Synfull Vyxun

Lately I have felt like giving up on everything, everything I do, say, think is wrong, although this is how I have been brought up, caring and conscientious. But now it is all falling apart. I feel like curling up into a little ball in the corner and trying to disappear.

I know that my life could be worse, and that I do take things for granted often, but at the minute I feel just truly awful. Think I need to gain some perspective and go to a 3rd world country, and help those that really need it, not being stuck here helping parents who chose not to help themselves.

Titanic

This is part and parcel of having grown up in a home with alcoholism or addiction.

Have you looked at Welcome to Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc. and also the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum here on SR?

Derbygirl

I feel the same way lately. I wish I was in a position to help life you up but if there's anything I CAN do is to say, "I understand". We can manage this and get past it. I know we can. It will take time and effort but it will be worth it in the end.

Hugs

LifeRecovery

I consider myself very kind and caring.

I have come to realize that in many instances this is a blessing. However, because I I don't have the self-integrity to be coming from a place of abundance (glass is full), I am often giving from a place of self-sacrifice.

In other words I am giving because I think I have to, and not because I want to.

In the long run this has left me feeling depleted, down and not doing good self-care (it has only recently occurred to me that just like it takes time to take care of others, it takes time to take care of me). I always end up sacrificing myself "for" others.

So I don't think the behaviors are necessarily wrong, but I do think my motivation behind them is. I am not picking and choosing what I decide to do and don't....I just do it because I view someone else as "needing" it.

I am working on this big time in therapy right now. I will let you know what I come up with.

I will say I have learned this. Self Care does not equal Selfish.

Titanic

Wonderful post LifeRecovery!

EnglishGarden

renagayd,

I felt the same way during a certain passage of my life. Exactly the same. It was enough to send me for a prescription for an anti-depressant. The unending stress in my life had knocked my brain chemistry out of balance, and I just couldn't heal myself. The medicine set the chemistry right again, and within a few weeks, I started feeling like I could think clearly again, I had some energy again, I was not isolating at home anymore, I was not crying over small meaningless things not just the major things, and I stopped persecuting myself in my mind for all my mistakes as I lay awake at four in the morning. I started to get eight hours of sleep again instead of four. I started eating again. The hard block of concrete in my chest dissolved. And I no longer felt all over like a piece of jagged glass. I know the difference, for me, between what I went through at that time and what ordinary deep sadness is. The feeling at that time was oncoming illness and I knew it.

This was, for me, only moderate depression and I caught it early before it could become major depression (which others in my family of origin have experienced).

For you, your feelings could be medical depression. Or they could be buried grief just now trying to make its way to the surface to be held and listened to. Or it could be deep grief which has stayed repressed long enough to become medical depression.

So you might consider seeing a general family doctor about your state of mind and any physical effects of your state of mind (problems sleeping, appetite changes). When I had my episode (which lasted about four months before I sought treatment) one of the unusual symptoms I had was a feeling of ice water in my veins, especially in the middle of the night. But without a doubt, the major mental symptoms are unrelenting feelings of hopelessness, grief beyond explanation, and a feeling that one is unworthy.

My episode, by the way, was triggered after a traumatic break-up with an insane alcoholic who blindsided me.

I have lived enough of life to know that there is help when we decide to go seeking it. And that when we do, angels come into our lives in unexpected places and in unexpected ways.

We often recommend Al-Anon here for loved ones of alcoholics. Each group has a different feel. For someone as fragile as you, a group that is reflective and with members unafraid to be vulnerable would be a good place to sit. It is a way to step out of isolation for awhile but you don't have to say anything. You don't have to connect. Sometimes it is just good to sit in a room with people seeking a better life with a faith that God--however they define God individually--is present and available to them.

Right now there is a full moon (from yesterday) which will magnify feelings for many people. It will wane over the coming days. If you still have such a feeling of despair by this time next week, I hope you will see a doctor. And if you have medical insurance, the doctor can also refer you for some time with a counselor that insurance will likely cover.

Our psyches and our hearts are very fragile. Please know that you need not feel ashamed for the dark night of the soul you are experiencing. And please know that often it is just exactly at a time like this when a person is about to set on an entirely new path. In lore it is called the darkness before the dawn, and many people here can attest that such an outcome is very much within reach for you.

God bless you. Please take care of yourself. If you are of age you can seek this help on your own, of course. But if you are young and still dependent on your parents, then you can simply ask for a doctor consult and let that be your start to feeling better. You do not need to tell anyone your thoughts or feelings, just that you feel tired and would like to see a doctor.

Synfull Vyxun

Thank you all so much, you have made me see I really am not on my own in this. I am still trying to get my head straight enough to go and talk to someone that can help.
'Titanic' thank you, I am checking the site out now.
'Derby Girl' thanks for the hugs and kind words, much needed at the minute.
'Life Recovery' you nailed it spot on, that's exactly me as well.
'English Garden' I do often feel ashamed, as I live in a pub and everybody can see the state of my mother, it kills me inside. I do have depression as this has been going on for so long, and I am going to try Al Anon, because I do need to get it all out and talk to someone.
Thanks again to you all. I feel a little bit stronger.