and gained a lot.

When I think about what my future will include. It starts with him. And a sober us.

K
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Old 10-03-2012, 06:05 AM
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I've had quite a few of them but can't realy remember them all , I'm sure i sufferd from co-dependancy issues and certainly went out with some people who were "looking for someone to make them whole" a bit like me and alcohol !

Bestwishes, M
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