Finally my introduction
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Columbus, OH
Posts: 22
Finally my introduction
Hello All,
I've finally decided to formally introduce myself here on SR. I've been following the forums for a while and have posted a few times over the past couple weeks but I've never actually shared my story. As today marks 3 weeks sober, I feel it is time to tell my tale.
I'm a 34 y/o father of two beautiful daughters and husband to an amazingly loving and supportive woman. I've struggled with alcohol and drugs for over 13 years now. But my true issues started when I was much younger.
My father has been a severe alcoholic for my entire life. I have no memories of him not being drunk, stumbling, slurring his words, or urinating all over himself. My mother suffers from a personality disorder, and has had her struggles with alcohol as well (though she has been sober for 12 years following a drunken mishap that left her in the hospital with reconstructive surgery to her arm and shoulder). They divorced when I was ten and she promptly remarried an alcoholic who had an inferiority complex which he often times took out on me. I moved out when I was 16 and have supported myself ever since.
I was an over achiever in school. Graduated top of my class, went to college on a full scholarship, and graduated there as Valedictorian, all the while working a full-time job. I married my high school sweetheart while in college and began working several high stress jobs following graduation. I bought a new home, several new vehicles, and many high priced 'toys'. All of this was done to prove to myself that I was "not like my parents". Then the trouble started.
I worked so many hours that my marriage fell apart. After my divorce I married a girl that was all about having fun, which meant lots of parties, bars, and friendships with people whom I would have never before associated. I had always been so driven to succeed that I hadn't any experience of that type of lifestyle, and at first it was great. I convinced myself that I was owed this time of fun because of all of my accomplishments. I even convinced myself that alcohol was fun, and not the life destroying menace I had known it as during my childhood.
Quickly I went from occasional social drinking, to weekend partying, to a nightly drunk. This lead to severe anxiety issues that I sought professional help for. The psychiatrist put me on Xanax, and that is when the true calamity began. I quickly became addicted to the pills, increased my drinking, and began throwing all of my responsibilities and reason overboard. I began using other drugs, and a short time later ended up in jail for crashing my new truck into a light pole after an alcohol, Xanax, and Ambien binge. After getting out of jail I ended up in the ICU on a ventilator after a nearly successful suicide attempt. I bounced around several mental hospitals over the couple years following, while simultaneously losing my house, my cars, my job, and my wife. I was finally diagnosed as bipolar, and then heavily medicated. Yet, I continued to drink through all of this.
I slowly began repairing my life. I contained my drinking to a "functional" level and got myself reestablished financially. I remarried and hid my mental illness and alcoholism very well for a couple years. My daughters came along during this time, and I felt I had gotten myself and my addictions under control. But as we all know, as long as alcohol is a part of your life you really have no control.
I ended up leaving my family for another woman who was an enabler. This took my wife by total surprise. She had no clue the demons that were inside of me, as I kept hidden the progression of my alcoholism and bipolar.
I spent the next couple years after destroying my family in a codependent relationship, where I gained addictions to opiates and THC, which in-turn fueled my alcoholism and mental illness. After losing my job yet again and exhausting myself trying to maintain an opiate habit, I left the relationship and relocated to be closer to my kids, who I barely saw during that time.
I sought treatment for my bipolar, maintained a very brief spell of sobriety, and reconditioned myself physically. Sadly though, I began a series of short and destructive relationships with women I had meet from an online dating site. This lead to me drinking again, and using drugs on occasion.
However, I remained functional in my life, regained financial stability once again, and began working through several self-help programs. This lead to the mother of my children and I repairing our relationship and remarrying. The relationship is far more stable then it ever had been and I began working on being the father I had always hoped to be.
Yet through all of this I remained a closet alcoholic and drug user, though to the outside world I appeared to have it all together. It has been taking a toll on my psyche and my body living this way, so at the beginning of 2012 I gave up all the substances except alcohol. But finally on September 11th of this year I decided I have had enough. I spent the summer in a near constant stupor and saw myself slipping down the slope again. So after a lot of soul searching and talking openly with my wife, I stopped. Today marks 21 days alcohol free. I'm on no other drugs, except for a lithium orotate supplement to keep my bipolar under control which is working really well. 21 days of total sobriety....the first 21 days in over 13 years I can say that. I was so afraid of quitting, with coping without something to alter my mind. But I've done it now for 3 weeks and feel better than I can ever remember. Of course the first few days were a nightmare, but once the withdrawals eased up and the racing thoughts quietened down I have felt fantastic. A weight has been lifted and I realize I no longer have to carry a monkey on my back. I've learned that I can live without an addiction. I can walk on my own two feet, coping without a crutch to hobble me along.
I want to thank everyone on this site for their posts. The strength and motivation that I have gained from reading everyone's stories have been the catalyst to my sobriety. I'm amazed by how many people's stories I can relate to. Knowing I am not alone in this fight has been the single greatest encouragement I've had during this entire process. Without it I am positive that I would still be feeding the monkey that has had a strangle hold on me for so long.
As I continue on this journey I am sure there will be times of struggle, but I am confident that as long as I have the support of my family and those here on these forums then I will make it through. Namaste.
I've finally decided to formally introduce myself here on SR. I've been following the forums for a while and have posted a few times over the past couple weeks but I've never actually shared my story. As today marks 3 weeks sober, I feel it is time to tell my tale.
I'm a 34 y/o father of two beautiful daughters and husband to an amazingly loving and supportive woman. I've struggled with alcohol and drugs for over 13 years now. But my true issues started when I was much younger.
My father has been a severe alcoholic for my entire life. I have no memories of him not being drunk, stumbling, slurring his words, or urinating all over himself. My mother suffers from a personality disorder, and has had her struggles with alcohol as well (though she has been sober for 12 years following a drunken mishap that left her in the hospital with reconstructive surgery to her arm and shoulder). They divorced when I was ten and she promptly remarried an alcoholic who had an inferiority complex which he often times took out on me. I moved out when I was 16 and have supported myself ever since.
I was an over achiever in school. Graduated top of my class, went to college on a full scholarship, and graduated there as Valedictorian, all the while working a full-time job. I married my high school sweetheart while in college and began working several high stress jobs following graduation. I bought a new home, several new vehicles, and many high priced 'toys'. All of this was done to prove to myself that I was "not like my parents". Then the trouble started.
I worked so many hours that my marriage fell apart. After my divorce I married a girl that was all about having fun, which meant lots of parties, bars, and friendships with people whom I would have never before associated. I had always been so driven to succeed that I hadn't any experience of that type of lifestyle, and at first it was great. I convinced myself that I was owed this time of fun because of all of my accomplishments. I even convinced myself that alcohol was fun, and not the life destroying menace I had known it as during my childhood.
Quickly I went from occasional social drinking, to weekend partying, to a nightly drunk. This lead to severe anxiety issues that I sought professional help for. The psychiatrist put me on Xanax, and that is when the true calamity began. I quickly became addicted to the pills, increased my drinking, and began throwing all of my responsibilities and reason overboard. I began using other drugs, and a short time later ended up in jail for crashing my new truck into a light pole after an alcohol, Xanax, and Ambien binge. After getting out of jail I ended up in the ICU on a ventilator after a nearly successful suicide attempt. I bounced around several mental hospitals over the couple years following, while simultaneously losing my house, my cars, my job, and my wife. I was finally diagnosed as bipolar, and then heavily medicated. Yet, I continued to drink through all of this.
I slowly began repairing my life. I contained my drinking to a "functional" level and got myself reestablished financially. I remarried and hid my mental illness and alcoholism very well for a couple years. My daughters came along during this time, and I felt I had gotten myself and my addictions under control. But as we all know, as long as alcohol is a part of your life you really have no control.
I ended up leaving my family for another woman who was an enabler. This took my wife by total surprise. She had no clue the demons that were inside of me, as I kept hidden the progression of my alcoholism and bipolar.
I spent the next couple years after destroying my family in a codependent relationship, where I gained addictions to opiates and THC, which in-turn fueled my alcoholism and mental illness. After losing my job yet again and exhausting myself trying to maintain an opiate habit, I left the relationship and relocated to be closer to my kids, who I barely saw during that time.
I sought treatment for my bipolar, maintained a very brief spell of sobriety, and reconditioned myself physically. Sadly though, I began a series of short and destructive relationships with women I had meet from an online dating site. This lead to me drinking again, and using drugs on occasion.
However, I remained functional in my life, regained financial stability once again, and began working through several self-help programs. This lead to the mother of my children and I repairing our relationship and remarrying. The relationship is far more stable then it ever had been and I began working on being the father I had always hoped to be.
Yet through all of this I remained a closet alcoholic and drug user, though to the outside world I appeared to have it all together. It has been taking a toll on my psyche and my body living this way, so at the beginning of 2012 I gave up all the substances except alcohol. But finally on September 11th of this year I decided I have had enough. I spent the summer in a near constant stupor and saw myself slipping down the slope again. So after a lot of soul searching and talking openly with my wife, I stopped. Today marks 21 days alcohol free. I'm on no other drugs, except for a lithium orotate supplement to keep my bipolar under control which is working really well. 21 days of total sobriety....the first 21 days in over 13 years I can say that. I was so afraid of quitting, with coping without something to alter my mind. But I've done it now for 3 weeks and feel better than I can ever remember. Of course the first few days were a nightmare, but once the withdrawals eased up and the racing thoughts quietened down I have felt fantastic. A weight has been lifted and I realize I no longer have to carry a monkey on my back. I've learned that I can live without an addiction. I can walk on my own two feet, coping without a crutch to hobble me along.
I want to thank everyone on this site for their posts. The strength and motivation that I have gained from reading everyone's stories have been the catalyst to my sobriety. I'm amazed by how many people's stories I can relate to. Knowing I am not alone in this fight has been the single greatest encouragement I've had during this entire process. Without it I am positive that I would still be feeding the monkey that has had a strangle hold on me for so long.
As I continue on this journey I am sure there will be times of struggle, but I am confident that as long as I have the support of my family and those here on these forums then I will make it through. Namaste.
A simple guy making his way
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
Turt.... Very honest post. I can appreciate what it takes to see one self in the light needed to get help and stop drinking. It's taken me a while to see myself that way but glad I have before I killed myself.
I am happy you have found some peace with your current wife. Family support can be vital to the process.
Glad you are here. All my best to you.
I am happy you have found some peace with your current wife. Family support can be vital to the process.
Glad you are here. All my best to you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,386
Thanks for sharing your story Turt...this is great:
That's what it's all about,IMO 
glad to have you here, Turt!
D
A weight has been lifted and I realize I no longer have to carry a monkey on my back. I've learned that I can live without an addiction. I can walk on my own two feet, coping without a crutch to hobble me along.
glad to have you here, Turt!
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Notheast US
Posts: 524
Welcome, Turt, and congratulations on your sobriety.
Being bipolar is challenging enough, but then throwing substance abuse on top of it....that's tough.
I hope that you have a good plan in place for continued sobriety, including working with professionals, and taking your meds without fail.
Again, welcome.
Being bipolar is challenging enough, but then throwing substance abuse on top of it....that's tough.
I hope that you have a good plan in place for continued sobriety, including working with professionals, and taking your meds without fail.
Again, welcome.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 143
You have just inspired me turt
I am a closet alcoholic..it has gotten really really bad...I now drink spirits straight and I need to stop. I look awful and feel awful. My boyfriend doesn't know and I am scared. Today is day 1 and I want to tell him but I am so ashamed. I ask myself how will I live without alcohol. I feel like ok I can probably stop drinking but not when I go out and I know I have to because I have such an addiction. I have been a drinker for many years but now I have hit bottom. I need advice please..so bad. My parents would be shocked and they will wonder if I go to their house and dont have wine with dinner. I also wonder if I can ever have fun going out without alcohol. My boyfriend could care less about alcohol and is always the dd. He would never drink again if it helped me I know that. Sitting here crying because I feel so lost. (my kids know I drink but know they have no idea how bad it is...or maybe they do)
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
Thanks for the introduction, Turt!
I'm really glad you have your bipolar under control with the medication. It's wonderful that it's working for you. I know you will find support here for your alcoholism.
I'm really glad you have your bipolar under control with the medication. It's wonderful that it's working for you. I know you will find support here for your alcoholism.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Columbus, OH
Posts: 22
Missingtheoldme,
Yes you can do this. You may have been a closet alcoholic but you don't have to be closet sober. Let others close to you know that you are wanting to quit. I'd advise seeing a doctor too. I didn't because I was ashamed and I realize now I had put myself in danger. Alcohol withdrawals are serious business.
Your loved ones will want what's best for you even if they can't relate, so you shouldn't look at your commitment to sobriety as shameful. It is the best thing you could possibly do at this point for yourself and your family.
And you can absolutely have fun without alcohol, but that will come with time as you become rooted in your sobriety. You will get used to living in every situation sober just as you've learned to live them drunk....the only difference is now you'll remember them! So good luck with your sobriety and remember you are not alone. There is a whole community here to help you on your way.
Yes you can do this. You may have been a closet alcoholic but you don't have to be closet sober. Let others close to you know that you are wanting to quit. I'd advise seeing a doctor too. I didn't because I was ashamed and I realize now I had put myself in danger. Alcohol withdrawals are serious business.
Your loved ones will want what's best for you even if they can't relate, so you shouldn't look at your commitment to sobriety as shameful. It is the best thing you could possibly do at this point for yourself and your family.
And you can absolutely have fun without alcohol, but that will come with time as you become rooted in your sobriety. You will get used to living in every situation sober just as you've learned to live them drunk....the only difference is now you'll remember them! So good luck with your sobriety and remember you are not alone. There is a whole community here to help you on your way.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 540
Missing, glad you found sr. As for what to tell others, I have just been saying, "I'm on a diet.". But mostly I've just been avoiding those situations for now. You could just tell your agents that you don't feel like drinking any more and lately it's been making you sick, which would be the truth. Good luck and congrats on deciding to seek sobriety!
Thank you for sharing your story, Turt.
Thank you for sharing your story, Turt.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
Well done, turt. I'm sure your words will help and inspire many newcomers and everyone else, too. I agree with you about not feeling alone after coming here. I began to heal after I realized there were many just like me - people who would understand with compassion, and not judge.
You have really been through it for a young man of 34 - be proud of yourself for not settling for a life of addiction and misery. You've pulled yourself up out of hell, and you will have a wonderful new life.
You have really been through it for a young man of 34 - be proud of yourself for not settling for a life of addiction and misery. You've pulled yourself up out of hell, and you will have a wonderful new life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,145
But as we all know, as long as alcohol is a part of your life you really have no control.
Welcome to SR turt, I'm so glad you're here.
Thank you for sharing your story and congratulations on making this decision and for your sober 21 days. I'm so pleased for you.
Keep going... it really does just continue to get better and better
All the best to you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 143
Originally Posted by turt 
Missingtheoldme,
Yes you can do this. You may have been a closet alcoholic but you don't have to be closet sober. Let others close to you know that you are wanting to quit. I'd advise seeing a doctor too. I didn't because I was ashamed and I realize now I had put myself in danger. Alcohol withdrawals are serious business.
Your loved ones will want what's best for you even if they can't relate, so you shouldn't look at your commitment to sobriety as shameful. It is the best thing you could possibly do at this point for yourself and your family.
And you can absolutely have fun without alcohol, but that will come with time as you become rooted in your sobriety. You will get used to living in every situation sober just as you've learned to live them drunk....the only difference is now you'll remember them! So good luck with your sobriety and remember you are not alone. There is a whole community here to help you on your way.
Yes you can do this. You may have been a closet alcoholic but you don't have to be closet sober. Let others close to you know that you are wanting to quit. I'd advise seeing a doctor too. I didn't because I was ashamed and I realize now I had put myself in danger. Alcohol withdrawals are serious business.
Your loved ones will want what's best for you even if they can't relate, so you shouldn't look at your commitment to sobriety as shameful. It is the best thing you could possibly do at this point for yourself and your family.
And you can absolutely have fun without alcohol, but that will come with time as you become rooted in your sobriety. You will get used to living in every situation sober just as you've learned to live them drunk....the only difference is now you'll remember them! So good luck with your sobriety and remember you are not alone. There is a whole community here to help you on your way.
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