PerhapsLove

I don't know why but I'm ready to give my 32 y.o. alcoholic daughter another chance. She is ready to leave her drug-addicted boyfriend and relocate to the town where her ex-husband and daughter live. She has lost everything over the past 2 years and swears she is alcohol and drug-free for several months now. The last time we tried this was in May and she failed miserably. She was hospitalized twice in one week for alcohol intoxication. Her roommate even found drug paraphernalia which the police decided not to do anything about.

I want to believe she is ready. She has lost everything over the past two years. The drug-addicted boyfriend is horribly abusive, especially emotionally. She says she wants out asap. My husband (her step-dad) is ready to jump in with both feet. I'm a little hesitant but want her out of that environment.

We will have to finance her living expenses until she gets a job. We can't let her live with us because of all the bridges she burned with other family members. I take care of another daughter's children during the work week and she will not allow her sister to be around her children.

I'm really hoping she is ready. I can't know until I see it. She has lied so much in the past. I hope I am making the right decision.

driftapart

Is there a sober living complex near you? You could set her up there...

Tuffgirl

There's no way to know if its the right decision until you make it. It's very risky, but you already know that. If you don't already, give Al-Anon a try.

Prayers this time is the charm!
~T

Hopeworks

Does she have a recovery program? A sponsor? Would she be willing to go to a sober living facility where she would be subject to drug testing and accountability?

If not... then if it were me I would say no... that's just me.

Another handout without accountability and a program is pretty much doomed with her history in my opinion.

Just my opinion... only you can decide whats right for you and only she can direct her recovery but talk is cheap... costs her nothing to promise you the moon and she will have no skin in you "setting her up in her own place"....

PerhapsLove

I wish I knew. I have tried to find one, but really don't know where to begin.

PerhapsLove

We are insisting that she get involved with AA as soon as she gets here. She doesn't have a sponsor and we want her to get one. I don't know why I am ready to give her this chance. She has been in an abusive relationship with a drug addict for a year and a half. Maybe I am just afraid of what will happen if she doesn't leave him. She really does have more to lose, though. She has a 4 year old daughter who lives with her ex nearby. She will also lose all of our respect and assistance if she fails again.

Hopeworks

Hi Perhapslove,

In my business I help families with stuff like this all the time and there are organizations, resources, professionals and even individuals trained to evaluate your daughter and give you a professional opinion on what type of program she needs.

I know you are overwhelmed right now but if you like I will do some quick research for you...however, without knowing her addiction history, drug of choice, personality type it would or could be a stab in the dark. That being said... a stab in the dark with some accountability and requirements for $$$$ to be given by you for support is better than no benchmarks or standards at all.

The problem with it being direct with you is that you have to become probation and sobriety cop and that is just not good for you at all... I know I used to live that life.

AA is a great resource for halfway houses, residential treatment programs, counselors and addiction evaluation professionals. If you check with the police they can tell you where they take people to be alcohol detoxed and that community/government organization can also be a resource for information.

HOpe that helps... if you pm me with location I can possibly find some places... good luck.

driftapart

I think with you having to finance her anyway, bills + rent + food - it'd be the best option. Plus they help finding her a job, there's support groups there, they get drug tested weekly, and they can still leave. They aren't "trapped" there.

I'm sure it doesn't cost more than $1000 a month for everything including food. (I think)

Check into it! Because sadly, if you set her up on her own with no supervision I just don't see it working out very well. But you never know!

Good luck with whatever you decide!

Hopeworks

Perhapslove,

I sent you a link in private message.

PerhapsLove

Thank you for the link. I sent you a private message. Last night went well. She does not seem "edgy" like she has in the past. We took her to see her daughter today and she is staying nearby in a motel tonight. She has promised contact in the morning, which has never been possible in the past when she is drinking. Hoping for the best.

Titanic

Al-Anon meetings for you would make a world of difference.

Picture in your mind that your daughter IS in God's hands.

Peace and all the best to both of you.

Learn2Live

I've also sent you a link. I believe there are many resources available in your city for your AD.

fourmaggie

We will have to finance her living expenses

why?....just curious why YOU feel you have to do this....shes a grown adult..
to me, in my opinion, she STILL would never learn, she knows you will always bail her out no matter what

my 2 cents, i guess for me this would be my boundary
take what you like and leave the rest

PerhapsLove

She dropped out of contact today. We moved her into a room and got her settled in. Then early this morning she texted my husband (her stepdad) cancelling a planned visit with him to start looking for a job. I did manage to talk to her briefly and she said she felt "a little pressure" from us. I think she might be trying to detox herself from drugs, because she didn't sound drunk. In the past, it was unmistakable. I really don't know for sure. I don't want her to go back to the drug addict, but if she doesn't tell us the truth, I can't really stop her. I'm thinking I will offer to be there for her if she needs treatment, but other than that, there is nothing we can do for her. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, I think she just doesn't want to disappoint us again.

PerhapsLove

She has nothing. No alternatives. I see this as a real chance at getting back her life. I don't want her on the streets or back with the drug addict. Of course it is up to her. As long as she isn't drunk or high, isn't ok to help her out? I really don't know.

PerhapsLove

I did turn her over to God back in January. Until now I have felt so much peace. I feel like this is a real chance for her to move on. I understand that she has to be ready and I'm not prepared to help if she doesn't want to do the right thing. Tired of the roller coaster.

dandylion

PerhapsLove, my heart goes out to you as I have been in your shoes. You see this as a chance for her to move on, but the problem is that she does not see it.

This is simply too hard for a parent to go through alone. Don't let this pull you down any longer. If you don't change, she will continue to come for you to enable her--and you will continue to suffer. PLEASE, PLEASE get help for yourself.

What can you do? 12-step program (like alanon), read and learn everything you can about this disease, go to a few open AA meetings yourself, talk to alcoholics who have a few years of recovery themselves, recite the serenity prayer over and over, hang around this SR board. Most of all try to forgive yourself and release your burden of guilt.
I am talking to you as one mother to another.

dandylion

PerhapsLove

Thank you. It really does help to hear support from other parents. I just got off the phone with her. She admits now that she is detoxing from heroin. She is very sick, but doesn't want us to see her like this. She said the man she is renting the room from knows her situation and is looking after her. Apparently he is willing to let her stay and ride it out. I was surprised she told me the truth. I have been reading everything I can about alcoholism, and now will do the same about drugs. I didn't realize that was her problem. I'm glad she didn't try to mask her drug withdrawal with vodka. I plan to go to an Al-Anon meeting tonight. I told her I want to continue contact and will see this through with her. Not sure if that is enabling. I just don't want her to die, and if she is able to detox and then start going to meetings, I would begin to feel she is serious about getting better.

fourmaggie

Melody Beattie "co dependent no more" is an awesome read...

and to answer your question on this:
I don't want her on the streets or back with the drug addict
i understand YOUR frustrations on this...its called controlling HER life...she is the adult and she needs to be responsible for it...she chooses what she chooses...
we all have consequences for our ACTIONs, BEHAVIOURS, ATTITUDES and LANGUAGE


do you have boundaries? i noticed this:
As long as she isn't drunk or high, isn't ok to help her out?
this should be YOUR 1st boundary with her....now the hard question is, what happens if she does, then what?

changes only happen when things change
find out when your enough is enough.....

mu 2cents
take what you want and leave the rest

PerhapsLove

We did reach our boundary. It didn't take long and most likely she never stopped using. She is presently in the hospital with kidney failure and low potassium. Her blood alcohol level was .235 and she tested positive for opiates and cocaine. Now we have told her she either goes to rehab or we are done. She says she will go.

Thank you so much for your support. I so wanted to protect her from bad stuff that I thought maybe she couldn't see because her brain was so screwed up. I now think she knows full well; it's just that she is willing to risk it all for the high.