Gram83

Geez, where do I start... I guess I'll give you all my background as best I can. I'm 29, i had some traumatic things happen and I could not cope, so I started drinking everyday as soon as i would wake up, before i vomited , sometimes after... about 7 years ago. I drank everyday no matter what, it was all that helped, I went to the doctor at the beginning because I knew I was killing myself, but little did I know what was ahead. I was put on lexapro, stopped for a bit, but in a few months was off the meds and doing ok. Soon after had more trauma, went back to drinking everyday, at least a fifth of vodka a day... I did that for a few years, I was a "functional alcoholic", then I got really REALLY bad pains in my abdomen , I was rushed to the ER , where I treated with pain meds and valium for withdraw for 9 days and diagnosed with alcohol induced pancreatitis !! Extremely painful and a wake-up call. I was sober for about a month and then as anxiety and other emotions came up, I started drinking again, but mostly beer thinking that wasn't going to hurt me (stupid, I know) and within 6 months was hospitalized again, this time for 5 days. Then off the booze for a few weeks, then right back at it, then in a few months hospitalized AGAIN ! This time for 3 days. Each trip just MADE me cut back, but as soon as I felt my body could take it, I drank again. I've had 6 pancreatic attacks in the last 2 years. At this moment I'm 7 days sober, only due to another pancreatic attack.

Alcohol is my crutch or if I can find it ill take Xanax , 2-4mg a day to cope , been doing that since the first pancreatic attack (2 years). Even with my medical problems its so hard to completely stop, especially if im feeling anxiety or depression. I feel like crap right now, but I know it'll get better and I have a wonderfully supportive girlfriend that has helped me through all of this, as of this last attack her patients are wearing thin and I HAVE to stop.

I don't know if I'm asking for help or just venting, but if I don't stop this insane cycle I'm going to lose everything, maybe even my life, but even knowing that I still drink I'm just so used to the feeling , I just don't know what else to do.

Zee

Hi Gram
Welcome to SR!
I understand about the physical side of alcohol abuse. I suffer badly from anxiety, depersonalisation & agoraphobia. I was self medicating on about 750ml vodka a day. I now have Cirrhosis. I was hospitalized for a month last year. I have not had a drink since. Scared straight? Yes. Still got anxiety? Not as bad, just dealing with it without alcohol!
Maybe you should see your doctor about supervised detox. Unfortunately, for us, we took it too far. Have you tried looking into AA? It has saved many lives. There are lots of methods to stay stopped. I just use this site... its a great place to be Good luck to you x

Dee74

Welcome Gram

I'd second Zee's advice.

Unfortunately drinking is only going to make all the problems you've mentioned worse - I think getting some professional medical help to detox would be a great first step....then you can think about what to do next - recovery programmes, counselling, rehab or whatever.

I know you'll find support here - glad you've joined us

D

justhadenough

welcome to sr gram

clight

Welcome gram! There is so much support here.... Stick around SR you will be amazed how much easier it will get with you saying ok enough I am determined, coming here, I DON'T want to drink again! What ever you have to do to stay ahead of this demon. As of now SR has helped me in every aspect of the word. If I feel that I need more help in the future.... I am willing to give AA a shot. ANYTHING to stay sober!

ru12

Gram, it sounds like you have some insight into your dilemma. Look, alcohol is robbing you of everything you value in this life. And it will continue to do so unless you just STOP drinking it. It isn't easy, especially at first, to sit and stare into the stark-eyes of life completely sober. But, the longer that you stay sober, the easier things will become. Alcohol can cause depression and many mental illness problems, and for many, the problems go away when someone stops ingesting alcohol.

You said you don't know what to do. Try not drinking. Perhaps pick a time period . . . say 30 days and see where you are then. Try to sit there with the emotions and feeling that you have and just watch them, observe them. It is ok to want to drink, but that doesn't mean that you HAVE to do it. Your addiction has no hands. It can't feed itself without your help. I feel for you and won't BS you into saying it is easy. But noting of value is really easy. My life is so much better now that I stopped drinking. Just don't drink NOW. Don't worry about what you are going to do tomorrow or next week. Don't drink in the moment. Tomorrow will eventually be NOW and you can decide not to drink in the NOW then too.

Lastly, if you think you need some additional help, there are so many resources. Post here whenever you can. Try Rational Recovery and it's AVRT, SMART Recovery, LifeRing, or AA. The former ones have web-presence, but may be harder to find locally. AA is everywhere. I did lots of things to help me get sober. Now I mostly read here and just don't drink no matter how I feel. In every other aspect of my life, I am a somewhat normal person . . . who just doesn't drink alcohol. And I wake up each day grateful that I have another chance at life . . . after I did so much damage to those I really care about.

Sasha4

Zee you hit the nail on the head with dealing with feelings.

Now I think yes I am naturally quiet, yes I am naturally a worrier and get anxious, yes I fell very, very self concscious, but alcohol in any amount helps none of that.
It does not fix it or make it easier to cope with.
It just makes it 100% worse as the next morning I have to deal with extreme paranoia, the agony of not remembering what I did and said and all round general horribleness!

Anna

You can learn to deal with life's ups and downs without the aid of alcohol or xanax. I know it might seem a bit overwhelming at the moment, but I think we all feel like it's unimagineable to think we can get through life without alcohol. You can do it. And, to try to save your health is a great motivator.

wpainterw

It looks to me like you're fighting for you life right now. And you're your own worst enemy. Shortly after you leave the hospital you start self medicating again, saying to yourself that "I can handle it this time." And time and time again you find you can't handle it. I went on this way for years. The wake up calls get worse and worse and more and more dangerous and eventually you may not wake up at all. So what's to do? Many would say, try to get yourself into a rehab if you can. It might very well save your life. If not, then try some kind of set up with a clinic or counselor where you can have random urine testing to make sure that you're not playing games with the system. Join some kind of program so you can get help from others in recovery. AA or some other program.
There is a way out. And it's deadly serious not to take it. Vert soon time may be running out for you. Good luck and all the best.

W.

hypochondriac

Is rehab an option Gram? One of the hard things about quitting is having to deal with all the emotional trauma that pops up, along with just dealing with day to day life... I know I had to make my life as quiet and simple as possible to quit, and would have loved the opportunity to go to rehab if it was an option for me.

I had health problems quitting too but that doesn't make you quit. Acceptance that you really can not drink anymore will help though. Cutting back with acute pancreatitis is not a good plan..

Have you considered AA?

Welcome to SR x

copperfield

Welcome Gram!

sissy07

Gram, Your story breaks my heart. To stop drinking you have to want to more than anything you have ever wanted in your life, it has to be the number on priority in your life, and you have to be willing to do anything you possibly can to stop.

You are at a major crossroads. You are only 29. Stop wasting time.....you may not have much time left if you don't quit drinking.....and quality of life means something. I hope there is a way (and willingness) for you to get into a 30 - 90 day rehab. If not, then AA, personal counseling, etc. My heart goes out to you....the pain you are surely going through is heartbreaking. Best wishes, my friend.

Gram83

Thank you all for your insight, it helps tremendously to know someone knows how I feel, and that there are ppl out there that really care.

I relate to what Zee experiences, I feel well scared/anxious, my mind races and its hard to calm myself. I feel socially awkward (if I get out of the house, I hadn't thought about it but I guess I am a little agoraphobic). I feel emotionally hypersensitive , I don't know if others have these almost crippling feelings. That's how I feel when I'm sober, even right now.

As far as NEEDING a supervised detox I kinda got that on my first trip to the ER, I went to the local University Hospital and I told them the honest truth about how much I was drinking and how long I had been doing so at that time and they treated me until they felt I was medically sound to leave their care. Thankfully that was enough to break the extremely strong grip alcohol had on me physically, I was very sick for days without a drink. So I never wanted to be sick like that again, and I never went back to drinking that much or that often. So I know how much worse I could feel right now.

I read a few ppl that said when they stopped drinking they were tired and hungry all the time, it's the exact opposite for me, if I don't drink I'm not hungry (eat maybe twice a day), and I can't sleep, I might get 4 hours a night if I fall asleep at all.

I've never tried AA and i just don't know if that's for me. If I did go anywhere or do anything it would be to see a Dr about my anxiety and the lack of sleep and appetite, but I'm trying to get to some kind of balance on my own, and if I can't I will force myself to the Dr.

I've made it 30 days before and I know I can do it again. I remember feeling better when I did reach that point, but right now I'm 8 days sober from a month or so of drinking about 5 days a week, 6-10 beers a day. So I just miss the "comfort" and instant ease that drinking gives me.

So I'm doing my best to take it hour by hour right now and just hoping I feel better soon.

Again thank you all for the support and I will keep posting my progress and checking in to see all of the wonderful support, insight and advice that this community gives. And i Thank you for giving me the feeling I'm not alone.

nonblondechef

You can do it, Gram. Welcome and keep up the great work - 8 becomes 9, 9 becomes 10 and before you know it a whole month of sobriety is again under your belt. You can do it - good job!!