How can I encourage my RAH?
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 127
How can I encourage my RAH?
My husband just celebrated 1 year clean from a 15 year addiction to drugs (pills).
He goes to NA meetings once a week, has a sponsor and is on step 3.
He said he is discouraged that after one year he isn't further along like everyone told him. He thought he would have an "ah ha moment" where everything clicked and he found a new way of life. He said he just feels as though he's just not doing drugs.
I asked him about his step work and he said he doesn't really see the benefit of doing the steps. He said he spoke to his sponsor about it and the sponsor told him to keep doing the steps and then everything will come together for him. He told me he needed a break from "working" on everything.
He seems to be in a slump and getting depressed about everything and it makes me worry about a relapse.
Is this common at the 1 yr mark? What can I say when he says he doesn't think the steps are a benefit? What can I say to encourage him when he says he hasn't had an "ah ha moment in recovery"?
I feel that he is not doing the "work" therefore he isn't getting the benefits. Kinda "white knuckling it" if you will. I don't want to get too involved in his recovery because it is HIS but I feel I could use some pointers for when he says this stuff during our conversations.
He goes to NA meetings once a week, has a sponsor and is on step 3.
He said he is discouraged that after one year he isn't further along like everyone told him. He thought he would have an "ah ha moment" where everything clicked and he found a new way of life. He said he just feels as though he's just not doing drugs.
I asked him about his step work and he said he doesn't really see the benefit of doing the steps. He said he spoke to his sponsor about it and the sponsor told him to keep doing the steps and then everything will come together for him. He told me he needed a break from "working" on everything.
He seems to be in a slump and getting depressed about everything and it makes me worry about a relapse.
Is this common at the 1 yr mark? What can I say when he says he doesn't think the steps are a benefit? What can I say to encourage him when he says he hasn't had an "ah ha moment in recovery"?
I feel that he is not doing the "work" therefore he isn't getting the benefits. Kinda "white knuckling it" if you will. I don't want to get too involved in his recovery because it is HIS but I feel I could use some pointers for when he says this stuff during our conversations.
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Originally Posted by learningtofly 
I asked him about his step work and he said he doesn't really see the benefit of doing the steps. He said he spoke to his sponsor about it and the sponsor told him to keep doing the steps and then everything will come together for him. He told me he needed a break from "working" on everything.
The way I look at it....He is at a place where he has to make a decision...Am I going to work the suggested program of recovery....Or not.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
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Ditto Saplings comments.
My experience is never the experience of another. I can share with him if he chose to come here but your question might be answered better in the friends and families section. Might I suggest that you see about alanon meetings in your area. I am the recovered alcoholic so can't say for the spouse of one of us. You may find that you gain a lot of insight just dealing with your issues and fears about him. The program also has steps for you.
My experience is never the experience of another. I can share with him if he chose to come here but your question might be answered better in the friends and families section. Might I suggest that you see about alanon meetings in your area. I am the recovered alcoholic so can't say for the spouse of one of us. You may find that you gain a lot of insight just dealing with your issues and fears about him. The program also has steps for you.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 127
Thanks for your responses. Sapling yes thanks for bringing that to my attention that step 4 is where the hard work begins in a way maybe he is on the fence still a bit. I can see how the one year mark could set you up with expectations also.
I do attend naranon and post on the friends and family boards often, however I was looking for some ideas from people who have been on the other side of the fence. When he says he doesn't see the benefits of the 12 steps or he says he is discouraged with his recovery I don't know what to really say. So I was just looking for some helpful pointers.
I do attend naranon and post on the friends and family boards often, however I was looking for some ideas from people who have been on the other side of the fence. When he says he doesn't see the benefits of the 12 steps or he says he is discouraged with his recovery I don't know what to really say. So I was just looking for some helpful pointers.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
Just tell him you are sorry he feels discouraged. Empathy not sympathy goes a long way with alcoholics. Well there ya go, I did not even know they had a separate one for Drugs than alcohol for families and friends. I have flipped to the other side with an AW after two years of sobriety. When I went to Alanon they seemed to think that I was the embodiment of their family with issues. Maybe some of them did have family that relapsed hard after years, but I wasn't there for my addiction, or to rep the addicted to alcohol.
I hesitated to answer more earlier because it is dangerously close to codie behaviors to try to do for them what they would be better doing for themselves. Thus empathy not sympathy. Since you are already taking care of you, I can say that support is a lean not a carry.
Hope that helps.
I hesitated to answer more earlier because it is dangerously close to codie behaviors to try to do for them what they would be better doing for themselves. Thus empathy not sympathy. Since you are already taking care of you, I can say that support is a lean not a carry.
Hope that helps.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
I don't know.......Our literature even tells us about step 3...
Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.
bb pg 64
And I still see more people in AA that stop on step 3 than continue on. It baffles me.....And sometimes makes me sad.
Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.
bb pg 64
And I still see more people in AA that stop on step 3 than continue on. It baffles me.....And sometimes makes me sad.
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