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regrets and anger

Old 09-30-2012, 02:59 PM
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regrets and anger

So i had a wonderful day at Six Flags yesterday with my husband. We really had a blast. I felt so free, so full of life, so joyful. During the long waits for the rollercoasters, we talked about so many topics and, as always, among those tpoics was sobriety. Nothing heavy bit i enjoy bouncing new insights i have off him and he's happy to hear my progress and offer his views. The only time i really even thought of alcohol was when we passed some people sitting, drinking beer and i noticed the sharp smell of alcohol but it didn't trigger me in the slightest.

The problem came when we left the park and stopped for dinner. When the adrenaline started to wear off. For some reason, i started reflecting on all the time i've lost to drinking. I could have been doing this for years. This and so much more. So much joy that i won't have. So many years gone. Because i didn't listen to the people who told me i had a problem. I turned away help and wise council. In my disease and selfishness, i squandered years of joy for years of self pity and loathing. I know i was sick. I know it was, is, a disease of my mine. Not just my alcoholism but my untreated bipolar disorder at the time. But i regret. So much. I regret that loss of time so very, very much. I al mearning to accept that i will never get it back. I can accept it but i don't have to like it. That's life and that's what i am willing to live with.

So i've been looking at this and been looking for the good. I mean, how can there be any good from all this regret, anger at myself and sorrow? All i've really found are these. In my anger, i get to practice forgiveness. If i can learn to forgive myself, it will give me someone to practice on so i can get better at forgiving other people. For the regret and sorrow i can only use them as a lesson and motivation. I've lost too much time. I can't afford a relapse. In the balance sheet of my life, i'm in the red. What i'm doing now is filling my life with experiences to enjoy and savor. One day, by maintaining my sobriety and living my life to the fullest, i will have experiences my life so that in the balance book, i'll be back in the black.

And all i wanted to do was go to Six Flags, have fun at Fright Night and ride the rollercoasters!
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Old 09-30-2012, 03:06 PM
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I used to look at what I do now and think how much more could I have done with my life had I stopped a year earlier, 2 years, 5 years, 10?

The fact is, I had a journey to make to get where I am today.

Every experience, good and bad has shaped me into who I am this 1st day of October 2012...and that's no bad thing

The past is done - I've taken the good I can from it, and I hope I can use it today

be gentle on yourself DG

D
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Old 09-30-2012, 03:19 PM
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Regret Is Weakness Leaving the Brain

Thanks for your post. I too am struggling with regret. The regret of hurting wonderful people during my binges. They thought I was making promises, they did not know it was my liquid courage talking and that there was nothing but manipulation behind my "acting". I have made my apologies but many were NOT accepted. For the past few years the reality of life has revealed how truly complex and difficult the mess I have made is and that I did so many things that I cannot erase. At times it makes everything more difficult and it creates the desire to flee into the false solitude that alcohol once provided. I reached out and got help from professionals to deal with the anger and regret and it made a MASSIVE difference. You are not alone and in time I have been able to start moving beyond regret and anger and I know you will too. I relate so strongly to your post and in the darkest hours when I was a newbie at sobriety I was convinced life might just be too painful. I was wrong ... the regret and anger were symptoms of a brain being re-wired (PAWS). Seek help and it wil make a big difference but start be recognizing that this pain is actually healing. Thanks again for letting me know I am not alone.
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Old 09-30-2012, 03:30 PM
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Welcome to SR Tesla

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Old 09-30-2012, 03:31 PM
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Grits,
I am with Dee but I would take it even a bit further. I am glad for my bad experiences with alcohol and my perspective now. My drinking was like getting a vaccine. You know you get a bit of live or dead bad stuff and your body can recognize it when it sees it again and fight it? I got exposed to a little bit of death, enough to know I don't want any part of it earlier than necessary. Now I don't have to repeat it over and over again anymore like a scene from the movie Groundhog Day!

I gave myself the perfect present. I can't change the past, and regrets are like negative rehearsals.

Fear of the future works the same way in my head. I can only rehearse fear or rehearse good, or not worry about it because I took care of the present. Give yourself the prefect present too. A ticket, permission from yourself if you will, to live in the perfect present, not in regrets of the past, or fears of the future.

I think you have it right because we can't love, or forgive another, until we love and forgive ourselves.


Welcome Tesla! I love the creeks and mountains there, and the little towns and places that are just so refreshing like the drive into Cripple Creek or the glacier lake, Jefferson Lake just Northwest of Jefferson.
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Old 09-30-2012, 03:54 PM
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My life is not on a ballance sheet i threw it away when i realized it was just a resentment list. Why me or why not me is not a useful question.

Life is a glorious experience happening right now, not tommorow or yesterday.

Letting go of the past is a healthy thing to do, i do this by looking for something to be thankful for in it or just letting it go being thankfull it's in the past .

The future ? well i know what the final destination is .. death, understanding and accepting it makes today even more special and glorious, all the more reason to live without making myself or others suffer over a past thats gone or a future that might never happen .

Bestwishes, M
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Old 09-30-2012, 05:08 PM
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Letting go of the self loathing and anger has been the hardest part of recovery, past the the first few months. It really can ruin an otherwise perfect day. I've made amends to people I remember doing wrong, but the resentment at myself creeps up on me and hits like hell. I do believe in a higher power enough to hand the anger over to, along with forgiving myself. Some may see it as a placebo or symbolic, but it helped originally with my intense cravings for the drink and it helps now when I get stuck in the cycle of hate.

(Welcome Tesla)
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Old 09-30-2012, 05:31 PM
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DG, I had a lot of regret and a lot of anger when I stopped drinking. I was very angry with myself for becoming an alcoholic. How could I have let that happen? And, why didn't I make better choices in my life? And, it's very hard to forgive yourself. I'm much better at forgiving others, rather than myself. I also think it's important to know that forgiving yourself might not happen all at once. For me, it came in bursts, over time and it was a process.

Regret is something I've been able to let go of. I had depression and anxiety all my life and I made some choices I regretted because of that. Eventually I began to drink and of course things became worse. Finally, I got the depression treated sucessfully and stopped drinking. I am SO, SO grateful to wake up to a peaceful life now, and regret is not with me. Have you ever done a Gratitude Journal? It's a great way to help shift your mind to a place of peace.
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Old 09-30-2012, 05:40 PM
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DG - sounds like you had an amazing time at the park and good conversation with your husband which is resulting in you reconnecting, establishing a dialog and rebuilding trust. How lucky are you to have this person in your life. I am also lucky and although I have many regrets, flashbacks to bad behavior and embarrassing situations of my own creating, I've decided not to punish myself. What possible good could that bring to you or your recovery?

Embrace the joy, the new found appreciation for life, love, laughter and move forward with the commitment never to return to the life that you have regrets.

tomorrow is day 49 for me, I wouldn't trade that for anything and no regret is going to make me feel bad about how great it is that I'm here.
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Old 09-30-2012, 07:24 PM
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I agree with Dee...I am really starting to see that I have been led right to this point so that I can become the person I was really meant to be. You sound like a wonderful person grits and you have been very helpful to me on here and I am sure to others as well. Don't look back, enjoy the present
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Old 09-30-2012, 07:30 PM
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We don't regret the past. We don't shut the door on it. We use our experience to benefit others. My shameful, awful past has brought me great joy in the present because I have BTDT and I can now help another suffering person. Show them that they are not alone. And from that I get the gift of sobriety. Happy, joyous, and free...
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Old 09-30-2012, 07:54 PM
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thanks everyone. y'all are really helping me see this from a different perspective. one that makes a lot more sense for my recovery. one where i'm not letting myself be held hostage by my past. it's hard, forgiving all that and it's not something i can do in one fell swoop but it's something i know i can do with a little time and tenderness. anna, i haven't done a Gratitude Journal but i think that's something that would do me a lot of good, especially when i get a little lost in my past. i know i hold grudges against myself often. perhaps it would be a good thing for me to start acknowledging when i do that instead of just writing it off and letting them simmer. and instead of holding those grudges, acknowledging what i'm grateful for in my life, things i've brought about and things that have happened to me so i don't get such a lopsided view of my life. all this has given me a lot to think about. mostly, it's reminding me that i've gotta learn to treat myself as a friend, not the enemy. that's what got me in trouble in the first place.
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Old 09-30-2012, 09:35 PM
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I found that the best way to live is to be in the Present.

My past is what it is. My experiences may be able to help another suffering alcoholic be able to relate to me so I can then share with him or her the solutions that I have found in AA.

It wasn't until I had worked the steps - especially after a thorough 4th Step and then the extensive 5th Step with my Sponsor - was when I realized that the heavy shame that I had been carrying for so long because of my past - and trying to self-medicate away - wasn't meant to define me. Because of AA, I've learned to own myself. I made a commitment to own my sobriety. And do anything I can to remain teachable.

I don't forget my past because I need to remember where I don't want to be. Just one sip could lead me back to that dark place. Not an option for me. Ever.

Every time I step out of my comfort zone to do the next right thing, it is always an opportunity for personal and spiritual growth.
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Old 10-01-2012, 01:04 AM
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Grits, I totally feel you. Today has been hard for me to study still feeling regret (and a lot of pain in various body parts) from my last alcoholic episode. I have plenty of regrets at a young age, and hope alcohol wont have anything to do with getting new regrets from now on. I have a big problem getting over things and getting over the past, which leads to regrets. Your post makes me hope I can learn to be like you. One thing I am going to do in order to help me with that is set up an appointment with the school psychologist, and talk things out, I hear its good for you. I need to work on my anger issues... the same night I hurt myself being a dumb drunk, I got into a scuffle with a soccer ref; partly drunk/partly anger issues. I just got a lot of issues I need to deal with sober. Thanks for the post
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Old 10-01-2012, 03:45 AM
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What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Life is one big adventure and we're all on different paths. Now that you've experienced how bad things can be with alcohol dominating your existence, you can truly appreciate life without it. This contrast in lifestyle is our new margin of happiness; something that not many will ever understand. God bless DG!
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