Codependent vs Enabling
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Codependent vs Enabling
I've spent a lot of time over the last few days trying to really understand the difference. I know there is a lot of cross over between the two but from what I'm getting in a very short version is the codependent person is gaining something and feels the need to help based on the feelings they get from doing it. For example they get some sort of self validation for the behaviors. For a person who enables the primary reason is because they are protecting the addict. There is no self satisfaction in helping they are mostly helping out of fear.
I could be way off but this is the short version of what I have been able to conclude. Anyone have care to share their opinions of one vs the other?
I could be way off but this is the short version of what I have been able to conclude. Anyone have care to share their opinions of one vs the other?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
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I like the explanation one of our SR moderators gave for his own codependant actions:
DesertEyes wrote:
"In my life, co-dependency is an action I have done when my fears were greater than my knowledge"
DesertEyes wrote:
"In my life, co-dependency is an action I have done when my fears were greater than my knowledge"
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
We enable because we are co-dependent. Often times we do it because it takes the focus off us. We don,t have to look at ourselves. The best thing we can do for others IS put the focus on us and work on ourselves.
Hope this helps.
Ngaire
Hope this helps.
Ngaire
Originally Posted by BlueSkiesAgain 
I've spent a lot of time over the last few days trying to really understand the difference. I know there is a lot of cross over between the two but from what I'm getting in a very short version is the codependent person is gaining something and feels the need to help based on the feelings they get from doing it. For example they get some sort of self validation for the behaviors. For a person who enables the primary reason is because they are protecting the addict. There is no self satisfaction in helping they are mostly helping out of fear.
I could be way off but this is the short version of what I have been able to conclude. Anyone have care to share their opinions of one vs the other?
I could be way off but this is the short version of what I have been able to conclude. Anyone have care to share their opinions of one vs the other?
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: northeast
Posts: 468
Originally Posted by BlueSkiesAgain
I've spent a lot of time over the last few days trying to really understand the difference. I know there is a lot of cross over between the two but from what I'm getting in a very short version is the codependent person is gaining something and feels the need to help based on the feelings they get from doing it. For example they get some sort of self validation for the behaviors. For a person who enables the primary reason is because they are protecting the addict. There is no self satisfaction in helping they are mostly helping out of fear.
I could be way off but this is the short version of what I have been able to conclude. Anyone have care to share their opinions of one vs the other?
I could be way off but this is the short version of what I have been able to conclude. Anyone have care to share their opinions of one vs the other?
I think of my enabling actions as more of a result of my fear. (death, homeless, etc.)
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Enabling is something I do in order to make somebody else's life easier. Something that they could perfectly do for themselves, but I choose to do it for them. The reasons for my "enabling" choice don't matter. Enabling is a type of behavior that may be caused by simple ignorance.
Co-dependency is when the reasons for my behavior are based on _my_ shortcomings, fears, needs, emotional addiction, etc. Sometimes my co-dependent behavior is enabling of others addictions, sometimes it is just selfish, sometimes it is plain dumb. Co-dependency is a character defect, it is "empathy" taken to the wrong extreme and used for a selfish purpose.
If I see a drunk on the street and hand him a can of beer I am enabling. The drunk and his beer have no effect on my life.
If I see my wife stumbling around looking for her pills and I hand them too her I am co-dependent. I am making _my_ life easier by avoiding the consequences of her not finding her pills. Eventually, I got myself to al-anon, figured out my own fears and realized I would do both of us a lot more good if I quit being co-dependent and maintained my boundaries.
Mike
Co-dependency is when the reasons for my behavior are based on _my_ shortcomings, fears, needs, emotional addiction, etc. Sometimes my co-dependent behavior is enabling of others addictions, sometimes it is just selfish, sometimes it is plain dumb. Co-dependency is a character defect, it is "empathy" taken to the wrong extreme and used for a selfish purpose.
If I see a drunk on the street and hand him a can of beer I am enabling. The drunk and his beer have no effect on my life.
If I see my wife stumbling around looking for her pills and I hand them too her I am co-dependent. I am making _my_ life easier by avoiding the consequences of her not finding her pills. Eventually, I got myself to al-anon, figured out my own fears and realized I would do both of us a lot more good if I quit being co-dependent and maintained my boundaries.
Mike
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Dear Blueskies, These concepts are difficult to wrap your head around---especially at first. 
At least, for me! I think there is a lot of overlap---and I think the particular situation can make a difference, also. I believe that "healthy", balanced relationships have an element of interdependency as a matter of course. For example, with my sweet husband (passed/not alcoholic)----- I relied on him to do all the car stuff, which I could have done. On the other hand---he relied on me to pick out all gifts for him---for his mother , siblings, etc.---and I was o.k. with this. NO Problema.
There are a multitude of definitions around. It might help to stick with whatever makes it most "clear" to you. One underlying principle which helped me the most was this: Co-dependency is not as much about your relationship with another; as it is about a LACK of sufficient relationship with yourself.
Co-dependency, I believe, sets us up to be enabling. Enabling is doing something for another person that they could---and should---be doing for themselves---and ultimately is to the detriment of both parties (in the process).
Sometimes, I think it is "black and white" easy to see. Other times, it is not. But, if something like this is going on---sooner or later---down the line---someone starts to feeling like they re getting taken advantage of. That is a clue. Anyway, this is how it makes "sense" to me.
Melody Beattie's books explained it the best to me. Her books are pretty much regarded as among the best.
Does any of this help?
dandylion
P.S. With the alcoholic, I think it is anything that makes it easier (more comfortable) to maintain a relationship with alcohol.
At least, for me! I think there is a lot of overlap---and I think the particular situation can make a difference, also. I believe that "healthy", balanced relationships have an element of interdependency as a matter of course. For example, with my sweet husband (passed/not alcoholic)----- I relied on him to do all the car stuff, which I could have done. On the other hand---he relied on me to pick out all gifts for him---for his mother , siblings, etc.---and I was o.k. with this. NO Problema. There are a multitude of definitions around. It might help to stick with whatever makes it most "clear" to you. One underlying principle which helped me the most was this: Co-dependency is not as much about your relationship with another; as it is about a LACK of sufficient relationship with yourself.
Co-dependency, I believe, sets us up to be enabling. Enabling is doing something for another person that they could---and should---be doing for themselves---and ultimately is to the detriment of both parties (in the process).
Sometimes, I think it is "black and white" easy to see. Other times, it is not. But, if something like this is going on---sooner or later---down the line---someone starts to feeling like they re getting taken advantage of. That is a clue. Anyway, this is how it makes "sense" to me.
Melody Beattie's books explained it the best to me. Her books are pretty much regarded as among the best.
Does any of this help?
dandylion
P.S. With the alcoholic, I think it is anything that makes it easier (more comfortable) to maintain a relationship with alcohol.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Sometimes when I act co-dependently it's because I don't want to feel the guilt and anxiety that whatever situation I;m in is bringing up in me. I;ve discovered for my sake and those around me that it's much healthier to deal with MY GUILT and ANXIETY rather than trying to fix something or someone in an unhealthy way. My selfish motive for FIXING is so I don't feel uncomfortable,to avoid my feelings and looking at me.
Ngaire
Ngaire
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I also had the thought after my previous post that when I would create a chaotic situation when I was active, acting co-dependently to fix things was also a way of not taking responsibility for what I had created and the hurt it had caused others.
Thanx for this thread it's been alot of food for thought.
Ngaire
Thanx for this thread it's been alot of food for thought.
Ngaire
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Earthworm, can you please give us an example (if you don't mind), to illustrate your last post??
I think a concrete example make it easier to understand (esp. for the newcomer,like Blueskies).
dandylion
I think a concrete example make it easier to understand (esp. for the newcomer,like Blueskies).
dandylion
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Thanks to all of you for your comments. I'm learning a lot and I know that many of these things will be for me to understand for myself. I completely see myself as an enabler but I'm not sure that I am so much codependent but I need to study some more. Whatever I am I am working on myself to determine my boundaries and making my home a place of peace.
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I guess it/s when I hurt someone like my son or bf and rather than making a sincere amends which includes owning my part in things ,taking responsibility and working on my character defects which have contributed to the situation, I feel guilty jump in and start micromanaging their lives and in the case of my son BUY him something he wants in order to appease him and make me feel better.
Hope this makes sense.
Ngaire
Hope this makes sense.
Ngaire
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Dear Blueskies, I really admire your determination to help yourself---and your son/family.
Unless you are already aware of Melody Beatties books on co-dependence (and enabling), I highly suggest that these be among the first books to read. They provided my best grounding on the subject.
As you go along, you will gain much more clarity.
Keep the faith!
dandylion
Unless you are already aware of Melody Beatties books on co-dependence (and enabling), I highly suggest that these be among the first books to read. They provided my best grounding on the subject.
As you go along, you will gain much more clarity.
Keep the faith!
dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
Also think about reading Dr. Robert Meyer's book for a new slant, I'm finding it very eye-opening . . . Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging,Pleading,and Threatening: Robert J Meyers Ph.D.,Brenda L. Wolfe Ph.D.: 9781592850815: Amazon.com: Books
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This morning, I am totally enabling my daughter to continue to be a slob. She left for 2 weeks to house-sit, and the first thing I do is go clean her room. I understand I am totally enabling her, and I understand it is for very selfish reasons on my part. I CAN'T STAND her mess! Plus, I was missing dishes. Yep - found them in her room. Gross!
But here's the thing - I know I am enabling this, but I am not acting out of co-dependency toward my daughter because it really is her responsibility, most of the time I make her do it herself in order to keep living here. She did make a half-hearted attempt yesterday before she left, and I decided that was acceptable (hey, the fact she TRIED is a miracle).
I think the difference between the two for me is more related to how I feel about it all. If I am cleaning her room and resenting the heck out of it, or cleaning her room for her regularly to keep some sense of peace between her and I, then that becomes co-dependent because I am putting someone else's needs above my own and trying to control the relationship. I am actually doing this today to meet my own need to pick up trash, dirty dishes, and vacuum.
Hope this example makes sense and helps a bit. ; )
Or maybe I am trying to make myself feel better for cleaning my almost 19 yr old daughter's room. LOL!
But here's the thing - I know I am enabling this, but I am not acting out of co-dependency toward my daughter because it really is her responsibility, most of the time I make her do it herself in order to keep living here. She did make a half-hearted attempt yesterday before she left, and I decided that was acceptable (hey, the fact she TRIED is a miracle).
I think the difference between the two for me is more related to how I feel about it all. If I am cleaning her room and resenting the heck out of it, or cleaning her room for her regularly to keep some sense of peace between her and I, then that becomes co-dependent because I am putting someone else's needs above my own and trying to control the relationship. I am actually doing this today to meet my own need to pick up trash, dirty dishes, and vacuum.
Hope this example makes sense and helps a bit. ; )
Or maybe I am trying to make myself feel better for cleaning my almost 19 yr old daughter's room. LOL!
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Dandylion that is sweet for you to say. I feel like I owe it to myself and my entire family to learn and understand as much as I can. AS is at a place where he wants to be sober and move forward with his life. The problem for him is that he can go without drinking as long as he isn't around it. He has a hard time making the right decision not to go to certain places because he wants to hang out with certain friends (which may be code for drinking).
Thanks to all of you for your input on this thread. It has really helped.
Thanks to all of you for your input on this thread. It has really helped.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 378
For me - enabling would be going with him to a bar to drink. Or making excuses for his drinking. Allowing booze in the house, etc.
Co-dependency is when I give up focus on myself and my life and put too much focus on fixing someone else. I like this quote - Co-dependency is when we care more about someone else's problem than they do.
The fine balance is to learn to be supportive of healthy actions. And this is a must. Support healthy decisions - and remove support for poor ones.
It would be the same if you were trying to lose weight, were very heavy. Enabling would be if your husband kept bringing home ice cream and cookies or taking you out to fattening restaurants. Co-dependency is if he kept bringing home dieting books, dieting videos, and signed you up at a gym.
A healthy response would be to encourage you on your path to losing weight. Letting it be your choice but offering a lot of healthy support and encouragement on your hard quest. While he got himself healthier, too!
Co-dependency is when I give up focus on myself and my life and put too much focus on fixing someone else. I like this quote - Co-dependency is when we care more about someone else's problem than they do.
The fine balance is to learn to be supportive of healthy actions. And this is a must. Support healthy decisions - and remove support for poor ones.
It would be the same if you were trying to lose weight, were very heavy. Enabling would be if your husband kept bringing home ice cream and cookies or taking you out to fattening restaurants. Co-dependency is if he kept bringing home dieting books, dieting videos, and signed you up at a gym.
A healthy response would be to encourage you on your path to losing weight. Letting it be your choice but offering a lot of healthy support and encouragement on your hard quest. While he got himself healthier, too!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,796
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
This morning, I am totally enabling my daughter to continue to be a slob. She left for 2 weeks to house-sit, and the first thing I do is go clean her room. I understand I am totally enabling her, and I understand it is for very selfish reasons on my part. I CAN'T STAND her mess! Plus, I was missing dishes. Yep - found them in her room. Gross!
But here's the thing - I know I am enabling this, but I am not acting out of co-dependency toward my daughter because it really is her responsibility, most of the time I make her do it herself in order to keep living here. She did make a half-hearted attempt yesterday before she left, and I decided that was acceptable (hey, the fact she TRIED is a miracle).
I think the difference between the two for me is more related to how I feel about it all. If I am cleaning her room and resenting the heck out of it, or cleaning her room for her regularly to keep some sense of peace between her and I, then that becomes co-dependent because I am putting someone else's needs above my own and trying to control the relationship. I am actually doing this today to meet my own need to pick up trash, dirty dishes, and vacuum.
Hope this example makes sense and helps a bit. ; )
Or maybe I am trying to make myself feel better for cleaning my almost 19 yr old daughter's room. LOL!
But here's the thing - I know I am enabling this, but I am not acting out of co-dependency toward my daughter because it really is her responsibility, most of the time I make her do it herself in order to keep living here. She did make a half-hearted attempt yesterday before she left, and I decided that was acceptable (hey, the fact she TRIED is a miracle).
I think the difference between the two for me is more related to how I feel about it all. If I am cleaning her room and resenting the heck out of it, or cleaning her room for her regularly to keep some sense of peace between her and I, then that becomes co-dependent because I am putting someone else's needs above my own and trying to control the relationship. I am actually doing this today to meet my own need to pick up trash, dirty dishes, and vacuum.
Hope this example makes sense and helps a bit. ; )
Or maybe I am trying to make myself feel better for cleaning my almost 19 yr old daughter's room. LOL!
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
Hi TUFFGIRL,
Would you mind elaborating on what you said about putting anothers needs first and trying to control the relationship?
Thanx, Ngaire
Would you mind elaborating on what you said about putting anothers needs first and trying to control the relationship?
Thanx, Ngaire
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
This morning, I am totally enabling my daughter to continue to be a slob. She left for 2 weeks to house-sit, and the first thing I do is go clean her room. I understand I am totally enabling her, and I understand it is for very selfish reasons on my part. I CAN'T STAND her mess! Plus, I was missing dishes. Yep - found them in her room. Gross!
But here's the thing - I know I am enabling this, but I am not acting out of co-dependency toward my daughter because it really is her responsibility, most of the time I make her do it herself in order to keep living here. She did make a half-hearted attempt yesterday before she left, and I decided that was acceptable (hey, the fact she TRIED is a miracle).
I think the difference between the two for me is more related to how I feel about it all. If I am cleaning her room and resenting the heck out of it, or cleaning her room for her regularly to keep some sense of peace between her and I, then that becomes co-dependent because I am putting someone else's needs above my own and trying to control the relationship. I am actually doing this today to meet my own need to pick up trash, dirty dishes, and vacuum.
Hope this example makes sense and helps a bit. ; )
Or maybe I am trying to make myself feel better for cleaning my almost 19 yr old daughter's room. LOL!
But here's the thing - I know I am enabling this, but I am not acting out of co-dependency toward my daughter because it really is her responsibility, most of the time I make her do it herself in order to keep living here. She did make a half-hearted attempt yesterday before she left, and I decided that was acceptable (hey, the fact she TRIED is a miracle).
I think the difference between the two for me is more related to how I feel about it all. If I am cleaning her room and resenting the heck out of it, or cleaning her room for her regularly to keep some sense of peace between her and I, then that becomes co-dependent because I am putting someone else's needs above my own and trying to control the relationship. I am actually doing this today to meet my own need to pick up trash, dirty dishes, and vacuum.
Hope this example makes sense and helps a bit. ; )
Or maybe I am trying to make myself feel better for cleaning my almost 19 yr old daughter's room. LOL!
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