rambling, processing and healing

Old 10-01-2012, 04:21 PM
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rambling, processing and healing

Last year was pure hell dealing with my addict. Abandoned us, I was hurting, paid nothing, had another woman, visits to our son very random. I was angry and devistated. Then, he went away this summer. My dream came true. He was MIA. But, during this time I was depressed. How could he do this to his son? Well, he came back non apologetic and entitled. My son was happy to see him. The lesson I learned is that random visits are better for my son then no visits. So, I'm good.

I just didn't want to go back to the same old ******** of last year....fight, anxiety, anger, guilt, sadness...every other week. It seemed like every 2 weeks it was something. I made a vow to myself that this year will be different. That I have to let him go even further. I can't let his anger bother me. I can't let his snarky comments bother me. He made his bed. I have bent over. So, last week he cancelled last minute..."stomach flu". Has seen his child 1 time since may. I just rolled my eyes and emailed "hope you feel better and no I wil no reschedule" this week he made supervised visitation. I had work to do, and worked quietly while they played. My son was happy, I was happy. And, it was nice to get some work done. It was obvious he is still angry with me...3 snarky comments. I ignored. Why? Why can't he just leave me alone and play with our son? He did drugs. He abandoned us. He defaulted. He can't seem to consistantly see his son. He has no parently involvement with his son. He has no idea the life we lead...and this is because of his choices. So why in the hell is he so angry with me. I won't respond. I ignored. I'm not really even that upset by it. I'm just trying to understand and move on. It just seems the world revolves around this man. He is just so entitled.

I just wonder when his little house will fall. How long can he go on pretending that he is father of the year and doesn't do drugs. It has been a little over a year and still, nothing has changed. Its annoying. He is still with the same *****. Same house. Same "business". It makes me wonder how long he did coke in our relationship before it exploded on him. For my son, I wish he would hit bottom. Its like the denial and pretending just drives me crazy. How long can this really last? He has surrounded himself with people who have mon3y, so I think that slows the explosion. This is horrible to say, but I feel as though he has destroyed our family and walked away saying "I've never been happier" meanwhile, my son has a broken heart and he left us to starve. I feel like he needs to fall. Again, horrible thinking. But, I'm still angry with him. The more realization hits me the more I realize what he did to his family was horrific. And he refuses to accept responsibility or do the right thing...therefore, I can't forgive him. The anger gets less and less. But, I can't forget. He has done nothing to prove his trust. But, he is angry at me? For what? Because I told him off and he can't stand to hear it? Like I should just sit there with my legs crossed and do everything he wants with no fight. Its the insanity of addiction.

Anyways, just processing. Just rambling. I'm really in a good place. Getting better and better and smarter and smarter. I'm dealing and healing. It's just so sad it has to be this way. I have said this a million times, but I will never understand how you can do this to your family. I will never understand his anger to me. It is just baffling. I do hope he gets better, but I don't see that in his future. I see him alone or dead. Exactly like his alcholic father.
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Old 10-01-2012, 05:35 PM
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He's angry because he is entitled. The world owes him, didnt you get the memo? Seriously, you didnt do anything, the truth is he is angry at he world and angry at himself. You "won" simply because he stopped playing the game, he defeated himself. He traded in a golden life for the fools gold of a false freedom.
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Old 10-01-2012, 05:45 PM
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My ex also has a total entitlement complex. He texts me--no, my no contact isn't going well--and tells me how he loves me, misses me, he's going to fix it, he's messed up so much and he's so sorry. If I don't provide the response he's looking for, whatever that may be, he gets angry with me. And I'm not responding with b*****y comebacks or snarky remarks. I'm just kind of matter of fact. I do care about him, I do hope he gets help, I do love him, but all I've heard so far are words. DO something then we'll talk. That makes me discouraging--'See why I feel like I can't talk to you?? This is what I get! Thanks!'

I guess I'm supposed to send him a video of me doing a cheer for him or something. No way. I may still be communicating, but I'm not going to enable him, not going to be sucked in by any more empty promises, and not going to change where I stand on this as long as he is in active addiction. I'm not.

Sounds like yours is p***ed off because you're standing your ground as well. We aren't supposed to do that, you know.
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Old 10-01-2012, 05:48 PM
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...and by the way, if it wasn't for me stumbling upon SR, I just might still be living in the same house with him and driving myself more crazy. I can't possibly tell you ALL how grateful I am to have found this board and to be able to share my stories and read yours and get advice and feel normal. Coming here gives me that extra push I need everyday. Thank you so much...Really...
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Old 10-01-2012, 06:39 PM
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Originally Posted by mstrust View Post
...and by the way, if it wasn't for me stumbling upon SR, I just might still be living in the same house with him and driving myself more crazy. I can't possibly tell you ALL how grateful I am to have found this board and to be able to share my stories and read yours and get advice and feel normal. Coming here gives me that extra push I need everyday. Thank you so much...Really...
Huge DITTO! I used to think addiction happened to other couples, unsavory people, criminal elements. Not normal everyday people like us. Not to fathers with professional careers, dedicated wives and nice homes. I thought we had this whole suburban living thing down. How wrong i was. I lived in unecessary shame, thinking we were bad people, that i was morally bankrupt by association. What if the church knew, the neighbors, friends, family? Who would understand? I found through here that this happens to normal people, to middle aged people, to people with good jobs, to parents, to spouses, to mortgage holders and church goers. How differently I see people now. How much less i judge others. I found support when i stopped hiding. Also grateful for this group and people who are willing to share their personal struggles. Set backs, discoveries, lessons and triumphs.
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Old 10-01-2012, 07:32 PM
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I know that his leaving his son and you have been very painful but honestly....he gave you the best gift of all. Someday, you won't question it anymore and you will just be forever thankful to not live with all the crazy making!!
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Old 10-02-2012, 12:22 PM
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Yes, yes and yes. This site has saved me. The more you know, the more you grow!

He is angry because I am not allowing his ********. It's a double edged sword though, bc I have to deal with his anger in return. He gets me back by not paying child support, or paying it late. Not responding when I ask him about when he will pay it. Last week, I could only afford food for my son...so he is really getting me! Jerk! I think deep down inside he knows what a creep he has been, but if he admits to anything than he would have to admit he has a drug problem...something he is not ready yet to do.
So, once again he is late on child support and refuses to answer me about when and if he will pay it. He refuses to pay the 11k in credit owed per our divorce decre, but he is mad at me. Meanwhile, I have followed the divorce/parenting plan to the t.

Anyways, you are right. It's better to have him 4 hours a month and otherwise MIA, then to deal with his crazy. Because he is always stressed out and crazed. I don't need that. And watching him with my son, it seems like he is sooooo desperate to look like a "good dad", but doesn't really listen to my son. Its about him showing my son how to use a bat, rather then my son wanting or being excited about using a bat. He just doesn't listen...never did. So, I ache for a family, but am glad the immature self centered addict is out of our life. My son and I have a great little thing going. Its peaceful and loving. My son is happy and surrounded by loyal and responsible people.

Thank you for listening to my rambles!
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Old 10-02-2012, 01:38 PM
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I'm sure if we asked the children of these addict and codependent parents, they'd say that its better to have one healthy parent to live with full time than two sick parents.

Thank you for giving your son a chance to break this cycle! To show him what a normal, loving, functioning home looks like.

I think addicts act like spoiled little children when they don't get their way (mine included!). So, you're doing the right thing by dealing with him like a spoiled little child. The part that hurts and is unfair is that they're not children; they're adults and should act like it.

I'm so glad you're still posting and are able to come here to vent and process! SR is a lifesaver!
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