I want a divorce

Old 09-30-2012, 06:11 PM
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I want a divorce

Hi everyone.

I am new here... I just needed to vent and here it is. sorry if its random... i have a lot in my head.

When I met my husband he was everything I could ever want. So kind, funny and made me feel safe and secure. We used to go to the gym together, always went out to parks, different attractions, places to eat... etc.

After about 6 months of dating we started going out together to get a few drinks at a bar or restaurant. it was not a daily thing, just on the weekends. Later on I realize that about 10 years prior he had quit drinking... wondered why he started drinking again. I cannot help to think it could have been me or something that triggered it.

Anyways the drinking got more and more... I started to drink more often too but not to the point where I was drunk or anything. it started to become a few weeknights too.

A few more months in, he was going through something (i just dont feel like mentioning that here)... and he started drinking a lot. He started smoking cigarettes too. Never did he smoke in the time I knew him up til then. I hate it... still hate it. I was in an abusive relationship and that person smoked cigs so when I smell it, it sort of puts my mind back into all of that I went through... smell really does trigger memories (for me anyways). its like he doesnt even care even though I explained why it gets to me... i start to get panic attacks and feel bad inside.

So then he started to change in his mood and just plain overall. During this rough time the drinking got WORSE then we would get into arguments with me and it would turn physical because he would sit there and call me names like an inch away from my face and provoke me so if i pushed him away he would push me down to the ground and do it some more until i just stayed still. I wont lie-- i have a temper too especially if you call me a 4 letter word that starts with a c right in my face for no reason at all. I mean... how do you ignore that when its in your face? He knows how to push my buttons.

he claims he was drunk when he kissed this other woman (before we were married)... that was the night he wrecked his car and was so drunk (went to a concert)... i ended up wondering around in a not so nice neighborhood trying to figure out how to get home which was hours away but i had no cash on me. it was a nightmare... i waited forever for him to sleep it off that night but that took until morning. I tried driving a 6 speed that night and it didnt work so I gave up... thats why I did not drive. plus i was out of state and knew nothing of the area.

Ok so after this issue he was going through, he started drinking at work and I think its why he lost his job (through tardiness). so of course one morning to work (he ran way late) because he caused an accident and ran off the road then ended up at a rest stop DRUNK and was arrested for DUI. This was the 3rd DUI. First two happened before i met him. of course he claims they happened because of major events in his life (not good things of course) and it made him become like that...

He got off easy which in a way I wish he didnt... because it seems like since he had a good lawyer he could get off with no jail time and unsupervised probation. I dont know how being the third time but i guess because it was so spaced apart or something... So he lost his job of 28 years the same day as the DUI because the police didnt let him call work and they arrived at our apt the same time i picked him up from jail. Work was concerned cause he didnt show up or call i guess.

Ok so our lease was up on the apt about a week after that... i convinced him to come to another state with me because we were paying rent on a house (rent to buy kind of thing) that was in the family. I wish I never did that but where else did he have to go? Live in a car? I dont know...

So its near Thanksgiving of last year... a few days before actually. We already moved most of our things in anyways before he got fired because we were doing the rent to own... but he figured he would try to transfer from work to this state- never happened obviously.

For 3 days he locked himself in the bedroom and just drank. He was talking to himself like he was nuts... for 3 days and nights straight. screaming, crying, had hate in his eyes. he had music blasting (kind of like now, reminds me of last Nov because hes doing it now pretty much)... He smoked in the house and it smelled so bad inside. I would get mad and go to my mom and dad's (they were on vacation) but he would drive over and sit in the driveway or just ring the doorbell over and over or call the phones over and over until i talked to him.

What prompted me to write this was- he us upstairs now... music blasting (subwoofer set up on his computer) and its thundering downstairs since the bedroom is right under it... i dont know what he is doing. this isnt him unless he drinks.

He also has been taking a LOT of trips to the garage lately and i was looking for a stash (never found it). he rubs his head a lot in a weird way when he drinks and he also talks like a different person. its just not him. So over the past 3 weeks have i noticed this. Sometimes he smells like whiskey but i think its cigs on his breath... i dont know though.

I know that sometimes he goes and buys me drink mixes from the liquor store. One time I saw a receipt for like... 48 bucks but i added it up in my head that 2 packs of cigs and a 6 pack wouldnt be that much so I dont know what else he bought.

I feel like I am going nuts... he blasts music or the tv (both are hooked to a speaker system in this small house) and he knows that it gets my nervousness going... i get panic attacks (like right now) and i feel like crying. I cannot get away from it. I dont work. He still does not work because of the job market... i see him everyday looking online for work. He is starting to get really depressed and not acting right because of the job situation. He has ran into our garage with his car and cracked the side of it... my dad said theres black car paint on the garage and we all know what happened- dent in car too- but he denied it everytime we said something. He also goes into the yard and revs the car's engine til it redlines. i dont want it to blow up because its more money we dont have right now to fix. My neighbors have heard it and seen it i am sure. they probably wonder why he drives and parks in front of our pond (we have a pond near the garage) with music on, like he is going to drive into it....

I dont know what to do. Its like when things go south I am the one there in direct line of fire... why is it me I wonder. My last relationship was crap. This one is really turning into crap... its like he does not care for my feelings at all.

What started today's fight was- i smelled cig smoke in the house. I said- can you not smoke in the basement because it comes right through the vents (even with windows closed he smokes on the porch and the smell comes right inside)... he turns around with- I only took one puff in here why do you always have to hound me for things... I can never do right around you... that was about 8 hrs ago and I just avoided him as best as i could tonight. hard to do in a tiny house.... but i am doing it.


So there is NEVER a time to bring it up. I mean what do i say to him anyways? I cant keep living in panic mode... i am in tears constantly by myself when i go in another room... i am so unhappy. I told my parents and my mom (for some reason) tells me to deal with it and acts like i am the one with a problem even though at a dinner once he flipped out and started cursing and calling everyone racists names saying we started it (then walked home)... it takes nothing to set him off. I cant even tell him how I feel even though at night i wait til the morning then I never say it because im afraid its going to be a physical fight again.

I dont know what to do. I just want the person that I met back... he quit drinking before for years and i feel like i am so unlucky that he has to get back into it all and SMOKING when he is with ME. my dad even told him hes great when he isnt drinking... I thought about getting earplugs or something because I want to sleep soon... i am just exhausted tonight from whats going on. it doesnt take much for me to feel drained of energy.

this is not the man i know. can someone help me because I dont know how to say it without him getting mad at me and starting a fight. Like i said... i always have it planned in my head (what i want to say) and when morning comes i dont get to it because we are doing ok.

I will go take some anxiety meds now... thats all i can do. i feel like crying some more.

thanks for listening to my rant... its easy for me to post online to strangers.
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Old 09-30-2012, 06:46 PM
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I would not try to talk to him about it.

The first and most important issue is for your safety.

Please don't antagonize someone who is drinking and prone to violence, no good will come of it.

YOu are in an abusive situation, everything else takes a back seat and can get sorted out once you are safe.

I am sure others will be around soon with more advice.

I personally suggest that right now you have a phone on you at all times, call 911 if you feel at all in danger, you may want to consider an exit plan , if there is a womens resource center nearby, call them, it's a good place to start. They may be able to help you.

Take good care, please keep posting, we care about you.

Katie
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Old 09-30-2012, 06:54 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

I am glad you found us, but sorry for the reason that brought you here. You have found a wonderful resource of support and information. You are not alone.

When I first arrived, I learned about the 3 C's of my husband's alcoholism:

I did not Cause it
I could not Control it
I would not Cure it.

It took me a while to wrap my head around that concept. I was sure that my behavior/or the kids was driving him to drink, or the stress from his job. Nope. It was not us.
I was sure that if I said or did things better, more often or more clearly ~ he would finally see the light and change. Nope. My words never changed him.
I was also hoping that he would change. I was hoping that this time it would be better ~ that he would live up to his promises to change. Nope. They were empty words that did not match his actions.

I learned that the only person I had the power to change was myself. I had to change my reactions to his actions. I needed to learn how to respond instead of react.

I learned new techniques through this website, alanon meetings and self-improvement books.

We are here to offer you help and support. Keep reaching out for help, we care.
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Old 09-30-2012, 07:05 PM
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We all pretty much learned after a hard way, by finally going to Al-Anon, that we didn't Cause the alcoholism, and that we can't Control it or Cure it.

You are in a physically and emotionally abusive and violent setting. Please give serious consideration to a battered women's shelter. Many of the hot buttons that seem to accompany domestic violence and abuse are present.

Then get to at least six Al-Anon meetings, in different groups, soon.

Take care of You. No more sitting on the sidelines, watching as it were.
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Old 09-30-2012, 07:53 PM
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Hi,
I don't have a lot to add to what everyone has said above -- I did read somewhere that when men get depressed they are more prone to drinking and aggressive behavior whereas women are more likely to cry, talk to a friend, whatever.

I did go through some very rough times with my axbf, he never hit me but became very angry a lot, called me names, a few times he would throw things around, curse, scream at me. He also drank excessively and would smoke even though he knew I hated it and he had promised to quit.

Your husband has a problem and he needs to get some help. You need to take care of yourself and I would second the thought to go to al-anon. I would consider moving out of the house if I were you.

It's true that words will not make much of a difference, I tried that too. Begging, crying, getting mad, blaming. Sometimes he would quit for a bit but then just go back to his old habits. It's maddening but you can't make him do anything. Sometimes I wonder if they do it all out of spite.
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Old 09-30-2012, 09:38 PM
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They do it IN alcoholism, not out of spite (per se).
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Old 09-30-2012, 09:42 PM
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Originally Posted by thesoberhalf View Post
What prompted me to write this was- he us upstairs now... music blasting (subwoofer set up on his computer) and its thundering downstairs since the bedroom is right under it... i dont know what he is doing. this isnt him unless he drinks.
I'm sorry you are in this situation and glad you found SR.

I know how it feels when they are drunk and blasting music. I used to beg my XAH to stop the music (at 1, 2 and 3 am) it only made him play it longer and louder. The day I knew I had to get him out was when I went to check the kids before I went to bed - he was blasting music - and they were all asleep with their hands over their ears.

He is abusing you. This is unacceptable.
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Old 10-01-2012, 04:16 AM
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I strongly suggest you start getting out of that house on a daily basis. The first place I would go is the first Al-Anon meeting I could find. Second, I'd get a job, any job, even if it's volunteer, to get myself on a predictable routine and away from the insanity you call your husband.

What you describe is a man on a downward spiral, WAY out of control. Wanting him to return to who he used to be (which we ALL have done is understandable but not realistic. Going to Al-Anon and continuing to post and read here will help you get to the place where you can see and accept him for who and what he is right now. The person he is, is NOT the person you remember and love. The person he is, is that person AND the person you are living with right now. They are one and the same.

Focusing on the "good" one is going to get you hurt. You're already a nervous wreck, living in fear, taking pills to help yourself cope with this. This is not good. Think of it this way: This man is out in the middle of the ocean, thrashing about, drowning, and you are out there with him thinking you can help or save him. YOU CAN'T and he is going to drown you. Everytime he starts to sink, he grabs your leg and pulls you under with him. This is a fight and the sooner you realize this, the better. A fight for your life. Who are you going to save? Him? Or you?
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Old 10-01-2012, 05:53 AM
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Put your oxygen mask on first, as we say in Al-Anon. Only then can you have any chance of helping by example or useful means. Please get to some Al-Anon meetings as soon as you can. That's where you'll find your oxygen mask (besides here).

Peace.
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Old 10-01-2012, 06:44 AM
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I don't have much to add to the thoughtful comments already posted. But I remember what resonated with me when I first became part of SR.
It will get worse. You may look for a sign that is hopeful and think things are going better. But he is on a downward spiral and will take you with him. Don't go. No matter what you do to try and fix him, it won't work. Take care of you. Take care of you. Take care of YOU!

I'm sorry that this is what you are dealing with. I'm glad you've come here because we get it. We care about you. Keep posting and be safe.
Hugs,
MamaKit
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Old 10-01-2012, 07:05 AM
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Thank you so much... everyone. This morning he is back to himself. I woke in a panic as usual. don't think I have had a normal pulse over the last 24hrs. I need to get out of the situation... You're right. It's hard right now my back is hurting so bad I doubt I can even drive to get away. Parents are overseas for 5 months.... Like I said its close and he would check there for me anyways like he did last year when it was the worst. I mentioned my back because I hurt it bending down and its been 3 days and i can't walk sit or stand comfortably. The house is a mess he never helped clean or do dishes so I do a few at a time theni lay down. forget about laundry I cannot bend.

I can get my old job back... They are still good friends to me. that is my next step but they are not in today where I could go visit. It's across from my parents house... small business. He would know I'm there too.

I need the anxiety to stop.. Its killing me. The racing heart.... I have social anxiety... I'm a mess. It's kind of from the last relationship which still haunts me. Can't wait to see a therapist but no job now... Not much in savings.... Sorry hard to type on cell. Try from pc later... But when he hears me type he always asks who I'm writing...
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Old 10-01-2012, 07:10 AM
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Just get to that therapist. Do one thing, like that, which is an important one. Take it one step, One Day at a Time.

I feel your pain. Keep coming back here and going to Al-Anon.
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