Derbygirl

Hi everybody!

I'm brand new here as of today. No, actually, I've been lurking for about a month and finally signed up today. Anyway, I am simply miserable and feel like I'm backed against a wall. My husband of a year and a half is what I consider to be an alcoholic. If he had it his way, he would drink vodka everyday and chase it with beer every evening. I have guilted him because of the stupid things he's done (dui, tried to smother me, and quite the array of verbal fights) and finances to only drink on the weekend and no hard liquor. If he drinks hard alcohol, he gets drunk and stupid. Our finances are so bad that our grocery budget is $130 a month for us and my 4 kids. He has a budget (that he never sticks to) of $200 a month for gas, cigarettes, and whatever else he needs. He buys beer with his extra money of course. Does anyone know how hard it is to feed 6 people on $130 a month?! I'm starving! I don't work because I can't find a job that would even cover half of what childcare would cost. I have tried working from home (childcare, house cleaning etc.) but the wages for those jobs are so low because we live in an area with a LOT of illegals who are willing to do work for next to nothing. I'd be making $2 an hour! Before the Army moved us to Fort Bliss, I had a decent paying job, my own house, friends and family near and now I have NOTHING. He makes all the money so I feel so unentitled to complain because at least we have a decent place to live, healthcare and a car to drive.

Anyway, he has gone from a nightly drunk, to only drinking a six pack on week nights and getting loaded on the weekend and now to only drinking beer (three or four 32oz beers) on the weekend. He is highly functional in that he is doing very well at work, is wonderful with the kids and most of the time me. He helps around the house when needed and cooks a few nights a week (he loves to BBQ). What bothers me is that he has told me outright that if I wanted him to stop drinking altogether (and I do) that we're through. I want him to quit drinking because I know that once our financial problems begin to resolve themselves and we have money for alcohol, he'll go back to drinking more. He has cut back a few times before but it always creeps back in. Naturally he denies this, denies he has a problem and says that he will never give up that part of his "manhood".

I just started therapy this last week and after I had gotten home, the minute I walked into the door, he said he needed to talk to me upstairs. We went into our room and he said that he was done with "us" and he had a bag packed and would go stay at a buddies' house. This was all because he got onto my facebook page and read my messages. I had forgotten to erase (he gets into my fb all the time, and my phone) a message to a friend whom I have been talking to about my situation. I told her about how recently him and I has made some amends after I threatened to leave and how just in case, I am working on a backup plan to move back home if I need. I had told her about a few of the things he had done in the past. This mad him more angry than I've ever seen him. Usually I just sit there and cry and let him push me further into guilt but this time I told him that I NEED to talk to somebody because what he's doing to me is killing me. I told him that I would be stupid not to have a contingency plan for my 4 kids and I at this point in our relationship. Then I asked him, "what did I tell her that wasn't true?" He had nothing to say. He went out to smoke for much longer than usual and came back in with an apology that included everything but "sorry".

Since then he has been SO nice to me, and promised to stick to his budget and to only drink on weekends (still three or four 32oz beers on friday, saturday and sunday). I am still so angry because his beer "budget" combined with his cigarette budget is as much as our grocery budget. I'm not joking when I say I'm starving. Granted, it won't hurt me none to lose some weight, but going hungry so that I can feed my kids is depressing.

I have talked to his VERY Mormon, very anti-alcohol brother and parents about what's going on and his parents look the other way. His brother tells me that I knew he was a drinker when I married him and that I need to accept him for who he is. I have friends who tell me that since he has made progress and never gets stumblingly drunk, that I should give him credit. However, my family (my mother a recovering alcoholic herself) wants me to leave him and come home. Several of my closest friends do too.

Here's why I stay (I'm not saying it's right but here it is): 1. Our family didn't abandon my mom when she was at her sickest and now we have a strong family. 2. It's true, I knew what I was getting myself into and fell like I should deal with it. 3. He truly loves me with all his heart and I can't bear to see him hurt. 4. Aside from his alcohol problem, he's a wonderful husband. 5. My kids absolutely adore him and my youngest knows him as "daddy" (even though he is not his biological father.

But here's the thing I worry about if I stay: 1. His disease will progress and I and my kids will be further affected. 2. He loves beer more than he loves me 3. The things he has done in the past make it impossible to trust him, and 4. I hate sex with him and any intimacy. I am not entirely sure why this is but once when he was drunk he tried to smother me during sex and it scared me bad. Sorry, TMI.

And another kicker, he deploys in 2 and-a-half months to Afghanistan. I am petrified of being here in the middle of nowhere with no support for 9 months just to have him come home worse (PTSD is an issue, I believe). How will it be staying here alone, homesick as hell, knowing that our problems could only get worse when he gets home? I refuse to leave while he is deployed. That's just cold and I do respect him as a soldier. He deserves better.

I guess my question to everyone who had the patience to read this whole thing is "what do I do?" Do I point out that despite his improvements, I can't live with this uncertainty? Do I stay and hope it gets better? He is such a sweet talker and I do feel he is sincere.

BTW, I have been to AA meetings and they seem to be no help. The one I went to most recently only left me more confused as to how to handle my situation which is why I have "graduated" to a psychiatrist.

Please give me any advice you have, good or bad, hard to hear or not.

Thank you!

Tuffgirl

Welcome to SR, derbygirl.

Advice - well - the first thing that comes to mind is support through the Army? I know its a huge issue for military folks, especially those coming and going to the Middle East.

Second - there's Al-Anon. AA is for the alcoholics, and I do recommend attending open meetings for information, but Al-Anon is our support group. Try a handful of meetings, see if it helps to simply be in a room with other friends & family of alcoholics and addicts. Sometimes, just sharing the common experience is comforting.

The grocery issue - good heavens I spend $130 a week for 3 people. Three girls, to boot! Granted, where I live, food prices are much higher than your region, but still...I understand how you feel starving to feed your kids. How about local churches and food pantries for a while? Just to supplement your own pantry in the interim? It'll be an immediate band-aid on a gunshot wound, but at least you'd have some more staples in the house without having to starve.

I would set everything else on the back burner for now. Is he or isn't he an alcoholic? Should you stay or should you go? What to do, what to do??? This kind of thinking and what we call here "future tripping" creates a lot of unnecessary anxiety. Try to take things one at a time, in order of priority. Let the rest go for now. You don't need to make any major decisions today, do you?

And lastly, keep reading and keep coming back. And know the snooping and threatened behavior that you are talking to others about this is normal for the alcoholic. Secrets keep us sick, so good for you for reaching out as you have. Keep doing that!

Take good care,
~T

WishingWell

I couldn't get one word beyond > tried to smother me

That was the end of reading for me. I rarely say this - but if you're honest that he basically tried to kill you - you need to get immediate help to leave.

I'm so sorry, but that is no going forward with that. Please, get yourself help, carefully. There are domestic violence hot lines and safe houses . . .

Sending you my concern!

chicory

I am sorry, but soldier or not, you deserve better. no one should have to go hungry so their spouse can drink.

you cant make him stop.
and I agree with wishingwell, that he is dangerous to you. your children deserve security, and you don't have that with him. and I agree with you, that it will probably get worse again. that sounds like a horrible way to live. if he truly loves you, he will want you safe.
This is not their biological father, and maybe if you haven't been with him for very long, the children won't suffer as much as you think. he is going to be deployed anyway. why not take a break, go home, and get your head together with some support.

for every family that stays together through alcoholism and gets stronger, I would bet at least 50 dont. if not more.

be safe.

Toss

After rereading the thread, I 100% agree with your comment. If this was the actual father, there would be many factors to consider. Being that is not the case, and you cannot feed your children, I would leave.

As a man, if I do not put myself above my family, then I am not a man. He does not consider you a spouse or the children as his.

As the product of a father who left me at 12 (my brother was 15), without financial support, my mother survived, and did a great job. You will be respected more for removing them from this situation than exposing them to a selfish alcoholic.

Just my opinion,

Toss

Derbygirl

I have been to Al anon, I meant that, not AA. The problem I have at this moment is that there is literally nowhere to go. I have noon ry, no friends and no family for 1500 miles! I am trying right now to keep the peace and keep pressuring him to limit his drinking. For now he's being good so I guess I'm just biting time until I decide what to do. He has (as of about an hour ago) agreed to got to marriage Counseling. I know that's not gonna fix things but maybe if something the counselor says will make him realize he is being an jerk. Who knows, he might have told me that he'd go to counseling so he gets some tonight. Unfortunately, my "wifely duties" are what keep the peace around here.

DesertEyes

Hello Derbygirl, and welcome to SoberRecovery

Tuffgirl gave you some suggestion that are exactly right. You can get a lot of support thru the Chaplain's office at whichever base your husband is stationed at. They have a lot of experience with this sort of thing and take it very seriously. They will be particularly interested in the financial hardship you are experiencing as a result of his drinking, they have a number of programs you might qualify for. They can also help you find a job on base.

When your husband deploys you do not have to stay near the base. Since you had a good job prior to moving you can move back to where you came from and the military will be _very_ understanding about that. They are very much in favor of helping the spouses and families and completely understand what financial hardships are like.

Oh, and as far as him being a soldier, the military considers you to be a soldier too. The work you do as a spouse on home soil is just as vital for the safety of our country as the work he does overseas.

Al-anon meetings are highly recommended. You can find them in your phone book, or here

How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico

Another resource is the women's shelters in your area. Not for you to go live there, but because they know _all_ the programs that can help you with groceries, getting a job, working on your contingency plan, etc. I am not familiar with your part of the country so I can only suggest you call the Salvation Army and Catholic Charities as a start.

You have a lot more options available than what you mentioned in your post, and there are a _lot_ of resources available to you. All you have to do is make a few phone calls.

Welcome again. I'm sorry that you are in such a situation, I can't even imagine how stressed you must feel. I'm glad you found us, there are a lot of kind, wise people here who will come by and post over the next few days. Most people here have gone thru much the same hardship you are dealing with today. They made it through, and have a much better life today. You will get through this, just like everybody else on this forum has. Don't give up, keep coming back. We will be here to cheer you on.

Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery

Derbygirl

Here's the thing about help for him through the military, HE WON'T DO IT! If he refuses to do it on his own, then what good will it do? If I go to the chaplain or his commander and he is forced into treatment, what good would that do? He would just keep drinking because it's his "right" and hold resentment towards me for having made him look foolish, just like when I talked to me friend about the problem. Getting him into treatment against his will is NOT a good idea.

I am seeking help for groceries and am having no luck. The one church that does have a "pantry" one weekend a month doesn't have much to go around. Last week they were able to give me four cans of vegetables, a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter. I'm grateful but it's not going to help much. I will keep trying.

As far as al anon, the meetings are very confusing to me honestly. The talk about how to live with the problems, not solutions. That is why I don't leave, because I feel like since he's been a drinker since we met, I should live with it and stop complaining.

I just feel so stuck and confused. How did my life get so bad? Before I gave up everything that meant anything to me and moved here, I was as happy as I had ever been. I so badly want that back.

Derbygirl

Also, I have to sneak behind his back to go to al anon meetings! He thinks al anon is a bunch of weirdos and family members of "real" alcoholics.

Tuffgirl

No, not help from the Army for him; help for you. Help with the situation you are in, help with financial matters, etc. Get creative...can you find a PT job just on the weekends? $50 extra a week would help with grocery needs. Can you child care share with other families?

In Al-Anon there are no solutions. I remember being turned off by that at first. The point is to change ourselves and our lives regardless of what the alcoholic is doing, so we can continue living meaningful lives. It's what you will primarily find on this forum, as well.

None of us can offer you a solution because we don't know your life. We can only offer you experience, strength, and hope from having lived ours. One thing I can assure you is that you are not stuck. How you go about making the changes you need is up to you.

Fandy

If you and your kids are having trouble getting regular meals and he is spending MORE on cigarettes and booze while you go hungry and so do the kids, I would think that is your first responsibility. I'm sorry you feel trapped and I hope you can find a way to get real help and get out of this abusive situation. to be denying your body nourishment is going to give YOU health problems too, not to mention the horrible stress that is draining you.

it's terrible that he puts his cigarettes and booze over the welfare and food for his family. IDK HOW you could feed them on $130. a month? do the kids get free meals at school?

please reconsider going to the chaplin, even in confidence.

dollydo

Do you get any child support for your 4 children?

Derbygirl

I do get some child support but pays $400 more in child support every month. I have gotten AER loans from the army but we have three off them we're paying on and really shouldn't take out another one. I can't really get a job because when he deploys, I will be the only one to take care of the kids. I have tried to get to know people through the FRG and roller derby (my only hobby but which I can't afford anymore) but none are people I would either trust with my kids or would be willing to watch all four of them for a price I can afford. Also, nobody is willing to watch them at night when most p/t jobs are available. I know I sound like I'm coming up with every excuse in the book but I really am trying. My one saving grace is that I am attending college online and will have some money from student loans. He has no idea how much I'll get so I'm going to stash that money for times like this. I feel bad lying to him or keeping anything from him but I have to do what's necessary. I am having a garage sale next weekend too to hopefully bring in some cash.

I will get this solved and soon. I am determined to have a better life and give my kids what they need. I just wish that my husband would consider how damaging his habits are to us and him. I know that's not gonna happen until something detrimental happens (like me leaving him) but I can't help but hope.

Thank you SO much for everyone's input and kindness. It really does feel good to get this all out and to hear that I'm not crazy!

dollydo

Yes, I would stash money, your first priorty to is feed and house your children. That is why I was asking about the child support as that money should be used for your children, not for his "Hobby".

Keep posting, it will help. I am glad that you are determined to make a better life for your children.

Titanic

You are an inspiration, doing so much for you and your family with so little.

I don't know what to make of the smothering bit. I know some have expressed serious concerns. Was it just a sex thing, a one-time experiment of sorts, and did he back off, or was it more than that or pure violence?

Derbygirl

Thanks Titanic. I don't know. It seemed at the time that he was angry with me but the next day he didn't remember doing it. He actually had a hard time believing me. It was so against his nature. Nothing violent like that has happened in almost a year.

I'm so glad I signed up here now. I don't know what took me so long!

Titanic

Well, blackouting is usually a sign of advanced alcoholism. A red flag along with the anger/violence component. What might he do in the next one. Wanna be there to find out? Or just be safe, and set up a boundary like "I do not date or do active alcoholics/addicts" that he must scale in good health?

On the other hand, if it wasn't a memory lapse, then he's just lying to you, smoothing it over, and to himself - a typical response of a wife beater. Someone who does that, and doesn't even offer to get anger management counseling and addiction treatment, is quite a huge danger.

NWGRITS

We're Navy, so I don't know what the Army's version of Fleet & Family Support is. They will help you. You are not stuck. If nobody knows any of this is going on, then they're not going to throw pity on you if it explodes later and you never said anything. Be proactive and seek the help you need. I know F&F gives free counseling to individuals and couples, and referrals to community agencies as needed. You need to put yourself and your children first. Don't be concerned about what might happen to him at this point. You're in danger, and you need help now.

Fandy

Why dont you make an appt to talk to chaplain in confidence? The smothering incident could just be a symptom. If he doesnt truly remember, you are afraid to have sex with him, you both need some counseling before he deploys. Otherwise you'll both be agonising. Im not making excuses for his behavior, but you need some outlet to get help for your own peace of mind.

Learn2Live

What you describe sounds dangerous to me and I would go to his Commander. Doesn't matter whether or not it will MAKE him do anything. What is important is your safety and the fact that you need help. Your AH is out of control and drunk people with PTSD and guns is a really bad idea to be around or to hide from others. This thing is WAY bigger than you or us, DerbyGirl, and we all need help dealing with this. But your first responsibility is is to YOURSELF.