silly

Hello, all. I'm having a bit of a melt-down today, again about my partner and our relationship.
I realized (or just admitted to myself) during a therapy session yesterday that my partner tells every person she hangs out with that I'm an alcoholic. No reason, just in course of conversation. She thinks it's ok because she doesn't give "details". Are details that I went to rehab? Are details that I once went to the ER? I don't know... It doesn't really matter.

I feel betrayed. I'm angry. I was beside myself back when I admitted to her that I was an alcoholic and she immediately called my sister, my two best friends, her two best friends, her sister, her mom (who told an aunt, a cousin, etc)... I thought we had an understanding later down the road about how much that hurt.

Then I admit to myself that she's still telling people.
I guess it bothers me so much because we moved here to be near her family and high school friends and I don't know anybody. I travel so much for work that I have little time to branch out. So when we go out I'm surrounded, apparently, by an entire group of people who know my story. and not one person knows it from me.

She sees nothing wrong with telling her "close" old high school friends and her family. I think it's bullsh*t. There's absolutely no reason. None. Except to maybe get attention?

Am I being completely crazy? I often have no idea if my perceptions match reality or not.

quitforme79

Hey silly,
Sorry to hear this is happening to you. I would also be very upset if someone did that to me. I believe that it is our choice (the person in recovery) to share our story and tell who we want and to not tell who we don't want. What does your therapist say about this? I am sure he/she had some helpful insight?

Sel

Silly- i too would be mad if I had a partner who thinks it is okay to reveal something like that to everybody around you.

If she had cancer or HIV god forbid, would she like it if you told everybody about it?

Vall

This is a tough one silly. Have you ever expressed to her that you would like your personal details to remain private? If you have and she has dismissed your wishes then although we can't control what other people say, it would feel disloyal.

Saying that, most of the time we don't know what our loved ones are saying about us when we are not there - usually it is said with love...

silly

I have expressed my wishes, yes.

I know you're right, we don't know what people are saying when we aren't around. Maybe I'm naive to expect things to stay between us? And maybe the news is shared with others "with love" like you said. I just can't picture the circumstances, you know?

Vall

I really do know what you mean silly and no you are not being naive. But have confidence in yourself. I learnt long ago not to worry about what others thought about us - as I said we can't control it.

We are all labelled in some way by others, and that's ok, as long as you know who you are and I think you do. Stand proud. You are doing a great thing by overcoming your addiction.

DisplacedGRITS

I think your trust in her has been violated. I would be hurt if my husband, Mom, Dad or sister did the same to me without permission. I am open about my alcoholism and recovery but it is me that tells people. When other people tell my business, it's gossip which is what she's doing. I think you may be right. It may be attention seeking behavior which is a character default that she needs to realize is harming y'all's relationship. Another chat with the therapist may help. I personally would bring a third party into the discussion lest she think you are just lashing out at her only because you're embarassed. You're hurt too and have lost trust in her and that's way worse for the relationship than embarassment. Good luck and i hope she is able to see her error and fix it.

NoFireWater

Silly, I'd feel the exact same way that you do. I'd be hurt, angry, and feel tempted to start sharing her private information lol I think you have to be really clear about your expectations from here on in. It's too late to take it all back, but at least she can stop it from happening in the future. I would imagine anyone she's told is on your side thankfully.

silly

Milwaukee, WI and you're using "y'all"! I'm from Madison originally and haven't gotten used to that word in Texas yet.

We're having a very tough time. Since moving to be near her family she's been less and less willing to support me. They all drink whenever together for any reason at all and she wants to join in. I've become a burden. and since I don't know people outside them it's become more important to me to have her support. So many things have happened... too many to mention. It's hard and painful. I'm an unhappy person right now in the place I'm at and that we're at. It's hard to admit. But I WILL change that because I must. This isn't the life I want.

We're seriously talking about splitting after our huge fight last night and she hasn't been home since 7 last night. We recently decided through text that I'd move into the upstairs bedroom for now.

Hollyanne

I would be gone. Just my opinion.

silly

It is and it isn't that easy. I've gotten a lot of positive from her, too. She's stuck with me through things I probably wouldn't have. But that doesn't give a license to do and say what she pleases.

Sapling

I have a question for you silly....Is she affecting whether you stay sober or not?

silly

I always struggle to "blame" my sobriety struggles on others. Nobody's behavior can make me drink or not drink. I'll just say that lately I've been more stressed than usual and have more cravings than usual. So I can say that our relationship is affecting the strength of my sobriety. Our fight last night and this thing about telling friends/family without permission came from that fight. But the fight began because I started discussing the changes I needed to make and that we needed to make. I explained the life I view we have vs. the life I want. I basically said that if she's not on board then we have a problem.
So that's where we're at. Because, yes, my sobriety isn't going to last like this. And my overall well-being isn't going to last either.

Anna

Silly, that's completely unacceptable.

You expressed that you didn't want things discussed and she went ahead and told just about everyone she knows, by the sound of it. How disrespectful! I'm sorry you have to go through that, but honestly, I think it's time to look at the relationship. If there is no trust and respect, what is left?

Fandy

Was she such an awful Gossip before all this?
What she is doing is not supportive to you, its childish and plain hurtful.
Why doesnt SHE move out?

Sapling

I can tell you for myself if I put anybody or anything ahead of my sobriety I wouldn't have it. Maybe you should take a break and make your recovery the most important thing in your life right now...What is your recovery?

copperfield

sorry silly - I'd definitely be upset too!

silly

I'm working with a therapist and a psychiatrist. I also use RR and AVRT. My online resources are SR and I have MORE from Hazelden (since I did OP rehab there) if I want it. I used AA for about a year but didn't find "it".

Sapling

You stayed sober in AA for a year?....And when you say you didn't find it....You mean you didn't work the steps?...That is the program. How long are you sober right now?

silly

Yes, I suppose I can say she was a gossip before. I guess I just thought that wouldn't extend to me.

Nobody is moving out just yet but, if someone does, it will be her. The house is mine even though we moved here for her. I'm only "moving" upstairs because she gets up early and it disturbs my sleep. Plus, since I travel so often, my stuff is a little more mobile.